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Joke Thread

posted by Noname215 on - last edited - Viewed by 1.4K users

On these forums, we’re all comedians, so I figured we could have a thread where we share jokes.

I’ll start.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s that there for?” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!"

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  • @Noname215 said: A ship is sailing the oceans. A pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain says "Men, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate fetches the shirt and the captain successfully leads an attack on the pirates that sinks their ship. One of the sailors asked the captain "Why do you wear a red shirt in battle?" The captain responded "because if I am wounded, you will not see blood and will continue to fight as if nothing is amiss." The crew was astounded at the bravery of the captain. Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked to the captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much strength. The captain looked at the horizon and said, "Men, bring me my brown pants!"

    to which his first mate said: you can borrow mine...

    the battle was fierce, the captain survived barely, his crew was decimated but out of the survivors a young boy who was the look out searched among the bodies and till he found the captain and asked him why everyone else was wearing a red shirt and why were they all leaking...

  • It's generally not a good idea to try and continue someone else's joke.

    A man, having had a few, decides to try his luck with a woman at the bar. He walks up to her and says "If I saw you naked, I would die happy."

    She looks back at him and in a very matter of fact voice replies "If I saw you naked, I would die laughing".

  • An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.” She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.” The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

  • If you're going to post old IT jokes, they're not complete without:

    Q: Why do computer scientists always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

    A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC

  • Took me a moment, but I actually got that one. And I'm not even a computer scientist!

  • Don't you see? I AM a joke! HAHAHAHAHAHA... okay. Well, in the interests of providing some jokes for this joke thread...

    ~~

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

  • One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

    The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" “No." said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

    The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"

  • A duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

    Bartender says, "No."

    The duck leaves. Five minutes later the duck walks back into the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

    Bartender snorts and irritation and says, "Just like last time, no. We do not have any grapes."

    The duck leaves. Again, five minutes later the duck walks back into the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

    The bartender, now profoundly irritated, says, "For the last time, NO! And if you ask me again, I'm going to nail your fucking feet to the floor!"

    The duck walks out of the bar. A minute later he walks back in and asks, "Do you have any nails?"

    The bartender sighs and responds, mystified, "No...?"

    The duck perks up and replies, "Great! Soooo... do you have any grapes?"

  • @Alcoremortis said: A duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

    Bartender says, "No."

    The duck leaves. Five minutes later the duck walks back into the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

    Bartender snorts and irritation and says, "Just like last time, no. We do not have any grapes."

    The duck leaves. Again, five minutes later the duck walks back into the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

    The bartender, now profoundly irritated, says, "For the last time, NO! And if you ask me again, I'm going to nail your fucking feet to the floor!"

    The duck walks out of the bar. A minute later he walks back in and asks, "Do you have any nails?"

    The bartender sighs and responds, mystified, "No...?"

    The duck perks up and replies, "Great! Soooo... do you have any grapes?"

    I don't know if you have seen this video, or if that is a real joke, the video is made over
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

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