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The Game Review Thread

posted by ryannumber1gamer on - last edited - Viewed by 576 users

Hey everyone, This is a thread where anyone can make game reviews. It can just be written on a post in this thread or it can be on a blog or it can be a video on Youtube. Anyway have fun :)

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  • I'd like to kick off this thread with a review of the Twilight movie.

    ...

    Ahem.

    ...

    It fucking sucks.

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    That is all.

    EDIT: Oh all right.

    The Twilight movie baffles me. It's one of the most appalling bad films I've ever seen, with so many amateurish mistakes made during its creation, and yet it's become amazingly popular. It's a genuine mystery how so many people can like it.

    The plot, for lack of a better word, is so weak it defies logic. Girl moves to backwater town, falls in love with boy, boy turns out to be vampire, vampire has family, everyone's cool with everything, random threat dealt with in about 5 minutes, girl wants to be vampire so she can be with boy forever. And while that may seem like it's interesting, they somehow manage to not only pad this out to over two hours, but they also manage to lose any sense of pacing.

    There's no transitional phases to show that these events take place over a great span of time, and as a result everything seems to occur within the space of a week. It's incredibly disturbing to see the girl meet the boy and then, with seemingly little interaction between the two, suddenly declare that she's in love with him and blindly accept that he's a vampire. Who sparkles.

    Which brings me on to the effects, which are uniformly awful. There are three main types of effects. One being when the vampires are seen during the day - they sparkle rather then burn to a crisp as per every other vampire movie ever, and the CG-work for this is shockingly silly. The second is when the vampires run or climb things - it's amazingly obvious that the actors are on wires and just mimicking the actions they should be taking, and brings to mind comedy skits more than anything else. The third is when the vampires leap through the air and attack each other - the jumps more like the actors are simply gliding through the air in awkward poses. It's impossible to take anyone seriously when the average internet reviewer is capable of doing better effects than a fully-financed feature film.

    And what film would be complete without actors? This one apparently, because there are none. There's a bunch of models hanging around, but there doesn't appear to be anyone with any actual acting abilities. Half the time the models leave long pauses in between their dialogues that just looks like they forgot their next line, and when they're actually required to deliver anything resembling a performance they turn into robots, giving stilted, emotionless readings that would bore even the most forgiving acting coach.

    The whole film is one long cure for insomnia, because nothing about it is even remotely entertaining. There is nothing good about this film, save that it gathers together all the people who like it into one place, which makes it easier for us sane people to blow them to bits. This is one of the most uninspired, lazy and pointless films I have ever witnessed. 2/10, and the only reason it's got that high a mark is because of the soundtrack, which is far and away the best thing about this movie. Not that you'd know, because there's hardly any music playing though the film. Pretty much a failure all round.

  • @Darth Marsden said: I'd like to kick off this thread with a review of the Twilight movie.

    ...

    Ahem.

    ...

    It fucking sucks.

    ...

    That is all.

    Ok that was a pretty much sums it up but it's a game review thread...I don't know if this should be a game review thread or just a reviewing thread.

  • I'd like to kick off this thread with a review of Twilight the Game.

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    Ahem.

    ...

    It fucking sucks.

    ...

    That is all.

  • I'd like to kick off with a review of this thread...

    ...it kinda blows really.

    It's pretty redundant and the content is irrelevant and lacking.


    0/10

  • Oh, it's for game reviews? Shit. How'd I miss that? And I spent like 15 minutes on that review and everything!

  • @RetroVortex said: I'd like to kick off with a review of this thread...

    ...it kinda blows really.

    It's pretty redundant and the content is irrelevant and lacking.


    0/10

    Il review your post It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.

  • @coolsome said: Il review your post It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.

    I can see why this reply is critically acclaimed! :D

  • I was actually working on a review for A Vampyre Story a couple months back before I got bored and did something more interesting, like cutting my toenails or something. I've just gone back and finished it, so here it is:

    A Vampyre Story

    Let it never be said that I am unwilling to give games a chance to impress me. I am more than willing to try games of a wide variety of genres, and adventure games are no exception. But when I no longer want to play after an hour for countless reasons, then you’re not going to be looking at a good write-up.

    Enter A Vampyre Story.

    Brought to us from Bill Tiller, an ex-LucasArts developer, the story behind A Vampyre’s Tale revolves around Mona, a wannabe Opera singer unknowingly turned into a vampire. With her token ‘funny’ sidekick, she attempts to escape the castle she’s been imprisoned in and follow her dreams.

    The first, and probably biggest, problem with the game is that the voice actress for Mona is incredibly annoying. A French accent is never easy to do, even at the best of times, and this is as far from the best as can be. In fact, all of the voicework is annoying, which makes the whole game particularly frustrating to play through, but it’s definitely Mona, being the lead character, who sticks in the mind most.

    The second issue is the dialogue. Aside from the fact that there’s far, far too much of it, it’s all rather clumsily written. Given that it’s an adventure game, dialogue is a key element, and for the game to have so much bad writing coming from the characters is a massive problem. The humour is never funny, the banter goes on way too long, the descriptions are much too detailed and you’ll end up just skipping most of the flavour text, which is a really bad sign.

    Another issue is that the art design, while beautiful to look at, makes it rather hard to see a lot of essential items, such as banners and hanging swords, most of which has a very frustrating habit of blending into the backgrounds. It adds an artificial level of difficulty to the game – or would, if there weren't the option to highlight all the interactive hotspots by holding the Tab key, a feature you will be using frequently.

    There are positives though, and it would be remiss of me not to mention them. The inventory system features a ‘remembrance’ system where Mona won’t actually pick up large objects but simply remember where they are, going back and getting them when you use an icon from your inventory representing them. It’s an idea that’s long been needed in adventure games, and it’s a most welcome feature.

    The puzzles themselves are also interesting, if nothing else. Unfortunately, they’re also rather complicated, and you need to jump onto the developer’s slightly twisted train of logic to have any hope of solving them. It’s not a problem solely restricted to this game – it’s endemic of the ‘comedy adventure’ genre – but some of the bizarre conundrums here will leave you stuck for ages until you give up and look up the answers online, which I don’t feel is a positive step.

    There’s potential here, but unfortunately it’s buried beneath a ton of odd design choices and a frankly terrible choice of VAs. It’s not too difficult to see why this planned opener for a trilogy never got its second game, because based on this one, it wouldn’t have been much fun at all.

  • ... Isn't this very nearly the same exact thing as the What are you currently playing thread?

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    Vainamoinen Moderator

    Ohhhh and the "Rate the last game you finished thread" with a vengeance. :cool:

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