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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 8.5K users

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

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The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

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This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.

RUNT.

He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...

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AHH! MY PARENTS LIED! THERE ARE MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET!!

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Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

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Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

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Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

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Which he promptly does.

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Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

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Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?

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The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

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This... THING from Star Wars?

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Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

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Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

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Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

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And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.

HOW DID SHE GET SIMON'S BODY OUT OF SORDID'S LAIR?

No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!

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...sorry.

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So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

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Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.

Jerks.

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And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

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Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.

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...I wish.

252 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • Oh, and a new page for it too. Much obliged, good sir.

  • ...and we're back (finally).

    So Coneman'd been turned into a bird of some kind.

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    Sucks to be him, I guess.

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    Why, what are you gonna do - pull out a lightsaber or something? Pfft.

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    Oh, you worthless little gobshite. You really can't do ANYTHING, can you?

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    See? You see what you did? Now we've got to deal with HIM, of all people.

    Go on then, let's see what happens.

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    I...

    ...I was joking!

    ...really, I was just kidding! You didn't have to actually DO IT!

    GAAAAAAH!

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    ...you're not.

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    ...you ARE.

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    Fuck. You. All.

    No, seriously. Was that supposed to be funny? 'cause it wasn't. Not even remotely.

    This is what things have descended to, folks. A recycling of the "why won't the hose work?" gag, one of the oldest in physical comedy that has never, EVER, been funny.

    Only now it's with lightsabers.

    In a fantasy game.

    ...

    I need to go and have a little cry in the corner somewhere. Bear with me a moment.

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    OK, OK, I'm good.

    *sniff*

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    Yes, thank you for pointing out the 'OLD' part.

    BECAUSE IT WAS.

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    Bit hard to tell, but that'd be the stupid, STUPID idiot fading away.

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    Oh wonderful. Now we've got to deal with this nonsense as well.

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    And he's flinging magic at us as well, how nice.

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    Nothing.

    Yeah, remember that magic colour-based projectile puzzle we dealt with coming up the stairs?

    ...guess what we have to do again.

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    Yes, thanks for spelling it out, numbnuts. Like we couldn't figure it out on our own, with our brains.

    Actually our brains are probably dribbling out of our ears at this point, so maybe a little handholding IS in order.

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    Funny, that.

    Now do you see those buttons right behind Simon?

    The ones that are all different colours?

    Can you guess what we do with those?

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    Yep.

    And we get to do this...

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    ...seven...

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    ...times...

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    ...in...

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    ...total.

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    Oh noes! I guess I'd better stop doing this:

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    ...hadn't I?

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    Back in the red. Hey ho.

    Odd how Runt has been kind enough to always shoot those bolts in the exact colours I need, isn't it?

    I mean, if he REALLY wanted us to stop overloading the power, he could just keeping shooting us in the one colour so that we could only activate one of the seven crystals, but no, he goes through the entire spectrum of colours and just lets us do this.

    Damned decent of him, really.

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    But enough of this analysing nonsense, let's just blow this sucker.

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    Well, that's spectacularly underwhelming.

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    ...and I'm supposed to care how, exactly?

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    Well how in the hell does that work? And why do I care?

    Oh, wait, I don't. Carry on then.

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    ...you're waiting for it just as much as I am, aren't you.

    Well go on then, don't keep us hanging around.

    *slaps self*

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    Actually, have you guys ever HAD a Kinder Surprise?

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    Oh, they're gorgeous, they really are. That's milk chocolate on the outside and white chocolate on the inside, and it's some of the nicest stuff you'll ever find.

    And as a bonus, you get a toy inside! They're in a plastic capsule that can be a little tricky to get open (and are practically impossible for younglings to open and swallow, phew) and they're usually pretty crappy, but whatever, it's fun finding out.

    Unfortunately, this means that, thanks to the 1938 Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act, which bans "the sale of any candy that has embedded in it a toy or trinket", they're not sold in the US, which is a huge shame.

    The closest those in America could get was 'Choco Treasure', which wasn't made by the same company and had a specially designed capsule that separated the two halves of the egg, circumventing the 1938 Act by making it ludicrously obvious that there is something inside the egg.

    They were sold in Easter 2013, and though I haven't tried one myself, I hear the chocolate's not bad. But it's probably not as nice as Kinder though.

    ...I'm sorry, where was I?

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    Oh, right.

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    I would like to point out that the bird remains in that EXACT position, not flapping its wings or anything, while Runt says this line.

    Glitches? WHAT glitches?

    (oh, and his reading of the line "Hehehehehehe" is absolutely dire. I will not be sad about what happens to him)

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    ...and down he goes.

    To his death.

    Yup.

    BZjhy85.pngGOD you're stupid.

    Absolutely nothing about his character, either from the second game or this one, suggested anything other than that he was an evil little git who was more than happy helping Sordid enact his plans, and every single time you meet him, he quite happily tried to torture and/or kill you and everyone you were with.

    You, good sir, are a moron.

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    Oh, don't say THAT! Don't you know the universal law of bad comedy?

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    ...IDIOT.

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    Yes. Let's all damn him, shall we?

  • Great stuff as always, Darth. However, you've given me a craving for a Kinder Surprise now. I haven't eaten one in years. I always ended up with a stupid figurine though (as opposed to an awesome toy that you have to construct yourself).

    Also, American chocolate is shite. I tried a fair few varieties when I was in New York and they're all revolting. Who the fuck likes Oreos?! They taste nastier than the leavings of a diarrhetic camel. Even Mars Bars don't taste right in America.

    Um, anyway... the let's play. Out of interest how much further to you have to torture yourself play until you reach the end? I've got 2 more parts of my let's play to go (and I've started on the first of those). I was wondering if your let's play and my let's play might finish at the same sort of time.

  • If I go back to one instalment a day... Wednesday is a good estimate. Definitely by the end of next week. There's not a huge amount left, to be honest. We're really into the end game at this point.

    And yes. American chocolate < English chocolate. Even Milka is mana from heaven compared to that crap.

  • You weren't trying the right kinds of chocolate. Get some Ghirardelli's chocolate... that's the absolute best. They make it right in San Francisco and hand pick the cocoa beans to make each batch of chocolate perfect. My favorites are the little chocolate squares with caramel or mint or raspberry jam inside.

    But yeah, if you judge it by the stuff you can buy in a convenience store then you'll be sorely disappointed.

  • Glad to see this continued. Great stuff.

    Are Kinder Surprises English? I thought they were German for some reason. I agree that they are awesome and I quite a lot of them when I was a kid. It's true that it was always a huge letdown to get one of the toys that didn't require any assembling.

    Also it's not fair to compare hand crafted to mass produced chocolate. Hand crafted chocolate is great anywhere. European mass produced chocolate is by far the best there is. One of my favourite is a Norwegian one which contains nuts and raisins. Awesome stuff.

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  • Kinder is a German word, but the company that makes them is actually based out of Italy.

    The U.S. mass market is based on "How do we make it cheaper, but still keep it good enough that people will buy it?" Which is why most of our mass-produced consumables taste like they do. There are still enough people willing to pay a little more for better stuff that there's better stuff available, but you won't find it in a convenience store.

  • @flesk said: Are Kinder Surprises English?

    Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that they're produced in England, just that you can buy them in England, along with many, many other delicious chocolate bars. Seriously, we're spoilt for choice here in the UK.

    @flesk said: Kinder is a German word, but the company that makes them is actually based out of Italy.

    The U.S. mass market is based on "How do we make it cheaper, but still keep it good enough that people will buy it?" Which is why most of our mass-produced consumables taste like they do. There are still enough people willing to pay a little more for better stuff that there's better stuff available, but you won't find it in a convenience store.

    I don't doubt it but I do all my shopping in convenience stores or supermarkets so I'm pretty happy to be a UK resident on this occasion (there's something I don't say often because I mostly hate the UK).

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    Jennifer Moderator

    My absolute favorite candy bar is the milk chocolate Nestlé Aero that's made in the UK. The US version by Hershey's, the Air Delight, is just awful.

    Not all mass produced US chocolate is gross though. My area has one of the two major manufacturing facilities for DeMet's Candy Company, which makes DeMet's Turtles. Those are really good.

  • I went and bought a Kinder Surprise today. It was yummy. The toy was a little car. Vroom vroom, motherlovers.

    So, we just killed Runt and Coneman (bumping Simon's murder count up to 9 - forgot to mention that). What now?

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    Well, if you INSIST.

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    ...

    Y'know, it's all well and good having a murder count, but if I'd actually kept a douche count, we'd probably be in the hundereds by this point.

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    Absolutely no reason to include that shot. No idea why I did it, it's not like there's anything to actually see.

    *whistles*

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    Hundereds and ONE.

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    Yeah, it was great. There was cake and everything. No lie!

    *slaps self, resolves to stop making lame puns*

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    I'm sorry, why exactly did we need her again? Anyone?

    As far as I can recall, the only thing the REAL Melissa Leg has done is sat around and let herself get captured, then do absolutely nothing to escape.

    I say to hell with her.

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    ...or into the Nexus with her, that's fine too.

    I guess.

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    YOu'd think I'd be used to being let down by this game by now.

    You'd be wrong.

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    Oh, well, at least SOMEONE'S having a good time.

    DIDDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!

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    Yes. We get the 'joke'. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

    OK, so here we are at the Nexus.

    Nothing here except a bunch of ruins and...

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    ...that's actually a half-decent question.

    I flat-out refuse to believe he asked it on purpose.

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    It's Swampy. It's... it's quite clearly him.

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    If you already knew what it was, THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU ASK MELISSA, YOU STUPID, INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE FUCKWIT?

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    Being the incredibly genre-savvy nerd that I am, I can tell you straight away that the big twist is Swampy's actually going to be part of an ancient mystical race formerly of unspeakable power but long since gone, all of which he is completely unaware of.

    ...

    ...I am unsure as to whether to be proud of this knowledge or not.

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    Oh, deep and abiding joy. I can't WAIT to see what this dufus has to say.

    Is it going to be in any way useful?

    1rZIlgN.pngOF COURSE IT FUCKING ISN'T.

    MK27597.pngNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

    You absolute fuckers! I don't want this asshole all the time! Especially if he's just going to make bad ghost-related puns all the time! FUCK YOU!

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    Called it.

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    Oh, you complete cockbite. I just...

    No, no. I'm not going through it again. Fuck you, *claps hands*, I'm out.

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