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Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

posted by St_Eddie on - last edited - Viewed by 8.6K users

Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

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I first purchased this game as a 13 year old kid, back in 1995. Although I have completed it a couple of times, it's been many years since I last did so. Therefore, replaying this game is sure to feel rather fresh.

The only other thing I want to say before we begin is that I genuinely enjoy playing this game and have very fond memories of it. I only say this because the tone of this let's play will be fairly humorous and at times, playfully mocking but I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was slagging off the game.

Without further adieu, let's get started...

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The game certainly doesn't try to break convention as we start on a cut-scene; where we find our smart mouthed hero, Joe King (it's best to get used to the cringe inducing puns in this game), pilot for hire, tied up in a warehouse with his date.

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The reason they are tied up is because the lady is the girlfriend of a walking cliché of a mob boss. He found out about his girl's infidelity and was none too pleased to say the least. Also, it's interesting to see that Prince has an uncredited cameo as the gangster on the right!

princek.jpg"You Dirty Rat!"

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The gangster has avoided common sense by failing to shoot them (well actually common sense would be filing for divorce but gangsters are prone to becoming a bit grumpy) and has instead rigged up a bomb to explode. It looks like curtains for our dating couple and the tension is palpable. Of course this is still the opening cinematic, so we know that Joe will be okay.

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Our saving grace comes in the form a very ungraceful entrance. Standing in a bathtub (for some inexplicable reason) is our good pal, Sparky; who enters by crashing through the roof.

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The warehouse explodes moments after we make our escape, with the mob boss still inside. You'd think that he would have vacated the premises considering he set the bomb to go off but I've come to the conclusion that he probably suffers from short term memory loss.

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Rather than taking a much deserved day off work, Joe is more concerned with collecting his latest paying passenger; the famous movie star, Faye Russel. You certainly couldn't say that he's not dedicated to his job.

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However, once we arrive at the venue where Faye is staying we find Anderson standing in her dressing room. Everyone has an arch-nemesis; David has Goliath, Holmes has Moriarty, Wile E. Coyote has Road Runner and Joe has Anderson (a rival pilot for hire).

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Anderson explains that he intends to steal Faye away from us, as his own passenger. He then locks the door (which is made of solid steal... um, why?!), thus trapping us in the room.

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And so the true adventure begins. Currently Joe is carrying his diary (used to save and load games) and a baseball bat. I'm not sure as to why Joe carries a bat with him. Maybe he's prone to a spot of impromptu baseball!

spinaltap.png"Nah, I carry this partly out of... I don't know. What's the word?"
"Affectation?"
"Right."

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I decide that the bat may be put to good use by smashing the window to the right but Joe informs me that it's made of bullet-proof glass! This is getting ridiculous, why in tarnation does Faye Russel need a solid steal door and a bullet-proof glass window?! Is she a high priority target for the assassins of the world? I can only assume that she's received death threats from an obsessed fan (the same kind that I regularly send to Charlize Theron).

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Seeming as I can't break the window, perhaps I can shout to my pal Sparky for help, who's stood outside reading his favourite comic, 'Commander Rocket'. My attempts to gain his attention are fruitless however because the glass is not only bullet-proof but also sound-proof (but of course).

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All is not lost however as upon picking up some sheets strewn across the floor, I discover a laundry shoot. Now call me over-zealous when it comes to health and safety if you like, but isn't a GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN THE GROUND just a tad dangerous?! Never-mind, at least it's an escape route.

I knot the two sheets together, tie them to the nearby radiator and descend the chute.

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Wwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

... hold on! If I'm simply sliding down the chute, then why in blazes did I need to tie together those sheets?! Ho hum, a slide's always fun so I'm not going to complain.

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Being the sex crazed (and starved) maniac that I am, the first thing that I'm interested in investigating are these novelty boobies (heh heh... boobies)! I pick up a pair (they might come in handy on a cold, lonely winters night) and admire the unbeatable craftsmanship...

blackadderbreasts.png"Unbeatable? Au contraire."

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Anywayyyyyy... I take the stairs up to the lobby but unfortunately my escape route is being guarded by a couple more gangsters. I immediately spy a rather handy key on the bell boy's desk and attempt to pick it up. Naturally, the staff is not going to let that happen so I talk to him and exhaust all of the dialogue options but to no avail.

I also try to press the bell on the desk but it cannot be achieved, which is a shame because I love to ring the desk bell multiple times in adventure games when the assistant is already standing there. It usually winds them up to no end! You've missed a trick here, developers.

It's worth pointing out that the bell boy's voice sounds like a cross between these two...

kermitthefrog.gifKermit the Frog (anthropomorphised frog thing)

beeknariz.pngBeek Nariz (the elephant man's uglier brother)

... You'd think that the manager of the venue would want to have someone with a slightly less ludicrous voice manning the front desk but clearly the manager is an equal opportunities employer, so I'm not going to berate him for being a nice chap.

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Feeling as though I'm now out of options, I attempt to sneak past the gangsters but they spot me. The short one sounds just like Marlon Brando and the tall one looks like David Prowse in 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' (as evidenced at 2:15 in this clip). Therefore, I shall henceforth refer to them as Brando & Prowse.

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Brando & Prowse lock me back in Faye's room and... remove my clothes. They claim that this might discourage me from attempting to escape again but quite frankly, I have my suspicions that they're just a couple of horny perverts!

I then spend the next 10 minutes wondering back and forth between the different areas, absolutely clueless as to what I need to do next. Out of desperation, I try interacting with every object in every logical way possible... still no luck.

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Then I try talking to the bell boy again, only to find a new dialogue option. It turns out that you have to look at the key before this option will appear! Grr... bloody adventure games!

Anyway, now that I have the key to the dressing room; I head on down there...

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... to be confronted by Joe's ex-girlfriend, Lola. She's awful mad at Joe for dumping her and the two have a humorous back and forth.

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Lola hops in to the shower and conveniently has her private areas covered by patches of steam on the glass (how very 'Austin Powers'). Lola agrees to help us escape if we retrieve a towel for her (I guess she's rather easily pleased). Luckily, I have one to hand and Lola soon explains her plan to us.

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The plan is to dress me Joe up in ladies clothing, so that I can pass the gangsters upstairs unnoticed. Joe attaches the boobies (heh heh... boobies), puts on a wig found in Faye's room and slips on the dress.

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A 'Maniac Mansion' style cut-scene is triggered...

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... in which we are introduced to a quite clearly insane Doctor named Ironstein (I did warn you about the awful puns). However, for the purposes of this let's play, I shall call him Dr. Fruitloop.

Speaking to his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop explains his retarded genius master plan to turn Amazonian women into dinosaur people. I'm sure it's a dream we've all had at some point or another, right alongside world peace and sleeping with Charlize Theron.

In order to show the process of the transformation to the player his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop fires up the machine...

52353240.jpgreddwarfdna.jpg"Transmogrification process initiated."
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I couldn't help but notice that the sound that the machine makes is the same iconic sound effect made by the opening of doors in 'Doom'. Tsk tsk, developers!

Dr. Fruitloop then explains that he will now activate the 'Aggression Enhancer'...
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... but he's clearly not left the beta stage of development yet!

Sadly for Dr. Fruitloop (but thankfully for the women of the Amazon) he's run out of test subjects. Unfortunately that's not going to stop an ambitious young ancient go-getter like Dr. Fruitloop though...

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Seriously, this guy's so corny that I'm surprised the developers didn't have him cackle in an evil manner...

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... oh, they did.

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The cut-scene has finished and we return to Joe Joanne, as we prepare to exit the hotel. We succeed and Sparky drives us away but the goons do a double-take and realise that was no lady!

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Marlon & Prowse give chase and open fire at Joe. Because this is an adventure game, they're shots are less on target than a blind Stormtrooper's.

stormtroopero.jpg"Hey! I'd totally blow your head off for that remark... if I wasn't such a rubbish shot!"

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Luckily there's a canister of oil on the back of the truck, so I chuck it at the car and it's "adios amigos". That just leaves one thing; for Joe to make a Schwarzenegger-esque quip...

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Pure poetry!

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We catch up with Anderson (the cad!) just as he's about to fly away with Faye using our plane (the extra-double-bastard cad).

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Joe uses his subtle negotiation skills to... punch Anderson out cold. Sparky then appears to join us on our flight.

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Nuts! Our plane has been hit by lightning and it looks like we're going down...

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Hmm, I sense the beginning of a familiar relationship ...

templeofdoom.jpgWell, that's it for Part 1.

165 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • Woohoo+Wednesday.jpg

    I shall very much look forward to it.

  • Awesome! I'm really looking forward to it, and I usually have zero interest in Let's Plays.

  • @Darth Marsden said: Woohoo+Wednesday.jpg

    I shall very much look forward to it.

    @Darth Marsden said: Awesome! I'm really looking forward to it, and I usually have zero interest in Let's Plays.

    Thank you kindly to you both. Making these let's play installments is nothing short of a headache but comments like these make it all worthwhile (and then some).

  • @St_Eddie said: You (and a few others) may be pleased to know that a new installment in my let's play will be uploaded tomorrow. ;)

    f89332db8409209c752c4f9a48c623babf0f3507

  • Whilst you are all waiting for me to finish the tedious workload on my new installment, I thought that I'd just let you know that I've updated Part 4 of this let's play (on page two of this thread).

    I was never particularly happy with Part 4 and whilst one can only do so much with the material provided, I do think that it makes for a far more entertaining read now. So, you may want to revisit it. If nothing else, it'll make for a good refresher of where we last left of, prior to tomorrows update.

  • Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
    Part 5: 'Life's a Glitch'

    It's been quite some time since the last update so please watch this video prior to reading on.

    Done that? Good. Let's continue...

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    You may recall this complete and utter bastard; the Jar Jar Binks of this game. Well, during the last installment of this let's play I couldn’t figure out how to get past the git but I figure that I might as well attempt the same tactic as before by causing a paradox (regarding Robin Williams’ blatant non-existence within reality)…

    hookwilliams.jpg"I do believe in fairies. I do not believe in myself."

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    It’s worth a shot but surely there’s no way the developers would bring back this waking turd of a character just to repeat exactly the same puzzle as before is there?!
    (clue: yes, of course they fucking would because they’re sadists).

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    No comment.

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    As I enter the area that the gorilla was previously blocking, I suddenly think that I’m playing a King’s Quest game. Are those supposed to be rocks or are they what they look like; gigantic freakin’ pumpkins?!

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    A man pushing a giant rock.

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    A delicious pumpkin.

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    I notice a dodgy glitch an interesting detail in the graphics (which I’ve circled for you). It’s some kind of black bar in the water.

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    Whilst I’m sure that I’ll be needing that orchid, it also occurs to me that the wasps may be the “something with a buzz” ingredient that I need for Bud’s knob lotion. I guess that I was wrong to have assumed that it was the beetle that I would be needing for that - you win this round game.

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    I vacuum up the wasps and collect the orchid.

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    Henry the Hoover; arch nemesis to wasps.

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    I proceed on and come across what appears to be an entrance to a temple but before I can investigate, Joe hears the sound of someone approaching.

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    Well do it then! Don’t just stand there speaking to yourself and therefore drawing even more attention to your position. Hide man, hide!

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    Amazingly, the approaching Amazonian women is unable to spot the man shaped blob, wearing a baseball cap that’s crouched right in front of her and walks right past.

    mancrouching.jpg “At last, I’ve done it! At last I’ve discovered the secret of invisibility!”

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    The Amazonian enters by pushing the left booby of the statue (heh heh… more boobies), enters and the door closes behind her.

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    Oh Lord! Not again, Joe. Why do you find it so hard to believe that there’s such a thing as Amazonian women?!

    I walk up to the entrance and examine it…
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    NEVER?! Breasts?! Really?!

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    Ban this sick filth!

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    Ah, that famous Amazonian saying; “mister”.

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    DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

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    Why? Didn’t you read the previous ‘later in…’ screen, Joe? Anyway, I best try and make my escape…

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    Uhhhhh... why can’t Joe fit through the bars exactly? You could fit the entire Chinese population through there at the same time (and a few giant pandas to boot).

    Maybe if I try pulling on the torch on the wall, it will open up a secret doorway or something…
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    Good for you, Joe. Now how about pulling on the non-sentient torch like I asked you to, you fucking lemon.

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    Can a jail cell really be “stupid”? Is it really fair to judge a inanimate object by it’s lack of intelligence?

    shelfp.jpg“Look at that shelving unit, the moronic bastard. Sitting there, thinking that it’s so much better than the rest of us. The cheeky shit.”

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    Okay, I take it back. That thing is pretty fucking stupid.

    I decide to talk to the crazy looking sod in the corner…
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    Um, Joe. Do you not remember? Bud and Skip already explained to you that they rape men.

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    See. Told you.

    Joe asks whether he’s in any danger of being killed…
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    The return of Joe “adorably sexist” King!

    act5jpeg030.jpg“Aye, I’ve got another one down me pants, laddie. Would you care to slip your hand down there and try it on for size?”

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    It’s incredibly tempting to choose the last dialogue option but in the interest of finishing this let’s play sometime before I die, I decide to go for the first option.

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    States the old man.
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    Replies Joe.

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    Interrupts Crocodile Dundee, before going back to not having a career anymore.

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    The old man offers Joe his puppet with a stick baseball bat.

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    Not this again. For Christ’s sake! Just take the fucking thing, you dingle berry.

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    Yes, take it. It’s sure to be useful at some point considering that this is an adventure game. If someone offers you a punch in the face in an adventure game; you best accept it!

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    Don’t even start, you walking bucket of bile.

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    TAKE IT!

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    There’s only one stupid thing here, Joe and that’s you.

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    TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT. FUCKING TAKE THE BLOODY THING ALREADY.

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    I don’t particularly want to play an adventure game where I get to control a characterless simpleton like you either but needs must. NOW TAKE THE BASTARD BAT, YOU MASSIVE TIT!

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    Exactly! How dare you hurt the batshit crazy old git who smells of piss’ feelings, you insensitive asshole.

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    Finally! The next time you do that, I’m wiping your sorry artificial ass from my hard drive. Let that be a warning to you.

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    Oh great, look who’s here. It’s little miss prissy knickers. Whoop de do.

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    If you want to find help for yourself then why don’t you book yourself into a shrink, you self-absorbed bitch!

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    Yes. Yes, they really are Amazonian women, Joe. Let’s settle this thing right now; what is it that you can’t grasp about women living in the Amazon? Why is an easy to grasp fact so difficult for you to comprehend?

    I mean did you get a book for your birthday as a kid called ‘Mythical Creatures of the Ages’ or something? Had that book got melded together with pages from another book titled ‘Women of the Amazon’ due to some freak mishap at the publishers factory?

    I just don’t get you, Joe. You’re a bloody imbecile and if I have to listen to you harping on with amazement every time you see or hear about an Amazonian women again, then I’m going to pick up my computer and chuck it (and thus you) out of the God damned window.

    You stupid, dumbass, ignorant, poorly written son of a bitch. I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

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    I do apologise, folks. Normal service has now been resumed.

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    And I’d like to see them just as soon as I’m done rubbing your nips with my mouse cursor.

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    Hmm. I could swear that I’ve seen this woman somewhere before…
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    Ah, the recycling of sprites. Lazy developers everywhere, I hate salute you.

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    Ms. “I fully endorse recycling” informs me that the evil Dr. Fruitloop has kidnapped their tribe’s Princess. That’s the third person/bird who’s told me, following on from the parrot and Trader Slob.

    Did the developers figure that players would suffer from short term memory loss or something? I know that my mission is to put a stop to Dr. Fruitloop and to save the Princess. I really don’t need to be reminded of the fact by every other person (and animal) I come across. The next animal I come across will probably remind me to wipe my own ass!

    wipingbottom.gif“Remember; always wipe front to back, Joe.”

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    The main one being that you’re quite handy when it comes to D.I.Y. because you’re a complete and utter tool. Joe agrees to help the tribe by… yadda yadda yadda, fruitloop, blah, blah, blah princess… and off he goes.

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    Joe exits to the pool area of the temple and immediately starts leering at the ladies.

    sleazyman.jpg“Awight darlin’. Wanna see my love stick? It’s nine and a half pixels long."

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    Oh stop it, you dirt merchant!

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    The less said about your appalling chauvinistic attitude the better I think.

    LOOK AT WATER
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    How can the water be full?!

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    Oh no, not the naked lady taking a shower! Come one man, have some respect.

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    No you’re not.

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    That’s not going to stop a complete wanker young buck like Joe, right fellows?

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    Great it’s Asshole Simulator ’95 and Rapist Simulator ’95 available together in a double pack for the first ever time! Little Jimmy will be pleased when he unwraps that present from under the Christmas tree.

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    Because. They. Are. Locked. In. The. Dungeon. As. Has. Already. Been. Established. You. Muppet.

    Still, the showering Amazonian decides to hold off slapping Joe for a while and instead explains to him why their tribe doesn’t let men walk around the temple freely…
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    I leave the temple (noticing that the entrance to the secret temple has been left wide open) and head out to give the orchid to Trader Slob because I have a great memory and distinctly remember him saying he needed to find a present for Naomi.

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    Shut up!

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    In return for the orchid, Trader Slob gives me a net.

    I attempt to be cheeky by grabbing another net but to no avail…
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    There’s no need for ‘Take That’, period.

    I head off to use the net to grab the bottle of perfume floating in the piranha infested waters…
    act5jpeg081.jpgpiranhab.jpg“Oi, where’s our shrubbery?”
    I also make use of the net by capturing the beetle…
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    I hand the perfume over to Naomi.

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    He sure is. Also, black is white and Hitler was an absolute darling.

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    Well, whoopee-shit.

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    Here I am, giving a sloth a haircut.

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    Definition of 'Exciting' - Causing excitement, stirring, stimulating, Giving a three-toed sloth a perm.

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    Not long ago, Joe was asking the missionary whether a sloth was a human. Now he’s suddenly David fucking Attenborough!

    Now that I have the necessary ingredients for the potion (hair of a sloth and wasps), I make my way back to the Bitch Doctor...
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    Yeahhhh… I wouldn’t point the nuzzle of that vacuum at her, Joe. There’s around 50 seriously cheesed off wasps in there right now.

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    Great, I’m so very, very happy. Let’s all celebrate like it’s 1999 again. I’ll crack open a bottle of bubbly. At last, Bud’s knob-rot can be cured. Huzzah!

    The Bitch Doctor starts mixing together the lotion and chanting…
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    I don’t even want to know what that is!

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    I take the lotion to Bud and attempt to hand it to him but it won’t work for some reason, so I try taking to him…

    Only to find that the game has glitched and it doesn’t remember me already having talked to these two before, So I wade through the exact same conversation for the second time in a single playthrough…

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    It also means having to listen to this line again…
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    GAHHHHHHH!!!!


    Having entered the Twilight Zone and come back through the other side, I hand Bud the lotion…
    act5jpeg099.jpg"Now let’s never speak of this again."

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    Great, I can go and buy myself an adventure game that’s actually halfway decent.

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    Well, that’s it for Part 5.

  • Can you die in this adventure game? I'm starting to feel that Joe needs an... accident to happen to him soon. Maybe then you'll get to play a new character who is actually halfway decent (not likely, but hope springs eternal).

  • Joe isn't wrong. Amazonian women don't exist. Those lying [bleep] are obviously frauds.

  • User Avatar Image
    Jennifer Moderator

    I'm pretty sure the writers meant the Amazon women from Greek myth.

    It's still funny though the way it's written, especially considering Joe has already met at least two women who live in the Amazon (the witch doctor and Naomi). :p

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