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Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

posted by Darth Marsden on - last edited - Viewed by 4.0K users

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

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The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

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This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.

RUNT.

He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...

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AHH! MY PARENTS LIED! THERE ARE MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET!!

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Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

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Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

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Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

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Which he promptly does.

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Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

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Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?

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The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

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This... THING from Star Wars?

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Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

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Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

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Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

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And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.

HOW DID SHE GET SIMON'S BODY OUT OF SORDID'S LAIR?

No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!

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...sorry.

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So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

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Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.

Jerks.

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And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

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Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.

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...I wish.

252 Comments - Linear Discussion: Classic Style
  • User Avatar Image
    Darth Marsden Moderator

    ...and we're back.



    So, we'd just entered 'The Nexus'. Lovely.

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    ...what.

    So you mean I brought you all the way over here just so you could stand around and do bugger all?

    And yes, that's literally what she does.

    Stands there.

    And does nothing.

    So there was absolutely ZERO POINT in bringing her along.

    ...

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    Actually, let me show you the most interesting thing about her.

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    See that middle box on the top right?

    ...yup.

    ...

    Right. Let's move on and tackle that stupid Swampy head.

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    FUCK.

    Do... do you guys remember that song? 'cause I don't!

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    ...I might have lied to try and save face.

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    I regret nothing.

    Well, the path's open now, so let's head inside.

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    Seriously? She's just going to stay there?

    So Melissa is, and always has been, totally useless. That's... that's just fantastic.

    Oh well - might as well forget about her entirely then.

    Which is handy, since the game does exactly the same thing, so...

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    Anyway. Let's head into the mouth and through the gums, look out stomach, here we come.

    (Anyone else remember that rhyme? No? God I'm old.)

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    Bit hard to see, but it's a giant purple people eater paths.

    Naturally I run across it as fast as I can, but as soon as I pass that small building...

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    Oh hey Swampy.

    Wait - WHAT?

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    (I know not who you are, strangely dressed person. But I am knowing that you cannot be crossing the bridge.)
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    (Bridge only for people leaving the Centre of Controls. No people may be crossing the bridge in the direction you was walking in.)
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    (And only walking allowed on bridge. No runninging or joggining or you will be evaporated!)
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    ...and this leads to one of the most irritating minigames of the game (which is fitting, since it's technically the last one).

    This one'll take a bit of explaining, so bear with me.

    Basically, you need to WALK across the bridge, but whenever it looks like this not-Swampy is about to pop out and check what you're doing, you need to turn 180 degrees and walk back the way you just came, since that's the only way he'll let you go. When he pops back into his building, you turn round and continue walking across the bridge.

    Sound simple? Nope! You can't stop moving at any point, or you have to start over. This is bad enough, but it also means you can't accidentally toucch the sides of the path, since that stops you dead and, yep, it's back to the start.

    Also, the bridge is quite long, and walking is quite slow.

    All of which means THIS IS TEDIOUS AS FUCK.

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    10 minutes of my life I'll never get back, I've finally managed to make my way across.

    THANKS, GAME.

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    Ooo, what mysteries could lie at the end of the tunnel?

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    It's a computer.

    The Nexus... is a fucking computer.

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    On the right is the body of Sordid.

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    See?

    It's just lying there. Doing nothing. And not letting us interact with it at all.

    See, if it were me, I'd be fucking around with its electronic innards right now, but hey ho, WHATEVER.

    On the other side of the room...

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    Oh, we can dick around with SWAMPY? Joy of joys.

    (Well, we can look at him. But that's about it. Thank god.)

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    Uh... yay?

    Well, we can't actually do anything with him, so let's take a closer look at that computer, shall we?

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    Is he... is he actually tapping MY monitor?

    Piss off, you little git.

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    And you! God, I'm surrounded by people who need to just. Go. Away.

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    Ah, I see you've turned into the exposition fairy.

    Not to be confused with the Fairy Godmother, who's also vanished into the ether and will indeed never be seen again, and who deserves a nice big retroactive:

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    (Nope, not tired of that yet!)

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    And presumably we need to follow them?

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    Called it.

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    Just? JUST?

    That was around 20 hours ago!

    20 long, frustrating, wasted hours...

    *cries*

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    Fine. Let's get it over with then.

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    Sadly, now that's he's just a spirit, I can't punch him for that.

    ...anyone got any holy water?

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    And so, we leap head first into the Nexus computer.

    What will we find in there? Could it be a really crappy level based around computer circuitry? Or might the developers have some actual imagination?

    Find out in the next- it's a crappy level based around circuitry. Unlike this game, I'm not a dick.

  • So if you were to type FORMAT C:, would that wipe out the Universe, or just those silly folks inside?

  • User Avatar Image
    Darth Marsden Moderator

    There's actually no keyboard, so good luck typing anything!

    It would wipe out the universe though. Every single universe in existence, apparently.

  • This game hurts my brain meats.

  • User Avatar Image
    Darth Marsden Moderator

    You and me both.



    Welcome to the Nexus computer!

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    It's a crappy level based around computer circuitry. See? Wasn't that worth getting excited for?

    ...if you said No, congratulations. You have a brain.

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    Lots of small, narrow paths here that do not mix well with the terrible movement controls.

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    Fun fact: I spent around 5 minutes running around trying to figure out where the bloody hell I was supposed to go because the level design here is so horribly awful and the camera actively hated me.

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    Fuck you, Adventuresoft.

    Eventually I figured out (by reading a walkthrough - NO SHAME) that you're not actually supposed to go wandering through the Nexus.

    You'd think so, but no.

    Instead you have to TURN AROUND FROM YOUR STARTING POSITION.

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    FUCK YOU, ADVENTURESOFT!

    Now. Guess which of these three pads you have to step on. Go on, guess.

    ...

    ...

    ...did you guess yet?

    ...no? OK, couple more seconds.

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...how about now?

    ...yeah? Cool.

    Now. If you said the left one...

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    OK. Hands up who said the one on the right?

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    Honestly. You people. Has Monty Python taught you nothing?

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    Yes, it was the middle one.

    This takes us to another area of the Nexus, which is basically a straight path (albeit one full of very small sections you can easily get caught on) that leads to:

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    Oh for fuck's sake.

    Can't be bothered with another guessing game - it's the left one this time.

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    Are we there yet?

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    Oh. Yes. Huzzah.

    Quite why we couldn't have arrived here when we first entered the Nexus is partially explained later.

    It's still stupid, mind, but it is explained.

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    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Oh, I needed that. Thank you, game.

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    Oops. Probably shouldn't have laughed so loud. Oh well, what's done is done.

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    We're near the end? OH THANK GOD.

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    1) You need Swampy's help? We're all boned.
    2) Why is Sordid's soul in the shape of his robot body? Shouldn't it look more like this:

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    3) WHY THE FUCK AM I NITPICKING THIS SHIT?

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    Christ, for someone so genre-savvy, Simon can't half be an idiot sometimes.

    And by sometimes, I mean ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

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    Man, I'm going overboard with the silly images today, aren't I.

    *shrugs*

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    Seriously - BONED.

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    That's our 'hero'! Always thinking about the greater good.

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    Please do. It's not like he doesn't deserve it. What was his kill count again?

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    A cage?

    ...well, it's a start.

    I guess.

  • No need to scold yourself over nitpicking that his soul looks like his robot body. I was thinking the same thing, myself.

  • I don't know which is more exciting, that we're near the end of the game, or that we're near the end of the page. Seriously, it's starting to get to be a bitch to load.

  • Since Darth is almost at the end of this horrible horrible horrible game. Maybe his next picture Let's Play should be Family Guy Back to the Multiverse or Doctor Who the Enternal Clock or something like that :/. Whatever the case since we are almost at the end of this Let's Play, I'll just say its been an entertaining Let's Play :)

  • User Avatar Image
    Syd

    I'll do my part to help usher in a new page.

    And so we approach the end. I'm sure it'll have a thrilling conclusion that'll neatly wrap up the plot (hah, "plot") and leave us happy and content, right? Right?

  • User Avatar Image
    Darth Marsden Moderator

    Ryan - both of those games wouldn't make for very good screenshot Let's Plays. Adventure games and RPGs... the focus on story means that they work much better than action titles, which work best as VIDEO Let's Plays. And I've still got one of those I keep putting off, so I'm not keen on doing another one.

    Thanks for the support and words of appreciation. It means a lot that I've managed to keep you guys entertained with all of this nonsense. At least some good came out of it!

    I have been thinking about what to do next, actually. I've got a couple of ideas, but nothing solid yet. I'm gonna (try to) catch up with some other stuff first, then we'll see. Rest assured though, there will be more. Another sentence with a comma in it, totally required.

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