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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 10.1K users

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.


He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...


Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

Which he promptly does.

Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?


The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?


This... THING from Star Wars?


Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.


No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!



So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.


And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.


...I wish.

252 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

  • Simon is such a hipster. He invented YOLO before it was dumb.

  • @Secret Fawful said: The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

    I've kind of gotten used to the awful graphics by this point. Somehow.

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    @Secret Fawful said: The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

    Both goblins have the exact same face texture, but it's just stretched for the tall one to give it the illusion of being different. Lazy lazy lazy.

  • ...and we're back.

    So here's the pizza place.


    It's in between MucSwampys and the road where I met the cheese driver. I skipped over it earlier because it was closed, but since it's night now, it's open. So let's head on inside.


    Guess what THIS guy's voice sounds like.



    As an aside, there's a slight animation glitch with the guy's arms. They keep moving out slightly and then cutting back to his body. It's very distracting.

    Anyway. The guy says that in order to order a pizza, we need one of these:


    It's a Pizzarina. I guess that's meant to be a joke or something, but it took me so long to figure out what the joke actually was, it had long lost all comedy value.

    The dude explains that you use it to call him anywhere in the world, and he'll take your order, then deliver it to you. So my first thought was that it's like a phone.

    It's not.



    Which is handy, since each pizza costs 10,000 groats.


    I want to make fun of Simon, but to be honest, if I had that kind of money, I'd probably do the same thing.

    (Well, after paying off my student loans, anyway. Doubt I'd have much left afterwards though)

    So there you go. If we want a free pizza, we need to make sure it takes longer than a minute to reach us. Shouldn't be too hard, right?

    Might as well head back over to the hut and order us up a pizza.


    Wait a second...



    ...god, that was forced.


    So we can order our pizza. Please don't ask how the logistics of this works: I've absolutely no idea.

    Naturally, we order one with 'the works'. We need to get rid of the 'dungeonmaster', remember?

    See, now normally I'd have thought that'd be it, but then the game solves its own puzzle by asking us if we want anything else:


    So naturally, I select extra cheese. Why? Well, it'll hide the anchovies, won't it? Thanks for that, game!

    After telling him where we are, we then get a little cutscene showing the path the pizza takes in getting to us:


    And he's made it! With seconds to spare. Bah.

    Well, naturally we don't have the money (and never will - I wouldn't waste hours catching butterflies, even if my net weren't broken now), so he takes it back.

    Note that he had to get directions from the S.I.G.N. Hmm. How can we take that out of commision?

    ...yeah, you probably guessed, especially since I had to go out of my way to get the item we need in my previous post.


    This, naturally, gets the S.I.G.N. roaring drunk - and unable to give directions. So let's try the pizza thing again.


    Ha! And thus, the pizza is free. Now we go inside and give it to the guys...


    ...and so, we can have the sprite-in-a-lantern.

    I suspect this won't be the only time Simon will be exploiting someone's allergies.


  • @Darth Marsden said: ...and we're back.

    Am I the only one that thinks of Rifftrax when he reads that?

  • ...that's why I say it. :)

    EDIT: Actually, check that last picture again. One of the guys gas got Gygax written on his arm, while another has it written on his shirt. Jeez, could they not think of anything else to reference?

    Also: could I get a couple more posts in here so I can make my next update on a different page? Thanks.



  • @Darth Marsden said: Also: could I get a couple more posts in here so I can make my next update on a different page? Thanks.


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