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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 10.1K users

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.


He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...


Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

Which he promptly does.

Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?


The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?


This... THING from Star Wars?


Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.


No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!



So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.


And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.


...I wish.

252 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • Hey guys. Bad news.

    Unfortunately, my PC has just died. Hopefully I can get it repared, but if not, then I'll have to get a new one. Gah.

    Either way, I'm going to be offline for a while, and as such will not be able to continue with this Let's Play until I'm back. Which is a pain in the arse, as I was really enjoying sharing my pain, but that's life, I guess.

    So, uh, yeah. Hope to be back soon.

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    Simon probably killed it. He already kills everything else he gets remotely close to.

    Seriously, though, that sucks. Hopefully it'll be an easy fix and your computer will be back up and running soon.

  • OK, so apparently my PC's working now. Huh.

    Ah, whatever. Here's another update for ya.

    Right. Let's head inside MucSwampys then, shall we?


    And here it is. Boy, this reminds me of a few fast food places. Wait - NO IT DOESN'T. Seriously, no place in England looks anything like this. Bright white is an absolute bitch to keep clean.


    So here we are. A room full of stuff... and the game won't let us interact with ANY of it. We can't even pick up the sachets of vinegar that Simon's looking right at. Oh well, whatever. Let's head to the back room, see if there's anything there.


    ...and here we are in Swampy's private office. And again, I can't interact with ANYTHING. Why fill a room full of stuff if you can't do anything with any of it?

    Seriously, the only thing we can interact with is under the desk, and we have to crouch to even see it.


    If we use that button, this happens:


    It's a lift. So we go in it and find...



    ...uh, yeah.

    To the bottom of the screen is a desk full of papers. Let's have a look at that.


    OK, long story short: Swampy's discovered that someone's going to destroy his beloved swamp and build houses there. He's gone to stop them with some sort of bomb.

    Right. So now we know where Swampy is, let's get over there.


    But oh, just as we leave...


    ...this guy appears thinking the place is open again.

    Simon tries to tell him it's not in his usual charming manner.


    So the fat guy (who's a proper wizard, unlike Simon) promptly does this:


    I may be just a little bit in love with this guy.

    ...seriously. This is the first time Simon's had ANY form of comeuppance for his frankly appalling behaviour throughout the entire game, and not only do I highly applaud this, I want to see MORE OF IT.

    So the fat wizard gets Simon to make him a burger without Sesame seeds. Unfortunately, Simon forgets to take them off, so the wizard makes him do it at the counter.


    We now have those in our inventory, BTW.

    ...and then, just to put the icing on the cake, the fat guy does this:


    Dude's not hungry any more!

    I swear, it's so nice to see someone being a dick to Simon for once.

    ...I'm still gonna get my PC looked at, since it's clearly not particularly healthy, so there may be a few days or so without any updates. Just to warn you guys.

  • @Darth Marsden said: OK, so apparently my PC's working now. Huh.

    Make a backup. Now. Or you'll have to get to that cabinet again.

  • A few days without Simon 3D?!!!


  • @WarpSpeed said: Make a backup. Now. Or you'll have to get to that cabinet again.

    Trust me, it's pretty much the first thing I did.

    Well, I've backed up the videos I recorded, anyway. I can't seem to find the savegames. Hmm...

  • ...and we're back.

    OK, so after the wizard removes the seal on Simon's mouth (aww...), we head outside. Remember, we're headed to the swamp, since that's where Swampy is.

    Now, where was that map?


    Right. Let's head over to the gate then.


    Ah. Bugger.

    (Incidentally, the left goblin rather obviously has the same voice actress as Goldilocks - it's very distracting)

    So we need to get papers. Where do we get those?

    ...I dunno.

    Turns out we need to ask this guy:


    ...I did introduce him, didn't I? Oh, right. Sorry. Well, this is Calypso.

    So yes, in order to figure out what to do next, the game has forced us back down that incredibly long corridor. PADDING!

    As you can see, he tells us to visit a forger who can do us some nice fake papers.

    The problem is, he's in a Wizards-Only club, and we can't get in, since Simon isn't technically a wizard.

    So let's go to the Magic Guild and register as one then.


    More padding, since this hall is about 17 times bigger than it needs to be.




    Yes. We had to go all the way back, AGAIN, just so Calypso can give us the go-ahead to use him as our sponser.

    ...and now we get to go all the way back again.


    Now that we're in (of sorts), the guy there (who has EXACTLY the same voice as S.I.G.N. from earlier, so clearly the game needed another couple of voice actors!) rolls his magic die to see Simon's magic rating.


    ...dude's clearly never played D&D.

    Anyway. He rolls the die again to determine what Simon's familiar is to be.


    A sprite. OK. (Incidentally, since he's rolling 3 six-sided die, that high a score should be impossible, but whatever).

    So where do we get a sprite?




    RIGHT. So we need to wait until night.



    This, ladies and gentlemen, leads us to THE MOST POINTLESS PUZZLE IN THE HISTORY OF ADVENTURE GAMES. I'm not kidding. This is the most blatant shoe-horning in of a puzzle I've ever seen in all my years of playing adventure games, and as soon as you see it, I'm almost positive you'll agree.


    So here's our room. It's upstairs in the inn. Simple enough, right?


    But of course, once we lie down on the bed, Simon starts sneezing.




    Of course you can't. See, I'd have used his robes as a makeshift pillow or something, but then I guess that's why I don't make video games, isn't it.

    So we have to go and find something to fill Simon's pillowcase.


    Now the obvious replacement is feathers of some sort. Unfortunately the only birds I've seen are ducks at the pond we can steal money from, and Simon won't take the feathers by hand.


    If we go down and talk to the barkeeper, we can now get our room cleaned, since we actually have one now. So we do that.

    The barkeep mentioned a vacuum cleaner. That'd be ideal for sucking up duck feathers. Let's go nick it.


    Oh. We can't go up that way while the maid's cleaning.

    Now what you're SUPPOSED to do is wedge open the fire exit using the cheese we got from the guy driving down the street, then enter from outside. But fuck that!


    Yep. Using the game's poor collision detection, we can actually crawl right under the barrier.



    There's the vacuum cleaner, right outside our room. Yoink!

    You can also go and try to talk to the maid, but...


    Heh. Love the HOM effect behind her (it's a bit hard to see in this shot, but it's VERY apparent in motion).


    ...and here's me doing what I SHOULD have done in the first place. We need to leave through the fire exit anyway (we can't crawl back under the barrier), so I might as well.

    Now, let's go vacuum me a duck.

    LP-C2-070_zps8a2d1a7b.png day, Simon will have to answer for his crimes.


    I will TREASURE that day. I will have it recorded so I can play it on a loop 24-7 on its own dedicated subscription-based TV.

    I will make MILLIONS.


    So we combine the feathers with the empty pillow case (where'd the polyester go? Ah, whatever, who cares) to get a new pillow that Simon can use.

    Because that was OH SO VERY worth the effort.


    Yes, because we wouldn't want Simon to be uncomfortable now, would we? Oh no.


    What racket?

    No, seriously. I genuinely can't hear anything. What's he talking about?

    The guy in the next room is snoring loudly, apparently (the game must be glitching again, because there's absolutely no sound effect to indicate this).

    WELCOME TO MY WORLD, ASSHOLE. I can hear my father snoring halfway across the house. I don't know how my mother puts up with, but by god, somehow she does, and SO WILL YOU.


    Oh, you're gonna make me stop him, aren't you.


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    "You're familiar is a sprite!" They didn't even bother to proofread the subtitles.

    Simon really needs to get his comeuppance more often. It'd be more tolerable to play as him if there was plenty of pain an humiliation in Simon's future to look forward to. Alas, there isn't. He just gets away with his horrible acts far too often.

  • Ha! The lack of my PC will not prevent me from subjecting you to the torment of Simon the Sorcerer 3D!

    Right. So we were going to stop the guy in the next room from snoring, right?

    Well, we can't get in through the door, so let's see if there's any other ways of getting in there.


    Hmm. I'm getting Broken Sword flashbacks.


    Now we could have climbed out here earlier, but the other window would have been closed, making it rather pointless.

    Although, that said, note that chimney on the left. That means we're right above the games room. Hmm.


    Right. Now to get the guy to stop snoring. Simon suggests some sort of cattle prod (which I'd rather use on HIM), but I like to think I'm a bit less of a heartless git, so we'll use the jack to roll him onto his side.


    And hey presto! Success. And nobody had to get hurt in the process!

    ...oh wait. The guy under the cart. We... we had to hurt him, didn't we.



    Well, at least Simon's happy, I guess.

    By the time Simon wakes up, it's night-time. So we have to head over to the same field we caught the butterflies in (*shudder*) in order to catch our sprite.

    But before we do that...


    ...we're gonna head down to the beer cellar of the inn. (We actually could have done this during the day, I just forgot to.)


    There's a bit of a block pushing puzzle here (ah! Broken Sword 3 flashbacks!), but it's not too difficult. I've actually gone the wrong way here, but it's the best view of the cellar, so there.

    After we make our way through, we get to...


    ...a beer tap. If we turn this, then it turns off the flow of sweet, sweet alcohol to the pumps at the bar.

    So that's what we do.

    Then we head back upstairs and talk to the vacuum cleaner salesman again:


    Good god, Simon's a douche, is he not?

    Anyway, at this, the man downs his drink and asks for another.


    So he goes down to sort it out. And while he's away...


    ...we use the kite to steal the bottle of whiskey. Remember we even had that kite? No? Good, because I didn't either.

    Anyway. Now armed with alcohol (despite Simon being a minor, apparently!), we head back out to catch us a sprite.


    Apparently the developers couldn't be bothered to remake BOTH maps at night, so our choice in available locations is limited somewhat. Not that it matters, since the only locations we need are the ones in green. Well, some of them. Meh.

    Let's get back to the butterfly field then, shall we?


    Oh. Well, this is gonna be easy, isn't it?




    Hey! Shut up!

    ...wait, who the heck are you? And where the hell did you come from?

    LP-C2-095_zps2525e2a4.png mean the shack from the first video I posted that had nothing in it? Huh. Well, let's go see what's going on there now.


    Yep, there they are. Can we actually get inside though?


    We can. Huzzah.

    Now. What follows is easily the funniest bit of the entire game. So much so that I made a video of it for all to enjoy.

    (Sorry about the Windows Movie Maker intro - I did the best I could with what I had)

    We then talk to the group and ask if we can have their sprite-in-a-lantern. They say no, since they're using it.

    However, they do ask us for a favour...


    Hmm. Well, if the 'dungeonmaster' happens to be taken suddenly ill, I guess the game would have to be abandoned... which would mean they wouldn't eed their lantern.

    So, we need to go to get a pizza. Lord knows how they're going to make this complicated.


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    "Knock has a sore wrist." "He's used to it, I'm sure." I'll admit, that got a slight chuckle out of me.

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