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Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

posted by St_Eddie on - last edited - Viewed by 11.6K users

Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

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I first purchased this game as a 13 year old kid, back in 1995. Although I have completed it a couple of times, it's been many years since I last did so. Therefore, replaying this game is sure to feel rather fresh.

The only other thing I want to say before we begin is that I genuinely enjoy playing this game and have very fond memories of it. I only say this because the tone of this let's play will be fairly humorous and at times, playfully mocking but I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was slagging off the game.

Without further adieu, let's get started...

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The game certainly doesn't try to break convention as we start on a cut-scene; where we find our smart mouthed hero, Joe King (it's best to get used to the cringe inducing puns in this game), pilot for hire, tied up in a warehouse with his date.

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The reason they are tied up is because the lady is the girlfriend of a walking cliché of a mob boss. He found out about his girl's infidelity and was none too pleased to say the least. Also, it's interesting to see that Prince has an uncredited cameo as the gangster on the right!

princek.jpg"You Dirty Rat!"

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The gangster has avoided common sense by failing to shoot them (well actually common sense would be filing for divorce but gangsters are prone to becoming a bit grumpy) and has instead rigged up a bomb to explode. It looks like curtains for our dating couple and the tension is palpable. Of course this is still the opening cinematic, so we know that Joe will be okay.

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Our saving grace comes in the form a very ungraceful entrance. Standing in a bathtub (for some inexplicable reason) is our good pal, Sparky; who enters by crashing through the roof.

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The warehouse explodes moments after we make our escape, with the mob boss still inside. You'd think that he would have vacated the premises considering he set the bomb to go off but I've come to the conclusion that he probably suffers from short term memory loss.

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Rather than taking a much deserved day off work, Joe is more concerned with collecting his latest paying passenger; the famous movie star, Faye Russel. You certainly couldn't say that he's not dedicated to his job.

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However, once we arrive at the venue where Faye is staying we find Anderson standing in her dressing room. Everyone has an arch-nemesis; David has Goliath, Holmes has Moriarty, Wile E. Coyote has Road Runner and Joe has Anderson (a rival pilot for hire).

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Anderson explains that he intends to steal Faye away from us, as his own passenger. He then locks the door (which is made of solid steal... um, why?!), thus trapping us in the room.

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And so the true adventure begins. Currently Joe is carrying his diary (used to save and load games) and a baseball bat. I'm not sure as to why Joe carries a bat with him. Maybe he's prone to a spot of impromptu baseball!

spinaltap.png"Nah, I carry this partly out of... I don't know. What's the word?"
"Affectation?"
"Right."

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I decide that the bat may be put to good use by smashing the window to the right but Joe informs me that it's made of bullet-proof glass! This is getting ridiculous, why in tarnation does Faye Russel need a solid steal door and a bullet-proof glass window?! Is she a high priority target for the assassins of the world? I can only assume that she's received death threats from an obsessed fan (the same kind that I regularly send to Charlize Theron).

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Seeming as I can't break the window, perhaps I can shout to my pal Sparky for help, who's stood outside reading his favourite comic, 'Commander Rocket'. My attempts to gain his attention are fruitless however because the glass is not only bullet-proof but also sound-proof (but of course).

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All is not lost however as upon picking up some sheets strewn across the floor, I discover a laundry shoot. Now call me over-zealous when it comes to health and safety if you like, but isn't a GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN THE GROUND just a tad dangerous?! Never-mind, at least it's an escape route.

I knot the two sheets together, tie them to the nearby radiator and descend the chute.

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Wwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

... hold on! If I'm simply sliding down the chute, then why in blazes did I need to tie together those sheets?! Ho hum, a slide's always fun so I'm not going to complain.

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Being the sex crazed (and starved) maniac that I am, the first thing that I'm interested in investigating are these novelty boobies (heh heh... boobies)! I pick up a pair (they might come in handy on a cold, lonely winters night) and admire the unbeatable craftsmanship...

blackadderbreasts.png"Unbeatable? Au contraire."

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Anywayyyyyy... I take the stairs up to the lobby but unfortunately my escape route is being guarded by a couple more gangsters. I immediately spy a rather handy key on the bell boy's desk and attempt to pick it up. Naturally, the staff is not going to let that happen so I talk to him and exhaust all of the dialogue options but to no avail.

I also try to press the bell on the desk but it cannot be achieved, which is a shame because I love to ring the desk bell multiple times in adventure games when the assistant is already standing there. It usually winds them up to no end! You've missed a trick here, developers.

It's worth pointing out that the bell boy's voice sounds like a cross between these two...

kermitthefrog.gifKermit the Frog (anthropomorphised frog thing)

beeknariz.pngBeek Nariz (the elephant man's uglier brother)

... You'd think that the manager of the venue would want to have someone with a slightly less ludicrous voice manning the front desk but clearly the manager is an equal opportunities employer, so I'm not going to berate him for being a nice chap.

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Feeling as though I'm now out of options, I attempt to sneak past the gangsters but they spot me. The short one sounds just like Marlon Brando and the tall one looks like David Prowse in 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' (as evidenced at 2:15 in this clip). Therefore, I shall henceforth refer to them as Brando & Prowse.

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Brando & Prowse lock me back in Faye's room and... remove my clothes. They claim that this might discourage me from attempting to escape again but quite frankly, I have my suspicions that they're just a couple of horny perverts!

I then spend the next 10 minutes wondering back and forth between the different areas, absolutely clueless as to what I need to do next. Out of desperation, I try interacting with every object in every logical way possible... still no luck.

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Then I try talking to the bell boy again, only to find a new dialogue option. It turns out that you have to look at the key before this option will appear! Grr... bloody adventure games!

Anyway, now that I have the key to the dressing room; I head on down there...

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... to be confronted by Joe's ex-girlfriend, Lola. She's awful mad at Joe for dumping her and the two have a humorous back and forth.

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Lola hops in to the shower and conveniently has her private areas covered by patches of steam on the glass (how very 'Austin Powers'). Lola agrees to help us escape if we retrieve a towel for her (I guess she's rather easily pleased). Luckily, I have one to hand and Lola soon explains her plan to us.

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The plan is to dress me Joe up in ladies clothing, so that I can pass the gangsters upstairs unnoticed. Joe attaches the boobies (heh heh... boobies), puts on a wig found in Faye's room and slips on the dress.

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A 'Maniac Mansion' style cut-scene is triggered...

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... in which we are introduced to a quite clearly insane Doctor named Ironstein (I did warn you about the awful puns). However, for the purposes of this let's play, I shall call him Dr. Fruitloop.

Speaking to his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop explains his retarded genius master plan to turn Amazonian women into dinosaur people. I'm sure it's a dream we've all had at some point or another, right alongside world peace and sleeping with Charlize Theron.

In order to show the process of the transformation to the player his lackey, Dr. Fruitloop fires up the machine...

52353240.jpgreddwarfdna.jpg"Transmogrification process initiated."
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I couldn't help but notice that the sound that the machine makes is the same iconic sound effect made by the opening of doors in 'Doom'. Tsk tsk, developers!

Dr. Fruitloop then explains that he will now activate the 'Aggression Enhancer'...
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... but he's clearly not left the beta stage of development yet!

Sadly for Dr. Fruitloop (but thankfully for the women of the Amazon) he's run out of test subjects. Unfortunately that's not going to stop an ambitious young ancient go-getter like Dr. Fruitloop though...

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Seriously, this guy's so corny that I'm surprised the developers didn't have him cackle in an evil manner...

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... oh, they did.

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The cut-scene has finished and we return to Joe Joanne, as we prepare to exit the hotel. We succeed and Sparky drives us away but the goons do a double-take and realise that was no lady!

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Marlon & Prowse give chase and open fire at Joe. Because this is an adventure game, they're shots are less on target than a blind Stormtrooper's.

stormtroopero.jpg"Hey! I'd totally blow your head off for that remark... if I wasn't such a rubbish shot!"

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Luckily there's a canister of oil on the back of the truck, so I chuck it at the car and it's "adios amigos". That just leaves one thing; for Joe to make a Schwarzenegger-esque quip...

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Pure poetry!

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We catch up with Anderson (the cad!) just as he's about to fly away with Faye using our plane (the extra-double-bastard cad).

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Joe uses his subtle negotiation skills to... punch Anderson out cold. Sparky then appears to join us on our flight.

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Nuts! Our plane has been hit by lightning and it looks like we're going down...

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Hmm, I sense the beginning of a familiar relationship ...

templeofdoom.jpgWell, that's it for Part 1.

165 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • @Alcoremortis said: I don't know if this is a real question or not as I'm kinda falling asleep, but it was for Dr. King Shultz in Django. He just got it.

    It wasn't a real question, but the guy's seriously talented. Pretty amazing that he's got trader Bob on his CV.

    @Alcoremortis said: I'm still in shock considering that flesk knew who Horst Tappert was. I mean, I barely do.

    Derrick used to be really popular in Norway. In fact it's still broadcast on NRK, the government-owned Norwegian TV channel. Horst Tappert also used to figure a lot on the front of celebrity magazines, since he liked to spend his summers here. Plus, we often watched episodes of Derrick in class when I studied German.

  • Sorry. As I said, half asleep. Makes it harder for me to detect levity and facetiousness.

  • User Avatar Image
    Vainamoinen Moderator

    Hey! I know one of these words!

  • Well, then you probably know both of them, because they're a pleonasm. Kinda.

  • Ha, I can see exactly what's wrong with that ad! The word "whose" should be "who's".

  • Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
    Part 7: 'Dedicated to Klunk'

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    With the sound of the alarm bell still blaring away in the background, we rejoin our antagonist protagonist Joe and his female companion, Princess Azura, who is seemingly protecting herself by holding on to a semi-peeled banana.

    xxte.jpg“Make one false move and I’ll fill your ass with potassium, punk.”

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    Because I don’t find the idea of trying to fend off heavily armed guards with a banana particularly apPEELing, I attempt to SPLIT by figuring out the door code (sorry).

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    Actually, I think that you’ll find that this is an adventure game and therefore we have all the time in the world! None the less, I change tack by trying something else…

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    I decide to try hiding behind the two lederhosen clad mannequins.

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    Joe explains that he’ll demonstrate my master plan to Azura…

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    … by first switching off the lights! “Why?” you may ask; because the developers couldn’t be bothered to animate the characters jumping behind the mannequins because Joe has a real flare for showmanship.

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    A guard turns up and switches the light back on but thankfully Joe and Azura have managed to hide behind the mannequins in time. You may notice that their heads are glitching through the mannequins!

    48317034.jpgujiu.jpgShhhhhhhhh! Shut up, you little brats. Less I give you a performance of Punch & Judy, sans the Judy.” Hush now, you adorable little urchins.

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    Azura nearly gives away our position by sneezing. Although, I would have thought that their bodies being hideously melded onto the mannequins would have been the more obvious give away!

    yviy.jpgThis is why you should never meddle with science, kids. Remember, Jeff Goldblum died for our sins.

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    And I’m beginning to imagine that the developers were high on crack when they lazily put this game together!

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    The guard walks past the two abominations against nature and exits the building.

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    …Said the glitching freak.

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    I enquire as to whether Azura saw the code being entered from her vantage point.

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    Ah, nuts! Maybe we could…

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    Oh! Go on…

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    Hmm hmm…

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    Uh-huh…

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    Riiiigggghhhht. Not bad for someone who “didn’t have a clear view of what the guard was doing”! Oh well, I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and so I go on over to the door to enter the code.

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    Obvious statement is obvious. However, before leaving I grab the pencil from the desk.

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    Okey dokey, I’m right behind you…

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    Um, what are you babbling about, Joe? How in the name of Satan’s arse-hairs is that a good stratagem?

    Whatever, I grow weary of losing my rag with the walking splatter of monkey puke that is Joe and figure that this is the developer’s none too subtle way of letting me know that I still have unfinished business at Floda Inc to attend to.

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    I use the tin opener on the can of dog food and hand it over to the mutt in an attempt appease him. It doesn’t work! That’s odd, you’d have thought that the dog food would be useful for getting past, ya know… a dog.

    Ho hum, I guess that there must be another pooch further on in the game that requires placating.

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    For now, I do the next best thing and offer the dog the squeaky toy that I picked up earlier. This works. Yays!

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    Entering the previously guarded shed, I realise that I’ve actually entered the TARDIS I come across a storage room containing a box that’s sealed up with a padlock and chains. Hold on! This room looks awfully familiar…

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    I knew it! The screengrab above is from the room that we came across inside Dr. Fruitloop’s underground base and this…

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    …is the room that we’re in now.

    Clearly the developers have cut corners by reusing the same background and made a rather pathetic attempt to differentiate the rooms by moving some crates in the lower right hand corner; which actually screws up the perspective of the walkway because the right-hand girder should be in the foreground (the same as the left-hand one is). Dr. Fruitloop is a shrewd business man and had his construction workers build in an efficient manner by working from the same floor plans for various areas. He also has a thing for skewiff angles.

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    I re-enter the building and (eventually) come across a guard eating some chicken. Upon trying to enter the nearby door; the guard stops me. Joe initiates a conversation with him…

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    The guard explains exactly why he is a tough guy.

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    Thanks for telling me, game developers Mr. Guard. Not that you needed to; it’s a pretty bloody obvious puzzle, considering that I picked up a vial of ‘Anti-Super-Soldier-Serum’ earlier on.

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    Joe proceeds to laugh in the face of danger. One day I hope to be as obnoxiously ignorant brave as him.

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    The guard invites Joe to punch him in order to show just how strong he is and what a puny runt Joe is.

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    Joe takes his best shot and only ends up hurting his hand in the process. The guard is right to laugh. In fact, I’m laughing too! Serves you right, you wank-bank lug head.

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    Oh. God. Yes.

    56915686.jpg31779817.jpg51436921.jpgo99p.jpg♫'ODE TO JOY'♫

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    Unfortunately (and I can’t emphasize that word enough) Joe is okay and gets back up.

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    After reloading my game and watching the glorious ‘Joe gets what’s coming to him’ sequence several times over, I eventually try to give the ‘Anti-Super-Soldier-Serum’ to the guard but to no avail. Hmm.

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    Talking to the guard again reveals this clunky line of dialogue. Could it be? No, it couldn’t! There’s no way that the developers are going to do what I think they’re going to do, is there?

    USE SERUM ON DOG FOOD. GIVE DOG FOOD TO GUARD…

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    Oh, fuck right off! Why dog food? Surely the Cheeze Bitz would have made more sense?! Why would a human being eat dog food? This is fucking bullshit! Fuck you, game.

    I strongly suspect that the following conversation took place at Warner Interactive during the game’s development…

    DEVELOPER 1: “Hey, I’ve drawn a sprite for some dog food and programmed it into the game as a usable object.”

    DEVELOPER 2: “Huh, why?”

    DEVELOPER 1: “What do you mean “why?” For getting past the dog guarding the shed at Floda Inc of course!”

    DEVELOPER 2:
    “But I created a squeaky toy sprite for that exact purpose. I’ve programmed the whole puzzle and everything!”

    DEVELOPER 1: “Well, shit nuggets! I was up all night on crack drawing that dog food sprite. I don’t want it to go to waste!”

    DEVELOPER 2: “Wait! You’ve got some crack?! Can I have some?”

    DEVELOPER 1: “Sure thing, man. What about the dog food sprite though?”

    DEVELOPER 2: “Fuck it. Just use it to solve the puzzle of getting past the guard in Dr. Ironstein’s underground lab. Now about that crack…”

    DEVELOPER 1: “Yeah but why would a guard eat dog food?”

    DEVELOPER 2: “I dunno. Just make out like he loves food or something. Draw a chicken leg in his hand and have him say “I like eating”.

    DEVELOPER 1: “It’s as good as done. Let’s go get high.”

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    Anyway, the guard eats the dog food (*sigh*) and to show the effects of the serum, his head momentarily shrinks.

    1ic6.jpg“Hey, did you get duped into eating laced dog food too?"

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    With the serum ingested within the guard, I provoke him again.

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    Shit, count yourself lucky. I’m way past the “beginning” stage!

    86325975.jpg46646041.jpgf2d5.jpgPlease don’t let the serum work.
    Please don’t let the serum work.
    Please don’t let the serum work.

    61225482.jpgs8w.gif*DRUMROLL*

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    I can assure you that I’m not laughing, you great bollocks. I wanted to see you get beaten to within an inch of your sorry, miserable life and instead I’ve witnessed you knocking out my favourite character in the history of fiction (and non-fiction).

    I hereby dedicate this 'let's play' to Klunk, the noble guardsman. The man who did do the world a great favour by striking down the foul demon that stood before him; the rapist of women, the purveyor of smut; obnoxiousness its very self personified. I raise my chicken leg to Klunk the Magnificent and say this; you’ll forever be a ‘Super-Soldier’ to me.

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    Leaving my poor hero behind, I enter the previously guarded door and find myself in Dr. Fruitloop’s office.

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    Tell me, do the words “pot”, “kettle” and “black” mean anything to you, Joe?

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    Looking at a pad on Dr. Fruitloop’s desk reveals that a previously written note has left it’s indentation on the now currently top page. This calls for a quick rub with the pencil I took from the reception desk methinks…

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    Ah-ha, Bingo! Before moving on I open the desk drawer and find another notepad and use the pencil on it…

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    Now that I have a little bit too much information about what Dr. Fruitloop likes to get up to in his free time; I exit the room but not before whipping out my graffiti canister...

    r6sg.jpg*Innocent whistle*

    I kind of like turning this game into a graffiti sim. It helps me to relieve my frustrations with the game. It's a bit like playing 'Jet Set Radio'... only shit.

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    I return to the safe with the combination in hand and open her up…

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    Check and check.
    Can’t think of anything funny to say about this and should just move on?
    Check and check.

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    I make my way all the way back to the TARDIS shed and use the key on the padlock. I’m sure that there’s a very good explanation as to why Joe couldn’t just circumnavigate the padlock and chains by ripping through the box (that’s clearly made of cardboard) with his bare hands. Yes, a very good reason indeed. For example, it could be that…uh…

    …um

    Oh.

    43242138.jpgudsl.jpg28624659.jpgtdxi.jpgBecause only the genius of Bruce Campbell can do justice to the feelings of insanity that this game is driving me to right now.

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    As I make my way back to the temple, I pray to the heavens that I come across a fuel canister before this game reaches its conclusion. Upon my arrival at the temple, I’m greeted by Princess Azura.

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    Azura tells me that she wishes to offer a gift in exchange for rescuing her. This had better be a fucking fuel canister, that’s all I can say. However, I know that’s it’s fool hardy to get my hopes up at this point.

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    Well, one thing that it’s almost certainly not is a fuel canister.

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    Quelle surprise.

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    A bit like me. Except that I make the sound of a depressed hermit crab, rocking back and forth in a hammock on a stormy winter’s night. It’s little wonder that I can’t keep a girlfriend. I digress…

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    How lovely to know. Would you like to know where it’ll be passed on to next? The nearest incinerator, that’s where.

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    Suddenly, Dr. Fruitloop turns up.

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    Great! Even an old man with a cane can keep up pace with you, Joe; you fucking waste of organic matter. Oh well, at least even you should be able to take on a single, unarmed, feeble old man. I mean, it’s not like he has the place surrounded by armed guards or anything.

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    …Ah.

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    What is it, grandpa? Have you been having your funny dream about dinosaur women again? Would you like me to nip down to the pharmacy to pick up your meds?

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    Oy vey! Always with the crystal skulls this guy is.

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    And I’d like to own a diamond encrusted cod piece but we don’t always get what we want.

    sxrc.jpgIf anyone wants to buy me a Christmas gift this year… just saying.

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    I’m in shock! Joe’s asking a question that I’d actually like to know the answer to. I guess he’s not that bad after-all.

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    Ha! Sorry to disappoint you, Doc but none of these women are actually friends in relation to Joe. One’s a rape victim and the rest are potential rape victims.

    Joe’s finally rescued the Princess and now must get back to his one true mission; getting away from these freaks and out of this God forsaken jungle. I must also press on with my own mission; to finish this game as quickly as possible, so that I can do something more constructive and less agonising with my time, like dipping my balls in sulfuric acid.

    What I absolutely don't have time for is gallivanting off in search of crystal skulls for this old fart!

    676l.jpgThis seems like a bucket of pure, crystal clear, ice cold water to a man dying of thirst right now.

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    I couldn’t give a hoot. You can turn her into a fucking meatloaf for all I care.

    3we6.jpgNo! Not that kind of meatloaf.

    oem4.jpgThere, that’s… better?

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    Yeah, let’s skedaddle, fix the plane and vamoose.

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    Woah! What are you doing, Joe? Who cares?! Have you just completely forgotten about your pal Sparky and Faye? Okay he’s an overgrown baby and she’s a stuck-up Charlize Theron impostor but still, I think that they should be taking priority right now!

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    Oh please. How gullible do you think I am?

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    You remember when I said that you’re “not that bad after-all”, Joe? Yeah, well forget it! Not only are you “that bad” but you are in fact even worse. You’re the very definition of bad. When Michael Jackson sang the lyrics “who’s bad”, the answer was “Joe King”. You fug nuggin’ guber!

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    Oh, so we’re done with the tired old ‘Star Wars’ references and have now moved on to the tired old ‘’Terminator’ references, huh? What’s next?! Tired old references to ‘The Big Lewbowski’?! Yeesh!

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    I reluctantly make my way through the jungle and on to a clearing where I find a ferry that can take me to Sloth Island. I approach the ferryman, interrupting him from fishing and initiate a conversation…

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    I’m genuinely surprised that t

  • Glorious as always. It's a good day for Let's Plays.

  • Please promise to try and find a way to kill off Joe.

    Or I'll write a fanfiction where he dies an ignominious death.

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