User Avatar Image

What will the dialogue sound like? Winners Announced!

posted by Strongsadioware on - last edited - Viewed by 4.6K users

This was a thread floating around before the original Poker Night released: guess and make-up some cool conversations the characters of Poker Night 2 might have. Want the TTG developers to insult your writing skills and laugh at your out-of-character writing? Post right here!

Also, as of April 3rd, the best Community Moderator to ever live, divisionten, is going to be handing out rewards to the best quips which are organized by category. The Best Overall will be rewarded with a copy of Poker Night 2! Any others that are really good for the other categories will be rewarded other Steam games. The deadline's April 15th, so make it snippy!

Remember, you've not only got the poker players, but you also have GLadOS and even the other folks at the Inventory (Moxxi, Max) at the ready. Speaking of GLadOS, let's start off:

GLadOS: This feels like the appropriate setting for a joke. May I?
Brock: Sure.
Ash: Shoot.
Sam: Alright.
Claptrap: You can do ANYTHING, my beautiful queen!
GLadOS: ...yes, well. A group of five poker players stroll into a speakeasy, and then they get hit with neurotoxin, which invades their lungs, and makes them unable to breathe, killing them. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
*awkward silence*
Claptrap: ...I don't get it.

115 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • Sam: (addressing Ash) You work in a convenience store?
    Ash: S-Mart is a department store. If you name it, we have it.
    Sam: Do you have any stilt walker costumes?
    Ash: No.

    (Gameplay continues for a few minutes until . . . )

    Sam: Do you have any temperature sensitive toy unicorns?
    Ash: No.

    (Some more time passes . . . )

    Sam: Do you have any incontinent sea snails?
    Ash: No.

    (A bit later . . . )

    Sam: Do you have demonic broth?
    Ash: No. Wait . . .
    Ash looks to the side contemplatively for a moment before finishing.
    Ash: I don't think so. There might be a recipe in the Book of the Dead, but it's really not worth the trouble.

    (A few more plays are made . . . )

    Sam: (smiling) Say, do you have any Bana-
    Ash, Brock and Claptrap: No!
    Sam looks disappointingly at the group and then sadly at the table while adjusting his tie.

  • @Unitzoid said: Sam: (addressing Ash) You work in a convenience store?
    Ash: S-Mart is a department store. If you name it, we have it.
    Sam: Do you have any stilt walker costumes?
    Ash: No.

    Sam: Do you have any top of the line twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington shotguns?
    Ash: NO! ...oh wait.

  • (Player is idle)
    Sam: Are you alright, buddy?
    Ash: It's starting to scare me...
    Claptrap: MAKE IT STOP PLEASE!
    GLadOs: The brainwave scanners reveal that our guest is dead.
    (Player makes his/her move)
    GLadOs: My bad. It seems that our guest never a had a brain in the first place.

    (Eliminating Ash)

    Ash: Well, it's been fun while it lasted. Now I will have to work at S-Mart for another hundred years to repay all the money I "borrowed".

    (Eliminating Claptrap)

    Claptrap: Well, it's been certainly interesting. But the worst of all is that I will miss you greatly, my love, my muse, my...
    GLadOs: If you finish that sentence I'll open your casing, take out your hard drive and place it inside a toaster, then throw you in a bathtub, repair you and then throw you again.

    (Eliminating Brock)
    Brock: Great, now I'll have to keep working as a babysitter for the rest of my life...

    (Eliminating Sam)
    Sam: I'll have to break some legs to earn back all the money I lost today. Or maybe I could finish that case of a bomb planted under a speeding bus that can't run slower than 80 mph.
    GLadOs: In other news, a bus just exploded in the highway after attempting to jump a gap due to a bomb strapped that would have exploded if the bus didn't go faster than 80 mph. It's hilarious.
    Sam: Alright then, time to start working (Takes out a baseball bat and leaves)

  • (Busting out Sam)
    Sam:Well looks like we're broke Max, time to go give fake parking tickets and abuse our freelance power to get money back.
    Max:Freelance power, the best kind of power!

  • I loved porker night 1 and I can't wait for this game. as soon as it comes out I am going to buy it asap!!!! So Far TellTale has been making great games. I miss old adventure and side games like this. Thanks to TellTale I can enjoy adventure games again. Poker night is just a awesome poker game. I hope they add multiplayer!!!

  • Sam : Nuts, I don't have the money. Anyone mind if I bet my trusty gun?
    Brock : Already have it.
    Sam : Oh. Well what about my license to maim?
    Claptrap : Got it!
    Sam : Max's severed head?
    Ash : Why exactly do YOU have that, bloodhound?

  • User Avatar Image
    divisionten Moderator

    Contest closes in 13.5 hours. Good luck!

  • (Another idea for busting out Claptrap)
    Claptrap:Well minions i know it will be hard seeing me go after we all became best friends during this......
    Max:Oh Sam let me take him home!!!! I need a new target for shooting practice!

    (Claptrap buying in with the mask)
    Claptrap:Sorry minions it looks like i don't got the money....Maybe our beautiful host will lend me some money......
    GLaDOS:You have a better chance of finding a brain inside yourself than me lending you money.
    Max:Buy in with yourself! I could use a new shooting practice target!
    Claptrap:How about i buy in with this? (Throws mask on the table)
    Ash:Are you serious?
    Sam:Well its a piece of paper
    Claptrap:Well its a very nice piece of paper
    GLaDOS:Fine whoever busts out this annoying excuse for a robot with some sort of brain gets the mask (and maybe use him for target practice)

  • SAM : Mr. Samson, I've been meaning to ask. What type of gun to you typically use when bashing a baddy?
    BROCK : Guns are for the distancely challenged. I would rather do the job with righty and lefty here.
    CLAPTRAP : How do you unlock those?
    BROCK : Try danglying buck naked by your pinky toes while dodging a stampede of stray bullets for three days while your personal trainer goes out for a pack of cigarettes. That unlocked my potential.
    SAM : Actually, I'd rather not try it.
    ASH : So... No boomstick?
    BROCK : If you wave that thing at me, I could give you a thorough prostate exam with your own mechanical finger. Seriously, when was the last time ANY of your guns did you ANY good?
    ASH : Well, duh... I...
    CLAPTRAP : Hmmmm...
    SAM : Errr... I tried to use it to open Harry Moleman's pickle jar so Stinky could use the juices to power Mama Bosco's robotic liger.
    BROCK : Uh-huh.
    SAM : ...But the pickle jar was bullet proof.
    BROCK : I could have opened that jar with my teeth.
    SAM : Incidentally, I had to pluck Superball's teeth to use as a blade for Skunkape's broken space can-opener in order to open the jar.
    ASH : A lot of that seems like a waste of time...
    SAM : Well, we needed the robotic liger to play Brutus in Mr. Featherly's production of "The Tragedy of Julius Caesar" before Brady Culture's third cousin could steal the entire city's laundry.
    BROCK : Good god, what do you do when you're not solving bizarre-o missions?!
    SAM : Pay for damages, mostly.

  • IMPORTANT NOTE AS OF APRIL 16th 2013: I already preordered Poker Night 2, so I waive the grand prize. I'd still love to win best overall anyway. Now for the rest of the post.


    There's free stuff at stake, and I see some of you have been putting up multiple posts whenever ideas come to you.

    So, in the interest of having a fairer shake and also making things harder for judging entirely for my petty amusement, I'm throwing my own stuff down one more time before the deadline. No organizations for what category goes where, I'm freestyling it. Free stuff shall not elude my grasp yet!

    I apologize if any of these seem similar to anything said prior, I haven't really had a look at the competition other than seeing how many times some people have posted.


    Sam: So, Mr. Samson, I heard you used to do government work.
    Brock: ...What are you getting at?
    Sam: Have you ever considered freelance work?
    Brock: I haven't.
    Sam: Well, Max seemed pleased with the performance of--
    Brock: Put a sock in it, Ol' Yeller.


    (Phone rings.)
    Sam: A call from the commissioner?
    (Sam reaches offscreen for the phone, somehow.)
    GLaDOS: The talking dog calls.
    Sam: Yes? That's right.
    Sam: Jumping gelatin of a genericized brand name jeering at a judge in a jeep, I'll get on it after this game!
    (Sam puts phone back.)
    Sam: Anyway, I--
    GLaDOS: You already called.
    Sam: ...Well, that sounds about right by me.
    (Sam puts in the chips.)


    (Claptrap's turn to play.)
    Claptrap: Hey, Ash, minion, lend me a hand here.
    Ash: How about not?
    Claptrap: No, I mean your help! This moment demands a one-liner!
    Ash: What, you got good cards?
    Claptrap: Irrelevant! Give me a one-liner for the entire table to remember me fondly by!
    Ash: Oh-kaaaay, how's about... uh, something like, uh, I'm an... awesome... cool guy. Like that, sorta.
    Claptrap: I'm an awesome cool guy!
    (Claptrap pushes his cards forward, folding.)
    Claptrap: Thanks, minion! That was perfect for the moment!
    Ash: Yeah, any time, little guy.


    GLaDOS: The stakes will now be your freedom, your life.
    Sam: Could we have that in mathematical numbers, ma'am?
    GLaDOS: Very well. The stakes are now 300, 600.


    Brock: Ash, look, we need to talk.
    Ash: Aw, what now, Brock?
    Brock: It's not me, it's Dr. Orpheus--
    Ash: Well, hell, necromancer, duh, Brock. It's not like--
    Brock: Look, whatever it is between you two, I don't want anything to do with it, but for the love of God will you please stop trying to burn down his study? He keeps breathing down my neck every time he sees me come here.
    Ash: Deadites, Brock, can't have 'em come eat us up.
    Brock *Groan*


    Claptrap: Minion! Smoking is hazardous to your health!
    (Brock is silent.)
    GLaDOS: Scientific fact. Your shrill, bleating noise that barely constitutes a voice has been proven to increase the risk of high blood pressure, dementia, and the odds of having no one to ever love you ever again.
    Claptrap: Sounds like he's got a long, happy life ahead of him!


    Max: Hey, Sam.
    Sam: What is it, little buddy?
    Max: You know I always appreciate our time together, but I must wonder if both of us being here is part of some great fear by unseen orchestrators that you simply cannot stand on your own merits alone at a poker table, and thus require my lovely presence.
    Sam: That was uncalled for.
    Max: As President, I always believed in striking first, verbally or physically!
    Brock: Don't remind me.


    Sam: So, Mr. Williams, I'm also here on Freelance Police business.
    Ash: Yeah, about what?
    Sam: Would you happen to know anything about a book that had never been returned back to the local library in the depths of Hell?
    Ash: No sir. None whatsoever.
    Sam: Penned by pure evil?
    Ash: Nope.
    Sam: Summoning great evils, that sort of thing?
    Ash: Nuh uh.
    Sam: Simply the among the nastiest, foulest tome ever to grace human understandings of literature doesn't ring a bell?
    Ash: All right already, I'll toss that copy of (INSERT CURRENT CULTURALLY DISLIKED PIECE OF LITERATURE HERE) into the fire after this. Sheesh.
    Sam: Another case wrapped up.


    Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
    (variable answers)
    Ash: Only at S-Mart, uh, if you like really dark red.
    Brock: I don't swing that way.
    Claptrap: The drapes are not as soaked with my tears of shame and loneliness!
    GLaDOS: Aperture Science is at the forefront of interior decoration in testing sites. Your remaining molecules will be indistinguishable in color, appearance, and feel to the testing chamber structures.
    (after all that)
    Sam: Well, that didn't work.
    (Sam folds.)


    I think that's all I got. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Add Comment