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Who is funnier?

posted by Noname215 on - last edited - Viewed by 981 users

The Three Stooges
The Marx Brothers
Laurel & Hardy
Abbot & Costello
Lucille Ball
Charlie Chaplin

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  • Everyone already listed are funnier to me than Monty Python.

  • @Irishmile said: Monty Python

    [LIST=1]
    [*]Charlie Chaplin
    [*]Abbot & Costello
    [*]Monty Python
    [*]The Marx Brothers
    [*]The Three Stooges
    [*]Laurel & Hardy
    [*]Lucille Ball
    ... The Holocaust
    Weird Al
    [/LIST]

    Fix'd

  • [The short opens up with Moe and three mugs sitting in a table at a restaurant]

    MUG #1: [to Moe] And you call yourself a fight manager. Where's our cut from last night's show?

    MUG #2: [to Moe] Yeah, the only cut I got so far is this one over my eye. [points to the band-aid on his forehead]

    MOE: So help me, boys. After taking out expenses, there ain't enough left to feed a mouse.

    MUG #1: Now, get this Moe. We're quittin' you see.

    MOE: Now, wait a minute, gentlemen! You mugs can't do that to me. I'll be left without any fighters.

    [Curly enters the restaurant. He removes his hat and gloves. He puts his gloves in his hat. He dumps his hat and cane out the window. Mr. McGurn, the manager, approaches Curly]

    McGURN: Hello, Beau Brummel.

    CURLY: How are you, Mr. McGurn?

    [Curly takes off his jacket and dumps it out the window. Curly untucks his uniform and gets ready to get to work. Mr. McGurn stops Curly]

    McGURN: Wait a minute. Where have you been?

    CURLY: Out to lunch.

    [Mr. McGurn slaps Curly twice]

    McGURN: Get over there and wait on those customers.

    CURLY: Yes, sir. Mr.----

    [Mr. McGurn kicks Curly in the rear. Curly walks up to Moe and the three mugs]

    CURLY: What'll you have, gentlemen?

    [The three mugs start talking at the same time]

    MUG #1: Give me the biggest steak on the house.
    MUG #3: Ham and eggs
    [Talking simultaneously]

    MOE: Hold on! Hold on! [The mugs stop talking] I ain't had my dessert yet. [to Curly] Four slices of burnt toast and a rotten egg.

    CURLY: Burnt toast and a rotten egg?

    MOE: Yeah!

    CURLY: What you want that for?

    MOE: I got a tape worm and it's good enough for him.

    CURLY: I know how you feel. [lightly taps Moe on the back]

    CURLY: [to the mugs] What'll you gentlemen have?

    [The three mugs start talking at the same time]

    MUG #1: I want the biggest steak on the house

    MOE: Wait a minute!!!

    [The mugs stop talking]

    MOE: [to Curly] Three hamburgers for the mugs.

    CURLY: Three hamburgers. [writes it down on his pad and leaves the table]

    [Larry enters the restaurant carrying a violin case. He approaches Mr. McGurn]

    LARRY: Pardon me, stranger. I'm a musician.

    McGURN: So what?

    LARRY: Well I thought if you had some music around the place, you might increase business.

    McGURN: How much dough do you generally get?

    LARRY: Well I get $250, but for you I'll take 200.

    McGURN: I'll give you a bowl of soup.

    LARRY: I'll take it.

    McGURN: If you're good.

    LARRY: [says quietly to himself] I hope the soup's good.

    [Larry walks to the other end of the restaurant]

    LARRY: [as he opens his violin case, he says to Mr. McGurn] You'll never regret this, mister.

    [Mr. McGurn just nods his head]

    [Larry starts playing the violin. As he plays, a bird ends up standing on the end of the bow chirping.]

    LARRY: [sticks the bow out the window] Scram!

    [Curly walks up to Moe and the three mugs]

    CURLY: I'm sorry, gentlemen. You can't have any hamburger. The meat's too fresh.

    MOE: [stands up] The meat ain't the only thing that's fresh around here, is it? [slaps Curly in the head]

    [The mugs starts attacking Curly]

    CURLY: Oh. Aw, give us a break, will ya fellas? I'm a citizen, ain't I? Wait, stop it. Fellas, I didn't mean---

    MOE: [eyepokes Curly] Don't try that stuff around here. Now, you're gonna bring the boys the food?!

    [Larry starts playing "Pop Goes The Weasel" on the violin. Curly starts panting, he wipes his face with his hands rapidly and starts woo-wooing. He then starts punching the mugs and he knocks them out]

    MOE: You can't do that!

    [Curly punches Moe in the face. Larry stops playing. Moe gets up, holding his face in pain]

    MOE: [sees the mugs on the floor knocked out] Say! You're a born champ!

    CURLY: Did I do that?

    MOE: Sure, what's eatin' ya? Don't ya remember?

    CURLY: No. Every time I hear that weasel tunes, something pops inside of me, then everything goes black.

    [Mr. McGurn grabs Curly by the ear]

    McGURN: Hey! What's the idea? You're trying to ruin my business? [slaps Curly]

    CURLY: I'm sorry!

    McGURN: Look at my customers! [slaps Curly]

    CURLY: I'm a victim of circumstance.

    McGURN: What do you think this is? A joint? [slaps Curly]

    CURLY: It's that pop the weasel.

    MOE: [to Larry] Hey Fiddler! Give us that weasel tune again!

    [Larry plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" on the violin. Curly starts panting, he wipes his face with his hands rapidly and starts woo-wooing. He gives Mr. McGurn a good punch in the face and he flies up in the air. Larry stops playing]

    CURLY: What happened?

    MOE: Look! [points up]

    [We see Mr. McGurn lying on top of the ceiling fan unconscious.]

    CURLY: How'd he get up there?

    MOE: It worked! Shake hands with your new manager. [shakes hands with Curly and kisses him on the forehead] Boy, we're gonna make a lot of money. Come on.

    [Moe and Curly start walking towards the door. Moe grabs Larry by the hair]

    MOE: I need you too. From now on we're a corporation.

    LARRY: Where are we going?

    MOE: We got a lot of training to do. [drags Larry out of the restaurant by the hair]

    [Curly flips the switch on the wall and the ceiling fan turns on. Mr. McGurn is now spinning around as he lies on the fan. The scene ends.]

    [A new scene begins outside. Curly is rowing a wagon. He is dragging Moe and Larry. Larry is standing on top of his wagon as he plays the violin.]

    MOE: [as Curly is rowing] Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

    [Larry loses his balance while standing on his wagon, so he falls on Moe]

    MOE: What's going on around here? [slaps Larry] What's the idea?

    LARRY: I lost my ba-lance.

    MOE: Oh, you lost your ba-lance, eh?

    LARRY: Yeah.

    MOE: Well go find it. [pushes Larry's face and he lands on the water]

    [Moe approaches Curly]

    MOE: Take it easy. I know you had a tough day, kid.

    [Moe takes a drink of water]

    MOE: How do you feel now? [touches Curly's stomach] Oh, you're in great shape, K.O.

    [A lady calls out to Moe and Curly. She is sitting in a car and one of the rear tires is stuck in a ditch]

    LADY: Yoo-hoo, gentlemen!

    [Moe and Larry see the lady and they notice how attractive she is]

    LADY: I'm having a little trouble. I wonder if you can help me.

    [Curly stands up but Moe bonks him on the head]

    MOE: Sit down, lug. Didn't you hear the lady? She said "gentlemen." Besides I always told you, boxing and women don't mix. [slaps Curly]

    [Moe approaches the lady]

    MOE: Now, what can I do for you, toots?

    LADY: I'm in a terrible dilemma.

    MOE: Yeah, I don't care much for these foreign cars either.

    LADY: You don't understand. I'm stuck.

    MOE: On me? That's funny. That's what they all tell me.

    LADY: I mean in the ditch. [points to the rear tire on her car to show that it's stuck]

    MOE: The ditch. [looks at the tire that's stuck] Haha. Yeah. [yells out to Curly] Hey, K.O. Don't sit there like a dummy. Come over here!

    [Curly walks up to Moe]

    MOE: Give me a hand.

    CURLY: [extends both hands] Which one?

    MOE: [slaps Curly] Get on the bumper. Wait a minute. We need more help. Where's Larry?

    CURLY: [looks off-camera and points] Look!

    [Larry is stuck in the water. Moe and Curly run up to him. Moe helps him up]

    MOE: Get right here. Come here. Alright kid. Take it easy. Take it easy kid. What's wrong with you?

    [Larry gets up]

    LARRY: Wait a minute. Wait, look at this. Look at this here.

    MOE: What's the matter?

    [Larry grabs a live fish from his jacket pocket and shows it to Moe]

    LARRY: Oh. Look at that!

    MOE: Yeah, it's a fine time to go fishing. [slaps Larry]

    [Moe slaps Curly and starts dragging him and Larry to the lady's car]

    LARRY: Wait a minute. You don't know how it happened. I was standing--- You--- It's your fault sometimes.

    MOE: We got work to do. Come on. [to Curly] Curly get on that mudguard there. [to Larry] Hey you! Help me here.

    MOE: Wait a minute. I got a better idea than this. In music, there's strength.

    LARRY: Yeah

    MOE: Give K.O. a couple of bars of weasel.

    [Larry picks up his violin and starts playing "Pop Goes The Weasel." Curly does his woo-woo and wipes his face rapidly. He lifts up the back of the car. Larry stops playing. Curly loses his strength and the car falls on Moe's foot.]

    MOE: Ow, my foot! Hey Curly, get it off.

    CURLY: [tries to lift the car, but can't] I can't budge it.

    MOE: Well, do something.

    [Curly walks up to Moe and stares at his foot that's stuck]

    MOE: [hits Curly on the head] What are you standing around for? Do something!

    [Larry is about to play the violin again, but Curly calls him]

    CURLY: Hey Larry!

    LARRY: [to the lady] Pardon me. I'll be with you in a minute, my sweet! [walks up to Moe] Come on, we'll take care of this guy.

    [Larry starts yanking Moe's foot out]

    LARRY: Heave.

    MOE: Oh!

    [Larry yanks again]

    MOE: Oh!

    [Larry yanks again]

    LARRY: Heave!

    MOE: Oh!

    LARRY: Wait a minute.

    [Moe gets his foot free. Larry takes his violin and starts playing "Pop Goes The Weasel." Curly does his woo-woo and wipes his face rapidly with his hands. He lifts the car out of the ditch. The lady starts the car and Curly climbs in. The lady and Curly drive away in the car. The scene ends.]

    [A new scene begins inside a fighting ring where we see a fighter get knocked out. A newspaper appears on the screen with the headline that reads: "Stradivarius Stops Gitlitz!"]

    [Dissolve to Larry who is playing "Pop Goes The Weasel" on the violin. Cut to Curly who is in the fighting ring. He hears the song and starts his woo-woo. The audience starts cheering. A newspaper appears on the screen with the headline that reads: "Stradivarius Wins Again By K.O." We see a fighter get knocked out in the fighting ring]

    [Dissolve to Larry who is playing "Pop Goes The Weasel" on the violin. Cut to Curly who is in the fighting ring. He hears the song and starts his woo-woo. A newspaper appears on the screen with the headline that reads: "Stradivarius To Meet Champion!"]

    [Dissolve to a sign that reads: "Boxing- K.O. Stradivarius vs. Killer Kilduff. Worlds Championship Tonight"]

    [Dissolve to the outside of the Olympic Auditorium. We see a crowd of people outside]

    [Cut to a room where Curly and the Lady, whose car was stuck in the ditch before, are talking]

    LADY: I'm so afraid you'll get hurt, honey.

    CURLY: Don't worry about me, dear. I'm a man without feelings.

    [Moe walks in, sees the two talking and he slaps Curly in the head]

    MOE: What'd I tell you about mixing fighting with women? [slaps Curly] Get upstairs.

    [Curly stops and waves at the Lady]

    MOE: [slaps Curly again] Go on upstairs.

    MOE: [to the lady] See you after the fight. Don't worry now. I won't get hurt. See ya, toots. [leaves]

    [Larry comes out from behind the door. He starts playing the violin and serenades to the lady. Moe enters with a bucket of water and dumps it all on Larry's head]

    MOE: Get upstairs!! [drags Larry out of the room]

    [Cut to the fighting ring]

    REFEREE: In this corner, the champion, Killer Kilduff.

    [Kilduff stands up and the crowd cheers]

    REFEREE: In this corner, the challenger, K.O. Stradivarius.

    [Curly is sitting on his stool asleep. Moe hits Curly in the head.]

    MOE: Take a bow, dummy.

    [Curly waves to the crowd. Moe slaps Curly on the head]

    [The referee signals to Curly to come over. Kilduff and Curly walk up to the referee. Curly gives the referee an apple. He takes it and takes a bite out of it]

    REFEREE: [talking with his mouth full] Now, I want you boys to make a good, clean fight. No holding and hitting and no dirty tactics.

    [Larry enters the auditorium with his violin. He takes a seat in the front row. He tunes his violin and plays a few notes]

    [Cut to Curly in the ring]

    CURLY: [to Moe] Who am I fighting?

    MOE: [points to Kilduff] That guy sitting on the chair.

    [Curly sees Kilduff, he gets scared and attempts to climb out of the ring. Moe grabs him]

    MOE: Come here. [slaps Curly] Sit down!

    [Curly sits down. His right leg starts shaking and it makes a clattering sound]

    MOE: What's the matter? You nervous, toots?

    CURLY: No, only in that leg. [points to his right leg]

    [The lady, whom Curly was flirting with earlier, waves at Curly. Curly blows a kiss at her. Moe sees this. Moe hits Curly in the stomach]

    CURLY: Ooh! [Moe hits Curly in the head] Ooh!

    MOE: What, are you flirting?

    [The timekeeper looks at his clock and rings the bell with the hammer. Curly and Kilduff start fighting. Kilduff punches Curly a few times. Larry starts playing "Pop Goes The Weasel on his violin. Curly does his woo-woo, but Kilduff throws a big punch at Curly. Curly flies out of the ring and lands on Larry. When Curly gets up, Larry sees that his violin is broken. Moe sees this and he looks upset. Curly gets back in the ring and starts getting beat up by Kilduff. Larry sees this and he quickly runs out of the auditorium]

    CURLY: [stops Kilduff from punching him] Wait a minute! Your shoe's untied.

    [Kilduff looks down at his shoes and Curly punches him, but the punch wasn't strong enough and Kilduff didn't get hurt]

    KILDUFF: Oh, so it is. Thanks pal! [punches Curly]

    [Curly falls and the referee starts counting]

    REFEREE: One, two, three…

    [Curly grabs the referee's arm and pulls himself up. Kilduff punches Curly]

    [Cut to the outside where we see Larry running down the block]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring. Kilduff punches Curly]

    CURLY: Oh!

    [Curly walks away and gets ready to get out of the ring. Moe walks up to him]

    MOE: Where you going?

    CURLY: This is getting on my nerves!

    MOE: Get back in there or I'll tear your tonsils out. [slaps Curly in the head]

    [Cut to the outside where we see Larry still running]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring]

    KILDUFF: [to Curly] Put up your hands!

    [Curly raises his hands and Kilduff punches him in the stomach]

    CURLY: Oh!

    [Kilduff punches Curly in the face]

    CURLY: Oh!

    [Cut to the outside where we see Larry running. He runs past a radio store and there is a radio in front of the store playing "Pop Goes The Weasel.' Larry hears this and he stops running. He grabs the radio and runs back to the auditorium. As he runs and crosses the street, he almost gets hit by a car]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring. Kilduff punches Curly a couple of times and he falls to the floor. The referee starts counting]

    REFEREE: One, two, three

    [Curly gets up.]

    [Cut to Larry who is still running back to the auditorium with the radio in his hand. As he is running, he accidentally knocks a person down.]

    [Cut back to the ring. Kilduff grabs Curly and starts punching him]

    CURLY: Hey Moe! Where's Larry?

    REFEREE: Come on, break!

    [Moe sees the timekeeper asleep. He walks up to a boy who is eating hard candy]

    MOE: [to the boy] How's for a piece of candy, red?

    BOY: Sure!

    [Moe takes a piece of hard candy and throws it at the bell. The bell rings and the timekeeper wakes up]

    [Curly walks back to the end of the ring. The boy throws a candy at the bell and it rings. The timekeeper gets startled]

    [Moe slaps Curly. Curly walks back to the center of the ring]

    [The timekeeper looks at the boy and the boy quickly looks away. The timekeeper has a smile on his face because he knows that the boy threw the candy]

    [Kilduff punches Curly a few times.]

    [Cut to Larry who is still running back to the auditorium. As he runs across the street, he almost gets hit by a car again.]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring. Curly starts losing control of himself and he accidentally hits his hand on the post at the end of the ring. He hurts his hand. He walks back to the center of the ring.]

    [The boy turns his head to look at the timekeeper. The timekeeper quickly turns his head and spots the boy. The boy turns his head away. The timekeeper smiles.]

    [Kilduff punches Curly a few times. Kilduff grabs Curly and punches Curly in the rear a few times. On Curly's pants are some musical notes. Kilduff hits Curly in the rear where the notes are located. As he punches Curly in the rear, we hear a cling sound.]

    CURLY: Oh!

    [Kilduff punches Curly and he falls down. Curly gets up and Kilduff blows on him. Curly falls down again]

    [The boy gets ready to throw a candy at the bell. The timekeeper sees this. As soon as the boy throws his candy at the bell, the timekeeper quickly hammers on the bell at the same time the candy hits it.]

    [Curly is still lying down in the center of the ring. Moe drags him to the corner.]

    MOE: Now get up! What's the matter with you?

    [Three men help Moe get Curly up on the stool. The men start rubbing Moe]

    MOE: Get outta the way! [points to Curly] He's the guy who needs rubbin'.

    [Moe and the three men start rubbing Curly]

    [The timekeeper looks at his clock. The boy throws a candy at the bell and it rings. The timekeeper gets startled.]

    [Curly and Kilduff begin fighting. Kilduff punches Curly]

    [Larry quickly runs into the auditorium with the radio, which is still playing "Pop Goes The Weasel."]

    LARRY: Hey! I got it! I got it!

    [Larry runs up to Moe and places the radio at the end of the ring. Moe taps Larry in the head]

    [Curly hears the Weasel song and starts his woo-woo. Suddenly, the Weasel song stops and a radio announcer starts talking.]

    RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now, little kiddies, Uncle Dan will tell you how Fuzzy Bear met Jerry Porcupine under the old hollow tree stump in the woods, right next to Peter Rabbit's gingerbread house.

    [Kilduff punches Curly a couple of times. Moe grabs the radio and breaks it on Larry's head. Larry falls backwards and lands at the back of the auditorium. He runs out of the auditorium]

    [Kilduff punches Curly a few times. The boy gets ready to throw a candy at the bell. The timekeeper sees this. As soon as the boy throws his candy at the bell, the timekeeper quickly hammers on the bell at the same time the candy hits it. The timekeeper sticks his tongue out at the boy]

    [Curly sits on the stool at the corner of the ring. Kilduff gargles on some liquid and spits it out on a funnel connected by a hose. When Moe puts the funnel in front of Curly, Curly just talks into it]

    CURLY: [talking into the funnel] Hello ma. Doing the best I can. But I'm afraid it's not good enough. Have you seen Larry, Ma?

    [Moe slaps Curly in the head]

    MOE: What's the matter with you?

    [Curly slaps one of the men next to him]

    [Cut to the outside where we see Larry running]

    [Cut to the auditorium. The boy throws a candy at the bell. The timekeeper catches the candy and rings the bell with his hammer.]

    [Kilduff punches Curly. Curly punches Kilduff. The lady that Curly was flirting with earlier starts getting excited]

    LADY: Get in there with that left!

    [Kilduff grabs Curly and punches him in the face several times. Curly bites the side of Kilduff's stomach. Kilduff punches Curly a couple of times.]

    [Cut to the outside where we see Larry still running]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring. The referee tries to break the fight between Curly and Kilduff. Curly grabs the referee and uses him as a shield.]

    REFEREE: You can't do that. Let go! No!

    [Kilduff throws a punch, the referee ducks, and Curly gets hit. Curly taps the referee hard. Curly tries to climb out of the ring, but he gets tangled up with the ropes]

    REFEREE: What's the matter here?

    CURLY: Time out! Time out!

    MOE: I suppose you want the afternoon off.

    [Cut to the outside. Larry hears a truck playing "Pop Goes The Weasel." He runs inside the truck and drives away with it. The man standing on the back of the truck falls off.]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring. Kilduff punches Curly a couple of times.]

    [Cut to Moe who is eating a sponge as he watches Curly get beat up.]

    [Cut to the outside where we see Larry driving the truck recklessly]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring. Kilduff punches Curly a couple of times.]

    [Cut to the outside where we still see Larry driving the truck recklessly]

    [Cut back to the fighting ring. Kilduff throws a big punch at Curly and he falls on the floor. The referee starts counting.]

    REFEREE: One, two…

    [Larry crashes the truck into the auditorium. Curly hears the Weasel song playing. He gets up]

    REFEREE: &

  • Why in the name of all things comical did you post the entire script for the Punch Drunk short as opposed to, I dunno, THE SKETCH ITSELF?

  • @Darth Marsden said: Why in the name of all things comical did you post the entire script for the Punch Drunk short as opposed to, I dunno, THE SKETCH ITSELF?

    Because I FELT like it! But now that you mention it...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmNn0squ444&NR=1&feature=endscreen
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCg8qqZnaNU&feature=relmfu

  • Actually, I prefer the BBC's remake of "Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel" to the Marx brothers themselves....:D

    (but it's *such* a rotten shame that Chico and Harpo were too ill for "A Night at the United Nations" to go ahead. The Marx Brothers, directed by Billy Wilder, plus six of MGM's top stars of the early 1960s... what a loss.)

  • @Chyron8472 said: I reiterate.

    Not in here, you won’t!

  • The Three Stooges movie is fecking abysmal.

  • User Avatar Image
    Jennifer Moderator

    I didn't mind it (except for the baby scene), and found it worth the price of a rental. It wasn't great, but it had it's moments.

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