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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 10.2K users

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.


He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...


Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

Which he promptly does.

Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?


The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?


This... THING from Star Wars?


Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.


No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!



So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.


And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.


...I wish.

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  • This screenshot Let's Play is neat. I vaguely remember this Simon character (never got into his games) I think from an Ad on TV or a magazine back in the day. Nevertheless this game looks frighteningly bad but you're doing a good presentation of it that makes it easy for me to follow. :) Thanks for toiling through it!

  • ...and we're back.

    So I promised a criminal, and by golly if I don't deliver.

    But before we do, a quick shot of MucSwampys (yeah, I got the name of it wrong earlier. Sorry. Of course, the game mis-spells it too, so it's not entirely my fault):


    As you can see, it's locked. We're going to have to find some way of opening it so we can rummage around inside and find out where the Swampling has gotten to.

    ...OK, enough dilly-dallying. Let's go find that outlaw.


    Say hello to Goldilocks, everyone!


    Actually, yes. Yes she was.

    In the second game, she was a fugitive running from the law after being caught breaking and entering the Three Bears House and stealing from them.

    She's also got a Cockney accent - it wasn't that bad in the previous game, but here it's being done by someone who's only experience of a cockney is watching Mary Poppins.

    It's not very good, is what I'm saying.


    She wants us to help her escape. Apparently she can't read too good and got arrested for trying to steal from the Sheriff. Oops.

    Naturally, since Simon is the most deviously evil main character I've ever controlled in a game where I'm supposed to be the GOOD guy, we're going to let her out and abuse her lack of education to further our own ends.

    She tells us to go and get the key from the Sheriff's office, which is just beyond her.

    The question is - what do we get out of the deal? Well, she tells us that she's got half a treasure map, so we pull it out of her bra (fnar fnar) and reveal it's the same map we've got leading to MucSwampys. We automatically show her the complete one Calypso gave us:


    ...and she says that if we get her out, she'll split the treasure with us. Remember, she can't read, so she doesn't know it's a map to a fast food restaurant.

    So we're going to get her out of her predicament. Which leads to possibly the most infuriating section of the entire game.


    ...the Sheriff's office.

    The key to the stocks is in a cupboard behind the Sheriff, who's asleep at his desk.


    Like so. We reach that cupboard by walking around him.



    Needless to say, this is fucking impossible. The controls are so awkward, the camera angle so unintuitive and the hit detection so terrible that failure is all but guaranteed.

    After the first three or four attempts (which result in you being told to get out), the Sheriff tells you to lock yourself in the cell.

    This puzzle is so badly programmed and made me so infuriated with the game that I had to stop playing, go for a walk and then come back 10 minutes later after I'd calmed down.

    Don't believe me?

    Let me shows you.

    I do, eventually, somehow manage to luck out and make my way to the cupboard. Thank CHRIST.

    And then I stop.

    ...I'd like to do something a little different now. Rather than just describe the events that happen to you, I want you to understand the thought process that went through my mind at this point.

    Humour me.

    LP-C2-LA01_zps5fbf9e77.pngLP-C2-LA02_zpsc59ad176.pngLP-C2-LA03_zpsaa85a7a1.pngLP-C2-LA04_zps88a151a0.pngLP-C2-LA05_zps0600902d.pngLP-C2-LA06_zpsb3770270.pngLP-C2-LA07_zpsbeebf3e9.pngLP-C2-LA08_zpsc8688875.png, really. That's how I beat this puzzle. By anticipating that the game would be a dick to me.

    Lord help me, I'm starting to adapt to this game's sick, twisted logic. May heaven have mercy on my soul.


    ...anyway. We get the key. At this point, we can feel free to let the Sheriff catch us, since he just orders us straight back to the cell. We walk out, leave the building and return to Goldilocks.


    So we let the woman go and hand her the 'treasure map'.


    She runs off and tells us to meet her there in a few minutes.

    So I kill a few seconds by...



    Simon really is just plain scum, isn't he.

    Anyway. Onto MucSwampys!


    Well, at least she's gotten the place open. She leaves, pledging to take revenge on whoever gave her the map by eating their porridge.

    But oh, Simon can't just leave it at that, can he. Oh no.


    Oh fuck off, you condescending little prick.

  • So Simon is scum. Maybe he is the one that didn't buy a present in the Secret Santa event.

  • Ah, but that implies that we liked him enough to let him take part in the first place.

  • Why is War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise on your wall.

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    That part at about 1:30 in your video where you nearly made it but ended up nudging his chair must have been infuriating.

    At least you managed to dodge that trap with the cabinet door.

  • @Secret Fawful said: Why is War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise on your wall.

    I am frankly amazed you could make that out.

    I've never actually seen it - the poster was free from the cinema when I went to see something else. I haven't touched the poster in years. It's a cool design though, so I don't see myself taking it down.
    @Secret Fawful said: That part at about 1:30 in your video where you nearly made it but ended up nudging his chair must have been infuriating.

    At least you managed to dodge that trap with the cabinet door.I screamed when I hit the chair. Like, a full on scream of anguish.

    Right at the end of the video you can see me save the game. That's where I stopped recording and went for a walk just to cool down. It's somewhat telling that the first attempt I made after that is the one where I finally made it.

  • @Darth Marsden said: I am frankly amazed you could make that out.

    I've never actually seen it - the poster was free from the cinema when I went to see something else. I haven't touched the poster in years. It's a cool design though, so I don't see myself taking it down.

    At some point you need to scream HELP ME TOM CRUISE! in your playthrough then.

    Also, MUG Root Beer tastes terrible. Barqs or A&W is where it's at.

  • Hey, look, next post is a new page.

  • Simon is my new fave video game character.

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