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Your Favourite Jokes

posted by Davies on - last edited - Viewed by 789 users

A thread to post your favourite jokes.

Here's mine (I hope it's not too Risqué for this forum)...

A woman goes to her local market and walks over to a merchant who is selling Magic Penises! The woman asks the vendor 'what on Earth is a "Magic Penis"?' The vendor replies by saying 'It's simple, you start out by saying 'Magic Penis' followed by a request and it will carry out said request".

The woman is dubious of the merchant's grand claims but decides to buy one anyway. She arrives back home and says 'Magic Penis, do the washing up" and to her absolute amazement, the wonderful member carries out the task. Next she requests 'Magic Penis, do my tax returns' and once again the little fellow obliges. Naturally she then demands 'Magic Penis, make wonderful love to me' and so it does.

Later that day, the woman's hired gardener sees her with the marvelous contraption and enquires 'what in the heck is that thing?!', to which the woman responds 'why, it's a Magic Penis' and the gardener replies 'Magic Penis my ass'.

25 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • @RetroVortex said: Ni!

    You must return here with.... a shrubbery!

  • Try not to let the unrealism dissuade you from reading it. :)

    Saint Peter sat at the gate to heaven when 3 men walked up to him, to be let through the gate they had to tell him why they had died.

    The first man walked up to him and started his story:
    I was on my way to work, when I realized that I have forgotten something at home. When I saw my wife naked in bed, I thought she had not gotten out of bed yet, when I noticed the other man's clothes she was trying to hide. I got angry and hurt and started to look everywhere in the apartment for the man, and I found him hanging naked on the railing on the balcony.
    I went inside and got a hammer and started hammering him over the fingers till he let go and fell down, he landed on some bushes and survived, still angry I went to the kitchen and picked up the fridge and threw it out the balcony, the strain was too much for me and I died from a heart attack.

    Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through. (Don’t ask me why the bad man got let it in, but it is how the joke goes, so please carry on reading).

    The second man walked up to Peter and told him his story:
    I woke up in my bed in my apartment and it was a lovely morning, so I went out of bed but didn’t get my clothes on and walked around naked. Not many people had gotten up yet and I walked out to the balcony, I tripped over something and I fell over the side, but caught on the railing on the balcony underneath mine, and I survived. When all of a sudden a very angry man comes out and finds me, before I can ask for help he runs of and comes back with a hammer and starts hammering me over the fingers. It hurts and I have to let go, but I land some bushes and I survive, but before I can move the angry man throws a fridge at me and I die.

    Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through.

    The last man comes up, and Peter asks him to tell his story.

    Well I was hiding in a fridge…

  • @VeronicanPlay said: Try not to let the unrealism dissuade you from reading it. :)

    Saint Peter sat at the gate to heaven when 3 men walked up to him, to be let through the gate they had to tell him why they had died.

    The first man walked up to him and started his story:
    I was on my way to work, when I realized that I have forgotten something at home. When I saw my wife naked in bed, I thought she had not gotten out of bed yet, when I noticed the other man's clothes she was trying to hide. I got angry and hurt and started to look everywhere in the apartment for the man, and I found him hanging naked on the railing on the balcony.
    I went inside and got a hammer and started hammering him over the fingers till he let go and fell down, he landed on some bushes and survived, still angry I went to the kitchen and picked up the fridge and threw it out the balcony, the strain was too much for me and I died from a heart attack.

    Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through. (Don’t ask me why the bad man got let it in, but it is how the joke goes, so please carry on reading).

    The second man walked up to Peter and told him his story:
    I woke up in my bed in my apartment and it was a lovely morning, so I went out of bed but didn’t get my clothes on and walked around naked. Not many people had gotten up yet and I walked out to the balcony, I tripped over something and I fell over the side, but caught on the railing on the balcony underneath mine, and I survived. When all of a sudden a very angry man comes out and finds me, before I can ask for help he runs of and comes back with a hammer and starts hammering me over the fingers. It hurts and I have to let go, but I land some bushes and I survive, but before I can move the angry man throws a fridge at me and I die.

    Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through.

    The last man comes up, and Peter asks him to tell his story.

    Well I was hiding in a fridge…

    Ha. Good one. :D

  • @VeronicanPlay said: Try not to let the unrealism dissuade you from reading it. :)

    Realistic jokes? What a joke!

  • I'm in a position of smug authority now, as I can safely say 'That's in the thread I linked to' to pretty much every single joke that's going to be posted here from now on.

    *Exudes Smugness*

    Oh, and a man walks into a bar. Ow!

  • I've got a lot of jokes, but my favorite ones are the "Old something-or-others never die" jokes. So here goes:

    Old sailors never die...they just get a little dinghy.

    Old musicians never die...they just go from bar to bar.

    Old songwriters never die...they just start decomposing.

    Old teachers never die...they just lose their class.

    Old chemists never die...they just fail to react.

    Old necromancers never die.

    That's all until I strike again!

  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  • A man walks into a bar and and asks for 7 shots. The bartender gives them to the man and says. "That sure is a lot of drinks, is it for a special occasion"?
    "My first blow-job", the man replies.
    The bartender smiles and says. "In that case let me give you another one free on the house.
    "No thanks", the man says. "If the first 7 wont remove the bad taste, I am sure the 8'th wont do it either".

  • A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says "Oi! (He's a Jewish bartender.) No pets allowed in here!"
    The man calmly replies, "But sir, this dog can talk. Surely you let a talking dog stay."
    Looking at the dog, the mozeg agrees. "Sure a talking dog would be good for business, but ain't no dog that can talk!"
    "If I could prove it to you, would you let us stay?"
    "Hell, if you can get that dog to talk, I'll let you drink for free!" replies the bartender. "But if it doesn't, it's out in the rain with the both of you!"
    The man then looks at his dog.
    "What's the opposite of soft?" he asks.
    "Ruff!" the dog replies.
    The bartender snorts.
    "What's on the outside of a tree?" says the man.
    The dog says "Bark!"
    "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
    "Ruth!" barks the dog.
    "That's it," says the bartender and he throws the man and his dog out into the street.
    The dog looks at the man.
    "You think I should have said Joe DiMaggio?"


    ----------------------


    Once upon a time, in a far away land, there lived a boy named Little Omar. Now Little Omar was a strong and brave boy being the son of a chief and Little Omar had a dream. He wanted to go to America. Land of the free and home of the brave. America was far, far away. Across a great ocean. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. So, one night, while the chief and the chief’s tribesmen were asleep, Little Omar left on his quest.

    In the morning, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen awoke and found Little Omar gone. They knew he wanted to go to America, land of the free and home of the brave, but they wanted him to be the future chief of their tribe. So, they let out a great war call and off they went in pursuit of Little Omar. Despite being miles away, Little Omar heard the war call. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. So he kept running.

    As he ran, he encountered a lion. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. Little Omar beat up the lion and kept going. When the chief and the chief’s tribesmen came upon the lion, they knew Little Omar had been down this path. So, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion all set out in pursuit of Little Omar.

    After Little Omar had been running for a long, long time, he came to the great ocean. Unfortunately, Little Omar didn’t have a boat. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. He was going to swim to America. So, into the water he went.

    When the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion came to the ocean and found no sign of Little Omar, they knew he must be trying to swim to America. So, they built canoes and off they went in pursuit of Little Omar.

    As Little Omar was swimming, he came upon a giant octopus. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. He beat up the octopus and threw the octopus over his head. When the octopus finally hit the water, it was near the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and they knew Little Omar had been this way. So, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus all set out in pursuit of Little Omar.

    Little Omar kept swimming until he came upon a ship. This was perfect. The ship was heading in the right direction and Little Omar decided he could hitch a ride to America. That might have worked out except, in the distance, Little Omar saw the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus all heading his way. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. Little Omar climbed onto the ship. He wasn’t sure what he would do once there but it had to be better than facing the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus. Right? Wrong.

    This was a pirate ship. And, by and by, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus and now the pirates all began chasing Little Omar around and around the ship. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. He began to climb the ship’s mast.

    When he got to the absolute top of the mast, Little Omar began swinging back and forth and back and forth. Little Omar had decided that he would fly to America. The mast kept going back and forth a little further each time. When it would dip no further, Little Omar rode it all the way down and all the way back up and turned loose. Oops. He had miscalculated his release.
    Instead of flying toward America, Little Omar flew straight up in the air. Up, up, up he went. Higher and higher. Of course, even little Omar is subject to gravity so since he went up, he had to come down. And down he came. Faster and faster. And since he had gone straight up, he came down. SMACK! Right on the deck. Now this would have stopped any normal person. But not Little Omar. He was used to hard ships.

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