Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
I first purchased this game as a 13 year old kid, back in 1995. Although I have completed it a couple of times, it's been many years since I last did so. Therefore, replaying this game is sure to feel rather fresh.
The only other thing I want to say before we begin is that I genuinely enjoy playing this game and have very fond memories of it. I only say this because the tone of this let's play will be fairly humorous and at times, playfully mocking but I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was slagging off the game.
Without further adieu, let's get started...
The game certainly doesn't try to break convention as we start on a cut-scene; where we find our smart mouthed hero, Joe King (it's best to get used to the cringe inducing puns in this game), pilot for hire, tied up in a warehouse with his date.
The reason they are tied up is because the lady is the girlfriend of a walking cliché of a mob boss. He found out about his girl's infidelity and was none too pleased to say the least. Also, it's interesting to see that Prince has an uncredited cameo as the gangster on the right!
"You Dirty Rat!"
The gangster has avoided common sense by failing to shoot them (well actually common sense would be filing for divorce but gangsters are prone to becoming a bit grumpy) and has instead rigged up a bomb to explode. It looks like curtains for our dating couple and the tension is palpable. Of course this is still the opening cinematic, so we know that Joe will be okay.
Our saving grace comes in the form a very ungraceful entrance. Standing in a bathtub (for some inexplicable reason) is our good pal, Sparky; who enters by crashing through the roof.
The warehouse explodes moments after we make our escape, with the mob boss still inside. You'd think that he would have vacated the premises considering he set the bomb to go off but I've come to the conclusion that he probably suffers from short term memory loss.
Rather than taking a much deserved day off work, Joe is more concerned with collecting his latest paying passenger; the famous movie star, Faye Russel. You certainly couldn't say that he's not dedicated to his job.
However, once we arrive at the venue where Faye is staying we find Anderson standing in her dressing room. Everyone has an arch-nemesis; David has Goliath, Holmes has Moriarty, Wile E. Coyote has Road Runner and Joe has Anderson (a rival pilot for hire).
Anderson explains that he intends to steal Faye away from us, as his own passenger. He then locks the door (which is made of solid steal... um, why?!), thus trapping us in the room.
And so the true adventure begins. Currently Joe is carrying his diary (used to save and load games) and a baseball bat. I'm not sure as to why Joe carries a bat with him. Maybe he's prone to a spot of impromptu baseball!
"Nah, I carry this partly out of... I don't know. What's the word?"
I decide that the bat may be put to good use by smashing the window to the right but Joe informs me that it's made of bullet-proof glass! This is getting ridiculous, why in tarnation does Faye Russel need a solid steal door and a bullet-proof glass window?! Is she a high priority target for the assassins of the world? I can only assume that she's received death threats from an obsessed fan (the same kind that I regularly send to Charlize Theron).
Seeming as I can't break the window, perhaps I can shout to my pal Sparky for help, who's stood outside reading his favourite comic, 'Commander Rocket'. My attempts to gain his attention are fruitless however because the glass is not only bullet-proof but also sound-proof (but of course).
All is not lost however as upon picking up some sheets strewn across the floor, I discover a laundry shoot. Now call me over-zealous when it comes to health and safety if you like, but isn't a GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN THE GROUND just a tad dangerous?! Never-mind, at least it's an escape route.
I knot the two sheets together, tie them to the nearby radiator and descend the chute.
... hold on! If I'm simply sliding down the chute, then why in blazes did I need to tie together those sheets?! Ho hum, a slide's always fun so I'm not going to complain.
Being the sex crazed (and starved) maniac that I am, the first thing that I'm interested in investigating are these novelty boobies (heh heh... boobies)! I pick up a pair (they might come in handy on a cold, lonely winters night) and admire the unbeatable craftsmanship...
"Unbeatable? Au contraire."
Anywayyyyyy... I take the stairs up to the lobby but unfortunately my escape route is being guarded by a couple more gangsters. I immediately spy a rather handy key on the bell boy's desk and attempt to pick it up. Naturally, the staff is not going to let that happen so I talk to him and exhaust all of the dialogue options but to no avail.
I also try to press the bell on the desk but it cannot be achieved, which is a shame because I love to ring the desk bell multiple times in adventure games when the assistant is already standing there. It usually winds them up to no end! You've missed a trick here, developers.
It's worth pointing out that the bell boy's voice sounds like a cross between these two...
Kermit the Frog (anthropomorphised frog thing)
Beek Nariz (the elephant man's uglier brother)
... You'd think that the manager of the venue would want to have someone with a slightly less ludicrous voice manning the front desk but clearly the manager is an equal opportunities employer, so I'm not going to berate him for being a nice chap.
Feeling as though I'm now out of options, I attempt to sneak past the gangsters but they spot me. The short one sounds just like Marlon Brando and the tall one looks like David Prowse in 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' (as evidenced at 2:15 in this clip). Therefore, I shall henceforth refer to them as Brando & Prowse.
Brando & Prowse lock me back in Faye's room and... remove my clothes. They claim that this might discourage me from attempting to escape again but quite frankly, I have my suspicions that they're just a couple of horny perverts!
I then spend the next 10 minutes wondering back and forth between the different areas, absolutely clueless as to what I need to do next. Out of desperation, I try interacting with every object in every logical way possible... still no luck.
Then I try talking to the bell boy again, only to find a new dialogue option. It turns out that you have to look at the key before this option will appear! Grr... bloody adventure games!
Anyway, now that I have the key to the dressing room; I head on down there...
... to be confronted by Joe's ex-girlfriend, Lola. She's awful mad at Joe for dumping her and the two have a humorous back and forth.
Lola hops in to the shower and conveniently has her private areas covered by patches of steam on the glass (how very 'Austin Powers'). Lola agrees to help us escape if we retrieve a towel for her (I guess she's rather easily pleased). Luckily, I have one to hand and Lola soon explains her plan to us.
The plan is to dress me Joe up in ladies clothing, so that I can pass the gangsters upstairs unnoticed. Joe attaches the boobies (heh heh... boobies), puts on a wig found in Faye's room and slips on the dress.
A 'Maniac Mansion' style cut-scene is triggered...
... in which we are introduced to a quite clearly insane Doctor named Ironstein (I did warn you about the awful puns). However, for the purposes of this let's play, I shall call him Dr. Fruitloop.
Speaking to his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop explains his retarded genius master plan to turn Amazonian women into dinosaur people. I'm sure it's a dream we've all had at some point or another, right alongside world peace and sleeping with Charlize Theron.
In order to show the process of the transformation to the player his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop fires up the machine...
"Transmogrification process initiated."
I couldn't help but notice that the sound that the machine makes is the same iconic sound effect made by the opening of doors in 'Doom'. Tsk tsk, developers!
Dr. Fruitloop then explains that he will now activate the 'Aggression Enhancer'...
... but he's clearly not left the beta stage of development yet!
Sadly for Dr. Fruitloop (but thankfully for the women of the Amazon) he's run out of test subjects. Unfortunately that's not going to stop an ambitious young ancient go-getter like Dr. Fruitloop though...
Seriously, this guy's so corny that I'm surprised the developers didn't have him cackle in an evil manner...
... oh, they did.
The cut-scene has finished and we return to Joe Joanne, as we prepare to exit the hotel. We succeed and Sparky drives us away but the goons do a double-take and realise that was no lady!
Marlon & Prowse give chase and open fire at Joe. Because this is an adventure game, they're shots are less on target than a blind Stormtrooper's.
"Hey! I'd totally blow your head off for that remark... if I wasn't such a rubbish shot!"
Luckily there's a canister of oil on the back of the truck, so I chuck it at the car and it's "adios amigos". That just leaves one thing; for Joe to make a Schwarzenegger-esque quip...
We catch up with Anderson (the cad!) just as he's about to fly away with Faye using our plane (the extra-double-bastard cad).
Joe uses his subtle negotiation skills to... punch Anderson out cold. Sparky then appears to join us on our flight.
Nuts! Our plane has been hit by lightning and it looks like we're going down...
Hmm, I sense the beginning of a familiar relationship ...
Well, that's it for Part 1.