Telltale Games

When I first started at Telltale, we worked in an office with a bullet hole in the window. We complained to the landlord, but he just laughed and said, "Oh, you've got a lot bigger problems than bullet holes!"

He was right.

In those days we toyed with the idea of making a simple one-room game about a caveman inventor named Dank. Now the traditional first step would have been to, you know, design the game. I boldly chose a different path. I chose instead to write a series of press releases that would build up anticipation for the game. Sure, laugh now, but at the time it seemed even stupider.

Sadly, we never did make that Dank game, but unsadly, Graham Annable instead created a great series of Dank comics for our website. Since we still have no plans to make a Dank game, it appeared my old press releases would never be press released. But I couldn't just let them die! They are my babies. My babies whom I love and cherish and had completely forgotten about until I happened to sift through my "DELETE IMMEDIATELY" folder this morning.

Here then, for your derision, are a few paragraphs to build your anticipation for absolutely nothing.

#1 Mysterious Cave Discovered in Telltale Offices

The mood at Telltale Games this week was one of mild hysteria, as an extremely mysterious cave was discovered right in the heart of Telltale HQ. Kevin Bruner, CTO of Telltale Games, made the discovery while foraging for food. "At first I thought it was just a photoshopped graphic, but then I realized I was looking at a mysterious cave."

Despite the deeply foreboding nature of this discovery, Telltale Games employees were intent on exploring the cave further. CEO Dan Connors led the charge, strapping on a hard hat as we conducted this interview. "We don't know what's in that cave, but dagnab it, we're going to find out." You have to admire that kind of bravery. Well, you don't really have to, but you can if you want.

[PHOTO: Telltale employees photoshopped next to mysterious cave]

#2 Prehistoric Man Unearthed in Telltale Offices

The game developers at Telltale Games have stumbled on to what may be the archaeological find of the century, possibly even the millennium. While exploring a mysterious cave that they discovered in their offices last week, Telltale employees came across what appears to be a prehistoric man frozen in a block of ice. Amazingly, the caveman (whom Telltale employees have named Dank) seems to be using some sort of ancient computer.

Technical guru Kevin Bruner was called in to determine the exact nature of the computing device encased in ice. "I'm not sure, but it looks like it froze up." When asked when the ice would thaw, Kevin, said, "I have no idea. All I know is it runs fine on my machine." We'll be waiting for that ice to melt, and when it does, you'll be the first to know, or more realistically, the second, since obviously I'll know first.

#3 The Ice Has Melted: Prehistoric Man Hired by Telltale Games

More exciting news from the offices of Telltale Games this week, as the block of ice encasing Dank the Caveman has finally melted. Troy Molander, Telltale COO and man about town, told us, "Dank's still a little wet behind the ears, but we needed the help, so we hired him. For now we've got him working the phones in Dan's office." The move has caused confusion as many investors have mistaken the caveman for CEO Dan Connors when making business negotiations. (See also Telltale Profits Up 20%)

Finally free of ice, the ancient computing device found with the caveman is now being investigated. Telltale technical expert Kevin Bruner is hard at work to determine what sort of computer program Dank was using at the time of his unplanned cryogenic hibernation. Unfortunately, Kevin was sleeping underneath his desk while this piece was being written, but the conscious Telltale employees assured us that he is very near an answer. The world waits, Kevin.

#4 Proof of Ancient Computer Games Discovered by Telltale Games

The examination of a prehistoric computer discovered by Telltale Games earlier this month has led to a startling revelation -- computer games existed in the Stone Age. Apparently, Dank the Caveman, whom Telltale employees discovered in a mysterious cave beneath their offices, was playing a computer game at the very moment he was unexpectedly frozen in a giant block of ice.

Kevin Bruner, who managed to get the ancient computer game running, agreed to show us a snippet of the game under the condition that we not divulge even the slightest, most insignificant detail about it, or else he would asphyxiate us with a sofa pillow. What we CAN say is this -- the game wowed us. Sadly, the public will have to wait to play it, since the game comes on 17 and a quarter inch disks that are all but obsolete. But never fear. Telltale has employed a team of pygmy pterodactyls to copy the information from the disks bit by bit. Go dino-birds, go!

#5 Dank the Caveman Source Code Stolen

In a sad but predictable press release, Telltale Games announced that the source code for "Dank the Caveman" had been stolen. Telltale had planned to release the game any day now, but this shocking news changes everything. "This shocking news changes everything," said Telltale CEO Dan Connors. "We have Brendan out looking for the punks who stole our source code right this moment." Uh oh. Well, keep your fingers crossed, unless you lost your fingers in a war or something, in which case I apologize for bringing up what must be a sore subject for you.

And so it remains. The source code, gone. Burned in a fire no doubt. The only remaining traces of the game are the following lost lines from Dank the Inventor's diary. I'll share them with you, but understand that this is classified material. The public can never know about this.

December 22: Invented sliced bread today in my spare time. Danka said it's the best thing since... pretty much ever.

January 1: Happy 1,000,000 BC! All is well. And they said planes would fall from the sky! Ha! What's a plane?

February 14: Progress on the wheel was slow today. My romantic notion of a heart-shaped wheel may not be practical. Back to the carving board.

March 9: My spear design isn't going over well with Blog. He thinks the pointy part should go on the other end. He may be on to something... Must run more tests.

March 30: Had a great idea at lunch for something you put in your lap to catch crumbs, but I didn't have anything to jot it down on, so I forgot the details.

And with that, I shall again close the vault on the Telltale Archives. Now Telltale must press into the future, to something far more mainstream than caveman inventors. Maybe animal detectives or something. Oh yes, you heard it here first!*

*Lie.