The Blades of Stenchtar II

Posted by brendan

October 15, 2004

Regular readers of our blogs (or anyone with the Web savvy to click on the Blogs link at the top of our home page) may recall that one blog I wrote about RPG's. If you don't recall it, you can and should read it right this moment. Look, I don't care if your house is on fire, read it now, or suffer the consequences. In that blog (which Mildly Entertaining PC Products magazine described as "an unmitigated waste of bandwidth"'), I discussed international RPG sensation/phenomenon, The Blades of Stenchtar.

The good news is that swarms of people have been writing in to pre-order The Blades of Stenchtar, and by swarms I mean two. And another person wrote in to say, "I might buy The Blades of Stenchtar if someone had a high-powered rifle pressed to my temple... assuming a reasonable price point of course."' With such overwhelmingly enthusiastic support, it was a no-brainer for me to get to work on the sequel, The Blades of Stenchtar II: Escape from Stenchtar Mountain. Though this game has absolutely no chance of ever being made, writing it will get all these people clamoring for blogs off my back, and that is priority number one.

I want to warn you that I've decided to take the series in a slightly different direction. Moving beyond mere parody, I've attempted to take Stenchtar into the realm of pure art, where words have meaning beyond the knowable, and you can talk in sentences like this one and people will just nod and say, "Whatever"'. So with a minimum of further ado, I present The Blades of Stenchtar II: Escape from Stenchtar Mountain!

Following his epic victory over the wretchedly evil Gloatherd McMoatherd, our hero Oinktoast the Meticulous has started a new life for himself as the so-called "Haberdasher to the Stars"'. The townspeople of Stenchtar, who were forced to utter the exact same line of dialog under any circumstance while Gloatherd was still in power, are now once again speaking in entire paragraphs. All is not peaches and cream in Stenchtar, though, for a mysterious darkness has come over the land, probably because it's nighttime. Storms are brewing not only over the Dorkgard Mountains in the east, but also within Oinktoast himself.

You see, in a sickeningly predictable plot twist, it turns out that Gloatherd managed to survive being eaten by Oinktoast at the conclusion of The Blades of Stenchtar. Now living comfortably in Oinktoast's belly, Gloatherd has begun a counterattack the likes of which Oinktoast's guts have never before seen. Using every germ at his disposal, Gloatherd bombards the lining of Oinktoast's stomach like there's no tomorrow, which, if he's successful, there won't be! I won't tell you what all this stomach bombardment does to Oinktoast, but let's just say it rhymes with pie-arrhea.

Thinking he may have some sort of gastro-intestinal disorder, Oinktoast decides to visit the local seer, Serena the Needlessly Vague. She tells him, "That which dwells in your belly will one day spell your DOOM!"' Naturally, Oinktoast suspects the half-eaten baloney sandwich he found in the gutter the previous day. "I never should've eaten that baloney sandwich!"' he cries. Serena, in a rare moment of clarification, says, "Actually I was referring to that evil bad guy you ate in the last game."' Oinktoast, finally realizing the truth, raises his fist to the air and shouts, "Gloatherd McMoatherd lives! He lives in my belly, and I will destroy him, and quite likely some innocent beasts of the field as well!"' Serena says nothing, but you can tell she's thinking, "Yeah, no kidding."'

Oinktoast, sensing that the opening cut scene hasn't yet run its course, next visits Myrlyn the wizard for counsel. Note the spelling: Myrlyn, not Merlin. No copyright infringement here, folks. Myrlyn uses his best cauldron to concoct a special potion to help Oinktoast through the hard times ahead. Inexplicably whispering, he tells Oinktoast, "You must bathe in this potion and utter the words 'My guts, welcome your master, for I am home!'"' Oinktoast bravely performs the ritual, and in a puff of smoke or maybe just steam, he finds himself within his own stomach!

The End

You'll notice that there is no actual game play in TBOSII: EFSM. Repeat my mantra with me: "Game play takes up valuable cut scene time"'. You'll notice, too, that nothing is resolved. That's right David Lynch, meet your master. Why must we always be so obsessed with everything "making sense"'?! Life doesn't make sense. Deal with it people!!!!!!

Just kidding. I'm just getting tired, and I gotta wrap up this blog. Plus this gives me a good opportunity to further milk the Stenchtar license at a future date, if I so choose. Not that I am quite so calculating, though of course I am.

Okay, well, I'll see ya when I see ya.

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28 Comments

	Beat episode yet! i'm guna start my own The Blades of Stenchtar fan club and i get to be president!!!! yay me.. and anyone who wants to be vice president can do so.
	Comment by guybrush_guy October 15, 2004, 9:15 pm

	i hate my spelling :) correction "best" episode yet
	Comment by guybrush_guy October 15, 2004, 9:16 pm

	Oh, I can't wait for the next part! Oh, BTW, you can call the wizard Merlin if you like, nobody owns the copyrights to that. The people who came up with Arthur and his comrades have kicked the bucket ages ago :)
	Comment by Fop October 16, 2004, 3:25 am

	I Quote "!!!!!GOLD JERRY!!!!! GOLD!!!!"
	Comment by Burn October 16, 2004, 4:11 am

	Actually, I copyrighted the name Merlin back in the '90s. The 1390s, of course. Ahhh... I remember it like it was yesterday. I was chilling with the Minister, pointing out obvious flaws in his transcription of Beowulf. Ay, thaet be gud cning. Anyway, the Minister dude mentioned something called a "copyright," and like anything that sounds as though it requires a signature in blood, I agreed right away. ...Of course, the copyright's long since expired. But if the Walt Disney corporation gets to keep their copyright, that will open up whole paths for me.Arthur Conan Doyle needed to be sued anyway.
	Comment by Kalt October 17, 2004, 6:19 am

	Copyrights from book only last a couple of decades. Why do you think there are so many kids books about Dracula going to the dentist not written by Bram Stroker?
	Comment by Burn October 17, 2004, 3:26 pm

	I love books about Dracula going to the dentist!
	Comment by SirRat October 17, 2004, 4:05 pm

	Ooh! You guys ought to make a game in which Dracula goes to the dentist! Oh, but spell his name "Drakoolah" and his species "Vampyre," just to be on the safe side.
	Comment by The Sporkman October 17, 2004, 5:11 pm

	I think if Telltale made a game with Vampyre in the name, Bill Tiller would come to their homes in the night and stab them.
	Comment by Jake October 17, 2004, 5:55 pm

	Not if they kept wooden steak, garlick, and holey water at their side. I heard Vampyres like Drakoolah are scared of that stuff.
	Comment by Kalt October 17, 2004, 10:55 pm

	and watermellon...vamypres hate watermelon. but if you really want to get drakoolah have him face count chocula their enemies. they cant stand each other. one drinks blood the other drinks chocolate.
	Comment by guybrush_guy October 18, 2004, 12:49 pm

	You see! This is why I bathe in holy water.
	Comment by Burn October 18, 2004, 11:14 pm

	That doesn't keep you from being a suspect. Last I heard there was some sort of anti-vampire that thrived on holy water. Scientific fact, like the fact that we're comprised of 100% water and oxygen.com is actually made of carbon dioxide.Freaky, ain't it?
	Comment by Kalt October 19, 2004, 4:33 am

	Bah. Who cares about science. It previously proofed that we all are going suffer a horrible death. Who wants to know that? Who needs science or another TBOS? ...ME!... I couldn't hold it any longer. We need a prequel.. NO, a sequel!
	Comment by HeKeZu October 20, 2004, 11:06 am

	or both, a presequal!
	Comment by guybrush_guy October 20, 2004, 1:38 pm

	Teh pre and se cancel each other out, so you'd be left with a "qual"
	Comment by jp-30 October 21, 2004, 1:32 pm

	uhhh........ well what if it was a seprequal... would that be a -qual?
	Comment by guybrush_guy October 21, 2004, 3:10 pm

	i love how brendan combines two words like oink and toast and gloat and herd for his characters names
	Comment by hierohero October 21, 2004, 10:44 pm

	So, how 'bout that forum?
	Comment by Udvarnoky October 22, 2004, 1:25 pm

	Let me tell you a story 'bout a man named Troy. Seems this Troy was the feller who hooked up this whole web site thingamajig for Telltale. In fact, he was the only one of 'em at Telltale who'd ever even used one of these computer doodads before this year. But the darndest thing just happened. Ol' Troy was in a motor vehicle accident and done broke his foot. So them forums may just have to wait a bit while Troy gets back on his feet, or foot as the case may be. If you'd like, you can express your sympathy for Troy's plight by sending cookies. He told me he especially likes warm, soft cookies. Go ahead and send them directly to me, I'll be sure to drop them by his house. Get well soon, Troy.
	Comment by Brendan Q. Ferguson October 22, 2004, 3:16 pm

	I knew that nothing good could come from using one a them horseless carriages.
	Comment by Udvarnoky October 22, 2004, 4:11 pm

	Get well, Troy! I'm sending Brendan my cookies right now! Is troy@_chocolate.chip.txt fine?
	Comment by Kalt October 22, 2004, 7:16 pm

	what if i realy sent you guys cookies? whats the mailing adress?
	Comment by guybrush_guy October 22, 2004, 9:08 pm

	tell troy if the forums take any longer he'll lose his arms as well!! ps. lay off the bike troy!
	Comment by hierohero October 24, 2004, 6:19 am

	I had no idea Troy typed with his toes! I hope they mend well soon.
	Comment by jp-30 October 24, 2004, 1:29 pm

	You should put that as a dedication in the credits of your first game. "IN THE MEMORY OF TROY'S TOES"
	Comment by Burn October 27, 2004, 11:58 pm

	If im not mistaken you are a company that makes compuiter games.... yet you say... troy "was the only one of 'em at Telltale who'd ever even used one of these computer doodads before this year." Well in that case i am impressed that the people in this company could pick up on making computer games in under a year (i guess you lied to us in you staff section about all those other games your staff had made) and in that spirit I am annoucing that I have opened a rocket ship company today. i hope to have a working model buy the end of the year and MY WEB SITE ALREADY HAS A WORKING FORUM!!!! I'm hoping to play your games on a laptop in space aboard one of my fleet of spacecraft... amen.
	Comment by afterbeaner October 28, 2004, 8:02 am

	P.S. i've also started a spelling school last year after years of not being able to speel myself and loke howe far ive gottan
	Comment by Afterbeaner October 28, 2004, 8:04 am

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