Last night I played "Beyond the Alley of the Dolls," up to the point where I ask Sal about the cake. I didn't see the reunion between Stinky and Sal yet, so I had my own ideas about the Letter from S brewing when I turned in for the night. I started a new thread for this, since I can't think of any threads that this would go into. Perhaps the fanart thread, but that's more reserved to fan illustration than fan theatre. Anyflugen, I hope you like this.
(The scene opens in the PAPIERWAITE’s office in the Museum of Mostly Natural History. It’s dark out, and the windows are fogged over; it’s just about to rain. PAIPERWAITE is standing by one of the foggy windows, inspecting a scroll in the moonlight. The door starts rattling; someone could rip the door off its hinges if they were strong enough.)
PAPIERWAITE: (Groans) Has no one in this museum ever heard of knocking?
(He stomps over to the door and opens it. GIRL STINKY invites herself in, takes a letter out of her apron pocket and shoves it in PAPIERWAITE’s face.)
GIRL STINKY: What the hell is this?
PAPIERWAITE: Breaking and entering, apparently.
GIRL STINKY: This letter doesn’t make any sense! Who is “your queen?” What’s “phase two” mean? And most importantly, (shoves the paper in PAPIERWAITE’s face again) why do you have my cell phone number?!
(PAPIERWAITE takes the letter from GIRL STINKY, skimming it.)
PAPIERWAITE: How did you know to come here? There isn’t a forwarding address on this page.
GIRL STINKY: (Whips out a business card) You dropped this with the letter, Norrington. I used this and the letter you sent on an old scanner I had stashed away. Two clues were enough to lead me straight to the Museum.
PAPIERWAITE: (With a smirk) Clever, but not quite right. My name isn’t Norrington, you see. It’s Papierwaite. (Drops the smirk, and gestures to his door) It’s right on the door, even.
(GIRL STINKY looks behind her. Sure enough, the name “A. Papierwaite” is written on the door in frosted glass. GIRL STINKY turns back to PAPIERWAITE.)
GIRL STINKY: Norrington. Papierwaite. Whatever. I don’t care. I just want to get some answers. (Just as PAPIERWAITE answers “Of course,” GIRL STINKY draws and loads a handgun.) And just in case this is some kind of obsessive stalker fetish of yours…(Cocks the handgun).
PAPIERWAITE: Cute, but completely unnecessary.
(PAPIERWAITE begins to unbutton his smoking jacket. GIRL STINKY aims the gun right between PAPIERWAITE’s legs.)
PAPIERWAITE: Honestly, woman. I could do a lot better than you. (Continues to unbutton his jacket)
GIRL STINKY: Then why take off your shirt if you didn’t want to—
(PAPIERWAITE flashes GIRL STINKY, who shrieks in fear. PAPIERWAITE holds onto his jacket to obscure the audience’s view of his chest.)
GIRL STINKY: Oh my god! It’s so ugly!
PAPIERWAITE: I don’t like it any more than you do.
GIRL STINKY: (Shaking) Have you ever heard of a dermatologist?
DR. NORRINGTON: Yes, that is the general reaction. (PAPIERWAITE places his hand to his chin in thought, letting the jacket drop. The audience can now fully see DR. NORRINGTON’s horrible visage.) Still, you should have been reduced to crazed keening by now. I knew you’d be useful…
GIRL STINKY: (Aims the handgun at DR. NORRINGTON) Norrington? (DR. NORRINGTON nods.) Then spill!
DR. NORRINGTON: Something’s about to happen in this dimension…something big. Big enough to destroy all you know and love in this city, perhaps even this galaxy. And when the time comes, we’ll need the power of everyone in New York to stop it.
GIRL STINKY: I just run the diner. What can I possibly offer a guy with a…cuttlefish coming out of his chest?
PAPIERWAITE: Tunnels. We noticed that you had several escape tunnels leading from your diner throughout the city. If anything happens, ANYWHERE, come and tell us.
DR. NORRINGTON: And let’s not forget your grandfather’s host of ungodly recipes. His demon broth alone will be of great use to us.
GIRL STINKY: Seriously, we live in a city where EVERYTHING happens, all the time. You’re going to have to be a little more specific about this threat if you want my help. (Aims the handgun at DR. NORRINGTON’s head) For starters, you can tell me how you know my cell number.
PAPIERWAITE: Yog-Soggoth’s powers are so terrible that the human mind cannot begin to—
GIRL STINKY: Yeah, yeah. Horrible beast. I don’t have all day!
DR. NORRINGTON: Very well. (Inhales, then exhales) Aliens will be coming to your world to collect items known as the Toys of Power. These toys were created by all-powerful Elder Gods, such as myself. Should these aliens, or anyone with the right kind of mind, get their hands on these toys, they could unleash a psychically fueled Armageddon that could tear apart the fabric of reality.
GIRL STINKY: Great, alien psychic toys bringing about the end of times. (Lowers gun, then turns to leave the office) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of angry customers back at the diner.
PAPIERWAITE: (Incredulous) You don’t even care that you and your family will be destroyed?
GIRL STINKY: You boys seem more than capable of handling this thing on your own, and if you don’t have anything to offer me other than my life, I’m not playing. Ciao.
DR. NORRINGTON: What more could we offer than protection? For your grandfather? For your boyfriend? Sal, was it?
(GIRL STINKY stops in her tracks)
DR. NORRINGTON: Six-foot tall cockroach? Generally amiable and gullible? Your former fry cook?
GIRL STINKY: What do you know about that two-timing insect?
PAPIERWAITE: He came over yesterday, looking for a job. Apparently he had been fired from his previous position.
GIRL STINKY: Fired? You mean, he didn’t quit? (Growling) When I get home, grandpa and I are going to have a long, violent talk…
DR. NORRINGTON: You really love him, don’t you?
GIRL STINKY: (Clenching her fists) Stupid! Stupid! Why did I ever think he’d just leave? Poor sap probably didn’t have the exoskeleton to tell me! (Turns back to PAIPERWAITE) You’d better hire Sal!
PAPIERWAITE: (Waving his hand) Yes, yes. I will hire him, pay him well, treat him like my own son (Turns back to GIRL STINKY), IF you donate your time and tunnels to our cause!
DR. NORRINGTON: And the Demon Broth. Let’s not forget that.
GIRL STINKY: Deal, but remember: If Sal gets hurt or attacked by psychic aliens, or something, because of you (Holds up her handgun) I still have this!
DR. NORRINGTON: Perfect! We took the liberty of constructing a tunnel leading from the museum to a hull beneath your diner. It’s also connected to several other parts of the city, if you need a quick escape route. Be sure to report to us regularly about any strange psychic phenomena, and above all: DON’T LET ANYONE GET INTO YOUR HEAD!
GIRL STINKY: Sure. But one more question: Why call me “your queen?”
DR. NORRINGTON: (In sincere confusion) I…thought that was the proper way to address you…
GIRL STINKY: Uh, no…(Motions to her tiara) the crown’s just for looks.
DR. NORRINGTON: Are you not the Queen of Canada?
PAPIERWAITE: (Annoyed) That was Sybil, you ignorant beast! Sybil!
GIRL STINKY: (To DR. NORRINGTON) He’s right, you know. The Pandemik chick’s the one who used to rule Canada.
DR. NORRINGTON: (To both PAPIERWAITE and GIRL STINKY) It doesn’t matter now! Let’s just part as friends for the time being!
(GIRL STINKY reluctantly offers her hand to DR. NORRINGTON. He does not take it. Instead he looks up at PAPIERWAITE, demandingly. PAPIERWAITE rolls his eyes, and shakes GIRL STINKY’s hand. Scene ends.)