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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 4.1K users

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

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The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

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This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.

RUNT.

He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...

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AHH! MY PARENTS LIED! THERE ARE MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET!!

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Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

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Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

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Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

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Which he promptly does.

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Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

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Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?

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The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

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This... THING from Star Wars?

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Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

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Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

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Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

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And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.

HOW DID SHE GET SIMON'S BODY OUT OF SORDID'S LAIR?

No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!

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...sorry.

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So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

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Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.

Jerks.

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And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

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Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.

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...I wish.

252 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • I've been sick all week, and there's been nothing like this thread to make me question whether or not my illness has made me delirious.

    Because really, a game this bad has to be a hallucination, right?

  • User Avatar Image
    Darth Marsden Moderator

    I'd put that down more to you playing Sonic Colours. Now THAT game's bad for your health.

  • I actually haven't played Sonic Colors. And I have to skip it and 2006 because I don't own them. They're just sitting in the list where I would play them if I did own them.

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    Darth Marsden Moderator

    Yeah, I meant HEROES. Oops.

  • Meh, it's not so bad until you slowly drive yourself insane trying to get more than two Chaos Emeralds. Certainly, it's not as bad as this Simon game. Of course, that does diminish the entertainment value of watching someone suffer through it.

  • Yeah, from what I've seen every version of Colors is GOOD. I liked Heroes when I was a kid, but seeing Guru play it, it's really bland and kind of ugly.

  • User Avatar Image
    Darth Marsden Moderator

    Let's... let's not talk about it. If we do, we'll have to discuss what comes after Sonic Heroes.

    And you don't want that. Oh god. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.



    Onwards to Chapter 5!

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    So we take the CD back to Calypso and he tells us what we need to do next, according to the prophesies of Nostramades.

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    Here's the prophecy in full:

    The King of Fools destroys them,
    Lady of Steel, Hero of Light,
    King of East and a Prince Brave.
    All must journey forth to prevent a great change.

    The King of Fools is clearly Simon :), but who are the other four?

    Well, Calypso whips out his magical scrying ball and shows us where to find them.

    (Calypso flat-out says he FORGOT to use it when we were searching for Swampy. GRR.)

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    The Lady of Steel is clearly Melissa Leg. The REAL one this time.

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    The Hero of Light is called Coneman the Barabrain (yeah, I know), and he's the guy who we crushed under a cart.

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    The King of the East is... well, it's the guy we killed by eating the Sacred Peach early.

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    And finally, the Prince Brave is Prince Charming, whom we got turned into a frog.

    So, basically, because Simon's been such a massive asswipe, he's gone and made his own life six times more complicated.

    Fan-fucking-tastic.

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    Great.

    So we've got to find the real Melissa Leg, get Coneman out from under the cart (and repair his broken back!), resurrect the Prince of the East and find some way of turning Prince Charming back into a human.

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    Inadvertently?

    INADVERTANTLY?

    ...

    ...excuse me while I go and scream at the top of my lungs while standing in the rain.

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    ...ah, that's better.

    Now. We need to ask Calypso about changing the Prince back and how to resurrect the King of the East.

    We'll ask about the Prince first.

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    He says that Princess Austin is in town - they're holding a tournament to find her a suitable... well, suitor.

    He then explains that he has a friend who can sneak us into the tournament. We'll find him at the side entrance at night.

    Right. That's that then. As for the King of the East?

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    OK. He gives us the soul jar he used in the opening cutscene and explains that in order to capture his soul, something valuable must be placed inside the jar to lure him in.

    We'll then need the body, and once we have the two, then Calypso will perform the joining ritual.

    OK then! We have ourselves a plan (and the King of the East gets an actual name - Jar Nin).

    We'll go grab Jar's body first, since I know where THAT is.

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    Uh... where'd it go?

    No, really. Where'd it go? No-one ever mentions it.

    Well, whoever moved him, they've left behind a rather expensive looking necklace. So let's try and grab that.

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    Nope, stuck. Must be why it got left behind.

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    What in the seven layers of hell? Is that tree talking to me?

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    Oh.

    It's worth pointing out that this particular woodworm talks like a terrorist. Infidel this and filthy son of a jackal that. It's rather reminiscent of stuff Osama bin Laden would say, and every bit as uncomfortable.

    Long story short - if we get them some weapons, they'll eat the tree so we can get at the necklace.

    Now, before we go ahead and track down the others, I just want to head back to Calypso quickly. See, I forgot to ask him what we're going to do once we've gotten the four warriors of light together.

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    *sigh*

    Is is worth asking what's still legible?

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    Oh PLEASE be Simon oh please oh please oh please.

    Now, I don't normally feature dialogue scenes taken straight from the game, but when we get conversations like this...

    ...well, you'll see where I'm going with this.

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    ...this is absolutely HILARIOUS in hindsight.

    In case you don't know, this game completely ruined AdventureSoft, and it's really no surprise as to why. Hell, this thread's 8 pages long - take your pick.

    But that wasn't the end for Simon, oh no. He had two more games - Chaos Happens and Who'd Even Want Contact?!, both made by Silver Style Entertainment.

    A German developer.

    ...

    I'm not even kidding.

    The series was fairly popular in Germany, so it's no surprise that a German developer would want to make more games in the series.

    From what I can tell, they're actually not that bad either. Certainly better than this piece of crap.

    So yeah, that's why that was so hilarious. AdventureSoft actually managed to unintentionally predict that the series would be continued in Germany.

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    Yes you do Simon. Yes you do.

  • User Avatar Image
    Syd

    That bit about Germany is hilarious. It's a bit sad when the funniest part of this game was a completely unintentional but eerily accurate prediction of the series' future.

    Edit: Now that I think about it, AdventureSoft might have already been pretty sure that Simon 3D was going to destroy them about partway through development, and they put that line in because that was the likely fate of the series after that.

  • Well technically Simon 3D was made by Headfirst Productions (formed by the Woodroffes) as Adventure Soft just became a publisher. It was their (Headfirst) 2nd game that bankrupted them, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth.

  • @corruptbiggins said: Well technically Simon 3D was made by Headfirst Productions (formed by the Woodroffes) as Adventure Soft just became a publisher. It was their (Headfirst) 2nd game that bankrupted them, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth.



    Good lord. That was such a bloody masterpiece compared to this tripe!

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