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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 8.5K users

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

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The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

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This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.

RUNT.

He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...

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AHH! MY PARENTS LIED! THERE ARE MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET!!

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Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

Intro05_zpsbea6581f.png
Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

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Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

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Which he promptly does.

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Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

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Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?

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The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

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This... THING from Star Wars?

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Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

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Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

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Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

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And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.

HOW DID SHE GET SIMON'S BODY OUT OF SORDID'S LAIR?

No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!

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...sorry.

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So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

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Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.

Jerks.

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And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

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Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.

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...I wish.

252 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • Yay! I'm glad that you're continuing this. You suffer so that we don't have to. Marsden, us humble forumites salute you.

  • ...and we're back. Crickey, two updates in one day? It's almost like I'm apologising or something!

    Up next on the list of heroes is Jar Nin, the guy we killed, so let's go resurrect the guy.

    This is a multi-part quest - we need to find his body (or, as it turns out, his ashes) and his soul, which has been lost somewhere since his death.

    If you recall, Calypso gave us the soul jar he used in the opening cutscene so we could find and contain Jar Nin's soul, and he also told us we needed something valuable to lure him into the jar.

    A brief reminder of what happened when we went to find his body under the tree:

    LP-C5-010_zpsaa76c9ed.png

    His body was gone, but there was a nice looking necklace underneath it.

    LP-C5-011_zps3094b7d2.png

    A necklace we couldn't get.

    LP-C5-012_zps0e40dc98.png

    Fortunately there were some terrorist woodworms who we struck a bargain with - we get them guns, they chew away the tree so we can grab the necklace.

    Well, we won some toy soldiers at the fair, so let's see if that'll do the job.

    LP-C5-106_zps5351588e.pngLP-C5-107_zps7546a2e8.png

    Yes. Robots. Let's... let's go with that.

    And their end of the bargain could be done with a standard image, but I'm feeling a little more animated than that.

    LP-C5-108_zps8e0bbb7e.gif

    Go Ninja! Gif Ninja! Go Ninja! Gif Ninja!

    LP-C5-109_zps89ed187e.png

    Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at ni-

    LP-C5-110_zps630e0aee.png

    ...

    LP-C5-111_zps48cc076a.png

    *cough*

    LP-C5-112_zps4ec4a3f2.png

    Oh jeez, now we've got the son wanting to avenge his fallen fath-

    LP-C5-113_zpsd4facaa8.png

    DAMMIT SIMON, STOP KILLING SENTIENT CREATURES!

    What is that now, 7? Yeah, seven. Time to change my sig again.

    LP-C5-114_zps8951a2b8.png

    You. Are. A. DOUCHE.

    Anyway, we grab the necklace and put it in the jar (somehow it fits, don't ask me how) and we're off to find his spirit.

    Time to head back to the inn. If you talk to the barman, he tells you that the inn has recently become haunted - sounds like our guy! Let's head upstairs and see if we can find him.

    LP-C5-115_zps005fd91d.png

    Squat diddle. Hmm.

    LP-C5-116_zpsa0cab5e6.png

    Wait a second - that voice has a terrible Japanese accent. That must be him! Let's try using the jar.

    LP-C5-117_zps093adcf6.pngLP-C5-118_zpsf1788b37.png

    Someone who didn't kill the guy in the first place.

    No, I'm never going to let that go.

    Anyway, now we need to find his body, and this, I'm ashamed to admit, had me stumped for the stupidest of reasons.

    You remember that church? Well, we're going back there. Or, rather, we're going round the back of it.

    LP-C5-119_zps403ab299.png

    See that door on the left there? Yeah, that's where we need to go.

    For the life of me though, I continously overlooked this door. I honestly cannot explain why. Maybe I'm just an idiot, I dunno. But there we go. I suck. Whoop-de-doo.

    Inside:

    LP-C5-120_zpsb25de91a.png

    It's full of memorial plaques.

    If you look closely you can make out a few of them. One says ELVIS, another says Feeble Files, a third says JFK...

    These might actually be faintly amusing if the textures weren't repeated a dozen times, meaning that everyone gets about 10 memorials.

    fail-dogfood.jpg

    Anyway. The plaque we're after is this one:

    LP-C5-121_zpsa3b575be.png

    This is Nin Jar's memorial plaque, and it's actually a map to where his remains are.

    LP-C5-122_zpsad0f5d91.png

    Like so.

    And I don't normally do this, but I have to bring up the delivery of this line by Simon's VA - it's absolutely awful. You know when you get a foreigner to speak an English line and they don't know how the pronounciation goes? He does EXACTLY that. The guy should be ashamed.

    Anyway. Now that we know where Nin Ja...

    Wait. It's actually Nin Jar, not Jar Nin?

    Oh, because he's a Ninja. That's really, really lame. No wonder my mind refused to call him that.

    Sorry. Right. So now that we know where Nin Jar's ashes are, we can fly there on our bird thing. So we do.

    LP-C5-123_zps516b3cf7.png

    And there are Nin Jar's ashes, just lying out in the open on a stone plinth.

    Where, y'know, a slight breeze could send them flying all over the place.

    Yeah, that sounds completely respectful.

    Whatever. Simon won't pick up the ashes with his bear hands, so we have to vacuum them up. I would show you a picture of Simon doingthis, but there's absolutely no animation for it - you use the vacuum cleaner on the ashes and BOOM, ashes are gone. Considering how long the game took to make I'm frankly amazed I could find them cutting corners, but that was just plain LAZY.

    But hey! We've got the soul and the ashes! What do we do with 'em?

    Well, we can't go back to the temple to resurrect him.

    Why, you may ask?

    LP-C5-124_zps3e226cf9.pngLP-C5-125_zpsd268116e.png

    Because Simon is a thieving, hateful waste of existance. THAT'S why.

    So we have to go all the way back to Calypso and give HIM the soul and the ashes so HE can resurrect Nin Jar.

    LP-C5-126_zpsc7ed2bcd.png

    Wait - so it IS Jar Nin? Jesus Christ, this... this shouldn't be that hard! Make up your freakin' mind, game! Is it Jar Nin or Nin Jar? I DON'T KNOW! This is incompetence of the highest magnitude! HOW DO YOU FUCK UP A CHARACTER'S NAME?

    Gah.. Who's left?

    - Coneman the Barabrain
    - Jar Nin/Nin Jar
    - Prince Valiant
    - The REAL Melissa Leg

    We'll do the Prince next time. Lord have mercy.

  • @Darth Marsden said: Simon won't pick up the ashes with his bear hands, so we have to vacuum them up.

    I think you mean block hands.

    Great to see you back at these though. :) Funny as always.

  • @flesk said: I think you mean block hands.

    Is it sad that characters hands look like they should be in Minecraft rather than a adventure game?

  • ...and we're back.

    Right. Let's restore the Prince. To do this, we need to have him be kissed by a Princess, and as you may recall, there's one at the festival where we needed to launch the fireworks *shudder*

    So let's go get treasonous.

    If we re-enter the door that led us to the fireworks *shudder* then we arrive at:

    LP-C5-127_zpsc9064c2e.png

    Only one of these tents is open, and if we crawl inside, guess who we find.

    LP-C5-128_zpsae3bae6c.png

    It's that chick with the lisp (and hamster).

    LP-C5-129_zps68031081.png

    Wait - who's Johnny?

    LP-C5-130_zps2efef306.png

    THAT'S Johnny, as evidenced by this poster on the wall, which is the only place we ever see anything at all related to this nightmare of a character. Just here. In this spot. Nowhere else.

    As a side note - this is the one and only time that First Person mode is needed.

    AND IT'S NOT EVEN REMOTELY CLEAR THAT YOU NEEDED TO USE IT TO SEE THE POSTER.

    enhanced-buzz-17456-1308765112-22.jpg

    So basically we need to make ourselves look like Johnny Lightnin.

    This is a three-part puzzle (because it's ALWAYS three). We need the hair, the glasses and the purple coat.

    Well, the purple thing's easy - we just use our fashion magic to turn our robes purple and BOOM. Done.

    The glasses are easy as well - they were our prize from the arcade machine at the fair.

    As for the hair... well, this one's both obvious and incredibly obtuse (somehow).

    See this?

    LP-C5-131_zpsb45993dc.png

    Yeah, it's a laundromat. And it's not open during the day. Hell, even at night it's hard to tell you can go in there now since it's kind of out of the way and very easy to run past without noticing.

    So, naturally, we NEED to go in here.

    LP-C5-132_zps8f1aa7c8.png

    SEXIST. We can add 'Sexist' to the insults we can lob at Simon. Blimey, that list's going to implode in on itself soon.

    Anyway. You remember when we went to the Wig Lady and swapped our cotten candy (THAT I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO EAT) for some silly blonde wig?

    LP-C5-133_zps60971485.png

    And you remember that black t-shirt we won from the Strength Test?

    LP-C5-134_zps84ac93ed.png

    End result:

    LP-C5-135_zpsba779fee.png

    One black wig. Perfect.

    We now have all we need to impersonate Johnny Lightnin. BACK TO THE PRINCESS!

    LP-C5-136_zps0fd54c0c.png

    Um. Yeah. That's... that's perfect. Let's just hope she's still half asleep.

    LP-C5-137_zps751aacdf.png

    Phew.

    LP-C5-138_zpsf2f90a33.png

    Right. Time to REALLY commit treason.

    LP-C5-139_zpsbfe3781a.png

    Is this beastiality or just simple treason? God, I really have completely lost track of just how illegal this is.

    LP-C5-140_zps7594baf5.png

    She actually does scream, by the way, so that should really say AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! But no. Instead we get SCREAM. The subtitles suck, they really do.

    Anyway, she took unwillingly kissing a frog somewhat better than I expected.

    LP-C5-142_zps0659e79c.png
    LP-C5-141_zps2d78c4cb.png

    ...sort of.

    LP-C5-143_zpsf85d2749.png

    I genuinely don't know - I really need to get up to date on my legal terms! Treason's the only one I know for certain, but I have no idea what you call it when you force someone to commit beastiality - Abuse? Animal cruelty? Both? God, the ethical quandries this game has made me explore really are mind blowin-

    arrow-to-the-eye_zpsde7e1622.gif

    ...


    ...and the worst part is that Simon didn't do it, so I can't add it to his kill count. God dammit, I had good money on him making double digits.

    LP-C5-145_zps9aa6f6f8.png
    LP-C5-146_zpsb09c3ef0.png

    Well, at least Prince Valiant is back to normal. Best let him know what's going on.

    LP-C5-147_zps499a2293.png

    Right, well he's on board. Three down, one to go.

    Coneman the Barabrain
    Jar Nin/Nin Jar
    Prince Valiant
    The REAL Melisss Leg

    Now tracking down Melissa is an absolute pain in the arse because it requires us to a variety of things that don't seem to make any sense whatsoever, so we'll tackle that next time.

  • I think that one just falls under the crime of romance fraud.

    (Mostly posting this to see if we can get to the next page - it's starting to get slow to load again.)

  • Is romance fraud even a thing? I'll have to look that up.

    ...

    Romance SCAM. That'll do nicely.

  • Wait, I think I missed something. Who died there?

  • The wizard with an arrow in his eye. Insert Knightmare "ooooo, nasty" joke here.

  • @Darth Marsden said: The wizard with an arrow in his eye. Insert Knightmare "ooooo, nasty" joke here.

    Oh, shit, I totally missed that it was an arrow in his eye. With the shit graphics, I thought he was holding something in his right hand.

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