Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce The Blades of Stenchtar III: The Secret of Stenchtar Island, the newest imaginary RPG from Telltale Games!
Now it must be said that our last non-existent blockbuster The Blades of Stenchtar II: Escape from Stenchtar Mountain was something of a financial disappointment. Predictions of a trillion sales proved to be overly ambitious. Is there a reason for this consumer apathy, besides the fact that the game is not real and cannot actually be purchased?
Perhaps so. Fictional game reviewer Theodore Dudebrough may have captured it best when he said, "The (opening) cutscene finally ends and then so does the whole game."' Though the intuitive hourglass-icon interface was universally praised by reviewers, the exclusive use of the cutscene as a game mechanic was even more universally derided. The consensus was that the Stenchtar games had become "too zero-dimensional"'.
Well let it never be said that we at Telltale Games do not respond to criticism. We even respond to criticism of fake games written by fake reviewers on fake websites. That is how dedicated we are!
In TBOSIII:TSOSI, we've done the unthinkable to quiet the critics. No More Cutscenes. That's right, there is not one single cutscene in the entire game. No more dialog in fact. Talk is boring, we want action. So characters will never speak. If you click the talk icon on them, nothing happens. When the characters give you new quests, they just sit there, they don't say anything. This is a game, not a movie. Our philosophy is, "Figure it out for yourselves, you lazy goods-for-nothing."'
Many reviewers criticized not only the previous installment's omission of player interaction, but also its surreal surprise ending, saying that it was "lame"' and "cheap"' and that it "undermined the metaphysical underpinnings of the entire enterprise"'. As a result, TBOSIII:TSOSI begins with Oinktoast floating 600 miles off the shore of Stenchtar Island, claiming the previous adventure was all a bad dream. To this, some would say, "cop out"'. I say, "pure genius"'.
TBOSIII:TSOSI puts the focus squarely where it belongs: mini-games. Oinktoast's adventure begins with a doggy-paddling mini-game in which you must press the '[' and ']' keys in quick succession to paddle the 600 miles to shore. That alone provides 12 hours of gameplay, vastly eclipsing the last game's 7 minute average play time. I doubt we'll be hearing anyone say this one's too short!
Immediately upon arriving on Stenchtar Island, Oinktoast is confronted by a new foe, the self-proclaimed "Final Boss of the Game"', Marjorie Margarinebutter. Because Marjorie never speaks, she relies heavily on pantomime to convey her unqualified malevolence for you and everything you stand for. Through a charades mini-game, Marjorie informs you that she has convinced all the monsters in the world to attack you every few steps of your journey. Why these previously neutral creatures would throw themselves on the sword for no possible gain is a secret reserved for those in Marjorie's inner sanctum.
Oinktoast tries to ask Marjorie why she's being so evil, but he can't because the talk icon doesn't do anything. Instead, he spends the next three to four hundred hours completing side quests in order to amass enough gold to buy the game's ultimate weapon, the Butter Knife. To make a long story short (too late), Oinktoast confronts Marjorie with the Butter Knife only to discover that Marjorie is actually his long-time arch nemesis, Gloatherd McMoatherd! And it's all revealed in an interpretive dance mini-game. Not one line of dialog! Oinktoast and Gloatherd engage in a titanic battle spanning 3 planets and over 150 uses of the "Heal Wounds"' spell.
Then, in a shocking twist ending, just as Gloatherd is dealt the fatal butter spread, he reveals that he is actually... Oinktoast the Meticulous!
But wait. If he's Oinktoast, that means... Yes, that's right! You've actually been controlling the evil Gloatherd the whole game, but didn't realize it because he cast a spell on you! How did you ever fall for that floating in the ocean story???
dude.. I swear I've played this game before.. why don't you just admit you stole the whole idea from someone else
Comment by hierohero
February 7, 2006, 12:27 pm
That screenshot must be from the PSP version.
Comment by artwking4
February 10, 2006, 8:57 pm
No, the real Secret of Stenchtar Island is that it never happened! In numero four everything is again a dream! You start our floating 800 miles off shore and then swim in. All sequels have to be bigger and better! Or bigger!