Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

[Darth Marsden]

So I'm doing a run through that most infamous of bad adventure games, Simon the Sorcerer 3D. This is so I can do a Madisun's Arc review of it, and like all my video game reviews I'm playing through the whole thing and recording it so that I essentially have a complete video run of the game.

The thing is, doing this is long. And boring. And requires me to convert a LOT of videos from massive avi files (3.95GBs each) into smaller wmv ones that don't take up every bit of free space on my hard drive. And while the videos are converting, I can't actually play the game. Well, maybe I could, I dunno, but I don't really want to be converting video files AND recording footage from a game at the same time. I think my motherboard might melt.

So, during this down time, I figured I'd do something. Going back to the videos I've already converted to wmv files, I'm grabbing screenshots from them and I'm going to do a picture based storytelling exercise... thing.

So here we go!

Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/SimonTitle_zps3d37150d.png


http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro01_zpsbd9bfe1e.png
The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro02_zps4f643a13.png
This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.

RUNT.

He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro03_zpsa1e89a48.png
AHH! MY PARENTS LIED! THERE ARE MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET!!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro04_zps8c42287e.png
Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro05_zpsbea6581f.png
Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro06_zpscd099ccc.png
Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro07_zpsab601964.png
Which he promptly does.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro08_zps027da51c.png
Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro09_zps0b5250c0.png
Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Ancient1_zpscd35cb22.jpg

The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Ancient2_zpsc9388fca.jpg

This... THING from Star Wars?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Ancient3_zps9e309d8c.png

Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro10_zpsb7ca0bb7.png
Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro11_zpsd12b2ce0.png
Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro12_zps4ee79226.png
And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.

HOW DID SHE GET SIMON'S BODY OUT OF SORDID'S LAIR?

No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-EXPLAIN_zps5ca47a52.gif

...sorry.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro13_zpsff8505a7.png
So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro14_zpsdd896946.png
Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.

Jerks.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro15_zpsafdabada.png
And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro16_zps61dc36bc.png
Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-TheEnd_zpsfa7d208e.jpg

...I wish.

[Vainamoinen]

Why... are you doing this... to yourself?! :eek:

It's like I decided to play "The Fall - Last Days of Gaya" again.

[Secret Fawful]

I thought about doing something like this too at some point. Davies does such a great job with his, though. Not sure I'd have the patience.

I've always wondered about Simon 3D.

[flesk]

I called it:

If it's graphics that makes the characters look like cardboard boxes it could be Simon the Sorcerer 3.

Also, nice review. :) I love these kinds of Let's Plays. They're a lot easier for me to follow since they require less concentration and dedicated time than video reviews.

[Darth Marsden]

Aha! Bet you weren't expecting another part so soon! Well, I have to wait for a video of me collecting butterflies to convert, so here we are.

...yes, butterflies. Let's... let's not go there just yet. *shudder*

Anyway. Where were we? Oh, right.


http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro16_zps61dc36bc.png
That's not alcohol, sadly, that's Simon's soul. Which just raises another question of exactly how the good guys got hold of it, but whatever, let's just get this over with.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro17_zps5b422e39.png
They remove the seal and...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro18_zps340d0098.png
...start chanting. It's really rather dull. Next time I need to get off to sleep, I know what I'LL be listening to.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro19_zps94252095.png
Not quite sure why they've got the guard there. Maybe he was just tired of being left out. I dunno.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro20_zps9e2620ab.png
Whatever the case, Simon's clearly had enough of it, as he legs it down the hole to try and get away from the constant droning noise that's suddenly started up. Because there's none of THAT in an ancient tomb, oh no.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro21_zpsf12933ea.png
The old guys suddenly start waving their arms around, as if their pacemakers have just kicked in or something. Or maybe it's "the wave".

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Wave_zps999a7afb.jpg

...yeah, doesn't quite work when there's only three of you, guys (I'm going to assume Amazonia Le HotPants isn't taking part).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro22_zps8443114a.png
God clearly agrees, and sends bolts of... snowballs? Eh, whatever. They miss the old guys completely and smack Simon straight in the face. Trust me, he deserves far, far more than this.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro23_zpsad350ab8.png
One of the old guys proclaims that "seven days and nights must pass" before Simon awakens. I'd complain, but since this cutscene's been dragging on for so long it already FEELS like a week's passed, I'll take that and run with it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro24_zpsa858668f.png
The Pigtailed Princess here immediately makes herself out to be the most likeable character seen so far by claiming that they've wasted enough time on Simon already, that she's had enough the foul weather and that if the stories are true then Simon can make his own damn way out. I hereby proclaim this chick the best character in the entire game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Intro25_zps8a3ebae9.png
This guy then says "oh dear". Clearly he knows something we don't.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-OneWeekLater_zps5d915af7.jpg

Time for a brilliant showcase of just how terrible the graphics are.

BEHOLD!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-001_zps1b47437c.png
OH GOD MY EYES!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-002_zpse6cffc79.png
...and there's Simon. Still dead. Yay!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-003_zpsce69b2d0.png
...aww.

And yes, those really are the textures they're going with. Hard to believe this came out the same year as Zelda: Wind Waker, isn't it?
(Wind Waker came out in 2002 in Japan, so it bloody well counts, dammit!)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-004_zpse05ec91c.png
Oh, and then he had to go open his mouth and start talking.

Yes, one of the many, many, MANY benefits of only doing a Picture Playthrough of this is that you're spared the teeth-grinding, fingers-down-chalkboard, nails-in-eardrums pain of the primary voice actor. He's clearly a man in his late thirties desperately trying to sound like a teenage boy... and failing miserably.

He's also trying to sound likeable, which is a frankly insulting thing for him to do given the actions Simon takes throughout the game. But we'll get to those. Oh yes we will.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-005_zps99da3f20.png
Oh, why are they focusing on that shot? It was bad enough the first time we saw it! Whatever. We've now established that Simon's trapped in this room.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-006_zps100f42e3-1_zps2126d8a8.jpg
Gee, I wonder how we solve this 'puzzle'.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-007_zpsb35e10bc.png
"Now what" indeed, Simon. The Quit button's looking awfully tempting right about now, but that'd just be the easy way out.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-008_zps7bd5346d.png
And so begins the first playable section. Christ, that only took 10 minutes. Reminds me of Daikatana, and the less I'm reminded of THAT bloated mess, the better.

The first problem is with the controls. They're all over the place. We'll start with the movement controls, which are probably the least crippled. It's the arrow keys. Left and Right to turn...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-009_zps483ea3db.png
...and Up and Down to move forwards and backwards. It's like driving a tank.

Sort of.

Let's head over to that blatantly obvious switch we saw earlier.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-010_zps3a2c4424.png
...after turning subtitles on, obviously. I'll be lowering the voices so I can avoid the terrible voicework from Simon, and you should be eternally grateful you don't have to listen to him at all.

Right. Now, to the switch!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-011_zpsa9805ab2.png
...now, if I could just remember which button I press to use stu-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-012_zps6956e0c1.png
...what.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-013_zps7f5c0d58.png
...WHAT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-014_zps6875637d.png
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-015_zps65888578.png
A fairy godmother. A Fairy. Fucking. Godmother.

...actually, you know what she reminds me of?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-PornFairy_zpsc1897d13.jpg

Yes, I've played Magne Cum Laude.

No, I am not proud of this fact.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-016_zpsd46fd46f.png
Simon is clearly on the same wavelength as every single person on the planet here. I suspect my take on the line would involve a lot more swearing though.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-017_zps1d2a97a8.png
...oh. She's a bloody walking tutorial.

FLYING. FLYING tutorial. Whatever.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-018_zps5878f251.png
And she's god-damn useless as well. "Press ACTION"? Yeah? Well, what key's that then?

...tell you what. I'll let YOU guess what the ACTION key is. Go on, have a guess. I'll wait.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-StopWatch_zps3687bdd2.jpg

...done?

...really?

...not just scrolling down because you can't be bothered?

...OK then. Here's what, by default, the ACTION button is.

...100% sure you actually made a guess? OK.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Ctrl_zps398cdee7.jpg

Yeah. Control. Because, y'know, that make PERFECT sense.

(Oh, all right. You can use Enter as well. But they don't actually tell you that!)

So let's use this bloomin' switch then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-019_zps620ed06b.png
Oh wonderful. Because I'd never have figured out to do that on my own. All hail the great and powerful Godmother.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-020_zps667e4346.png
And with that, she buggers off. Thank Christ.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-021_zpsa22d638e.png
I'd like to point out I only found that funny because the Fairy Godmother is a right royal pain in the arse.

So, what lies beyond the gate? What mystical treasures are there to be plundered? What crimes commited? What people insulted? Well I know, but you'll just have to wait and see.

[Secret Fawful]

I didn't know Minecraft had a Simon the Sorcerer mod. That's amazing!

[Syd]

I agree with you on Simon's voice actor. I liked his VA in the talkie version of the first Simon game, but then (for some reason) they swapped VAs for the sequel, and also decided to change Simon from a likeable jerk to.. well, just a jerk. Simon 2 is a pretty good game as far as gameplay goes, but I have difficulty playing through it since there's quite a few moments when I'd rather punch Simon in the face than help him along on his quest.

As for Simon 3D... yeah, I'm not going to touch that game, but I applaud you for having the bravery to play through it. Maybe if they had gotten Chris Barrie back in to voice Simon it would have been slightly more bearable, but no, they had to stick with that guy from the second game.

[Darth Marsden]

Simon 2 is a pretty good game as far as gameplay goes, but I have difficulty playing through it since there's quite a few moments when I'd rather punch Simon in the face than help him along on his quest.Oh, it gets worse. It gets so, SO much worse.

Glad you guys are enjoying this. Not entirely sure how long I'll keep it going, but I'm hoping all the way through. We'll see.

Quick question - are the pictures too big? That was my main concern when doing this, but if I try to resize them then the subtitles become harder to read. Thoughts?

[Syd]

Quick question - are the pictures too big? That was my main concern when doing this, but if I try to resize them then the subtitles become harder to read. Thoughts?

It's fine for me. It doesn't stretch the posts out or anything like that.

Anyway, if the pictures were too small, we wouldn't be able to bask in the radiant glory of Simon 3D's stunning graphics.

[Darth Marsden]

Cool.

Anyway, surprise! Mini-update!



One thing I forgot to mention is this blatant bit of dickery from the Fairy Godmother.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-022_zpsdb24f727.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-023_zps1070f862.png

...OK.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Live-01_zpsd727c4b6.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Live-02_zps6a795415.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Live-03_zps930318fc.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Live-04_zps969ed0d0.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Live-05_zpsf52d4057.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Live-06_zps588e9489.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/Live-07_zps9baed133.jpg

OK, so, yeah, this game came out in the golden age when manuals not only existed, but also actually contained useful information, including a nice list of all the controls right in the middle of the manual so that it's more than likely to be the first page you see when you open the booklet.

Odd, then, that the game feels the need to explicitely tell you to refer to the manual while it's in the middle of its tutorial section. Y'know, that thing which is EXPLICITELY DESIGNED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO ACTUALLY PLAY THE GAME.

*sigh*

The sad thing is, I did refer to the manual several times until I'd gotten the hang of the controls, and even then I had to keep going back to it whenever I had to combine inventory items, which is horrifically complicated and I'll show you in more detail when we get to it. Ugh.

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed this little bonus segment, and hopefully a proper installment will be up soon.

(For the record, the T-Shirt is the Game Grumps 'TenOuttaTen' one - thanks to Coolsome for telling me where to get it [and sharing the code for free postage, woo])

[Secret Fawful]

I want that shirt.

[coolsome]

I got that shirt and the 7 asses one. I'm dang ass sexy.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back. Sadly.



Right, where were we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-024_zpsf84fc2f1.png
Oh, right. We were gonna go through that door. OK, let's head through it then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-025_zpsffe453b8.png
Ooo, what wonders could await us beyond this gate? It could be treasure, or women, or treasure, or-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-026_zpseda85908.png
...oh. Well that's kinda lame.

Might as well head to the back first. Maybe there's women here?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-027_zps08368c9d.png
...oh, it's a dead end. That's... that's nice.

Note that plate on the floor. No idea why I'm telling you to do this. Just feel like it. Hint hint.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-028_zpsbb11cbf1.png
Alright, we'll go the other way. Towards the camera. Because THAT isn't awkward at all.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-029_zps40909607.png
Now THIS is awkward. Jeez, what were the developers thinking? These camera angles are just awful. It makes controlling Simon a massive pain in the arse, especially with those Tank controls I mentioned earlier, because it means I keep running straight into things.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-030_zps6d866b92.png
...like so.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-031_zps27663527.png
Anyway, once I make my way around that I head down the hall and find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-032_zps90e10d57.png
...a nice display thingamy.

Now I want to look at it, so it's time for another game of...

GUESS THE CONTROLS!

Yes, it's time for round two of that most irritating of quizzes! And for 10 points, your next question:

WHAT BUTTON DO YOU PRESS TO EXAMINE THINGS?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-StopWatch_zps3687bdd2.jpg

...

...ready?

...

...padding so you don't accidentally see the answer while scrolling down...

...

...more padding...

...

...OK, here's the button you press to EXAMINE:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-XKey_zps51750010.png

...

Y'know, I can sort of see the logic there. X to eXamine things. But, and here's the big question, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY NOT JUST USE THE E KEY THEN? Gah!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-033_zpsb03027b4.png
And all so Simon can point out that it's important for something. Well whoop-de-fucking-do, it's not like I can't tell that for myself. What is it? Are those jewels? Can I do anything with it? Does any of this sound at all important? These are the things you should be telling me Simon, not that the blatantly obviously important thing could well be a tiny bit important!

We're barely 5 minutes into the actual game, folks. FIVE. MINUTES.

*sigh*

Alright, let's just try to use the thing then, see what that does. That's the Ctrl button, remember.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-034_zpse19125af.png
Oh, Simon just takes the three jewels. So they were jewels then. Would have been nice to know that before you picked them up, but whatever.

So Simon takes all three remaining jewels an-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-035_zps1aa30f41.png
OH FUCK NO. I do NOT want to be dealing with this bitch right about now.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-036_zps5eb3013f.png
Yeah, no Shit, Sherlock.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-037_zps440bd4a2.png
Mine was better.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-038_zps0f06fd39.png
OH GOD NO NOT MORE EXPOSITION RUUUUUUUN!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-039_zps8c1807d2.png
Actually, you can skip this one if you want, and thank christ for that, because it takes AGES to go through.

How do I know this?

...because I listened to it.

And because I did that, I can tell you of a bizarre bug that happens here. On certain lines, like this one for example:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-040_zpsf8e9e013.png
...there's no audio. The game acts like there should be some, and the character moves her mouth as if she's saying something, but there's no actual audible voice. It's incredibly bizarre. What's more, it's oddly specific. There's about five or six lines from the Fairy Godmother in this chapter, and then it doesn't re-occur until Chapter Three. Very odd.

Anyway. The blurb here explains the inventory system, which is accessed by pressing the SPACE BAR. That's not entirely unreasonable, so I'll let it slide. What I WON'T forgive is how you use an item. First you select it with the ACTION button (Ctrl or Enter, remember). It'll then be in the 'In Hand' position, shown by an image of the item appearing in the far-right box on the upper right of the screen. These boxes hide themselves away during cutscenes and dialogue (though there's so much bloody dialogue in this game that they're pretty much the same sodding thing), so I can't show you without referring to an earlier shot:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-028_zpsbb11cbf1.png
...like so. You then use it by pressing...

...oh sod it, I can't be bothered with doing the whole quiz thing again. It's Alt.

Yes, Alt. That one key you never press because it usually brings up the 'File' menu of whatever program you're using. THAT Alt.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-AltKey_zps70e16a89.png

*sigh*

Oh, and having Little Miss Exposition tell you all this without any visual aids to help show you what she's actually talking about and let you better understand what's going on is EXACTLY the sort of thing idiots who can't be bothered to do any decent programming would do, which explains why it's happening right now.

This is just amateurish. One of the golden rules of cinema is 'Show, Don't Tell', and that's no less applicable to games. In fact, it's even MORE important, because you can do BETTER than just showing players stuff. You can guide them through it. Games are an interactive medium, after all, and the best way to get someone to understand how to do something is to actually have them do it while you're guiding them through the experience.

But oh no, that's FAR too advanced for this game. No, Simon 3D just tells you stuff and leaves you to figure it out on your own. And then it tells you that you should probably read the manual if you're stuck.

No. No I shouldn't. You should be doing a better job of showing me what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, you stupid, irritating, cock-sucking BITCH.

...

Ahem.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-041_zpsaa396508.png

...a little boring?

...A LITTLE BORING?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-042_zps85b8ef62.png
...oh, thank you Simon. I guess you're not as bad as I thought you were.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-043_zps61eab794.png
Oh, shut up.

She goes on to explain... well, not an awful lot, really. And then she leaves.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-044_zps6fc8c7bf.png
Oh now really, there's no need for that...

Anyway. As we were.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-045_zps0a1b8d1b.png
Let's continue down the hallway and see where we end up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-046_zpsb777f96b.png
Seriously?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-047_zpsc5a944f5.png
Right, there we go. Now, let's see wher-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-048_zps58bffc67.png
OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-049_zpsac24528e.png
Oh, you're just taking the piss with that one.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-050_zpsae0947ab.png
I swear, I'm not doing this on purpose. The controls really are this bad! Honest!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-051_zps7328cbca.png
Right. That took some work. Let's see what's through here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-052_zpsb8babb8a.png
FUCK YOU, GAME.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-053_zps110ec6a4.png
Aha! Victory at last! Lo, I have triumphed over the terrible controls and horrendous camera angles! And there's a key. Lovely. I'll just walk up and grab that...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-054_zpsb0d0e54a.png
The flying moonshine is that? Is a giant robot falling from the ceiling?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-055_zpsbe34ef61.png
Ah. That'd be a yes then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-056_zps83bcecc0.png
Oh Simon, you loveable coward. Quick, grab it and shove it back on your head before the camera has a chance to cut back to you, because then the programmers don't have to make a separate model of you without the hat on!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-057_zps35d27f92.png
...phew. That was a close one. Who cares if it made the cutscene awkward to watch, we have lazy coders to deal with!

OK, I think I've broken everyone's bandwidth enough for one day. We'll see how Simon deals with the giant robot who (spoiler) genuinely can't hurt you at all (no, seriously) in the next instalment.



Actually, I'd encourage people to post in this thread, if only so we can break my posts over several pages. It'll help reduce the loading times for each page. They're only PNG files from my Photobucket account, but even so, I can't imagine loading over a hundred images on one forum page alone is a good thing.

[Secret Fawful]

I can't think of the last game I played that controlled like that.

[Darth Marsden]

It actually feels very similar to the early Tomb Raider games, if you can cast your mind that far back.

Well, there's no jumping or shooting stuff (yet...), but you get the idea. It feels like an early 3D platformer. Which is odd, considering it's supposed to be an adventure game.

[Syd]

Tank-style controls are my worst enemy, and it's made even worse when the camera angle suddenly changes. As much as I love Grim Fandango, there's quite a few times that I ended up running straight into a wall because of the controls and camera, but at least Grim's controls were mostly sensible (and it has the excuse of that sort of control scheme being popular at the time). Simon 3D's controls look like a nightmare. What were they thinking?

And of course, it goes without saying, but those are some horrible graphics. Considering the capabilities of computers at the time, there's just no excuse for the game to look that bad.

[Alcoremortis]

Oddly enough, I've never found that particular control scheme to be much of a problem, possibly because Escape from Monkey Island was the first game that I played that controlled from a third person perspective. Though that one used the arrow keys, which I now find really annoying since I'm so used to steering characters with my left hand.

[der_ketzer]

And this is what you play instead of the actually good games you bought?

[Jennifer]

If only the fan project to adapt the game to use the graphics and interface of the first two Simon games (http://simtology.beepworld.de/files/) didn't die out. I played the demo of that one, and it seemed quite fun (the areas you played above were part of it, and they were actually enjoyable). It's a shame even the demo doesn't seem to be available anymore.

[Darth Marsden]

Here's a video of said project. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpHQqBaSru4) You're right - it looks way better.

Well, except for the chamber. That... that doesn't look so great.

Oh, and here's the Demo itself (http://www.file-upload.net/download-4408754/Simon-the-Sorcerer-3D---2D-Demo.rar.html). Not sure what language it is.

EDIT: I'll be trying to upload one part of this Let's Play per day. Currently working on today's part.

[der_ketzer]

The demo is in German, of course.

[Darth Marsden]

Oh well. Us English speakers still get the gist of it at least.

Basically the opening cutscene from the demo takes about a fifth as long as the actual game, which takes almost 8 minutes from hitting New Game to actually being able to first control Simon. When I said I was getting Daikatana flashbacks, I wasn't kidding (I did say I was getting Daikatana flashbacks, right?).

[Darth Marsden]

Right. Let's defeat that robot thing!


http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-058_zpsd976f3ef.png
That robot's totally preventing us from getting that key!

IT MUST DIE.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-059_zps08328f87.png
And here we are inside the chamber again. Now as you can see, the robot's in the center there, and it'll follow you around as you move around the room, constantly blocking off the key. Aside from that, it does absolutely nothing, and if you walk too close to it, Simon simply backs away. I forgot to shoot him doing this, so you'll have to accept this image taken from someone else's Let's Play (hope OreWaUsoop doesn't mind):

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-YouTube1_zpsccc9947c.png

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-060_zps23ec6d4d.png
I've wandered around the chamber a little here to get a better angle of the laser beam. It's a bit hard to tell thanks to the poor camera, but if you move round then the robot will follow you and move directly into the path of this beam. This may factor into how we defeat it. Possibly. Maybe.

Anyway. Simon's standing right in front of something, so let's have a look at it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-061_zpsf86e8c09.png
Oh, it looks like there's space for something, does it? Gee, I wonder what we have that could possibly fit in there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-062_zps45f86810.png
Oh right, THE ONLY THINGS WE'RE CARRYING. How did that slip my mind?

You can see the inventory thing in the top right, by the way. The blue jewel's what's currently selected, which is handy, since I'm using it and all.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-063_zps7152f0bd.png
Rinse and repeat...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-064_zpsdacc3ec7.png
And here's what we're doing, in case you hadn't guessed. We've just the green gem to go, so...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-065_zps10795dd0.png
...there we go. Now we just need to make the robot enter the area where all four beams cross...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-066_zps170d693e.png
...like so...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-067_zpsdabb3493.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-068_zps234b7ed9.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-069_zpsd5d1a7c6.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-070_zps794b45f2.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-071_zps5b1da0d8.png

...is it odd that I feel kind of sorry for it now?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-072_zps188abe2a.png
That's our Simon! He's definitely got his priorities straight.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-073_zps38671edb.png
...so, let's take the key and get out of here.

And now, because nobody asked for it, here's the inventory screen!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-074_zps6f6aef0c.png

As you can see, it's a bit empty at the moment. Now the way the game's explained things so far, you'd think that you had to come to this sreen every time you want to select an item from your inventory. You actually don't - there's a button that lets you cycle through your inventory items one at a time, and that's what I used to select the gems, because otherwise it'd take twice as long.

You'll notice I haven't told you what the keyboard command for that is. There's a reason for that, and we'll get to it in a bit.

Anyway. You'll also notice three tabs at the top of the book here. Disk contains the Save/Load features and lets you quit to the main menu (which you can also do by pressing Esc - trust me, it'll take you a while to get used to bringing up your inventory so you can save), and the Opt tab contains the options. I won't go into great detail about those, since they're fairly standard, if a bit basic. Worth noting though that the maximum resolution is 1024x768. Joy.

Right. That's that discussed. Let's open that blasted door.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-075_zpsa6dba2bc.png
There we go. Now, onwards!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-076_zps3fe1c4a2.png
Ah, it's another one of those plates. It's got an Egyptian symbol on it, according to Simon. If you look closely at it you can tell it's an Ankh, which means absolutely nothing, but it's vaguely mystical and that's good enough for this game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-077_zps4e5ac66a.png
Oh, piss off, woman.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-078_zpsb69fda04.png
So this she-devil explains that these things on the floor are LIFE PADS. Basically, if you die, you'll be resurrected on the nearest one of these.

...uh, why is she telling me this now?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-079_zps0d4c96f4.png
This is, I feel, one of the few genuinely funny lines in this entire game. Treasure it folks, we won't get another for quite some time.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-080_zpsf71938d2.png
So, that done, we head on dow-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-081_zps9fcccdad.png
PISS. THE. FUCK. OFF.

This is another one of those lines without audible dialogue, by the wa- Wait, SPRINT? Why would I need to sprint down a large corridor?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-082_zpse8ff8d64.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-083_zpsf23506b2.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-084_zps6aeb71eb.png

...you can see what's coming, can't you.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-085_zpsdd78bfaa.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-IndyBoulder_zpsa08f9ebd.jpg

...not uh, not quite on the same level, are they.

Especially not when you have to contend with a wall right in front of you as soon as the game lets you control Simon again...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-086_zps844f9c3d.png

...a corridor so dark you can't tell what's in it...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-087_zpsd1d9c534.png

...and a dead end that you'll need to SLOWLY turn around and run out of.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-088_zps37719ad7.png

So for the first couple of tries, this will happen.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-089_zps62c33726.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-090_zps8f8be9db.png

...and so, on the bloody, splattered corpse of our main protagonist, I think we'll end this particular segment.

[Syd]

Knowing how incredibly massive of a jerkwad Simon could be in Simon 2, and how he's apparently managed to become even less likable in Simon 3D, there's something strangely satisfying about seeing him as a bloodstain on the ground.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back. Again.



So after about a dozen tries, I finally make it into the doorway you're supposed to go into:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-091_zps81075c3e.png

This leads to...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-092_zpsdbf8e92b.png
...a giant room full of pillars. But how do we get across with no jump button?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-093_zps4085ee4a.png
Oh just die already.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-094_zps51120500.png

...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-DoctorWhat_zps6a752dbd.gif

So anyway, it looks like it's time for another tutorial. What are we going to learn this time?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-095_zpsf3133261.png
Huh. That... that seems a little weird. If she's saying this to Simon, then that means she's telling him how to see things through his own eyes... which he does already. Surely this should be directed at us - the players - rather than Simon.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-096_zps2fe12512.png

...well, never mind then.

This fourth-wall breaking is getting rather annoying, actually. It's hard to get at all invested in the world when the lead character, the one we're controlling, in staggeringly genre-savvy. This is far from the first, or indeed the last, time he'll say things like this, and while the odd comment can work, this is very much overkill.

Anyway. All the clueless bint's really telling us is how to use First-Person mode. By holding down the TAB key, we see through Simon's eyes, rather than whatever atrocious camera angle the game's currently using. You can't move while holding it down.

Apparently, we can see stuff we wouldn't normally be able to, such as in this room, but so far as I can tell, this is the only time we ever actually need to use it, so basically YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY NEED TO USE THIS TO FINISH THE GAME, and the only times you may want to use it are when you want to take a closer look at a random sign or whatever (and even then you probably won't be able to make it out due to the poor graphics).

All right then, let's at least give it a try.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-097_zps486b481f.png

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Seriously_zps02fb2d95.gif

Yes, that path is only visible when you use the LOOK key, so you'll have to carefully make your way across while constantly checking to make sure on it. This will not get old at all.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-098_zpse8061033.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-099_zps6ff8f217.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-100_zpsb78eb577.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-101_zps64e06588.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-102_zps7bc47e93.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-103_zps3f7b0492.png

...are we having fun yet?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-104_zps210002a3.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-105_zps0fb2cf35.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-107_zpsd51a19d3.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-108_zps552773f5.png

...ugh. Next.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-109_zpsb0a6e745.png
Oh yes, that's MUCH better. :rolleyes:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-110_zpse0547e34.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-HeadBang_zps607a4f83.gif
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-111_zpsb7dbefd3.png

Oh, here we go. Time for a final round of GUESS THE BUTTON!

Since it's the last round, we've got two keys for you to guess here. Going back to earlier, I mentioned there was a button that let you cycle through your inventory items one at a time. I want you to guess that key.

AND!

I want you to guess the button for CROUCH.

Just to be fair, here's a reminder of the keys identified so far:

USE - Ctrl / Enter
USE SELECTED INVENTORY ITEM - Alt
LOOK - Tab
WALK - Shift (OK, I forgot to mention that, but you could probably have guessed it)
SPRINT - Caps Lock (Forgot to mention that as well. Oops)
EXAMINE - X

So, remember: I want you to guess what the keyboard commands for CYCLE INVENTORY ITEMS and CROUCH are. Go!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-StopWatch_zps3687bdd2.jpg

...

...

...

...

...

Times up!

Are you ready?

OK. We'll go with CROUCH first. What did you guess?

Well, if you said it was C, then...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Wrong_zps04802f94.png

I know, right? But the ACTUAL button to crouch is...

http://pzich.com/portfolio/images/macroZKey.jpg

Which, y'know, is KIND of understandable. But, see, this is why I got you guess CYCLE INVENTORY as well, and no matter what you thought it was before, you can probably tell what it's going to be now, can't you.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-CKey_zps3096530f.png

...yup. So CROUCH is Z, and CYCLE INVENTORY is C.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees the failure of logic in this choice. Please.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-112_zps28a929e3.png
Anyway. Don't let the eye see me, huh? OK, well, that shouldn't be a problem.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-113_zps841ecc62.png
Oh. That... that might be an issue.

Well, actually, it's not. The eye does a look-left-look-right movement every 6 seconds or so, and as long as crawl around and make sure you're behind one of the bits of cover you can see dotted around while it does that, then you're fine.

Unfortunately, I'm just so damned awesome that I aced this section on my first try, so I don't have any images of me failing miserably. Fortunately, that guy on YouTube is nowhere near as cool as me, so here's what happens when you do get spotted:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-YouTube2_zpsfb77f271.png

See inside that big white circle? That's a fireball the eye shoots at you. If it hits you, you just fade out of existance and re-emerge back where the Fairy Gitmother (heh) was just talking to you.

Anyway, back to me being awesome:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-114_zps5c0458b9.png
Here I am crouching (it goes to a First-Person viewpoint when you do this, presumably so the developers wouldn't have to make a crawling animation, the lazy buggers) and waiting until the eye does its sweep.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-115_zpsbbbbc5bd.png
Having finished the sweep, the eye's clear for a few seoconds, so I crawl over to the switch.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-116_zpscf0a2c76.png
...and use it. It opens a gate on the other side of the room, which I now need to get to.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-117_zpsf61728fa.png
...like so...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-118_zps0f8725b5.png
...and boom! Done. Seriously - I rock.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-119_zpsb2753f4d.png
And here lies a big ol' door. Could this, finally, be the way outside?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-120_zps248a7d54.png
IT IS!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Celebration_zps2864ff10.jpg

...and that'll do for this part. Next time, I bitch about being outside. A lot.

[Secret Fawful]

Heh, I like Simon in Simon 2.

[WarpSpeed]

I'm just now catching up on things after a busy holiday season, so I started reading this from the top today, and I thought I'd write another message to bump more segments to the next page.

First of all, the images look the right size to me, close to the same size that St. Eddie is using. You're not making the forums widen the message boxes, which is good.

I like your comments so far, but I think you're putting in too many images. There are a lot of places where you could just put in a couple, and we'd get the idea. If there are this many images in just the opening segment, we're going to have to look at an awful lot to get through the game! You can always add a "Be thankful I'm not showing you all this" comment, as St. Eddie does from time to time.

Overall, looking good!

[Darth Marsden]

Too many images, check. I'll try and cut back a bit.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



As I'm sure you recall, we're outside now. So let me give you a basic rundown of what there is in this area via the magic of a text overlay:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-120-Guide_zps852fb66c.png

As you can probably guess, Simon is currently in the middle of that circle in the middle of the screen, having just left the temple/pyramid/whatever. Off in the various directions I've indicated are the main items of interest. There's also a phone box (a RED phone box) off to the lower right, but since it's broken and can't be used (YET), I'm not going to show it.

To start, we should probably head over to the temple priest guy on the left.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-121_zps571d8f66.png

...and here he is.

I'm going to sum up the incredibly long and boring conversation you have with him. Be thankful, it goes on for a while. Everyone in this game (except for Simon) takes FOREVER to say their lines, which is irritating if you've got subtitles on and can read rather quickly. Like me.

Basically, the rejoining process worked, but in order to finish it, you need to eat a fruit from the Sacred Tree. Until you do so, Simon will occasionally turn translucent for a second.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-122_zpse454e8db.png

...like so.

So you need to eat a Peach from that Sacred Tree. The game explains that the tree absorbs souls who have died and essentially distills them into peaches filled with 'life energy', and that's what you need to complete the joining process.

BUT (there's always a but).

Before you go out and grab one, you're given this warning about not waiting for one to fall on its own:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-123_zpsf0363ab3.png

I want you to remember that. REMEMBER IT WELL.

The guy also gives you a letter from Calypso, who was the other wizard from the opening cutscene - the one with the staff and Simon's soul. He's from the previous two games, and the game makes no attempt to hide this, which would probably be a bit confusing for new players. You had to rescue him from the villain Sordid in the first game, and he did bugger all in the second game aside from having a hot granddaughter (who was actually fairly hot since that was when the series was still 2D) for Simon to unsubtly lust after in a very unfomfortable manner.

...sorry, got a bit sidetracked there.

Simon automaticaly reads the letter, which triggers another long and boring cutscene. I'll summarize it for you. I'm too good to you people, I really am.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-124_zpsbf97774d.png

"Dear Simon,

Blah blah blah.

Come to Poliganis and meet me ASAP so I can explain what's going on.

Blah blah blah.

Also, there's a hot chick here you'll probably want to meet. Well, I say hot, but you'll have to rely on fan-art to establish that because she looks like someone tried to made a sex doll out of painted blocks of polystyrene.

Blah blah blah.

Love, Calypso."

So there you go. There's a few other things we need to do here, so we might as well get them over with. Let's head to the top of the pyramid thing first.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-125_zps3ea42d65.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-126_zps9d75520d.png

I'll skip over this guy's dialogue as well.

Actually, I'll pretty much be skipping over EVERYONE'S dialogue, since (as already stated) they take forever to get to the point. So you'll be seeing me doing a lot of summarizing from this point on. Good? Bad? Whatever. It's my Let's Play, and I'll do it however I want. So there.

The guy up there is the Keeper of the Soul Bell. Every time someone dies untimely, he rings the bell to guide souls to the Spirit Tree. He's been doing this for seven years and he's bloody knackered, pretty much running solely on caffeine. A bit like me then, ba-dum tish.

But we don't want anything to do with him (yet). So we're just gonna nick the telescope in the bottom left there. BECAUSE WE CAN.

(OK, Simon actually just tries to use it, but he barely touches it and it comes loose. so he figures 'what the hell')

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-127_zpsebc55caa.png

We now have two new inventory items. The lens, which fell out the minute we pick up the telescope, and the main body of the scope itself. One of these will be used in a reasonable manner. The other... well, you'll see.

We're gonna head over to the buildings now. Remember them? They were on the right side of the earlier picture.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-128_zps745b18fb.png

Oh no, sorry. We have to go through a pointless bit of corridor first. FOR NO GOOD REASON. This is an ill omen.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-129_zpse564bd95.png

Anyway. There's a bunch of buildings here. You can go in one, but it's basically a barn, and we've no use for it yet so I won't bother showing it until the time comes. The only other building we can enter... we can't enter JUST yet. So let's head to the back corner of this area, where we find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-130_zps7100e719.png

...uh. What's this guy doing?

He won't respond if you just try to talk to him. In fact, the only way to get him to talk to you is to actually enter the pool of water he's standing in, at which point he asks...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-131_zpsfb2f2308.png

More summarizing!

The guy's name is Judas - nicely subtle there, game - and he's in this pool of water (actually the Pool of Punishment™) because he took a peach from the Sacred Tree and ate it. Remember earlier when I told you to, well, remember something?

Do you remember what that was?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-123_zpsf0363ab3.png

So that means that in taking that peach, he inadvertently took the life of an innocent. Wow. This takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

And does the game focus on this point at all?

Nope.

*sigh*

He tells us that he wants us to take his Chakara away from him (to remove future temptation or some bollocks), and that he left it under his bed in his house. We can now enter said house - the game wouldn't let us before - and retrieve said item, so let's do that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-132_zps0007d084.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-133_zpsc25eb2b9.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-134_zps48fb218e.png

...yes, those are indeed naughty magazines. You have to pick them up to get the Chakara.

Actually, at this point I seem to recall the original unpatched version of the game having a glitch that stopped you from progressing at this point. I think it stopped you from crouching? I can't find any reference to it on the net, but I swear I am NOT making this up. It happened the very first time I played this game, years ago. Honest!

Anyway. Not only do we now have some adult magazines (featuring Nuns, no less!), but we've also found the Chakara. Simon promptly shows it to us.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-135_zpsf77d3c7b.png

That's not a Chakara! It's a... a...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Discworld_zps8f13fd69.png

Yes, that's it. A kite. Honestly, who are they trying to fool here? Right, so let's go and commit the most horrible crime possibl-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-136_zps754485de.png

*groan*

Long story short, she tells you how to use the kite. You equip it in the 'In-Hand' position and then use it. You'll go to a First-Person mode, from which you'll need to aim it and use it like you would an actual weapon. Only you can't use the mouse. And the movement keys are awkward to use. And there's no crosshair. Hmm.

Apparently using it can let you grab items from a distance. You really won't use it all that much though, so chances are by the time you'll actually need to use it again (which doesn't happen for a couple of hours) you'll have forgotten all about it. Wonderful.

Anyway. That's all she say-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-137_zps431a5e13.png

...is she actively telling you to do what I think she's telling you to do?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-123_zpsf0363ab3.png

Why do I have to keep reminding people of this? EATING A PEACH EARLY KILLS SOMEONE. I don't care how light-hearted and brightly coloured your game is, this is not something I want to do!

But, naturally, the game won't let me progress until I do, so here we go.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-138_zps80c1bd39.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-139_zpsb831a8e7.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-140_zps951ae677.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-141_zpscff0926e.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-142_zpsfb335fe4.png

...and having taken but ONE BITE of the thing, he promptly throws it away.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-143_zps1322eb4a.png

Oh no, I'm sure NOTHING bad will come of this.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-144_zps853661f8.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-145_zps7eb55ea7.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-146_zps7fe6bfc4.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-147_zps35bd9822.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-148_zps6b0f7bfc.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-148-Achievement_zpsa746e6bf.png

...look it up.

And how does Simon celebrate his rejoining?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-149_zpse7351e61.png

...by buying a can of Croca Cola. Party time!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-150_zpse332e1bb.png

Anyway, it's time to leave. We talk to the priest guy (who doesn't say anything important) and then head for the gate. The guard there (who you can JUST see behind Simon's head) now lets us out and into the big wide world.

And I do mean BIG.

...but we'll leave that 'til next time.

[der_ketzer]

The LP is now at the point where I just gave up on the game because I couldn't take this bullshit any more and because there was no more room in my hose. The game made me kill too many people...

[Darth Marsden]

I'm gonna have to start a count of all the felonies Simon commits. Theft is the least serious.

[flesk]

Too many images, check. I'll try and cut back a bit.

Overall I think you've found a good balance, but it was a bit much with the hidden path and those death scenes.

I'm enjoying this immensely, but seeing this makes me glad I never actually played the game. Teen me must have had pretty good taste for not picking this up back then, even with the limited number of games I had any interest in at the time and despite being a big fan of the two first installments in the series.

EDIT: Wait, this came out two years after Escape from Monkey Island!? EfMI might not hold up too well graphics wise, but it still looks a lot better than this atrocity.

[WarpSpeed]

Are you sure you're not playing as the bad guy in this game?

Ah well, this latest installment does a better job of only showing the interesting/important images, thanks!

[Alcoremortis]

EDIT: Wait, this came out two years after Escape from Monkey Island!? EfMI might not hold up too well graphics wise, but it still looks a lot better than this atrocity.

Hell, Escape looks positively gorgeous compared to this.

http://assets2.ignimgs.com/2000/11/09/monkeyisland4010-193332_320w.jpg

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a236/Imperator26/EFMI04.jpg

[GuruGuru214]

Oh god, you're right. After staring at a series of Simon 3D screenshots, Escape looks fucking beautiful.

[Alcoremortis]

I think it's because of all the detail. There were no truly barren scenes in Escape. Maybe you couldn't interact with all the stuff, but there was always tons of things in the background to look at. It's one of the things that I don't think got enough credit in the game.

By today's standards, it hasn't aged well, but I remember starting up the game after playing those early 3D Harry Potter games and being completely blown away by how pretty it was in comparison.

[Darth Marsden]

Time to completely and utterly blow your minds.

Simon the Sorcerer 3D is made with the NDL NetImmerse 3D engine.

Would you like to see some other games that used the NDL NetImmerse engine?

Freedom Force vs the Third Reich:
http://pcmedia.ign.com/pc/image/article/573/573834/freedom-force-vs-the-third-reich-20041215070018042-000.jpg

Oddworld: Munch's Odyssey:
http://www.oddworld.com/wp-content/gallery/munchs-oddysee/2.jpg

Call of Cthulhu - Dark Corners of the Earth:
http://img.gamespot.com/gamespot/images/2005/137/928237_20050518_screen001.jpg

...and my personal favourite, and the one that's really makes everyone go "WHAT?", fucking Morrowind:
http://people.rit.edu/~mjh8496/imm/media/morro1.jpg

And for comparison's sake, here's Simon 3D again:
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-149_zpse7351e61.png

...doesn't quite hold up, does it?

[GuruGuru214]

dafuq?

You really weren't kidding about the programmers being lazy.

[Alcoremortis]

Yeah... Normally I don't really complain about graphics, but this is definitely a case of not going the full mile.

[Darth Marsden]

It's a combination of the developers' lack of experience with 3D and the fact that the game apparently went gold two years before it actually came out in 2002. Had it come out in 2000...

...well, it would still look awful.

[Jennifer]

The demo is in German, of course.
Oh well. Us English speakers still get the gist of it at least.

Basically the opening cutscene from the demo takes about a fifth as long as the actual game, which takes almost 8 minutes from hitting New Game to actually being able to first control Simon. When I said I was getting Daikatana flashbacks, I wasn't kidding (I did say I was getting Daikatana flashbacks, right?).
I found a site that still has the demo in English here (http://agsarchives.com/gamecard/644/simon-the-sorcerer-3.html). It's too bad Adventuresoft was forced to go 3D for this, as it seems like it might be at least a decent game in 2D.

[corruptbiggins]

I think you're blaming the programmers a bit too much especially when they aren't really the ones who actually make the 3D models and stuff, they just implement it.

[DAISHI]

Darth Marsden just made me WTF big time with the polygon engine comparison.

[Secret Fawful]

That Call of Cthulhu screenshot is from the canceled sequel, but yeah....

[Syd]

I was never exactly a big fan of Escape from Monkey Island's art style, but it looks incredible compared to Simon 3D. I know that Escape has the advantage of detailed pre-rendered backgrounds, but ignoring the backgrounds and just comparing the character models, the difference is still astounding.

Also, like those examples showed, the engine itself is not an excuse as it was capable of much more. The artists working on Simon 3D either had to have not known what they were doing (or at least were somehow totally unaware of the expected visual quality of PC games at the time), or they just didn't care.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



So we step through that gate and emerge...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-151_zps03058245.png

Hmm. Where... where do I go?

Let's put ourselves into the minds of people new to this game (which I suspect most of you are). What do you do? You're supposed to get to Poliganis to meet up with Calypso, but how do you get there? Is that a phone box? What good is that? You don't want to phone anyone! Where IS everything?

Maybe if you just start running around, you'll find something... (http://youtu.be/wABvoUxKAxg).

...

...did you watch the video? You should before continuing with this.

...

...OK?

Yeah. When I said this game is HUGE, that's what I meant. The world is absolutely massive, even having to be split into TWO SEPERATE MAPS, but there's only a few things scattered around it. There was absolutely NO NEED FOR THIS. I understand having a 3D world gives you the option of doing something like this, but for an adventure game this is possibly one of the worst things you can do!

*sigh*

OK, obviously I've exaggerated this a little. I've deliberately chosen a path that doesn't have anything on it in order to really ram the point, and there's a few random events I've already triggered that would normally stop you, mostly in the second map. But even so, this is still an entirely possible thing to have happen.

As is happens, those phone boxes:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-152_zps8f384063.png

Yeah, those. They're actually warp booths (because THAT makes perfect sense), and if you enter one, you get this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-153_zps51013623.png

Yep, it's a map. Exactly the sort of thing the previous games had, and WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHOWN WHEN WE ENTERED THIS OVERWORLD.

Excuse me while I go and have a mini freakout over this.

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m28qqaxdIY1r3tjwm.gif

...ah, that's better.

Oh, no, wait - I forgot to mention that there are some thing that AREN'T ON THE MAP.

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrpib5pXnp1qiia8n.gif

Yes, there are items that take place in between loactions that are on the map. Like this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-154_zpsfb4837f7.png

And you NEED this. YOU NEED THAT SIGN.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-155_zps3a9b06aa.png

...what?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-156_zpsd5fcf375.png

Oh, it's the woodworms from the first game. Whatever. I'll just take that sign and be on my way.

Somehow, on my wanders, I discover this guy:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-157_zpsb928f21d.png

His deal is that he wants some magic beans, just like that Jack and the Beanstalk thing, and in return he'll give you Daisy, the cow.

Oh, and there's a bunch of incest jokes. They aren't funny. They're just uncomfortable.

Up next:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-158_zps46de2f75.png

Oh hey, it's that guy we killed. If I were a more talented sprite artist, I'd make a gif of Simon dancing on his corpse, but since I suck at that sort of thing, we'll just move on.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-159_zps609f8031.png

Ah, this is S.I.G.N. - Signal Integrated Golem Narrative. He's basically a talking sign that can direct you ANYWHERE. Not much else to say about him, except that he likes a drink (a quirk his maker installed in him), and when Simon won't give him one, he says this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-160_zps456a143d.png

I like him.

NEXT!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-161_zpsad5ed831.png

This guy's a treasure hunter and he's somehow got himself stuck in a hole he dug. He offers to share whatever he digs up in future with you if you get him out.

Naturally, you might think we have to help him out.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-Wrong_zps04802f94.png

No, we just steal the metal detector he's holding and leave him there.

What makes this puzzle REALLY frustrating is the fact that not only do you need to use your kite to get the metal detector, but you have to be standing in exactly the right spot, so it's not likely to be something you'd guess at doing, and even if it was, you'd probably give up before you actually managed to do it.

Man, FUCK 3D.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-162_zpsbe459e26.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-162-Achievement_zps8bac2ae2.png

The fairy godmother then pops up to give us a tutorial on how to use it. I'll skip that (thank god), though I will note that it happens RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUY YOU STOLE IT FROM. Just to up the asshole quota even more.

Anyway. I use the metal detector, and shortly thereafter find treasure!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-163_zps2381eb4e.png

So we need to use the sign from earlier to dig it up. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Sodding adventure game logic.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-164_zps3485a248.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-165_zpsc7180f24.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-166_zpse87c05cf.png

MARVEL AT THE WONDEROUS 3D GRAPHICS!

...apparently it's a load of dirty washers. Looks like dirt from where I'm standing sitting, but whatever, I'll go with it.

I can combine these washers with the can of Cola I bought earlier to clean them. Actually, this does make a bit of sense, since if you drop a coin into a glass of coke it will clean it, but it's still a bit of a leap. Anyway. We now have a bunch of shiny washers. Oh joy.

NEXT!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-167_zpsc6b247c0.png

Ah, finally. The bridge to Poliganis.

...where's the bridge?

Ugh. I should have guessed. OK, let's talk to the guy on the other side.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-168_zps0ca537c3.png

OK. He's trying to get across so he can enter the Gnome Flinging Contest. One of his rivals cut the bridge down to stop him, apparently. He's willing to help us get across if Simon wins the contest and gives him the trophy.

Of course. So winning this contest is the main goal of this chapter.

...and we'll continue on with it next time, because I've got a massive headache coming on and need a break from this insanity.

[RingmasterJ5]

The title of that video made me want to replace the audio with an excerpt from this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ousaiByU1ko), but I couldn't find where to cut it.

Good LP so far, though.

[DAISHI]

This thread is where computers go to die.

[Darth Marsden]

This thread is where my sanity goes to die.

I've just finished another session with the game, and it pissed me off to no end. SO many sections where the 3D engine resulted in a frustrating experience. OH SO MANY. If I wasn't doing a full review of this I'd have rage-quit so many times...

The sad thing is, at the rate this Let's Play is going, I won't get to talk about them for quite some time. :(

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.

Here's where I have to come clean and admit that I did the events in a different order to the way I'm showing them here. This is particularly obvious if you pay attention to how much money I have - it's in the first of the three boxes displayed in the upper right of the screenshots.

The reason I'm doing this is fairly simple - by reorganising the events of the game, I can tell more of a cohesive story, as opposed to the jumbled mess that was my actual gaming experience.

I appreciate that, narratively, I should have gone straight to the bridge (to establish we need the trophy from the gnome flinging contest), then the actual gnome flinging contest (to establish what we're going to do and what we need for it) and then all the various little bits that sprang forth from there. However, that would have required going to several locations (the contest specifically) multiple times, and it also wouldn't have reflected how spaced out everything is.

While the order I'm presenting events isn't perfect, I feel it's a good middle ground between the order I actually did discover them while playing and an order that makes sense structurally.

...anywa, I've babbled on long enough. Let's get to the madness.



OK. What's next?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-169_zpsbe7e8782.png

Ah, this guy. He's a butterfly collector, and asks us to go and do his job for him. He gives us a net and a specimin jar, and tells us he'll pay us groats - the currency used in this series - for every butterfly we collect.

Yes, we're really going to go and waste time collecting butterflies. What can I say? We need the money.

But before we go do that, we're gonna nick the book he's got in his back pocket.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-170_zpsa01ba162.png

It turns out to be, of all things, a guide to butterflies.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-171_zps375e76aa.png

WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?

Actually, we need this to point out that the purple butterfly, the Purple Emperor, is worth 250 groats. If we catch this, we're pretty much set for the majority of the game, so it's worth doing.

So let's go catch some butterflies.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-172_zpsd311a687.png

...which is a pain in the ass, make no mistake. First of all, the game doesn't tell you where the butterflies appear. It's actually in the field NEXT to where the magic bean-wanting inbred yokel is. Good luck realizing that though, since you have to spend about 30 seconds in said field until the bloomin' butterflies even spawn.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-173_zps1976b93e.png

So you'll spend a lot of time waiting around. When the butterflies do finally bother to show up...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-174_zpsd2714ee7.png

...they only spawn in one at a time. Which, incidentally, is the same amount you can carry.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-175_zps6303c3a1.png

Catching them's a pain in the arse too. It's not so bad once you've figured out the trick - only swing when they're a little to the left of you - but until you've got the pattern down, you'll get rather frustrated.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-176_zpsb8094124.png

Aha! Caught one!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-177_zps77f44a71.png

It's worth pointing out that the Purple Emperor won't show up until you've given any random butterfly to the collector and he specifically asks you to find one for him. So yeah, fun times.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-178_zps13bca47c.png

You have to repeat this process of waiting for a butterfly to spawn, catching it and then releasing it if it's not purple about a dozen times. This took about 15 minutes in total until FINALLY:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-179_zpsbd02ed9d.png

Huzzah. And here's where you needed the book, because otherwise the collecter tries to give you WAY less than the 250 by claiming it's a common type.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-180_zps5faa885c.png

Yeah, no.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-181_zpsb74c4969.png

Not having that, bitch. You stole 15 minutes of my life. GIVE ME MY FUCKING 250.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-182_zps60deb750.png

Yeah. That's what I'm talking 'bout. Ka-ching.

(For the record, I then went on to grab a few more butterflies, just for the hell of it. It explains why my wallet - the number in the left-hand box in the upper right of the screen - will show over 300 groats)

OK, what's next?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-183_zpse3eea58e.png

Ah yes, the Gnome Flinging Contest.

I talked with both of the other contestants before finding out what was going on, but I'm going to skip that because they contribute absolutely nothing except to show off how the developers went out of their way to make Simon seem like less of a unlikeable git by making everyone else even more unlikeable.

It almost works. Until Simon says something, of course, and then the illusion is shattered. Oh well.

Anyway. Here's how the contest works.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-184_zps6c0f15b6.png

Like the man says. You have to provide your own gnome though.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-185_zps0def0939.png

So far, the highest scoring contestant (this dick) has gotten a 9, so to beat him, we'll need to hit a bullseye.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-186_zpsf41c6946.png

Oh, and yes - that is a living creature we'll be firing at the board.

...

So let's go and register!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-187_zpsbec099b7.png

In order to sign up for the event, we need 50 groats, which is why I did the butterfly thing BEFORE coming here. Since we've got more than enough cash as a result of that, we can go right ahead and sign up.

We already know the rules, so we'll skip the majority of the speech we get. Except for this little bit:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-188_zps98e5b0c1.png

Yes. A bowl. For the chilli.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-189_zps2845744a.png

...apparently gnome flingers get chilli. Well, why not.

Simon eats the chilli, but spits out the kidney beans, claiming not to like them. They're not magic, sadly, but that doesn't mean we can't do anything with them, oh no.

Before we go though, I just need to clarify. Are there any restrictions to what we can use to fire our gnomes, or can I use whatever?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-190_zps7017a39b.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-191_zps2b9e77da.png

And if that seems like an oddly specific thing for him to say, then you're not alone.

...

Yes, we will be firing a gnome at a target board using a dynamite powered telescope tube.

...this is why I fucking hate adventure games sometimes.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



Up next is...

...well, this might be a bit hard to explain using just screenshots, but I'll do my best.

So, there's this rock, right?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-192_zps3feb0344.png

Yeah, this one. It's marked on the map as a Hint Rock, though there's no phone booth next to it and, all told, there's nothing you can do with it.

EXCEPT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-193_zpse0998c7d.png

Yeah, you can go around it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-194_zps96153f86.png

I'd like to point out that I didn't even know you could walk waist-deep in the water - given how bad the collision detection is in this game, I doubt any of YOU did either - so naturally, trying this didn't even occur to me.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-195_zps6c6f6558.png

This isn't a short path, either. It's a solid minute of waking through waist-deep water, because you can't go any faster. It's tedious, frustrating and, of course, ESSENTIAL.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-196_zps6e04e28e.png

EVENTUALLY the path comes to an end at a little area.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-197_zpsada73eb7.png

Complete with phone box so we never need to do that again, thank Christ.

Now, if we examine that pile of boulders, we can hear that there's an occasional 'thwack'. There's clearly someone behind there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-198_zpsd0165412.png

There's a dwarf trapped behind the rocks, and he wants us to help him out. He's going to stick some dynamite in a hole for us to light.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-199_zpsd8c4cac9.png

Like so.

Unfortunately, when trying to solve this puzzle, the game crashed. I had just saved though (as I am wont to do every 5 minutes or so in adventure games) so I didn't lose too much progress, but I still felt it worthy of mention. I have to say, the game is nowhere near as unstable as I'd have thought it'd be. Still crashes every couple of hours, but I tend to use that as a sign that I should take a break and do something else for a bit. God bless you for doing your civic duty in getting kids to take breathers, AdventureSoft!

...ahem.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-200_zps16c9865a.png

Ooo, lens flare.

Anyway. Utilizing adventure game logic, we use the lens that fell out of the telescope to light the dynamite, resulting in...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-201_zpse2139ff8.png

KABOOM!

Yeah, it's actually rather underwhelming, as I'm sure you guessed.

Anyway, we've managed to free this guy:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-202_zps55f4ac2e.png

He's the king of the dwarves, and he's hungry, apparently. As thanks for helping him out, we can take some of his mining supplies - namely, the dynamite - and if we get him some fish, he'll give us HAMMOR, his mighty dwarven hammer.

Hmm... HAMMOR, huh? Let's humour him. Let's go get him some fish.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-203_zpsad1d3439.png

Well, there's some fish in this part of the map, but they're too fast to grab by hand. So.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-204_zps92606698.png

We climb up this convenient diving board thing (while noting the graphical glitch where the water meets the land)...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-205_zps3f7e673e.png

...light some dynamite (by combining it with the lens - thankfully the game doesn't show Simon doing this) and throwing it into the water.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-206_zps0dd7834d.png

Unfortunately, the lit fuse is extinguished by the water. :(

...wait. What about the specimen jar?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-207_zpsd48857e8.png

A-ha! Good thing we've already gotten the 50 groats needed to enter the gnome flinging contest, or we'd be stuffed.

...well, actually, you can use the metal detector to find a few groats here and there on the ground, but it's rather random where they are and they're always small amounts - a mere three each time, IIRC - so if you didn't catch enough butterflies, you're gonna be spending a lot of time running around looking for cash.

So. Let's drop the now safely contained TNT into the water.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-208_zps4658eb42.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-209_zps241723ec.png

The game then cuts to Simon, so we don't even get to see the explosion. Lazy motherfuckers.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-210_zpsc606d5d6.png

I so desperately want the A-Team to come crashing down from the sky in a tank to take this asshole out.

Oh well, let's go pick up some barbecued fish.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-211_zps988bb5da.png

No shit, Sherlock.

...wait, did I say that already? Ah, whatever, back to the dwarf.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-212_zpsc59272ff.png

And here's what we get in return. HAMMOR. Isn't it beautiful?

...no, it doesn't have any mystical properties. It's just a hammer. But it's a really cool looking hammer!

The dwarf then returns to the mines to help his people. They're fighting a dragon, apparently. Remember that, it'll come into play some 15 hours later.

OK. What next?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-213_zps4f404756.png

Right, we need a gnome. So let's go and get one fro-

...oo, was that candy?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-214_zpsd8eb4566.png

It IS candy!

...oh wait, it's those horrible ones from Licorice Allsorts. Bleh. Well, let's hope Simon likes them more than I do.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-215_zps535446c4.png

He does! Huzzah. (sorry about the lens flare - not a lot I can do about that)

This actually starts a little chase sequence where you have to collect the next set of sweets. It's started by walking over that first set of sweets, and then another appears. You have to pick it up before time runs out, and then another one appears, and so on.

This wouldn't be too bad, but the sweets are actually rather widely spaced out, and there's one that appears almost directly behind you ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A HILL SO THAT YOU CAN'T SEE IT. Took me a few goes to find it.

Eventually they lead you to that purple spot on the ground you may remember from that video I posted.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-216_zps6e1ebc56.png

...yeah, this one. And once you get that last sweet...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-217_zpsfcfc450a.png

...this appears.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-218_zpse62bfb95.png

Yep, it's the Gingerbread House. Makes sense that sweets would lead here. It's just a shame they were so awkwardly placed - it seemed to be solely to make use of the 3D engine rather than because it was a good idea. Oh well.

As you might expect, we can indeed go inside, and we'll do that next time. So... many... images...

[der_ketzer]

That lense flare is the best looking thing in the game so far.

[Darth Marsden]

Sadly, you're not wrong. And it's still irritating 'cause it half-blinds you.

*sigh*

[Secret Fawful]

Oh I thought Simon had found a temporal warp to another dimension or something.

A dimension of pain...

[Darth Marsden]

That'd be the dimension I'M in. Oh so much pain...

[der_ketzer]

Maybe you should take a Painkiller then.
http://icons.iconarchive.com/icons/3xhumed/mega-games-pack-36/256/Painkiller-Black-Edition-8-icon.png
(I mean a good game to play inbetween)

[Darth Marsden]

A-ha, I see what you did there.

(I'm playing Lego Pirates while waiting for the videos to convert. Does that count?)

[der_ketzer]

Yes. It does.

[GuruGuru214]

Doing my part to bump to the next page, because as much as I really enjoyed reading through those last parts, I don't really need to watch them scroll past as the page loads.

[Darth Marsden]

Well, that should just about do it. Next post should be on a new page. :)

EDIT: Oh, bumflaps. One of the videos I've recorded appears to be corrupted. How frustrating.

*sigh*

I'll have to use screengrabs from someone else's video playthough when I get to that bit then. Dammit.

[Alcoremortis]

Doing my part to bump to the next page, because as much as I really enjoyed reading through those last parts, I don't really need to watch them scroll past as the page loads.

Yeah, and I'm using Chrome, which for some reason refuses to show a scroll bar unless I start two-finger scrolling and then quickly jump over to the side of the page and grab the bar during the split second it appears. I normally don't mind except that in this case, the scroll bar is so much faster than two-finger scrolling.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



OK, so we were at the Gingerbread house. Let's head inside and see what atrocities the game will have us commit this time.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-219_zps36a205ec.png

OH MY GOD THOSE GRAPHICS, etc.

Anybody home?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-220_zpsb3d8aa01.png

Aw man, but stealing stuff's the whole point of adventure games! Weak!

Wait a second... where IS the witch? Maybe we can reason with her? Do a trade perhaps?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-221_zpse2ecb5c1.png

Oh. I can't help but feel a little let down by that.

Never mind - let's go rummage around and see what's here. We might not be able to nick anything but that doesn't mean we can't still...

...uh...

...hmm. It might limit our actions here somewhat, I guess. Oh well. Let's have a look round anyway.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-222_zps8c266bdf.png

Ah. Now that book could be useful. Might it teach us an actual spell, so that Simon can live up to the name of Sorcerer?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-223_zpsd2eedff3.png

Is that IT? Lame...

...oh, wait - we needed magic beans, didn't we? Or, rather, that inbred yokel (don't look at me, that's what the game calls him) needed. OK, let's go for it then.

The recipe says that we need kidney beans, water, sugar and vegetable extracts, and we mix those with the sweat of a frog.

...well, OK then.

Now we have kidney beans, from that chilli. So we might as well throw that into the cauldron behind us.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-224_zps1c6e8d03.png

It's a little hard to see, but the small red things by Simon's fingers are the beans.

As for the water, sugar and vegetable extracts... well, your average carbonated beverage has all of those, so let's see if that's what the game wants.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-225_zps71babdbb.png

Yep!

(Actually, I had to go and get a new can, since, if you recall, we used the last one on the washers. I skipped showing me doing that - you're welcome)

As for the frog sweat... we'll have to come back to that, I think. Let's get back to exploring the house.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-226_zps86a3f744.png

A spinning wheel, eh?

Hang on - lemme try and remember my Disney films. Didn't Princess... was it Aurora? Whatever - didn't she prick her finger on this and fall asleep?

That could be useful. Let's see if we can use it or somethin-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-227_zps5d2190eb.png

Oh, Simon. You IDIOT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-228_zps616edb5a.png

There, you see. You're dead now. You're dead because you're stupid. You're stupid, and you're dead.

We then get a minute of nothing but a blank screen, punctuated only by a very foppish sounding man saying things like this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-229_zps4c1a6bc5.png

...you can probably guess where this is going, can't you.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-230_zpsf1e81504.png

BOW CHICKA BOW-WOW! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjFdCR4dyvk)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-231_zpsb2d0f7bd.png

Oh you big prude.

(Fun fact - Simon kisses more men than women in this game)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-232_zpsa17460d8.png

Oh, it's the running joke that never gets old. Mostly because it died on the second go, and you don't age when you're already dead.

Anyway. This is Prince Valiant. He's a Hero, he does incredibly noble things, and is far superior to Simon in every single way because he doesn't do horrible, vicious things to people in order to save the day.

So naturally we're going to do something horribly vicious to him.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-233_zpscaedc68d.png

Like, say, give him the needle to repair his torn shirt.

And the second he walks out of the door with it...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-234_zps3ac68ef0.png

...ah.

Yeah, it's pretty much just a sound effect, which is rather hard to get across in a series of screenshots.

Imagine the sound of a boulder rolling down a hill and then smacking into a pile of dirt. That's pretty much the sound we get. It's not particularly magical at all.

Oh well. Let's go and see what's happened to him then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-235_zps85928f8e.png

Yes, we've turned the greatest hero of the land into a fucking FROG.

I. HATE. THIS. GAME.

So we pick him up, as well as the needle he took with him. It's still got enough poison on it to send one more person to sleep, according to what Prince Valiant said before we conned him into becoming an amphibian.

...wait. Didn't the recipe for magic beans call for frog's sweat?

Oh, I think the game's going to make me do another horrible thing, isn't it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-236_zps1fbff535.png

Are... are you shitting me? You're going to make me put the froggified Prince Valiant into a fucking furnace?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-237_zps1a8b071c.png

...this... this isn't funny.

This is SICK.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-238_zps2e215c2b.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-238-Achievement_zpsc2225e29.png

...I think this officially makes Simon the most despicable video game character I've ever controlled. AND I'VE PLAYED EVIL GENIUS.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-239_zps9138d872.png

...

Look, let's just get him out and never speak of this again.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-240_zps0d156785.png

I thoroughly despise you for this. Do us all a favour and shut yourself in the damn furnace.

*sigh*

Let's get the sweat in the cauldron then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-241_zps59d57434.png

Oh for Christ's sake, you're not even being gentle, you tosser!

At least I ASSUME you're not. It's hard to tell, what with your hands being massive boxes with lines painted on them. Jesus, these graphics are AWFUL.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-242_zps60b95c0a.png

You 'sort of' feel responsible?

YOU TRICKED HIM INTO BEING TURNED INTO A FROG, THEN YOU BAKED HIM ALIVE AND SQUEEZED OUT HIS SWEAT! OF COURSE YOU'RE FUCKING RESPONSIBLE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

...I really can't take much more of this, guys. I am officially playing the most unlikeable, unpleasant cockbite in the history of video games.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-243_zpse27f2262.png

Right. Magic beans. OK. Let's go give 'em to the yokel. I hope they were bloody worth it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-244_zps4badd282.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-245_zps5880a046.png

...OK, that's faintly amusing.

The cow then runs off to the building next to the Chamber of Rebirth (or, rather, next to the guy in the pool), so let's head over there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-246_zpsf98d7ec3.png

Remember how I skipped over a building? Yep, this is it. Impressive, isn't it.

Daisy the cow's on the left there. We use the machine she's on, and we get some butter. Fantastic. Quite frankly I'm amazed nobody got hurt in the process.

...oh. I just had a horrible, horrible idea.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-247_zps1037944c.png

Remember this guy? I mentioned he was tired and basically running on caffeine. Let's try pricking him with the needle and letting him doze off.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-248_zps987238d0.png

JESUS CHRIST! That wasn't a prick, that was a full-on STAB ATTACK! Oh god, the sound effect...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-249_zpsb673cf40.png

Oh god... oh no... tell me he's not-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-250_zpsbc0a2ed0.png

http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/1193416_o.gif

Did I... did I just kill him?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-251_zpscb76e3f4.png

Oh god, I did! Oh dear god! I didn't want this! I just meant to knock him out!

WHY? WHY WOULD THE GAME MAKE ME DO THIS?

I don't even want to take the bell now! I don't even want to play any more!

[Syd]

Oh Simon, you heartless bastard. Murdering people with that ever-present smirk on your face.

It's easy to see that they were attempting to write Simon as a likable jerk, but for some reason they completely left out the "likable" part, and that's pretty important. They could have just continued writing him with the personality he had in the first game, and it would have been fine. Sure, his original incarnation was a bit bland, but it was infinitely better than this.

Also, love all those closeups that are shoving the horrible graphics into the player's face. Giant cube hands!

[Secret Fawful]

I thought I was going to have something funny to say about all of this, but I've got nothing.

[der_ketzer]

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. A funny Adventure game. For kids!

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.

I'm gonna try and limit the number of screenshots in each part to around 25. Just for the record.



So after we caused the death of the Keeper of the Bell (the game never actually explicitly says he's dead, but let's be honest - he is) we promptly stole said bell. Well, it's not as if the dude's going to be needing it any more. Although since the point of the bell is to guide souls who have untimely died to the Sacred Tree, he really DOES need it now. Oh well.

We now have almost everything we need for the gnome flinging contest... except an actual gnome to fling. So let's go get one.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-252_zps1a805ab4.png

Now you may recall this place. It's where I was distracted by the sweets. This is the gnome village of, and I kid you not, Dungnomin' Village. Oh, my sides.

Let's head in and see if we can't find us a willing gnome.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-253_zpsebb47f7b.png

Here's another thing you probably wouldn't figure out on your own. If you try and use the door while standing up, Simon won't do it, claiming it's too small. You have to crouch, THEN use the door.

ADVENTURE GAME LOGIC!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-254_zps10b9f912.png

Your mere appearance in the village causes everyone to run away and hide. Honestly, I can't say I blame them. I'd hide too if I saw Simon coming my way, nightmarish hellspawn that he is.

We do still need a gnome though, so let's see if we can tempt one out.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-255_zps43c7c25c.png

Yes, I know this image is pointless, I just wanted to point out the graphical glitch. :)

The only house we can reach is on the right, so let's head that way.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-256_zps2093d462.png

Yeah, this is the one. Now apparently gnomes have a love of shiny things (although how you're supposed to figure this out I don't know, since the game gives you NO hints about this), so let's try using the washers here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-257_zps27dafd68.png

Aha! (Look by Simon's left hand - these screenshots are a lot darker than I remember the game being)

Now we can't just grab the guy, since he'll fight back, biting Simon's hand and escaping. All actions I approve of. But dammit, we need that gnome, so we have to do something typically awful to it. Like, say, trap it under the bell.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-258_zps43d4d7a8.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-259_zpseb0c98fa.png

Well, actually, that wasn't so bad.

Of course, we still can't take the gnome, since he'll just fight back again. So what do we do now?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-260_zps81618076.png

Well of COURSE we whack the bell with HAMMOR, likely making the poor little guy deaf in the process. What else did you expect?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-261_zps2ff34ad1.png

This doesn't come across too well in screenshots, sorry. Mind you, it doesn't look particularly good in motion either, so it's a moot point either way.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-262_zps6f02d2f6.png

UNDERSTATEMENT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-263_zpse1556115.png

Again, it doesn't come across in screenshots, but the guy's VIBRATING. No wonder he feels weird.

Well, we have all we need to take part in the gnome flinging contest. I hope you're ready for this.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-264_zpseb05ab05.png

OK. So we head back to the contest and load up our... dynamite powered telescope tube. Yes, he was serious when he said that.

First, we pop some dynamite into the telescope (the game doesn't show you doing this, it's all done on the inventory screen).

Next we try and put the gnome into the telescope.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-265_zpsbbfdb809.png

Oh.

Hmm. Maybe we can grease him up with someth-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-266_zps835610e7.png

BUTTER. Naturally.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-267_zps02c661eb.png

And now he slides in nicely.

Time to do something else horribly evil.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-268_zpsc87e44d9.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-269_zps3e313843.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-270_zps5bd115bc.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-271_zps9b5d6b8e.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-272_zpsb4ff2319.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-273_zpse8fcead5.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-274_zpsb00c1827.png

...can we go one puzzle that doesn't end with Simon killing something? Please?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-274-Achievement_zps1d30b993.png

Anyway. We got the trophy.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-275_zps5913e840.png

I'm not a particularly happy winner, either.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



Right. So now that we've got the trophy, we can give it to the man at the (former) bridge.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-276_zpseb44652d.png

Simon throws it across, and in return, the guy on the other side provides us with...

Wait, what the hell is that?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-277_zpsc111c60e.png

Oh, you prick.

Well, it's all we've got, so we may as well give it a go.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-278_zpsea613791.png

And so begins another 'action sequence'.

The problem with these is that the game simply doesn't explain what you're supposed to do or how the controls work. So we've essentially got to walk across a tightrope to cross this ravine, but we don't know how.

So chances are, this'll happen.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-279_zps298d7190.png

...couldn't happen to a nicer bloke.

What you're actually supposed to do is press left and right alternately when you're on the rope to very slowly step across it. No need to worry about balancing or whatever, you just need to make Simon step forwards.

Once you realize that, it becomes fairly simple, pressing left, waiting half a second, then pressing right, then half a second, left, half a second, right, etc.

The problem then becomes the fact that this takes AGES. It's a good minute and a half of pressing left, then right, then left. It's very boring.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C1-280_zps93d2fbc9.png

Eventually I make it across, and will never have to do it again because by the next time I need to get across someone's rebuilt the bridge proper. Thank the maker.

After heading down the path that follows, we get to...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-001_zpsb3eaf0f1.png

ANOTHER BLOODY CUTSCENE.

And just to kick you in the teeth, the first minute or so has no voices. Yes, it's the bug from earlier in the game, come back to haunt me. The problem is, the cutscene was pretty dull as is, and having no voices just makes it nigh intolerable.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-002_zps445976f1.png

I'll summarise for you. Melissa Leg, as her name turns out to be, needs to find the Swampling, a character from a previous game who proved to be inexplicably popular, probably because he has a voice like someone doing a bad impression of Bluebottle from the Goon Show.

In return for finding the Swampling, Melissa will provide Simon with fuel for his wardrobe, which is how he was transferred to this world in the first second place.

Boom. Done. That took me all of 30 seconds. The game? 5 MINUTES.

*sigh*

It's worth pointing out that Calypso, the wizard who wanted to see us, tells us absolutely nothing important. In fact, his only contribution is to give us a map to McSwampies, the fast food restaurant that Swampling had established prior to the second game.

But enough of this boring conversation. We're in a new location! Let's explore.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-003_zps66756c1c.png

Uh...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-004_zps3e8eb39f.png

Seriously?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-005_zps89294afe.png

Yes, apparently. For ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, this room is located beyond a flight of stairs and a long twisty corridor. This is completely and utterly pointless. The ONLY reason I can think of for doing this is to disuade people from going down here, and that just makes no goddamn sense whatsoever!

Anyway. After spending a minute and a half going through the padding corridor, we emerge into the main room of the pub.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-006_zpsd50ae0a6.png

(The door we just came out of is on the very right edge of the picture there)

The man at the bar is a vacuum cleaner salesman, and he gives us a (frankly pointless) leaflet about them if we talk to him. We can also remind him of the wife who's just left him, which will cause him to down the drink he's got and demand another from the barman, who pours him one from the pump.

The barman, on the other hand, is useless at this point. He does tell us about a ghost that's just taken up residence in the place, but we can't do anything about that for another couple of chapters, so we'll leave it be.

There's also a bottle of whiskey to the right of the barman. Remember that - we'll come back to it soon enough.

Further to the right is another door. We'll go that way.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-007_zps8e5f2072.png

It leads to another corridor. There's two doors here - we'll go in the one marked 'Beer Garden' (if you can make out the lo-res image, that is).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-008_zps2218f1ee.png

There's some BBQ tongs next to, of all things, a BBQ. We'll take the tongs and make a mental note of the BBQ.

That's it for the garden. Let's head back inside to the Games Room.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-009_zpsfeb2f2e8.png

Not a whole bunch in here we can interact with. There's a goblin playing darts we can bet with - it's not too hard to win, and if you do, you win 5 groats. Since I still have 300 by this point, I can safely skip this.

Only other things of note are the fireplace, which means there's a chimney above us somewhere, and the window, which the goblin won't let us open. I sense a contrived puzzle here!

So, with that said and done, let's go outside!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-010_zpsd0ee8f84.png

And here's the map, which (again) only shows when you enter a phone box. Everything's still spaced out, but nowhere near as much as the fields, so I'm more willing to forgive it. It's also fairly linear, which helps immensely.

Anyway. That black dot north-east of where we are now is...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-011_zpsd52465e4.png

Let me explain what's going on here, since the visuals are so terrible it's hard to tell. This is a cart that's broken, so there's a man underneath trying to fix it.

The cart's held up with a jack, and since Simon takes special notice of it, I guess we're going to have to do something awful again, aren't we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-012_zps28381f58.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-013_zps86901eb6.png

For added points, we later find out that as a result of this, the guy under there has broken his back.

...

:D

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-014_zps16667106.png

I'm actually willing him on.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-015_zps20f1f220.png

...topical?

Whatever. Moving on.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-016_zps5414eaf7.png

As I run around town, I inadvertantly run in front of a van. I wasn't even paying attention at the time, I genuinely did it by accident.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-017_zps78d25532.png

...so naturally the guy stops, we have a conversation and I walk away with a free piece of cheese as a result. How? Why? I DON'T KNOW.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-018_zpsff1e2bdb.png

Next up is the warehouse section. Absolutely nothing interesting here - except this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-019_zpsd7453739.png

Yes, that is a box full of copies of The Feeble Files. Simon's actually pretty scathing about it, which is extremely odd. Especially since whatever problems Feeble may have had, at least his game was better than this one.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-020_zps590e9790.png

He takes a disc anyway. Hey, free's free, am I right?



Up next, I aid and abet a known fugitive. Woo!

[der_ketzer]

The Feeble Files has only one problem and that's the mini game section, which is Simon The Sorcerer related.

[Darth Marsden]

I dunno, I thought some of the puzzles were absurdly hard to figure out. And the voices were... eh.

It's still miles better than this though. Light years.

[der_ketzer]

Never played it in English. The German version is excellent.

[Darth Marsden]

I have no reason to doubt you.

[Queen Sars]

This screenshot Let's Play is neat. I vaguely remember this Simon character (never got into his games) I think from an Ad on TV or a magazine back in the day. Nevertheless this game looks frighteningly bad but you're doing a good presentation of it that makes it easy for me to follow. :) Thanks for toiling through it!

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



So I promised a criminal, and by golly if I don't deliver.

But before we do, a quick shot of MucSwampys (yeah, I got the name of it wrong earlier. Sorry. Of course, the game mis-spells it too, so it's not entirely my fault):

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-021_zpsc1da6b98.png

As you can see, it's locked. We're going to have to find some way of opening it so we can rummage around inside and find out where the Swampling has gotten to.

...OK, enough dilly-dallying. Let's go find that outlaw.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-022_zpsf62a60fd.png

Say hello to Goldilocks, everyone!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-023_zpse9497734.png

Actually, yes. Yes she was.

In the second game, she was a fugitive running from the law after being caught breaking and entering the Three Bears House and stealing from them.

She's also got a Cockney accent - it wasn't that bad in the previous game, but here it's being done by someone who's only experience of a cockney is watching Mary Poppins.

It's not very good, is what I'm saying.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-024_zps7f662488.png

She wants us to help her escape. Apparently she can't read too good and got arrested for trying to steal from the Sheriff. Oops.

Naturally, since Simon is the most deviously evil main character I've ever controlled in a game where I'm supposed to be the GOOD guy, we're going to let her out and abuse her lack of education to further our own ends.

She tells us to go and get the key from the Sheriff's office, which is just beyond her.

The question is - what do we get out of the deal? Well, she tells us that she's got half a treasure map, so we pull it out of her bra (fnar fnar) and reveal it's the same map we've got leading to MucSwampys. We automatically show her the complete one Calypso gave us:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-025_zps77074111.png

...and she says that if we get her out, she'll split the treasure with us. Remember, she can't read, so she doesn't know it's a map to a fast food restaurant.

So we're going to get her out of her predicament. Which leads to possibly the most infuriating section of the entire game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-026_zps7311f3db.png

...the Sheriff's office.

The key to the stocks is in a cupboard behind the Sheriff, who's asleep at his desk.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-027_zps581cafb7.png

Like so. We reach that cupboard by walking around him.

WITHOUT TOUCHING ANYTHING.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-028_zpsd0dd65f5.png

Needless to say, this is fucking impossible. The controls are so awkward, the camera angle so unintuitive and the hit detection so terrible that failure is all but guaranteed.

After the first three or four attempts (which result in you being told to get out), the Sheriff tells you to lock yourself in the cell.

This puzzle is so badly programmed and made me so infuriated with the game that I had to stop playing, go for a walk and then come back 10 minutes later after I'd calmed down.

Don't believe me?

Let me shows you. (http://youtu.be/IbIZEEjUUpU)

I do, eventually, somehow manage to luck out and make my way to the cupboard. Thank CHRIST.

And then I stop.

...I'd like to do something a little different now. Rather than just describe the events that happen to you, I want you to understand the thought process that went through my mind at this point.

Humour me.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA01_zps5fbf9e77.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA02_zpsc59ad176.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA03_zpsaa85a7a1.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA04_zps88a151a0.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA05_zps0600902d.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA06_zpsb3770270.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA07_zpsbeebf3e9.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-LA08_zpsc8688875.png

...no, really. That's how I beat this puzzle. By anticipating that the game would be a dick to me.

Lord help me, I'm starting to adapt to this game's sick, twisted logic. May heaven have mercy on my soul.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-029_zpsce307929.png

...anyway. We get the key. At this point, we can feel free to let the Sheriff catch us, since he just orders us straight back to the cell. We walk out, leave the building and return to Goldilocks.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-030_zpscffec73c.png

So we let the woman go and hand her the 'treasure map'.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-030-Achievement_zps8273a3b8.png

She runs off and tells us to meet her there in a few minutes.

So I kill a few seconds by...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-031_zps7288e1d8.png

Yep. STEALING MONEY THROWN INTO A POND.

Simon really is just plain scum, isn't he.

Anyway. Onto MucSwampys!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-032_zpsc7bb125b.png

Well, at least she's gotten the place open. She leaves, pledging to take revenge on whoever gave her the map by eating their porridge.

But oh, Simon can't just leave it at that, can he. Oh no.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-033_zps602d06ff.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-034_zps6659aacb.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-035_zps5b1ab968.png

Oh fuck off, you condescending little prick.

[der_ketzer]

So Simon is scum. Maybe he is the one that didn't buy a present in the Secret Santa event.

[Darth Marsden]

Ah, but that implies that we liked him enough to let him take part in the first place.

[Secret Fawful]

Why is War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise on your wall.

[Syd]

That part at about 1:30 in your video where you nearly made it but ended up nudging his chair must have been infuriating.

At least you managed to dodge that trap with the cabinet door.

[Darth Marsden]

Why is War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise on your wall.I am frankly amazed you could make that out.

I've never actually seen it - the poster was free from the cinema when I went to see something else. I haven't touched the poster in years. It's a cool design though, so I don't see myself taking it down.
That part at about 1:30 in your video where you nearly made it but ended up nudging his chair must have been infuriating.

At least you managed to dodge that trap with the cabinet door.I screamed when I hit the chair. Like, a full on scream of anguish.

Right at the end of the video you can see me save the game. That's where I stopped recording and went for a walk just to cool down. It's somewhat telling that the first attempt I made after that is the one where I finally made it.

[Secret Fawful]

I am frankly amazed you could make that out.

I've never actually seen it - the poster was free from the cinema when I went to see something else. I haven't touched the poster in years. It's a cool design though, so I don't see myself taking it down.

At some point you need to scream HELP ME TOM CRUISE! in your playthrough then.

Also, MUG Root Beer tastes terrible. Barqs or A&W is where it's at.

[GuruGuru214]

Hey, look, next post is a new page.

[coolsome]

Simon is my new fave video game character.

[Darth Marsden]

Hey guys. Bad news.

Unfortunately, my PC has just died. Hopefully I can get it repared, but if not, then I'll have to get a new one. Gah.

Either way, I'm going to be offline for a while, and as such will not be able to continue with this Let's Play until I'm back. Which is a pain in the arse, as I was really enjoying sharing my pain, but that's life, I guess.

So, uh, yeah. Hope to be back soon.

[Syd]

Simon probably killed it. He already kills everything else he gets remotely close to.

Seriously, though, that sucks. Hopefully it'll be an easy fix and your computer will be back up and running soon.

[Darth Marsden]

OK, so apparently my PC's working now. Huh.

Ah, whatever. Here's another update for ya.


Right. Let's head inside MucSwampys then, shall we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-036_zps6c3491ac.png

And here it is. Boy, this reminds me of a few fast food places. Wait - NO IT DOESN'T. Seriously, no place in England looks anything like this. Bright white is an absolute bitch to keep clean.

*ahem*

So here we are. A room full of stuff... and the game won't let us interact with ANY of it. We can't even pick up the sachets of vinegar that Simon's looking right at. Oh well, whatever. Let's head to the back room, see if there's anything there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-037_zps515e11ab.png

...and here we are in Swampy's private office. And again, I can't interact with ANYTHING. Why fill a room full of stuff if you can't do anything with any of it?

Seriously, the only thing we can interact with is under the desk, and we have to crouch to even see it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-038_zps815bf988.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-039_zpsa84b8377.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-040_zpsd521d96d.png

If we use that button, this happens:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-041_zps48f2bf97.png

It's a lift. So we go in it and find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-042_zps0a605f13.png

SWAMPY'S SECRET SUBTERRANEAN SWAMP!

...uh, yeah.

To the bottom of the screen is a desk full of papers. Let's have a look at that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-043_zps16b7fbda.png

OK, long story short: Swampy's discovered that someone's going to destroy his beloved swamp and build houses there. He's gone to stop them with some sort of bomb.

Right. So now we know where Swampy is, let's get over there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-044_zps678e8a1f.png

But oh, just as we leave...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-045_zps011ebcfc.png

...this guy appears thinking the place is open again.

Simon tries to tell him it's not in his usual charming manner.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-046_zpsd8ae7e61.png

So the fat guy (who's a proper wizard, unlike Simon) promptly does this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-047_zps4cc2eb56.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-048_zps0f64f635.png

I may be just a little bit in love with this guy.

...seriously. This is the first time Simon's had ANY form of comeuppance for his frankly appalling behaviour throughout the entire game, and not only do I highly applaud this, I want to see MORE OF IT.

So the fat wizard gets Simon to make him a burger without Sesame seeds. Unfortunately, Simon forgets to take them off, so the wizard makes him do it at the counter.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-049_zps653e1221.png

We now have those in our inventory, BTW.

...and then, just to put the icing on the cake, the fat guy does this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-050_zps26baf4bb.png

Dude's not hungry any more!

I swear, it's so nice to see someone being a dick to Simon for once.



...I'm still gonna get my PC looked at, since it's clearly not particularly healthy, so there may be a few days or so without any updates. Just to warn you guys.

[WarpSpeed]

OK, so apparently my PC's working now. Huh.

Make a backup. Now. Or you'll have to get to that cabinet again.

[Secret Fawful]

A few days without Simon 3D?!!!

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO how will you survive.

[Darth Marsden]

Make a backup. Now. Or you'll have to get to that cabinet again.Trust me, it's pretty much the first thing I did.

Well, I've backed up the videos I recorded, anyway. I can't seem to find the savegames. Hmm...

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



OK, so after the wizard removes the seal on Simon's mouth (aww...), we head outside. Remember, we're headed to the swamp, since that's where Swampy is.

Now, where was that map?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-010_zpsd0ee8f84.png

Right. Let's head over to the gate then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-051_zps7a41c98c.png

Ah. Bugger.

(Incidentally, the left goblin rather obviously has the same voice actress as Goldilocks - it's very distracting)

So we need to get papers. Where do we get those?

...I dunno.

Turns out we need to ask this guy:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-052_zps63318f8f.png

...I did introduce him, didn't I? Oh, right. Sorry. Well, this is Calypso.

So yes, in order to figure out what to do next, the game has forced us back down that incredibly long corridor. PADDING!

As you can see, he tells us to visit a forger who can do us some nice fake papers.

The problem is, he's in a Wizards-Only club, and we can't get in, since Simon isn't technically a wizard.

So let's go to the Magic Guild and register as one then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-053_zps26b64eff.png

More padding, since this hall is about 17 times bigger than it needs to be.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-054_zps3d81ece1.png

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-055_zps1c406241.png

Yes. We had to go all the way back, AGAIN, just so Calypso can give us the go-ahead to use him as our sponser.

...and now we get to go all the way back again.

*sigh*

Now that we're in (of sorts), the guy there (who has EXACTLY the same voice as S.I.G.N. from earlier, so clearly the game needed another couple of voice actors!) rolls his magic die to see Simon's magic rating.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-056_zpsace3c84a.png

...dude's clearly never played D&D.

Anyway. He rolls the die again to determine what Simon's familiar is to be.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-057_zps0a872a3f.png

A sprite. OK. (Incidentally, since he's rolling 3 six-sided die, that high a score should be impossible, but whatever).

So where do we get a sprite?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-058_zpsfbe625da.png

GAAAAAAHH!!!

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyc4hnqPNN1qkq6gw.gif

RIGHT. So we need to wait until night.

...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-059_zps415342cc.png

This, ladies and gentlemen, leads us to THE MOST POINTLESS PUZZLE IN THE HISTORY OF ADVENTURE GAMES.

...no. I'm not kidding. This is the most blatant shoe-horning in of a puzzle I've ever seen in all my years of playing adventure games, and as soon as you see it, I'm almost positive you'll agree.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-060_zpsd0c46a38.png

So here's our room. It's upstairs in the inn. Simple enough, right?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-061_zps04dd20fc.png

But of course, once we lie down on the bed, Simon starts sneezing.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-062_zps17b7f7e7.png

Yes, SIMON IS ALLERGIC TO POLYESTER.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-063_zpse710ca8a.png

Of course you can't. See, I'd have used his robes as a makeshift pillow or something, but then I guess that's why I don't make video games, isn't it.

So we have to go and find something to fill Simon's pillowcase.

MOST POINTLESS PUZZLE EVER.

Now the obvious replacement is feathers of some sort. Unfortunately the only birds I've seen are ducks at the pond we can steal money from, and Simon won't take the feathers by hand.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-064_zps4f45e77a.png

If we go down and talk to the barkeeper, we can now get our room cleaned, since we actually have one now. So we do that.

The barkeep mentioned a vacuum cleaner. That'd be ideal for sucking up duck feathers. Let's go nick it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-065_zps23e3a88c.png

Oh. We can't go up that way while the maid's cleaning.

Now what you're SUPPOSED to do is wedge open the fire exit using the cheese we got from the guy driving down the street, then enter from outside. But fuck that!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-066_zps583c6c12.png

Yep. Using the game's poor collision detection, we can actually crawl right under the barrier.

FAIL.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-067_zpsbbdb1b7e.png

There's the vacuum cleaner, right outside our room. Yoink!

You can also go and try to talk to the maid, but...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-068_zps511c3778.png

Heh. Love the HOM effect behind her (it's a bit hard to see in this shot, but it's VERY apparent in motion).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-069_zpsea1e7ec9.png

...and here's me doing what I SHOULD have done in the first place. We need to leave through the fire exit anyway (we can't crawl back under the barrier), so I might as well.

Now, let's go vacuum me a duck.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-070_zps8a2d1a7b.png

...one day, Simon will have to answer for his crimes.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-071_zps280c65b5.png

I will TREASURE that day. I will have it recorded so I can play it on a loop 24-7 on its own dedicated subscription-based TV.

I will make MILLIONS.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-072_zpsf0fb3c47.png

So we combine the feathers with the empty pillow case (where'd the polyester go? Ah, whatever, who cares) to get a new pillow that Simon can use.

Because that was OH SO VERY worth the effort.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-073_zps37b3328d.png

Yes, because we wouldn't want Simon to be uncomfortable now, would we? Oh no.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-074_zps2086d684.png

What racket?

No, seriously. I genuinely can't hear anything. What's he talking about?

<Checks walkthrough that he has been forced to rely on countless times, though he'll never openly admit it>

The guy in the next room is snoring loudly, apparently (the game must be glitching again, because there's absolutely no sound effect to indicate this).

WELCOME TO MY WORLD, ASSHOLE. I can hear my father snoring halfway across the house. I don't know how my mother puts up with, but by god, somehow she does, and SO WILL YOU.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-075_zps28dbc50f.png

Oh, you're gonna make me stop him, aren't you.

*sigh*

[Syd]

"You're familiar is a sprite!" They didn't even bother to proofread the subtitles.

Simon really needs to get his comeuppance more often. It'd be more tolerable to play as him if there was plenty of pain an humiliation in Simon's future to look forward to. Alas, there isn't. He just gets away with his horrible acts far too often.

[Darth Marsden]

Ha! The lack of my PC will not prevent me from subjecting you to the torment of Simon the Sorcerer 3D!



Right. So we were going to stop the guy in the next room from snoring, right?

Well, we can't get in through the door, so let's see if there's any other ways of getting in there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-076_zps53ac7d4d.png

Hmm. I'm getting Broken Sword flashbacks.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-077_zps2fd3a807.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-078_zpsd03a8e17.png

Now we could have climbed out here earlier, but the other window would have been closed, making it rather pointless.

Although, that said, note that chimney on the left. That means we're right above the games room. Hmm.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-079_zps6b93af1c.png

Right. Now to get the guy to stop snoring. Simon suggests some sort of cattle prod (which I'd rather use on HIM), but I like to think I'm a bit less of a heartless git, so we'll use the jack to roll him onto his side.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-080_zps27a23291.png

And hey presto! Success. And nobody had to get hurt in the process!

...oh wait. The guy under the cart. We... we had to hurt him, didn't we.

...bugger.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-081_zps89ee961e.png

Well, at least Simon's happy, I guess.

By the time Simon wakes up, it's night-time. So we have to head over to the same field we caught the butterflies in (*shudder*) in order to catch our sprite.

But before we do that...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-082_zpsddcc2d85.png

...we're gonna head down to the beer cellar of the inn. (We actually could have done this during the day, I just forgot to.)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-083_zpse54de816.png

There's a bit of a block pushing puzzle here (ah! Broken Sword 3 flashbacks!), but it's not too difficult. I've actually gone the wrong way here, but it's the best view of the cellar, so there.

After we make our way through, we get to...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-084_zps45d318d4.png

...a beer tap. If we turn this, then it turns off the flow of sweet, sweet alcohol to the pumps at the bar.

So that's what we do.

Then we head back upstairs and talk to the vacuum cleaner salesman again:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-085_zps7e0a0169.png

Good god, Simon's a douche, is he not?

Anyway, at this, the man downs his drink and asks for another.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-086_zps1b170e10.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-087_zps1c8099aa.png

So he goes down to sort it out. And while he's away...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-088_zps61145d49.png

...we use the kite to steal the bottle of whiskey. Remember we even had that kite? No? Good, because I didn't either.

Anyway. Now armed with alcohol (despite Simon being a minor, apparently!), we head back out to catch us a sprite.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-089_zps140f401f.png

Apparently the developers couldn't be bothered to remake BOTH maps at night, so our choice in available locations is limited somewhat. Not that it matters, since the only locations we need are the ones in green. Well, some of them. Meh.

Let's get back to the butterfly field then, shall we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-090_zps10814365.png

Oh. Well, this is gonna be easy, isn't it?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-091_zps737a4274.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-092_zps18af9817.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-093_zps86d30ded.png

BANTHA POODOO!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-094_zps678162e2.png

Hey! Shut up!

...wait, who the heck are you? And where the hell did you come from?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-095_zps2525e2a4.png

...you mean the shack from the first video I posted that had nothing in it? Huh. Well, let's go see what's going on there now.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-096_zps8dbc34c2.png

Yep, there they are. Can we actually get inside though?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-097_zpsb918b685.png

We can. Huzzah.

Now. What follows is easily the funniest bit of the entire game. So much so that I made a video of it for all to enjoy (http://youtu.be/KyGFnbO973U).

(Sorry about the Windows Movie Maker intro - I did the best I could with what I had)

We then talk to the group and ask if we can have their sprite-in-a-lantern. They say no, since they're using it.

However, they do ask us for a favour...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-098_zps8b9a2edb.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-099_zps82624930.png

Hmm. Well, if the 'dungeonmaster' happens to be taken suddenly ill, I guess the game would have to be abandoned... which would mean they wouldn't eed their lantern.

So, we need to go to get a pizza. Lord knows how they're going to make this complicated.

Next time: ONWARD TO THE PIZZA PLACE!

[Syd]

"Knock has a sore wrist." "He's used to it, I'm sure." I'll admit, that got a slight chuckle out of me.

[Secret Fawful]

The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

[der_ketzer]

Simon is such a hipster. He invented YOLO before it was dumb.

[Darth Marsden]

The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.I've kind of gotten used to the awful graphics by this point. Somehow.

[Syd]

The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

Both goblins have the exact same face texture, but it's just stretched for the tall one to give it the illusion of being different. Lazy lazy lazy.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



So here's the pizza place.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-100_zps0b8829ba.png

It's in between MucSwampys and the road where I met the cheese driver. I skipped over it earlier because it was closed, but since it's night now, it's open. So let's head on inside.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-101_zps9b3944ee.png

Guess what THIS guy's voice sounds like.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-102_zpsd8492da4.png

Uh-huh.

As an aside, there's a slight animation glitch with the guy's arms. They keep moving out slightly and then cutting back to his body. It's very distracting.

Anyway. The guy says that in order to order a pizza, we need one of these:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-103_zps1d0d71b3.png

It's a Pizzarina. I guess that's meant to be a joke or something, but it took me so long to figure out what the joke actually was, it had long lost all comedy value.

The dude explains that you use it to call him anywhere in the world, and he'll take your order, then deliver it to you. So my first thought was that it's like a phone.

It's not.

Also:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-105_zpscb5502b2.png

Which is handy, since each pizza costs 10,000 groats.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-104_zps3f581004.png

I want to make fun of Simon, but to be honest, if I had that kind of money, I'd probably do the same thing.

(Well, after paying off my student loans, anyway. Doubt I'd have much left afterwards though)

So there you go. If we want a free pizza, we need to make sure it takes longer than a minute to reach us. Shouldn't be too hard, right?

Might as well head back over to the hut and order us up a pizza.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-106_zpsdb4d8a43.png

Wait a second...

http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj48/Darkspine_S/LinkOcarina.jpg

PIZZARINA! OH, I GET IT NOW!

...god, that was forced.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-107_zpsa59ec45e.png

So we can order our pizza. Please don't ask how the logistics of this works: I've absolutely no idea.

Naturally, we order one with 'the works'. We need to get rid of the 'dungeonmaster', remember?

See, now normally I'd have thought that'd be it, but then the game solves its own puzzle by asking us if we want anything else:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-108_zps571bdeb0.png

So naturally, I select extra cheese. Why? Well, it'll hide the anchovies, won't it? Thanks for that, game!

After telling him where we are, we then get a little cutscene showing the path the pizza takes in getting to us:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-109_zps2618ace5.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-110_zps1fa1484c.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-111_zps482b1327.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-112_zpsd61ddfa6.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-113_zps70685e10.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-114_zps63440387.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-115_zps6c25e601.png

And he's made it! With seconds to spare. Bah.

Well, naturally we don't have the money (and never will - I wouldn't waste hours catching butterflies, even if my net weren't broken now), so he takes it back.

Note that he had to get directions from the S.I.G.N. Hmm. How can we take that out of commision?

...yeah, you probably guessed, especially since I had to go out of my way to get the item we need in my previous post.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-116_zps9e567132.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-117_zps1e9dbcf9.png

This, naturally, gets the S.I.G.N. roaring drunk - and unable to give directions. So let's try the pizza thing again.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-109_zps2618ace5.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-110_zps1fa1484c.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-111_zps482b1327.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-112_zpsd61ddfa6.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-113_zps70685e10.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-118_zpsa64c4a11.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-119_zps6754428b.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-120_zps18ce8151.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-121_zpsafd9d597.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-115_zps6c25e601.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-122_zps27f45cf8.png

Ha! And thus, the pizza is free. Now we go inside and give it to the guys...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-123_zps916b74cc.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-124_zps0611108c.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-125_zpsa8187715.png

...and so, we can have the sprite-in-a-lantern.

I suspect this won't be the only time Simon will be exploiting someone's allergies.

*sigh*

[der_ketzer]

...and we're back.

Am I the only one that thinks of Rifftrax when he reads that?

[Darth Marsden]

...that's why I say it. :)

EDIT: Actually, check that last picture again. One of the guys gas got Gygax written on his arm, while another has it written on his shirt. Jeez, could they not think of anything else to reference?

Also: could I get a couple more posts in here so I can make my next update on a different page? Thanks.

[Secret Fawful]

HOLY SHlT THAT PIZZA GUY'S FACE

http://i.picpar.com/z2k.gif

[der_ketzer]

Also: could I get a couple more posts in here so I can make my next update on a different page? Thanks.

http://i.qkme.me/35v69d.jpg

[coolsome]

I like pie!

[Darth Marsden]

Cheers guys.



OK, so now we have our sprite-in-a-lantern, let's go show it to the guy at the Wizard Academy or whatever.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-126_zps40ecd907.png

Now all that remains is for Simon to take the TEST (yes, that's how it's spelt).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-127_zps72bb486a.png

You and me both.

The hall then fades away and is replaced with this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-128_zpsa7de39a8.png

It's animated so the lines move away from the camera, like we're in a tunnel or something. It's possibly the most impressive visual effect the game's done so far.

And it's a rip-off from TRON.

*sigh*

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-129_zps31f83b77.png

Another typo. "for the what"? Oops.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-130_zps52ab19cf.png

Oh, right. Let's hear it then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-131_zps893bf72f.png

...and Simon's just farted. Because the game's run out of 'dark' humour and decided to go for 'toilet' instead. Charming.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-132_zps1c9371d7.png

Oh you're KIDDING. Simon's farting screwed up the magic test? Sweet heavenly maker...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-133_zpsf8598996.png

I think that was supposed to be subversive or something. Ugh.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-134_zps1f340579.png

Oh, fucking FINALLY. It's only been three sodding games before we actually get to do some proper magic (unless you count the god-awful Hush Puppies puzzle from the second game).

So, what do we get to do? Fire magic? Ice magic?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-135_zpse12f0722.png

Fashion magic.

Fucking FASHION magic.

Just... great.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-136_zps563ea75e.png

Yes. ME.

So, we can now cast Fashion Magic. What spells does it have?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-137_zps21d7c89d.png

...

OK. Let me explain how this works then.

Basically, when we cast a spell, we can choose to say three different words, each one for a different colour. We can choose between Red, Yellow and Blue. When we cast magic, we can say any combination of these words - say, Red and Blue - and then the end result is...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-138_zpsb95fcca8.png

Yep, we can now change the colour of our clothes. Whoop-de-fucking-do.

So, naturally, I do this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-139_zps405ffe49.png

BLACK LIKE HIS SOUL.

(Also it's by far the best looking colour)

Anyway. We're a Wizard Harry so let's get into that Wizards-Only club and find the guy who can forge us some papers.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-140_zpsb6901214.png

Oh, right - it's still night. Oops.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-081_zps89ee961e.png

That's better. NOW let's get in there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-141_zpsc2a495af.png

And here we are.

I'm not going to show you the puzzle here, but I will describe it, since it's rather fiddly and I'd like you all to hear about it.

So obviously the Wizard isn't here. If we talk to that face just to the right of Simon's hat, it tells us that Porkins (the name of the Wizard) is in the <INSERT COLOUR HERE> room.

In order to get to the <INSERT COLOUR HERE> room, we need to light up the appropriate colours on the buttons Simon's almost standing on, and then enter the tube on the left. The room's exactly the same as this one, only it's got a different coloured light on.

When we get to the <INSERT COLOUR HERE> room though, Porkins isn't there either. If we talk to the face on the wall, it says Porkins just left for the white room (which is the one shown in the image).

We can go back and forth between the two rooms and never catch Porkins (he always goes to the same colour room), so the solution is to simply go to the same coloured room as the one you're in.

In this case, Porkins kept going between the blue room and the white one. So, while in the blue room, we just try to go to the blue room again and...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-142_zpsbb76cc62.png

Gotcha.

Oh wait - it's THAT GUY! Oh, I do hope he makes Simon suffer some more!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-143_zps9445aa74.png

WEAK.

Wait - normally wouldn't be a problem?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-144_zpsb2393ed3.png

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Isn't ANYTHING simple in this game?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-145_zps6dddd806.png

Yes, it is rather.

So we need to go find his sodding quill. Fantastic.

Now there's one area of the map I haven't shown yet (well, three technically, but only one's relevant right now), and that's the 'bad' part of town.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-146_zps5b00fff7.png

It's basically just a back alley with slightly less desirable types in it.

(Also, check out the robes. You can actually see them properly now and everything. Man, black is coooool.)

Anyway. First up is getting in.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-147_zpsb57f971b.png

Oh, and picking up a black cat. Because, y'know, why the hell not.

You can also look at the cat and Simon will do a terrible Cartman 'NO KITTY IS A BAD KITTY' bit. I could do it better, to be frank, though it is a bit more timely a joke than the fucking Pizzarina.

Right. Now our actual entrance into the alley proper is blocked by this thing:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-148_zpse7a06833.png

It's a dog with wheels instead of rear legs.

...eh, whatever.

If we look in the dumpster just to the left of him, however, we find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-149_zps5c4b7da9.png

...an old shoe! Which we can promptly give to the dog.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-150_zps8c90adeb.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-150-Achievement_zpsc284f2fa.png

We're left with just the shoelace after that, which I'm sure will in no way be needed at all.

Anyway. We now have access to the path beyond. Oh, what wonders await?

[coolsome]

You seem to be hardened to him doing stuff like putting a disabled dog in a bin.

[Darth Marsden]

It's one of his lesser crimes, to be honest. I was more surprised I didn't have to lace the shoe with poison or something, since that seems to be more the games style. Guess I lucked out.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-151_zps5f077a71.png

So beyond the dog is these two kids. They actually have quite a bit of background dialogue - it lasts for a good 4 minutes before it starts looping.

They don't really have anything useful to say to Simon though, beyond calling him a girl.

Y'know, 'cause of the robe.

...

Let's check out the other path.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-152_zps3c63dc12.png

The only thing of interest is this manhole. We might as well go down it.

(Note the clipping issue in Simon's back!)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-153_zps6a7f1fcd.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-154_zps3290cacf.png

That plank is incredibly fiddly to walk across, for the record.

But anyway. We have ourselves a door. For some bizarre reason, Simon decides to knock rather than just barge in like he normally does.

Anyway. We knock on the door.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-155_zps3d164311.png

Ah, balls.

And right on cue, the fairy godmother appears to tell us how to knock.

It's not hitting ACTION, is it?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-156_zpsf86c0b28.png

Huh. Apparently I'm psychic now.

Let me try this out.

*hmmmmmmmmmmm*

I predict that once I find out the password it's going to be impossible to enter because the game is so poorly coded.

Let's see if I'm right.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-157_zpse3d5b343.png

Predictably enough, the street urchins know the password, and they'll only tell us if we provide them a better game to play than football (or, if you're American and WRONG: Soccer). The only condition is it has to use the ball they've got.

The answer is actually fairly clever. What other sports are there that use a football (an ENGLISH football) sized ball?

Basketball?

Yep.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-158_zps5b20c99e.png

Hmm... I wonder...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-159_zpsfb14e598.png

I'd like to point out that at this point my inventory has over 30 items in it, which stretches out to four pages. It makes the 'cycle inventory' key rather useless.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-160_zpsac6c3311.png

Strange how the hole seems to have moved somewhat to form an almost perfect basketball hoop, isn't it?

Anyway, that's enough for the kids, and they give Simon the password.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-161_zps44a7a9db.png

For those not in the know, it's basically this football(!) chant (http://youtu.be/Jioa4ZlGClc?t=49s), familiar to all football(!) fans.

Let's go and knock that on the door then!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-162_zpsc8dac05e.png

Oh look. I WAS RIGHT.

The problem here is that you have to be VERY quick with this. If you're not perfect with your entry, or you wait a split-second too long, Simon will declare that you've entered the wrong password.

Here's the problem. The urchin's delivery of the password was slower than the one you heard in the video, so naturally you think to imitate him.

Turns out that's the wrong thing to do. You have to imitate the speed of the chant that was in the video. You have to hit ACTION once, then wait a fraction of a second, then hit it again, fraction of a second, then hit it three times extremely quickly, fraction of a second, four times quickly, fraction of a second, and finally hit it twice more.

It took me a good damn while to realize this, and even then it was hard to get the timing just right. Bear in mind that I didn't have the video to use as a reference, just the urchin's interpretation (which, again, was about half the speed of the one you heard in the video).

Not the first time the game's screwed me over by not properly explaining things, and it won't be the last either.

Seriously - I got so frustrated I thought the game was bugged!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-163_zpsd63634f3.png

Anyway. When we get it right we're magically transported (via a sudden cut) to inside the room. The only thing of interest is these two who are playing conkers.

The kid on the right (the one in the dorky outfit) is the one with the quill we need, and we can only get it back by challenging and beating him at a game of conkers. One problem - we don't have any conkers.

...so let's go find some.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-164_zps6a21f6ff.png

This is a tree in the church, which is one of the locations I've skipped over 'til now. We can't enter the church (though we can get onto its roof later), but for now we just need the tree.

As you can (just about) see, it's got conkers growing in it. Well, horse chestnuts actually, but eh, same thing. Sort of.

Since Simon's far too lazy to just reach up and grab some, we'll have to knock some down. This sounds like a job...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-165_zpse2c192c6.png

...for HAMMOR!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-166_zps571656f8.png

Surprisingly, the animation for this wasn't as terrible as the time we whacked the bell with the gnome in it. Heaven preserve us.

Anyway. We now have some horse chestnuts.

We can't just go back and use one yet though, oh no. We have to put a string in one of them. And for that, we need something pointy to make a hole in them.

Like...

...a dart?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-167_zps80d89844.png

Yup, that'd do the job nicely. Only problem is, the goblin won't let us have one. So we're gonna have to steal one.

First, we head up to our room and climb out onto the roof.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-168_zpsb71c05dc.png

Ah yes, there's that chimney. Maybe if we put something over it?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-169_zps78636bd3.png

Like, say, the blanket from Simon's bed that I never mentioned we had because I didn't even realize Simon had picked it up until about an hour afterwards?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-170_zps281dd408.png

Yes, apparently.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-171_zps81ff9bbf.png

And since the room's so foggy, the goblin opens the window. Time to be a dick again.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-172_zps5fcfbb88.png

We challenge the goblin to a game of darts and aim well above the dartboard so the dart flies through the now open window.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-173_zpsd6bbe02e.png

As a result, the dart's now stuck in the wall outside the inn. We can go and pick it up now.

Once we do that, we use it with the chestnuts to put a hole in all of them. And just in case you don't know the best way of making a good 'conker' (which I didn't, and I'm willing to bet you didn't either), the game thoughtfully provides the methods in the item's description.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-174_zpsf5b56697.png

Like so. If your memory's good, you can probably remember where we can do two of those three, but the third... that'll be another new place.

Next time on Game Grumps Simon the Sorcerer 3D: We play conkers. Badly.

[Secret Fawful]

Sorry, Marsbar, but everything Simon does you're just as accountable for. I have called the authorities and they will be by to collect your carcass shortly.

[Darth Marsden]

But... it's not my fault! The game made me do it! I PLEAD THE FIFTH!

[Alcoremortis]

But... it's not my fault! The game made me do it! I PLEAD THE FIFTH!

It's too late to plead the fifth because you've already confessed!

[Darth Marsden]

...well, bugger. Will you guys visit me in prison?

[Alcoremortis]

We'll bring you a computer so you can finish Simon the Sorcerer.

[der_ketzer]

...well, bugger. Will you guys visit me in prison?

Every day.

[flesk]

We'll even bring you hookers for conjugal visits. Just pull through and finish this let's play.

[Darth Marsden]

Dawww. I love you too, guys.



OK, so a quick reminder of what we were doing:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-174_zpsf5b56697.png

Yeah, that's what SHE said.

...ahem.

We'll get the two we've been before out of the way first.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-175_zpse877a9a9.png

Vinegar's at MucSwampys. It's the sachets on the counter that we couldn't pick up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-176_zps2ae3697f.png

Baking's back in the Beer Garden at the inn. It's the BBQ where we picked up the tongs (which we haven't actually used yet!).

Now for the varnishing. This requires us to go to another new location in town.

The reason I haven't shown it before is twofold.

1) It's not been needed before.

2) It's kind of out of the way.

It's basically to the right of the Sheriff's Office, and the path's really quite small.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-177_zps914149bc.png

Yeah, it's to the right of the houses with the graphical glitches. If we go down there, we find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-178_zps915421d7.png

...a door that doesn't lead anywhere (YET), a shed of some sort we can't interact with, and a small can next to the shed. The can's full of...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-179_zpsa41476dc.png

And with that, we've made our conker as strong as it can be. We just tie it up with the shoelace and we're good to go.

So we head back down the sewer (the game thankfully doesn't make us do the secret password thing again, thanks Christ) and challenge the odd-looking kid to a game of conkers for the quill.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-180_zpsbe91d00d.png

Here we go. Pointless minigame time!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-181_zpse52b047f.png

And here it is.

The premise behind conkers, if you don't know it, is fairly simple. You just take it in turns whacking each others conkers until one of them breaks. That'd be the loser.

If you'd imagine that makes it rather random, then...

...well, yeah, it is.

There's things you can do to strengthen your conker - the three which we've already done are the traditional methods of making your conker stronger - but beyond that, there's not much skill involved.

And, naturally, that's nicely reflected in this minigame.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-182_zps825e4711.png

Here's what happens when you lose. The first time I played, he did this to me on his third hit, which was bullshit.

I tried this game about four times before I finally won, and I still think it was blind luck that was responsible.

It's a little hard to see in that picture, but if you look at HIS conker, you can see a large chunk missing. In my winning game, I just kept hitting that spot until his conker blew up like mine has. It took six smacks, so quite how mine survived longer than his is anyone's guess.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-183_zps379c8763.png

For the record, if you lose, then naturally you lose your conker and have to make another. YOu don't have to go traipsing all over with another horse chestnut, thankfully - you have more in your inventory, and the hardening effects applies to all of them - but you do need to re-string the shoelace through them to get another one ready.

But who cares about that - we won! So now we've got the quill. Let's go give it to the other wizard.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-184_zpsf32b32e2.png

Once we've caught up to him again, of course. Thankfully this time I'm smart enough to ensure we find him in the white room so we can actually see what's going on.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-185_zpsb5c5ea89.png

And in return for the quill, we now have our 'official' papers. Lovely.

Let's give 'em to the goblins, shall we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-186_zps2c1dd3e4.png

One other distracting thing (other than recognising one of the voice actors again, since she voices one of the football kids as well) is the fact that there's no mouth animation on the goblins when I first talk to them here. It returns after I show them the papers, but before that their heads just sort of moved around a bit. Very poor show indeed.

ANYWAY. We ask them to open the gates for us.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-187_zps130ab47f.png

Oh, what fresh level of hell are you going to send me through to appease you now?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-188_zps447bc03c.png

...say what?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-189_zps70b2a8c6.png

...what the hell is a Rainbird?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-190_zpse45f89d1.png

Oh. Well, that could be useful.

...what do they want for it?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-191_zpsfc7528e4.png

I'm probably going to regret this, aren't I.

(Also, I just love that facial expression the goblin on the left's got. It's like pausing a movie the exact second the main actor blinks)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-192_zpsf92aa12f.png

They take a few items, though the game doesn't tell us exactly what.

All they say is:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-193_zps2a7c4f08.png

Actually, that's extremely handy, since this is the sort of adventure game where you don't automatically lose items once they've outlived their usefulness - they just clog up your inventory.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-194_zps399c636a.png

As you probably guessed from that, this has happened before. Twice in the second game, IIRC.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-195_zpsb6cf0fac.png

This is the Rainbird Horn. We use it, much like the Pizzarina, to call the bird for a lift.

The rules for using it are fairly simple - only use it outdoors, don't try to go anywhere dangerous, and you can only land on special squares that look like larger versions of the life pads from earlier.

(Rather amusingly, the fairy godmother appears to tell you all this RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GOBLINS. And, typically, they don't even react to it)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-196_zpsf14f929d.png

I wasn't going to feature the fairy godmother any more (since I do her job far better than she does), but there's something she says here that bears closer analysis.

When she refers to the controls for the Rainbird, you may have noticed that she doesn't refer to the ACTION key - she instead says the actual button on the keyboard, the CTRL key.

This is the first and only time she does this.

OOPS.

I'll admit, it's useful to have her actually say the keyboard commands, but it's out of character and contrary to what she's said before and will indeed say in future.

And yes, I know this isn't the biggest issue in the world, but it's a fuck up and goddamnit, if I'm going to point out one typo then you can be damn well sure I want THIS recognised!

...right. Let's use this Rainbird then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-197_zps70a90cc8.png

GAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-198_zps0ce0d777.png

Oh, it's the Rainbird. Right.

Well, welcome to the world map. Guess what? IT SUCKS.

The Rainbird is actually rather fiddly to control. It uses the standard movement controls, but as you can see, when you turn the damn thing banks into the turn, so it's easy for your spatial awareness to get completely screwed up, especially if you have to do a 180.

It also doesn't help that the layout of the world doesn't quite match the way we've been running through it on foot. The gnome flinging contest is shown on this map, for instance, when it actually mysteriously vanished after we won it. Something else also shows up on this map that hasn't actually appeared there yet (at least I don't THINK it does), so that's confusing as well.

Finally, it doesn't help matters at all that the Rainbird will get stuck on things from the map that are too tall, meaning you have to do an (already established as confusing) 180 to break free.

It's shocking how badly designed this is when the basic 2D maps we used in each individual area were so much easier to use. It's another example of "we've got a 3D engine so make EVERYTHING in it!", and wjile it's not the biggest problem I have with the game, it's still frustrating.

Eventually I manage to overcome all the terrible design decisions and figure out where the swamp is.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-199_zps9e997852.png

Oh, I do hope I don't have to do anything horrible to anyone here.

(We're SO going to.)

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



Right. Where were we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-001_zps712e54aa.png

Oh yes, the swamp. (Notice how, despite me changing the colour of Simon's robe, the rim of his hat is currently yellow. It does this occasionally in cutscenes - lazy programming, methinks.)

Unfortunately the swamp doesn't have a map, so I can't show you an overview of everything that we'll be visiting right now. It's not a huge map though (for once), so it shouldn't be that major an issue.

To start with, there's not a particularly large area we can explore.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-002_zpsc1e8a792.png

That's why.

No, not the alligator - the WATER. Simon won't go in it, and to be perfectly honest I don't blame him.

In the area that we CAN explore, we have this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-003_zps82ed32f9.png

Since it may not be entirely clear, let me tell you what's in the shot.

Just to the left of Simon's head are some vines attached to a wall. We can climb up those.

Just to the right of Simon's head is an axeman cutting down a tree. The bright thing on said tree is a beehive.

Can you guess what we're going to have to do?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-004_zps4d4a9635.png

If you guessed we'd climb the vines, then duh. No shit, Sherlock.

What I mean is: what ELSE do is the game going to make us do? Remember, the game's made us do some pretty terrible things so far.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-005_zpse19c0202.png

If you guessed that we'd have to knock the beehive onto the axeman, then...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-006_zps6a583b6a.png

...well, that about says it all really, doesn't it.

He throws the beehive on the ground next to his axe and runs off screaming.

Aren't we proud of ourselves?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-007_zpsf165b504.png

Oh, that's BULLSHIT and you KNOW it, Simon.

Right. So we pick up the axe. We can then use it to cut the vines. We can only do this from the top of them, so we have to climb back up and do it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-008_zps284fd11d.png

Oh, brilliant. We've only gone and broken the bloody thing. Well done.

Now that we've cut down the vines, we can't actually climb back down, despite the ledge we're on now only being about as high as Simon himself and therefore quite easy to just jump down from. Sigh.

The ledge does lead to another path though. One with a warning sign.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-009_zps80f6d6de.png

Does this mean Simon might die horribly? Let's hope so!

So we head on towards the quicksand when this little guy appears.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-010_zps04edcb38.png

We can't quite understand him, but apparently he wants Simon to follow him across the quicksand.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-011_zpsc6b42668.png

So we do, the camera rather awkwardly changing to this overhead view as we do.

The problem with the camera being HERE is that it has to move as we head further across the quicksand. It's rather awkward.

Anyway. The little creature makes a series of jumps to points ahead of us, and we have to walk from each of these points to the next in a straight line. If we do so, we'll get across safely.

Unfortunately (or not, depending on how you view what's about to happen) the game's quite strict about what constitutes a straight line, and if you get it wrong...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-012_zps1124af66.png

It's quicksand, Simon. You know that - you read a bloody great sign on your way to it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-013_zps2e4341a6.png

Are you now? Well, good. Can't say you don't deserve it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-014_zpsab40879c.png

And with that, Simon dies. Slowly, painfully and horrifically.

...

http://leemn.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/woohoo-resized-20sep0050.jpg

(visual pun FTW!)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-015_zps5549c02f.png

Oh, right. There was a life pad. Bah!

This really did take me quite a few goes to finish (though the sight of Simon dying horribly did make it somewhat bearable), though I did eventually get across.

When we do, we end up back near the crocodile.

And so, since we now have the stick from the axe (as well as the axe head, I suppose), we do the most natural thing that comes to mind.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-016_zps7cf94997.png

Now, if we combine the croc with the vines we cut down earlier, we get...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-017_zps0c3f4d71.png

Yup, a way across the swamp.

I'd be annoyed at how Simon did this without any prompting or hints to suggest that this is what he should do, but eh, I'm kinda numb to the madness by this point.

Anyway. We can now ride over to a couple of further areas. We'll go with this one first:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-018_zpse13d0641.png

As always, long story short. That's a princess, and her hamster Sir Squeaksalot is stuck up a tree.

Well, we just knocked ONE thing out of a tree - let's make it two for two.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-019_zps98449893.png

Piece of piss. Now let's go get the git...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-020_zpsd3f868e9.png

Oh. Oh bugger. We'd... we'd better get after him then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-021_zps0d9141f3.png

Oh, there he is. Blimey, he went pretty far. Well, let's get him home then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-022_zpsf83697d5.png

Don't say that.

Don't EVER say that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-023_zps5de11fda.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-023-Achievement_zps018b840b.png

Oh, Simon. Will you EVER stop killing innocent creatures?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-024_zps5dfa830b.png

Yeah, because THAT'S the most important thing here, isn't it.



Would appreciate a few responses guys, got a LOT of images on this page.

[Syd]

I think we should get a kill count going for Simon. It looks like he's already shaping up to be quite the mass murderer.

[WarpSpeed]

Did it give any hints on why we should be helping this princess who hangs out in swamps in the first place?

[Darth Marsden]

I think we should get a kill count going for Simon. It looks like he's already shaping up to be quite the mass murderer.Check my sig. We're up to 4 now.
Did it give any hints on why we should be helping this princess who hangs out in swamps in the first place?Only that she'd have my head cut off if I didn't help her.

[der_ketzer]

Only that she'd have my head cut off if I didn't help her.

Don't help her then. End this nightmare now. Do it for all of us. He'll kill us. He'll kill us all!

[Darth Marsden]

Oh I would, but every time Simon dies, he always respawns at one of those life pads. Bah!

(Fun fact: one of the later puzzles actually forces you to get Simon killed. It's glorious.)

[der_ketzer]

Well I can't wait!
Also: Next post will be on a new page.

[Darth Marsden]

Well I can't wait!Sadly, that doesn't happen for AGES. But it does happen eventually!

[Jennifer]

Current murder count: 4
Oh Simon, you little rascal.

There's probably more if you count the people who were seriously wounded and most likely died from their injuries later.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



When we last left our hero PROTAGONIST, he'd just killed Sir Squeaksalot. Nice one, Simon.

Just beyond where Sir Squeaksalot was found, there's a large building of sorts.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-025_zps3546905a.png

Nice and inconspicuous. Let's see what it is.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-026_zps2aa67a0b.png

Well, it's a bit hard to make out, so I'll explain. On top of the tower just to the left of Simon is a giant mirror that's reflecting what little sunlight penetrates the swamp into a greenhouse full of... medicinal herbs, shall we say.

In short, it's a dope factory. Y'know - for kids!

If we try to climb the tower, this happens:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-027_zps6f8b8a09.png

It's not as clear in this static image, but Simon's getting electrocuted. Not to death sadly, but it still brings a smile to my face.

The old guy who owns the enclosure then appears to tell us off.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-028_zpsb112f73a.png

Oh dear god, that may be the most horrific image I've seen all year.

IT WILL HAUNT MY NIGHTMARES.

Anyway. We get to talking to the guy. Turns out he's a retired wizard who's spending his days drinking moonshine and getting high.

Again - for kids!

We ask for a sip of his drink (despite Simon supposedly being underage - why do I have to keep bringing that up?) and the guy says no.

Unless... we get him three flowers growing in the swamp. Then he'll happily let us take a sip.

To aid us in our quest, he gives us this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-029_zpsa323b060.png

It's a book that lets us identify plants. I try it out on the (perfectly legal) garden he's got next to his house.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-030_zps38dbf233.png

REMEMBER THIS.

Anyway. That electric tower gives me an idea. What if we...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-031_zps673838ab.png

(Once again, note the rim of his hat)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-032_zps93143d04.png

Again - looks better in motion. Barely.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-033_zpse2985916.png

But hey! It worked! No beheadings today!

Before we go give him back to the princess though, we're going to go nick some stuff from the old drunk's house. He can't stop us - he's too wasted to move, apparently.

(Despite coming up to us after Simon shocked himself on the tower. Hmm.)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-034_zps12d45fa2.png

The only things worth taking are a mortar & pestle and a stick. So we take both of them.

OK, back to the princess!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-035_zps764da2ce.png

Did I mention she has an incredibly irritating faux-lisp?

Because she does. And it's incredibly irritating.

Now, uh, was there a reward, per chance?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-036_zps89f9aa29.png

Y'know what? Forget the reward. Don't need one. We'll... we'll just be off...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-037_zpscbc22b3a.png

...okaaaaaaay.

Now on this little island where the princess is (we'll ignore the question of how the hell she got onto this island in the first place), there's also a large-ish rock we can climb onto. Climbing onto ledges and such isn't generally something the game makes us do, so I didn't really think I could actually get up there at first, but I gave it a go anyway and surprise!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-038_zps234330aa.png

And we're up. Now the main point of interest up here is a flower we can see through a hole in the top:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-039_zpscbd555e4.png

If we use the book to identify it, Simon recognises it as one of the flowers the old man needed. Unfortunately we can't reach it through the hole.

Now, if we head back down and check the side of the rock, we find this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-040_zps7cf7ad0c.png

If we use Sir Squeaksalot with this hole, he runs inside, grabs the flower and brings it back to us. Huzzah! Two more to go.

We can actually place the little guy into that hole BEFORE we identify the flower, but he doesn't do anything but run around for a second.

Anyway. With the flower in our possession, let's see if we can give Sir Squeaksalot back to the princess.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-041_zps83c7e637.png

Yes, you're seeing that right. They placed the camera in the same spot where the princess is standing.

http://static.tumblr.com/qzlpe6e/s1Sm9i9b1/joker_clap.gif

Anyway. As thanks, she gives us some earmuffs.

...well of COURSE she does. What else would she give us?

Right. Next up, we're going to get some tar.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-042_zpsf89d5c16.png

This stuff.

First we pick up a bunch of it in the sacred bell (does the word 'sacred' mean NOTHING to Simon?).

Then, having first stuck the stick from the old man's house into the axe blade, we dip it into the tar to make sure it's stuck together and won't come apart if we use it.

End result: we have a bunch of tar and an axe. Stellar.

Now we're going to head across the bridge you see in that shot. Which leads us to:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-043_zpsdd04d3c1.png

Me? I'm Chris Madisun. Why, what's it to you?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-044_zps52c93ec3.png

GAH!

Jesus game, you can't just spring something like that on us! Christ!

...

OK. Summarizing again. This is a lawyer trying to get Swampy (also known in previous games as the Swampling) to leave. Swampy's on a small island we can't get to, and he's got his bomb ready to blow.

While we talk to the lawyer, he keeps spraying himself with insect repellent, and during the conversation we also find out that he's deathly allergic to bee stings.

So you know what that means!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-045_zps2f06db15.png

We vacuum up the bees from the beehive...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-046_zpscd929be6.png

...and then sic 'em on the lawyer.

Unfortunately, because of all the insect repellent, they don't actually sting him. Hmm. We'll have to come back to this later.

In the meantime, we'll go around him to find a tree. Well, with out newly repaired axe, we can totally cut that down!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-047_zpsffd73636.png

Oh! It talks! Oops.

Naturally, at discovering that the tree is a sentient being, Simon immediately stops and has a chat with it.

This is a big mistake, as the tree is immensely annoying.

Not even kidding. It's got a very fey voice, composes truly terrible poetry (though it's about on par with the rest of the writing in this game, to be honest) and he never shuts the hell up.

The only thing it has going for it is an origin story of how it came to talk - it got bored of doing nothing but photosynthesising so it grew a complete vocal communication system over a few hundred years.

Solely to deliver some absolutely awful poetry.

Ugh. Yeah, it needs to die. Let's try cutting it down again.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-048_zps791d343a.png

What.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-048_zps791d343a.png

WHAT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-048_zps791d343a.png

YOU'VE KILLED AT LEAST FOUR SENTIENT BEINGS SO FAR AND YOU'VE HORRIBLY INJURED COUNTLESS OTHERS AND NOW YOU CLAIM TO HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

FUCK. YOU.

...

Wait - we have some earmuffs, don't we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-049_zps099cc487.png

And that's the murder count up to five.

Oh, and we have a path across to Swampy now. All it took was the killing of a semi-living creature. Whoop-de-doo.

[Syd]

The Simon series has been a host to not-entirely-kid-friendly humor since the very beginning. I recall two separate marijuana-related jokes in the first Simon game, but they were at least decent enough to be worth a chuckle, and hearing them read out by Simon's original VA instead of that guy probably helped too.

Also, this is related to back when Simon got certified as a wizard and gained "fashion magic", but I do think that Simon got to use magic once in the first game, albeit briefly and not terribly effectively, during the duel with the witch. (One pretty big annoyance with Simon 1 was that you spent a good 80% of the game working on becoming a wizard, which was obviously a rip-off of influenced by Guybrush's pirate trials, then you barely get to do any magic at all. There was basically no payoff to that incredibly long and overly complicated quest.)

[Alcoremortis]

So... he's totally fine killing a sentient being that he can't hear begging him not to?

That... makes sense I guess. Please, Darth, kill this man. Put him out of our misery.

[Darth Marsden]

Two good points, Syd. Let me address them.

The Simon series has been a host to not-entirely-kid-friendly humor since the very beginning. I recall two separate marijuana-related jokes in the first Simon game, but they were at least decent enough to be worth a chuckle, and hearing them read out by Simon's original VA instead of that guy probably helped too.I don't recall the original games too well (it's been years since I played them) but a quick glance at walkthroughs for the pair reminds me that Simon's only gotten less and less kid-friendly as the series has gone on, and it wasn't particularly great for kids in the first place. Even so, these games didn't get any rated M or anything, so...

Also, this is related to back when Simon got certified as a wizard and gained "fashion magic", but I do think that Simon got to use magic once in the first game, albeit briefly and not terribly effectively, during the duel with the witch. (One pretty big annoyance with Simon 1 was that you spent a good 80% of the game working on becoming a wizard, which was obviously a rip-off of influenced by Guybrush's pirate trials, then you barely get to do any magic at all. There was basically no payoff to that incredibly long and overly complicated quest.)Oh yeah, I remember that. Vaguely.

The problem is, Simon's supposed to be a sorcerer (it's kind of implied by the title) but he hardly ever does any magic over the first three games. The witch duel in the first game is one, and there's an appallingly awful puzzle in the second game where Simon has to, completely unprompted by the player, turn a pair of dogs into 'hush puppies' in order to sneak past some guards. The dude hardly does anything befitting the name 'sorcerer'.

[Syd]

I played through the first Simon game a few months ago, so most of it is still pretty fresh in my mind. I played through about half of Simon 2 afterwards until I got tired of Simon's character and dropped it to go play something with a less irritating protagonist.

And yeah, I think that as the writing quality had degraded over the series, they went for more suggestive humor in an increasingly failed attempt to be funny.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



OK, so having walked across the now deceased carcass of a living tree, we can now finally talk to Swampy.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-050_zpsca4e8a1c.png

Ah. He doesn't recognise us. Fantastic.

...well, I suppose we are wearing different coloured robes...

(No, changing them back to red doesn't change anything)

Swampy claims that he doesn't believe Simon's actually Simon because, and I quote, Simon's "always being nasty to me".

Case in point:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-051_zps4a08a1d1.png

Yeah. Simon's never been particularly nice to Swampy, but being reminded of what a dick he was to the guy in the second game just emphasizes how badly written he's become.

Anyway. Swampy won't believe Simon's on his side unless he becomes an honorary Swampling. The first step to doing so is to consume an entire bowl of Swamp Stew, and if you've played the previous games, you know exactly where this is headed.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-052_zpsa5096627.png

Yes, it's something Simon doesn't want to do. Boo freakin' hoo. Rather wonderfully though, the game makes him do it anyway.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-053_zps72777e36.png

Does it work? Did it go down?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-054_zpsa47bed70.png

Nope - it made Simon vomit. Thankfully the game cuts away so we don't actually see him being sick, but we do get to hear it.

Oddly enough, the sounds of Simon being violently ill are somewhat relaxing.

Anyway. If we want to consume this Swamp Stew, we need to find some way for Simon to become oblivious to its taste. Getting roaring drunk seems like a good idea - so we need to find those other flowers for the old guy!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-055_zpscc2c906e.png

Not far from the tar is this giant plant. If the giant 'DANGER' sign didn't give it away, it's a tad dangerous. Here's what happens if you walk close to it:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-056_zps79e52765.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-057_zps7c0776aa.png

Yep - Simon gets eaten alive.

GLORIOUS.

After doing this a few dozen times, I eventually tire of it. We'll have to come back later to get past this thing.

So let's hop back on the croc and find something else to interact with.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-058_zps2cd907f9.png

Behind this waterfall was one of the plants we needed, just resting on that little island.

I, uh... forgot to record me getting it.

But it was there! Honest!

Well, we've only one plant left to get, and it's probably beyond that plant. Let's head past the waterfall and see what's there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-059_zps7626ae84.png
On the left is a bird table.
On the right is a giant boulder.
We can do something with one of these.
Guess which one.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-060_zps47a71e81.png

Remember the sesame seeds from the burger we made the fat wizard back in MucSwampys?

No?

Ah, whatever. Here's where we put them.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-061_zpsa0757f46.png

And a bird lands to eat them. Simon can't grab it though, since it flies away too quickly.

But wait! Remember that we filled the sacred bell full of tar?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-062_zps4498870d.png

Oh, we are cruel, cruel people.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-063_zps65d33153.png

Yep, it's stuck.

Not so stuck that we can't pick it up though. Oh no.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-064_zps1da100b6.png

So we're now carrying a cat (from the back alley), a frog (Prince Valient) AND a bird. At the same time.

Bear in mind we could, theoretically, also be carrying a hamster as well.

...

ADVENTURE GAME LOGIC!

Anyway. Let's go feed that poor defenceless bird to that plant.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-065_zps672fa640.png

...christ. What's the kill count now? Six?

But hey, while the plant's distracted, let's head around the back of it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-066_zpse9dbc54d.png

Very, very slowly. There's 45 seconds of my life I'm never getting back.

Anyway. This path leads to:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-067_zpsc77655b7.png

That's the last plant we need. Huzzah. So we grab it and head out the convenient other path leading from this little room.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-068_zps00981e14.png

...that's the entrance to the plant. The 'DANGER' sign is just off to the right of this shot.

...

WE DIDN'T NEED TO KILL AN INNOCENT BIRD TO GET PAST THE PLANT, SIMON JUST NEEDED TO CLIMB UP A GODDAMN LEDGE.

http://halleysblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/348066-ever_nervous_breakdown.jpg?w=645

Gah! Screw it! We've got the plants. Let's go give 'em to that goddamn old guy.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-069_zps8887846b.png

Dude. It can't be THAT bad.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-070_zpsf70f744c.png

Oh. Apparently it is, since it's made Simon invisible.

OK, it's actually meant to be a first-person perspective, but it's blatantly obvious that all they've done is made the model for Simon invisible.

Whatever the case, we make our way back over to Swampy...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-071_zpscc7bea28.png

Oh, only good things will come of this.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-072_zpsd7b5d4e0.png

ONLY GOOD THINGS.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-073_zps46f8ca36.png

See?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-074_zpsb10c936b.png

...yeah, I think we'll leave these two alone.

*shudder*

[der_ketzer]

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-074_zpsb10c936b.png

...yeah, I think we'll leave these two alone.

*shudder*



Swamp rape scene? I hope not.

[Alcoremortis]

No, Simon's eyes are still open, so he can't be unconscious. He must be...

:D:DDEAD!:D:D

[Darth Marsden]

No, Simon's eyes are still open, so he can't be unconscious. He must be...

:D:DDEAD!:D:DSadly not.


http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-075_zps54a6c890.png

Can't say I blame Simon here - I'd probably have the same reaction if that... thing tried to use CPR on me.

But hey, apparently passing out doesn't count against us, since Swampy counts us as having passed the first requirement to being an honorary Swampling.

What's the second requirement?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-076_zps452d60fa.png

Memorise the Swampy Song.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-077_zpse88e8b10.png

...which Simon memorises within seconds, despite (supposedly) being hung over.

Outstanding.

Now we can ask Swampy to come back to Poliganis and meet with Melissa McMassiveMelons.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-078_zps7f810a72.png

*sigh*

He won't go anywhere unless we can get the lawyer to sign a (poorly spelled) contract Swampy's written for him pledging to leave the swamp alone. Great.

(Simon also has a rant here about identical allotments being built everywhere, but it's poorly written and [as usual] badly delivered, so I'll spare you)

There's nowhere else we can really go besides that big boulder where eagle eyed viewers may have spotted a giant 'KEEP OWT' sign.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-063_zps65d33153.png]

Like so. Signs like that are written by Swampy (due to his poor literacy skills), so it stands to reason that the boulder leads to Swampy's lair.

We can't move it, but we can try to sing the Swampy Song...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-079_zps5ff8df25.png

*sigh again*

Well, because I'm somewhat competent, I guide Simon through the multiple choices and sing the correct song.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-080_zpsfc33696b.png

Glorious.

There's not a whole lot inside, to be honest.

...well, I SAY that. What I mean is that there's not a whole lot we can interact with.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-081_zpsdbf19d70.png

If we use the blueprints at the back (the only thing we can actually do anything with), Simon finds a turkey baster and a pair of oven gloves.

Which is a bit random, but there you go.

Anyway. We take both, and I use the turkey baster to pick up some honey from the fallen beehive (and pick up the bees in the vacuum cleaner again).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-082_zps4953a946.png

Like so.

We then spray the honey onto the lawyer...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-083_zps140b1738.png

Uh... what's going on with his hands? Is there... Are there two models in the same spot?

Well, I would expect nothing less.

Anyway. NOW if we spray him with the bees...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-046_zpscd929be6.png

...they SHOULD actually sting him this time.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-084_zpsa6eeae94.png

...yep.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-085_zpsf422df6a.png

...

...well, great. Now I feel like a total asshole. Are we 100% sure Simon's supposed to be a hero? I've long since stopped thinking he is, but this is just horrible.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-086_zps4b02b10b.png

Oh, and now we're blackmailing him into signing that contract before we help him.

I hate this game. I really do.

Right. Now, do you remember when we first got the book about plants? I told you to remember something.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-030_zps38dbf233.png

Yeah. That.

Well, we could probably do with some of that now, couldn't we?

Now since it only grow in direct sunlight, we'll need to move the mirror at the top of the electricuted tower onto that particular patch.

But we can't get up on top of that tower, since it's electricuted and all.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-087_zpsa8e5713d.png

Oh right. The oven gloves. Yeah, that'll work.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-088_zps46c6a773.png

Not that it pleases the old guy. Eh, whatever. Screw him.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-089_zps590ced3c.png

So we move the beam over to the flower patch and...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-090_zps11669f51.png

...voila.

We pick that up, mash it with the mortar & pestle and then feed it to the lawyer using the turkey baster.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-091_zpsa29a79cd.png

What was your kill count so far? Six? Yeah, not buying that for a second, Simon, you comtemptible little prick.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-092_zps5d74aba0.png

Oh well, let's hope it works.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-093_zps6503a261.png

It does. So not quite murder, but it's attempted murder at the very least.

Oh - and blackmail. There's another felony for the rap sheet.

So with the contract signed (and the lawyer running off and swearing vengeance I dearly hope he actually gets at some point), we can take it over to Swampy.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-094_zps42589578.png

Don't... don't do that again.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-095_zps3798db62.png

Oh, hello. What are you doing here? We were about to bring Swampy over to you.

(Also, Simon is expressing disgust over Swampy hugging him. It's rare for me to sympathise with the evil little bit of dog dirt, but here's one of those times)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-096_zpsa36509f4.png

Uh, what?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-097_zps4ac07561.png

WHAT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-098_zps82be15a7.png

WHAT!

Yes, Melissa LargeLoveLumps has, in fact, been Runt all this time.

This... this is actually a really good plot twist.

I know, I'm as shocked as you are!

It also explains how 'Melissa' got Simon's body out of Sordid's lair. It was all part of a plot to have Simon track down Swampy for the bad guys.

Quite why they NEED Swampy isn't explained, but they have him now, and it's all thanks to us.

Wow.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-099_zps8b6980f6.png

Yeah, focus on THAT, why don't you. Because that's clearly the important part of this whole mess.

So Runt teleports Swampy away and, because Simon's completely and utterly useless, uses his magic to drop the kid on top of the plunger for the bomb.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-100_zpse8f90b13.png

The resulting explosion is so powerful it knocks the new colour out of Simon's robe.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-101_zpsf479c949.png

[HelloCthulhu]

Dear god...how does one get from this to Simon the Sorcerer 5, which is actually a half-way decent adventure game with a funny plot?

[Jennifer]

Dear god...how does one get from this to Simon the Sorcerer 5, which is actually a half-way decent adventure game with a funny plot?

Simon 4 and 5 were made by a different developer.

[Darth Marsden]

Really? Never got round to playing the new ones. Surprised to hear that they're actually half-decent.

[Secret Fawful]

As am I. I really do miss the pixel art of the originals, though. They were pretty detailed, especially in animation. Are Simon 4 and 5 in English?

[Darth Marsden]

Yeah, they got translated.

[Syd]

Simon mysteriously became an American in Simon 4 and 5, but I have heard that they're an improvement over Simon 3.

Though just about anything is an improvement over Simon 3, except for maybe Limbo of the Lost. Now that's an abomination of a game.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



When we last left our main character, he was being blown into the next chapter.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C3-101_zpsf479c949.png

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-000_zpsb977c633.png

I've just realized that I haven't been showing you the loading screens, so there you go.

The levels barely take any time to load at all, but at every single one of these loading screens, we're forced to sit and wait until a little jingle finishes playing. The jingle lasts 7 seconds. And it SUCKS.

Anyway, as you can tell, we're now on chapter four. Chapter One was getting out of the pyramid and completing the joining process, Chapter Two was getting into Poliganis, and Chapter Three was finding Swampy.

...sorry. Got distracted. Where were we?

Right. The explosion manages to propel Simon ALL THE WAY back to the room where Calypso is.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-001_zps65255327.png

But naturally, he's fine.

Actually, make note of the fact that he crashed through a skylight in the roof of this room. The game doesn't really highlight this, but it'll come into play later.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-002_zps72ee1121.png

I'm going to skip over an INCREDIBLY long conversation here and summarise it for you. AGAIN.

Seriously, this cutscene is like 6 minutes long.

So it turns out that Calypso has a book of prophecies (by Nostramades - GEDDIT) and already knew Melissa was actually Runt. Calypso completely and utterly fails to explain why he didn't tell Simon sooner, pissing both him and me off.

Calypso has also learned that Sordid (remember him? The big bad guy from the beginning of the game?) is trying to oepn a doorway to the Nexus, the control center of the Universe.

According to the prophecies, he'll need some Magical Boots. The book has a picture of it, which he shows Simon.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-003_zps8e483623.png

It's a CD. Simon explains what they are to Calypso, and says that they're running on one right now, which, given I'm running the GOG version that doesn't USE CDs, renders the line hilarious in hindsight.

Calypso then explains that the 'seedy' we need will be in a Dragon's Horde. He sends us after the dragon Sodinhell (Oh, my sides).

Simon comments that he remembers the dwarf who gave us HAMMOR saying something about a dragon they were fighting. It could well be the same one.

And with all that explained, we FINALLY get control of Simon back.

And the first thing I do?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-004_zps330e36cd.png

Back in Black. Obviously.

At this point in the game, no doubt due to the chapter change, a few things have changed around the world. After grabbing an empty pint glass from the bar, we'll go to the closest one - it's in the Games Room.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-005_zpse5742926.png

Yep, it's a pool table. That we can't use, because there's a gold coin jammed in the coin slot.

We FINALLY make use of the BBQ tongs (of all things) to get it out of the slot and into our inventory, and then we can try and use the table.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-006_zpsbf13132d.png

If we take a look...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-007_zpsef66f6f9.png

HA!

It turns out to be a rat.

...

Hey, remember that cat from the back alley?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-008_zps52225efa.png

Yeah, that one. In it goes!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-009_zpsf4bf020b.png

And that's the rat taken care of. Now, let's get that cat out of there...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-010_zpscc931f0a.png

DOUBLE HA!

Well we can't do anything else here, so we'll have to come back later.

The other changes to the world all take place in the large open fields, so we'll head over there.

Now, you remember that video I made where I ran all over the place for 8 minutes?

In particular, do you remember the bit where I ran into a dead end?

Well, it's dead no more!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-011_zps9430782f.png

Yep, here's where the dwarves have set up camp for their attack on the dragon.

And their great plan of attack?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-012_zps697505f8.png

Get drunk...

(notice that horrendous texture underneath the fire!)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-013_zps225f0c13.png

...hop into a catapult...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-014_zps15ecdd93.png

...and fling themselves at the dragon.

Which promptly eats them.

...

There's not a lot we can do here at the moment - but we'll be back. We'll need to take out the dragon so the Rainbird won't get scared away when we try to land at its lair.

One of the other changes in the world is back with the treasure hunter we stole the metal detector from.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-015_zpsbd2d1585.png

He's gone and trained himself a mole, who's been bringing him food while he's been trapped inside the hole he could EASILY CLIMB OUT OF.

Unfortunately, he then tried to train it to find gold, and he hasn't seen it since.

So guess what we're going to do.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-016_zpsbe730d01.png

Yep. We're gonna marry steal the mole.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-017_zps3b64299b.png

Unfortunately I can't show you Simon actually grabbing the mole, because both times I did this (the game crashed shortly after I did this the first time, so I had to load a savegame) the game seemed to skip over the grabbing animation, going right to the 'tucking thing into satchel' animation.

Glitch? Lazy animators? Who can say?

Anyway. Near to where the Butterfly catcher was are some sleeping flowers.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-018_zpse819956b.png

Yep, these are the ones. And when I said they were sleeping flowers, I meant it. THEY SNORE.

We couldn't do anything with them before, but hey, we've got that book for identifying plants now! Let's see what they are.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-019_zpsb78561fe.png

That'll be useful. We'll have some of that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-020_zps984e4205.png

And we'll immediately put it into the dwarves drink. Let's see what happens.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-012_zps697505f8.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-013_zps225f0c13.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-014_zps15ecdd93.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-021_zpsd6629770.png

Hey - if it's not voiced by Sean Connery, it's going DOWN.

Anyway, the path's now clear for us to take the Rainbird to the Dragon's Lai- OH I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE.

Before we go though, we're gonna grab some of their EXTREMELY strong alcohol in the glass we took from the pub. Why? I dunno. I'm sure it'll come in handy though.

So it's off to the Dragon's L...

...it's off to the LAIR THAT BELONGS TO THE DRAGON. >:-(

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-022_zps2f4d1d5b.png

Wow. We'll never find the CD in all THAT.

...wait. We still have that fourth-wall-braking copy of the Feeble Files, don't we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-023_zpsc73e3a62.png

And by way of rubbing a CD on its nose, our mole is now trained to find them. So let's throw him into the pile and see what he turns up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-024_zps72c0da00.png

Is it technically possible to dig through gold? I'd have thought no, but...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-025_zps44033075.png

...apparently I'd be wrong.

So the CD's in a locked chest, apparently. And of course we don't have the key.

What we DO have is a pint of dwarven ale.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-026_zps58d1e8e0.png

Anyone else getting Monkey Island flashbacks?

No?

OK then. Let's see what's inside!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-027_zpsaebac7a7.png

It's the CD! And it's encased in a block of glass. Bugger.

We can't just smash it on the ground or whatever, oh no. That might damage it.

Hmm. There's a gong in here, isn't there? Maybe if we ring that with HAMMOR, it'll shatter the glass (which'd probably damage the CD as well, but SHUT UP, it's adventure game logic!).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-028_zps82b0e82e.png

Nope. Just broke the gong. Bugger.

...

Wait, we still have that Sacred Bell, don't we? Maybe we could try that instead?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-029_zps720739d8.png

Well it FITS, but does it do the job?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-030_zpsa61035af.png

Yes. Yes it does. Huzzah.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all we need to do for Chapter 4. I know, I was surprised too, but nope. That's it.

Well, we could do other stuff as well, but it makes more sense for us to do them in the next chapter (which begins as soon as we take the CD back to Calypso), so we'll do it then.

[HelloCthulhu]

chapter 4: the intermission.

[WarpSpeed]

Or he could have just waited for AOL to mail him one.

Yes, I know that's a useless comment, but it does get us to the next page!

[coolsome]

Mountains can't be friends.

[GuruGuru214]

I've been sick all week, and there's been nothing like this thread to make me question whether or not my illness has made me delirious.

Because really, a game this bad has to be a hallucination, right?

[Darth Marsden]

I'd put that down more to you playing Sonic Colours. Now THAT game's bad for your health.

[GuruGuru214]

I actually haven't played Sonic Colors. And I have to skip it and 2006 because I don't own them. They're just sitting in the list where I would play them if I did own them.

[Darth Marsden]

Yeah, I meant HEROES. Oops.

[GuruGuru214]

Meh, it's not so bad until you slowly drive yourself insane trying to get more than two Chaos Emeralds. Certainly, it's not as bad as this Simon game. Of course, that does diminish the entertainment value of watching someone suffer through it.

[Secret Fawful]

Yeah, from what I've seen every version of Colors is GOOD. I liked Heroes when I was a kid, but seeing Guru play it, it's really bland and kind of ugly.

[Darth Marsden]

Let's... let's not talk about it. If we do, we'll have to discuss what comes after Sonic Heroes.

And you don't want that. Oh god. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.



Onwards to Chapter 5!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-000_zps3bdd8cdf.png

So we take the CD back to Calypso and he tells us what we need to do next, according to the prophesies of Nostramades.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-001_zpsb6e7c0db.png

Here's the prophecy in full:

The King of Fools destroys them,
Lady of Steel, Hero of Light,
King of East and a Prince Brave.
All must journey forth to prevent a great change.

The King of Fools is clearly Simon :), but who are the other four?

Well, Calypso whips out his magical scrying ball and shows us where to find them.

(Calypso flat-out says he FORGOT to use it when we were searching for Swampy. GRR.)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-002_zpsc8236cce.png

The Lady of Steel is clearly Melissa Leg. The REAL one this time.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-003_zps0464034e.png

The Hero of Light is called Coneman the Barabrain (yeah, I know), and he's the guy who we crushed under a cart.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-004_zps2cdb2234.png

The King of the East is... well, it's the guy we killed by eating the Sacred Peach early.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-005_zps7bee507e.png

And finally, the Prince Brave is Prince Charming, whom we got turned into a frog.

So, basically, because Simon's been such a massive asswipe, he's gone and made his own life six times more complicated.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-006_zps304be6e8.png

Great.

So we've got to find the real Melissa Leg, get Coneman out from under the cart (and repair his broken back!), resurrect the Prince of the East and find some way of turning Prince Charming back into a human.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-007_zps97e11a07.png

Inadvertently?

INADVERTANTLY?

...

...excuse me while I go and scream at the top of my lungs while standing in the rain.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ls93dpLFLv1r3v6f2o1_500.gif

...ah, that's better.

Now. We need to ask Calypso about changing the Prince back and how to resurrect the King of the East.

We'll ask about the Prince first.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-008_zps18f06dfc.png

He says that Princess Austin is in town - they're holding a tournament to find her a suitable... well, suitor.

He then explains that he has a friend who can sneak us into the tournament. We'll find him at the side entrance at night.

Right. That's that then. As for the King of the East?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-009_zps8f9febc2.png

OK. He gives us the soul jar he used in the opening cutscene and explains that in order to capture his soul, something valuable must be placed inside the jar to lure him in.

We'll then need the body, and once we have the two, then Calypso will perform the joining ritual.

OK then! We have ourselves a plan (and the King of the East gets an actual name - Jar Nin).

We'll go grab Jar's body first, since I know where THAT is.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-010_zpsaa76c9ed.png

Uh... where'd it go?

No, really. Where'd it go? No-one ever mentions it.

Well, whoever moved him, they've left behind a rather expensive looking necklace. So let's try and grab that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-011_zps3094b7d2.png

Nope, stuck. Must be why it got left behind.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-012_zps0e40dc98.png

What in the seven layers of hell? Is that tree talking to me?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-013_zps3311aa4a.png

Oh.

It's worth pointing out that this particular woodworm talks like a terrorist. Infidel this and filthy son of a jackal that. It's rather reminiscent of stuff Osama bin Laden would say, and every bit as uncomfortable.

Long story short - if we get them some weapons, they'll eat the tree so we can get at the necklace.

Now, before we go ahead and track down the others, I just want to head back to Calypso quickly. See, I forgot to ask him what we're going to do once we've gotten the four warriors of light together.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-014_zps788ea7fd.png

*sigh*

Is is worth asking what's still legible?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-015_zpsd20d2c7e.png

Oh PLEASE be Simon oh please oh please oh please.

Now, I don't normally feature dialogue scenes taken straight from the game, but when we get conversations like this...

...well, you'll see where I'm going with this.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-016_zpsfb411563.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-017_zps71086115.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-018_zps27728083.png

...this is absolutely HILARIOUS in hindsight.

In case you don't know, this game completely ruined AdventureSoft, and it's really no surprise as to why. Hell, this thread's 8 pages long - take your pick.

But that wasn't the end for Simon, oh no. He had two more games - Chaos Happens and Who'd Even Want Contact?!, both made by Silver Style Entertainment.

A German developer.

...

I'm not even kidding.

The series was fairly popular in Germany, so it's no surprise that a German developer would want to make more games in the series.

From what I can tell, they're actually not that bad either. Certainly better than this piece of crap.

So yeah, that's why that was so hilarious. AdventureSoft actually managed to unintentionally predict that the series would be continued in Germany.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-019_zps9426a5c0.png

Yes you do Simon. Yes you do.

[Syd]

That bit about Germany is hilarious. It's a bit sad when the funniest part of this game was a completely unintentional but eerily accurate prediction of the series' future.

Edit: Now that I think about it, AdventureSoft might have already been pretty sure that Simon 3D was going to destroy them about partway through development, and they put that line in because that was the likely fate of the series after that.

[corruptbiggins]

Well technically Simon 3D was made by Headfirst Productions (formed by the Woodroffes) as Adventure Soft just became a publisher. It was their (Headfirst) 2nd game that bankrupted them, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth.

[Secret Fawful]

Well technically Simon 3D was made by Headfirst Productions (formed by the Woodroffes) as Adventure Soft just became a publisher. It was their (Headfirst) 2nd game that bankrupted them, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth.

Good lord. That was such a bloody masterpiece compared to this tripe!

[Darth Marsden]

...boo.

Sorry this took so long to get back to. I got distracted by... Well, let's just say that if I'm working on something big and then I get distracted, it takes me a while to get back to it.

But I'm here now, so let's get on with it!



So... where were we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-020_zpsa2177240.png

Oh, right. Coneman.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-021_zpscf8dc70a.png

Using the jack with the cart should be enough to get him out.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-022_zps5ff105da.png

Ah. Yes. Well, that may count against us.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-023_zps9b78a28c.png

Oh, yeah. That too. Heh.

So we're gonna have to find some way of fixing his back, and then convince him to not rip us limb from limb (heh - you don't know how funny that comment is yet).

Basically, we'll have to leave him for now.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-024_zpse78c44f2.png

So while running around town, I notice something odd about the church. If you look above the door in the texture that's supposed to represent a hedge, you can see something on the roof of the church.

Let's go see what that is.

But how to get up there?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-025_zps1bc66545.png

A rope. Right. So, do we climb it?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-026_zps777c767d.png

Actually, no.

It's a little hard to explain using pictures, but I'll do my best.

Basically, we pull the rope down and when it goes back up, we grab on to it and let it carry us up. As you can imagine, this doesn't get us all the way up on the first try, so when we land we have to let the rope go further down before we grab on to it and let it carry us up again.

We need to repeat this about 4 times before we have enough height to reach the actual roof.

And does the game bother to tell us how to do this?

OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOESN'T.

This took me about 5 minutes of experimentation before I managed to figure out what I was supposed to be doing.

God this game sucks. It sucks so bad.

So anyway. The roof.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-027_zps9b53dc40.png

Oh hai Goldilocks!

[/Tommy Wiseau Impression]

Another summary. She's basically trying to steal the lead from the Church roof, but she didn't realize it'd be so heavy, so she offers to split the cash she gets for it with Simon if we figure out a way of getting it down from the roof and to the inn.

This is another puzzle we'll have to come back to later, so we'll do just that.

OK. So we can't do anything with Coneman yet, and we can't do anything with Jar Nin yet. Since we don't know where Melissa Leg is, we'll have to focus on Prince Charming (or whatever his name is).

Now since he's a frog, he probably needs to kiss a princess to be changed back. And Calypso mentioned meeting someone to get into a tournament she's at, so let's go see him.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-028_zps6a1e5e5a.png

This is back where we got the Varnish for our Conker, if you recall.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-029_zps6ca289b2.png

Oh, those graphics. I'd forgotten how atrocious they were. This guy in particular - it looks like he's been stretched on a rack for about 3 years.

Anyway. This guy will get us in, but only if we help him with the fireworks display that'll start the tournament. We have to come back at night to do so.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-030_zps3627183a.png

Yes, I remembered to take a picture with the right outfit this time. Go me.

(And I know I keep going on about this, but notice the rim of his hat? It should be white, but it switches to yellow every time a cutscene takes place where Simon actually performs an action. I honestly don't know why, but it's incredibly distracting)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-031_zpsfa8222fb.png

And here we are.

OK. So you know how Guitar Hero works, with the colors scrolling down the screen and you having to press the right button when it reaches the bottom?

This works very much like that. Only it's not scrolling from top to bottom, it's scrolling from left to right.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BUTTONS ARE.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-032_zps5ef27353.png

This is all we get. And I know this seems like a perfectly fine explanation, but bear in mind we only get told this once, and when the actual minigame starts...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-033_zps5043b47f.png

...this is what we get. So... what do I press for yellow?

Since this is a bunch of screenshots, you can look at the last-but-one image, read that Left is for a Roman Candle and then look back at the other image and see that Candle is Yellow, and so deduce that I have to press Left when the Yellow icon hits the green area.

Now, what's Red? And what's Purple?

Can you deduce all those in about 5 seconds? Can you remember them under pressure? Hell, can you remember what key Use Item was?

Unless you're some sort of genius, you won't remember any of it. And that's why this minigame is so awful.

We're not given any time to practice, which would have been immensely helpful, we're just thrown into this and expected to do well.

Which, naturally, I don't. I completely balls it up, to be perfectly frank.

Thankfully you're given an infinite number of tries to get this right, but here's the thing - you're never retold what the controls are. So as time goes on, you won't even remember that.

Combined with the panic that you'll no doubt be facing each time you try this, you're not going to get better. If anything, you're going to get worse.

Eventually I had to pause the game, minimise it, consult a walkthough to find out which buttons do what, write them down on a bit of paper and then try again, AND I STILL DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT UNTIL THREE TRIES LATER.

This is far from the worst minigame we'll have to go through in this game. In fact it's actually not all that bad. But because it's so poorly explained, it's the one I'll despise the most whenever I think back on this game.

*sigh*

So eventually, after 20 MINUTES OF TRYING (no, I'm not exaggerating, I literally spent 20 minutes on this one stupid minigame), I got it right. Hoo-fucking-ray.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-034_zpsa5081fd3.png

And as a result, the tournament (or, let's call it what it is, the fair) will be open in the morning.

But we'll have to tackle that next time, because I need another break. Ugh.

[WarpSpeed]

"Is that a sign the tournament is starting?"

"Can't be. The fireworks are in the wrong sequence."

"Oh, just someone playing around with expensive pyrotechnics for no reason, then. Never mind."

[Darth Marsden]

I believe I failed that challenge around 15-20 times before I got it right. Decent fireworks are NOT cheap, so think of how expensive my fuck-ups must have been. Well, that's what you get for not explaining shit correctly!



Right. Let's check out that fair then, shall we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-030_zps3627183a.png

In the morning, obviously.

Now, if we head through what I like the call the 'Magic Square' (since it's got all the magic-related buildings in it), we should find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-035_zps8ad38955.png

A gate. Now up until now, this has been locked, but since the tournament's started, it's been unlocked.

Not that it's particularly easy to tell, since it looks exactly the same and is therefore easily overlooked.

*sigh*

Anyway, we use it and a new map loads. And in this new map...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-036_zpsacfa1d11.png

A FUNFAIR! WEE! I WANT SOME COTTON CANDY!

But before we can go and actually explore the fair, these two show up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-037_zps922ff4ef.png

It's a pair of demons who run the fair. They've encountered Simon in a previous game where he screwed them over or something (I'm guessing it was the second game, since Simon wasn't a complete douche in the first one).

They CLAIM that they've given up on revenge and are just here to entertain people. Naturally they almost immediately confirm that that's a complete and utter lie, and all the attractions are rigged in their favour.

...so how's that different from any other funfair?

There's a nice dig at Hollyoaks (a truly terrible British soap aimed at teenagers), but otherwise this conversation serves absolutely no further point.

SO ON WITH THE FAIR! WOO!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-038_zpsafa7db1c.png

The whole fair's basically set up on a circle, with this in the middle. Might as well get this one out of the way first.

It's VERY hard to see due to the poor texture resolution, but the text on the side of the caravan (that's obscured by the Lens Flare in this shot, sorry) reads 'MADAM SPANGLES ACTUPUNCTURE'.

Acupuncture could come in handy for Coneman, so we'll check it out.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-039_zpsadcbf483.png

If you guessed the joke is that these guys run everything to a very questionable degree, you win a no-prize.

Anyway. They don't make house street calls, but they CAN deal with Coneman's back problem. So we'll have to find a way to make use of that later.

NEXT!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-040_zps9fc50432.png

A shooting gallery. SWEET.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-041_zpscafcded5.png

Aw. No guns for me. :(

Either way, I ace this on the first go, because I'm just that awesome. And my prize?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-042_zps0ef16e15.png

...woo.

It's not a very nice teddy bear either.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-043_zpsaff73223.png

Lovely.

Anyway, as soon as I finish this game, I immediately bump into this annoying little brat who's wandering around the place.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-044_zpsd2b8dbd0.png

Blah blah blah, he wants a gobstopper. A RED gobstopper. Fine, whatever, NEXT!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-045_zpsd1dbc728.png

An arcade machine. I wonder if they'll actually let me play thi-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-046_zps71f017ba.png

...huh. OK game, whaddya got?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-047_zps7480944f.png

Space Invaders.

It's a Space Invaders clone.

And it's actually not bad.

...

I honestly do not know what to say.

Anyway. At one point for each ship I destroy, I manages to make it to 112 before dying, which is more than enough to get... something.

To find out what it is, I had to open the inventory screen and see what I'd just picked up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-048_zps886bbf4f.png

Sunglasses. Of course.

NEXT!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-049_zpsfe877b9c.png

Ah, the Wonder Wheel.

Unfortunately, the game is currently rigged so that you always lose, so let's leave it for now and move on.

If we head down the path next to the Wonder Wheel, we can see this:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-050_zpsdcb97d36.png

Naturally, this leads to a bit of a tunnel maze. Not a very complicated one mind, but remember that the clipping sucks and... yeah.

Anyway. Said maze leads us to...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-051_zpsce2f18ad.png

...behind the Wonder Wheel.

See that giant magnet? That's what's causing us to lose whenever we play it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-052_zpsdb227dc4.png

Well, it WAS, anyway.

So let's go and give the Wonder Wheel a go and see what happens now.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-053_zps5065f8d1.png

Boosh!

And as you might have guessed, our prize is the pea shooter that Simon was admiring earlier. Awesome.

...we'll continue the fun next time. Come back for more fun at the fair!

[Syd]

Nice to see you updating this LP again.

Those two demons first show up near the end of the first game. Simon actually helps them out in the first game, since they want to go back to hell for some reason or another, but due to demon rules or something like that, they can't tell Simon their real names, which is required in the whole sending-them-back-to-hell ritual thingy. After utilizing the old tried and true method of using items on other items, Simon eventually discovers their real names and sends them on their way.

If Simon did something that they now hate him for, it must be from the second game, and that doesn't surprise me since Simon is a complete douche to everyone he encounters in Simon 2.

[Darth Marsden]

Ah. Thanks for that.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



OK, we're heading back to that open area with the hedge tunnel maze.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-054_zps015e0c90.png

See, in this area, there's a snake statue we can use (it's on the right of this image). And when we do...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-055_zpsc2516a3a.png

...this appears. Right smack in the middle of this area.

It's actually done via a cluncky fade-to-black-then-fade-back-to-new-map effect.

Whatever. Let's head inside and see what's what.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-056_zps884ac96d.png

Oh, and now they're Voodoo Priests. Yeah. Of course. Makes perfect sense.

In short, they can make a voodoo doll of someone, but they need the doll and some children's teeth.

Children's teeth. Hmm. I sense some child abuse just around the corner.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-057_zps55a881e9.png

Actually, THIS is what's just around the corner (d'ya see what I did there? God I'm witty).

On the left, a cotton candy stall GIMME GIMME GIMME!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-058_zps62b2c8c0.png

Yays! OM-NOM-NOM!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-059_zpsad0d28b0.png

...wait, what? Why won't you eat it now? IT'S CANDY FLOSS! Y'know, ON-NOM-NOM?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-060_zps0c8e4d12.png

Oh, it's rock hard.

...

...I'd still eat it.

Anyway. Inside that giant tent:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-061_zps598c419d.png

An actual flea circus! With real fleas for once!

...let's nick 'em.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-062_zps3f7c7042.png

So now we have a flea-infested teddy bear and a very unhappy demon.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-063_zps2203f6bb.png

Well, he WOULD be unhappy if he couldn't just turn on the machine that moves the trapeze stuff.

...

NOW it's a real carnival!

Anyway. We're going to take a quick break from the carnival so we can return to the pub.

Remember that pool table we shoved a cat into?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-064_zpsbf0068ee.png

Yep, we're giving the cat fleas. Let's see what that does.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-065_zps58948a1e.png

Well, it's not the most evil thing we've done in this game, but still pretty douchey.

But with the cat gone, we can reach inside the table and fetch out two snooker balls - one red, one yellow.

I know what we can do with the red one. Do you?

...

Well, it's gonna have to wait, 'cause we're going to the pub garden first.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-066_zps698e7fc1.png

That lady right there is a wig trader.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-067_zpsfcc01e30.png

Yes. Yes it is.

I'll skip the not-at-all-funny conversation with her and skip to the chase. We give her the candy floss (NO! I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO EAT THAT!) and she gives us her wig in return.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-068_zps20261b41.png

...let's go get some kid's teeth, shall we? Yeah, that sounds reasonably sane.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-069_zps83e2afa0.png

Add Child Abuse to the list of crimes this game's made us commit.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-070_zps54d148d8.png

Right, so we have our teeth. Our bloody, sticky teeth.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-071_zpsfdbd7dc2.png

I most certainly hope so, you little cock-bite.

The rest of the fair next time. Hope we don't have to viciously hurt anyone else (though we probably will).

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



Right. Up next is the Test Your Strength game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-072_zpscbd34cc8.png

Looks like someone's already there.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-073_zps3128e2db.png

Ah, the guy who gave us HAMMOR.

Blah blah blah his clan was all wiped out by the dragon, he needs a symbol to restart it, blah blah blah.

Well, the obvious answer is to give back HAMMOR. Symbol found, problem solved.

Oh, but now he wants to win this Test Your Strength game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-074_zps46092e3e.png

...kay.

Naturally though, he's not allowed to HAMMOR on the game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-075_zps88b5ae6a.png

Like so.

The answer to this actually uses the 3D aspect of the game in an intelligent way.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-076_zps17adfe7b.png

If you can't tell, what we have to do is stand the other side of the demon and talk to him so that he turns to face us and isn't looking at the game, allowing the dwarf to use HAMMOR on it and win.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-077_zpsb63dfa5b.png

Huzzah.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-078_zps1dc4b0f8.png

Yeah, the prize was a black T-Shirt, which we promptly take off his hands (well, it wouldn't fit him anyway).

We actually have all we need to go and save the Frog Prince now, but we'll finish going through the fair first.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-079_zps0811986b.png

This one's a ball toss. Could it possibly be rigged?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-080_zps64090122.png

No idea, but it's turned Simon's sleeve back to red, so that's probably not a good sign.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-081_zpsb06927c1.png

Well, that should fit...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-082_zpsa24a8668.png

...oh. Yeah, it's rigged. The ball's too big to actually fit in the hole.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-083_zps016b58db.png

Well, he's got me there.

The solution to this might not come to you immediately, but if you recall, we got two snooker balls. We've used the red one, which leaves us with the yellow one.

Maybe if we swap it with one of the yellow balls the demons give us?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-084_zpsa1816053.png

Boosh!

And our prize is...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-085_zpsf4ecc97d.png

So now we have what we need to fix Coneman as well.

But the last fairground attraction awaits!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-086_zpsb8b5586e.png

It's a little hard to tell, but this is a water squirting game, or Aqua Derby, as the game calls it.

But before we can actually play it, the demons show up and remind us of everything we've put them through.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-087_zps24152c45.png

This explains SO MUCH.

Ayway. We say we want to play, and since it's a race we need someone to play against.

Fortunately, we've made several evemies over the course of this game, and one such person challenges us.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-088_zps4e28f16b.png

The Conkers Kid! (The lesser-known relative of the Milky Bar Kid. His outfit may have had something to do with his failure)

After some utterly unfunny banter between him and Simon, the game is on.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-089_zps3ae65701.png

...and here it is.

This isn't all that awful, to be honest. We just need to spray whichever of the three holes happens to be open at the time (they open anti-clockwise).

It's not too difficult, and is easily won.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-090_zps24a3a0bb.png

Is... is the Conkers Kid going to the toilet?

Anyway. Our prize for THIS game?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-091_zps597d65c8.png

A tub of Toy Soldiers, like what was in the first Toy Story or *shudder* Army Men.

And now we 'technically' have all we need to fix the dead guy as well. Jar Nin, wasn't it? Eh, whatever.

Since we're done with the fair, I need a break to calm down. We'll fix everyone up next time.



Can I get some people posting in this thread please? We're over 100 pictures on this page alone. Thanks.

[ryannumber1gamer]

Maybe for your next picture Let's Play you should do Doctor Who The Eternity Clock:D

[corruptbiggins]

The fairground bit is one of the better parts of the game. Too bad it's over pretty quickly.

[Syd]

I eagerly await Simon's next atrocity.

[der_ketzer]

Doctor Who The Eternity Clock:D

Wait there is an L in the title for this game. Wasted money then.

[Darth Marsden]

I won't do a Let's Play of The Eternity Cock (snigger). It wouldn't be very interesting.

[ted12]

I won't do a Let's Play of The Eternity Cock (snigger). It wouldn't be very interesting.

I beg to differ. You can make any boring LP interestikng. All you need is a terrible game and some dental surgery. Case in point:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ooiBGBmZsw

[Darth Marsden]

I meant a screenshot Let's Play. You can't really do one of those with a platformer. Very dull.

A VIDEO Let's Play is perfectly doable. I just. Don't. Want. To.

EDIT: Also, reviewing Simon's list of crimes, I've come to realize that one of them isn't technically Murder, but Animal Cruelty, so I'm retroactively changing it. Sadly, this takes his current kill-count down from Six to Five.

HOWEVER. I now present, so far, the entire list of crimes Simon has committed. See if you can identify what each one was! Cookie for the first person to do so.

Murder: 5 counts
Theft: 2 counts
Animal Cruelty: 4 counts
Kidnapping
Aiding and Abetting a Fugitive
Grievous Bodily Harm: 4 counts
Trespassing (you won't get this one - it's actually for entering the old drunk's hut in the swamp, since he doesn't want you there)
Blackmail
Animal Poaching: 2 counts
Child Abuse

[der_ketzer]

I just. Don't. Want. To.

Well speaking from experience of a viewer you shouldn't. We were all glad when Drake came to an end.:D

[Darth Marsden]

We were all glad when Drake came to an end.:D
Christ, I need to finish that Let's Play at some point. *shudder*

Also, check my previous post for a chance to win a cookie.

[Darth Marsden]

No-one wanted to try? Oh well, I guess I get all the cookies then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/COOKIES_zps12252489.jpg

(Shut up, the lighting was awful)

Anyway. I'm still working on the full review of this game, hence the lack of proper updates for a couple of days. They'll return soon, I promise. To make up for it though, here's a clip from said review, highlighting Simon's crimes. (http://youtu.be/Nerh0KHl6ZY)

Enjoy!

[St_Eddie]

I'm not sure how I missed this thread before but I've read all 9 pages of it today... good stuff (the 'let's play', not the game itself obviously). Seeing what an uber-nutsack Simon is, will surely make Joe King seem a lot more likable from now on!

[Darth Marsden]

Oh hell, I forgot all about this. Bugger.

I'll get back to this next week, promise.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back. Finally. Oops.

The reason for the delay was actually two-fold, so allow me to explain.

First, there was my review (and subsequent addendum going into more detail about the minigames). As I said in the first post of this thread, I was doing this while the video I captured was being converted in less hard-drive raping sizes. Well, that process had finished and I could finally work on putting the reviews together, which I did, putting this Let's Play on hold during the process.

Second, and this was the big one - I realized I was missing some footage from the next part of the Let's Play! This meant I had to go back and replay the game to get it, and that would require finding a savegame from before the puzzle had been solved. Which I didn't have.

So I kind of put the whole thing off and forgot about it. Not very professional, I admit, but there you go. Fortunately, St. Eddie reminded me I really should be getting on with this, so here we are!

Now then. Where were we?



Ah yes, we were going to fix everyone up. Let's start with Coneman the Barabrain, since he's the one I had to go back and get new footage for (which'll explain the difference in screenshot size & quality, sorry).

We have the kid's teeth (from giving him the 'gobstopper') and we have a toy ACTION FIGURE of the man in question, so let's go get our voodoo on.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-092_zps671f2a7f.png

We hand over the teeth (which, if you look in the top-right corner, you can see are still bloody) and...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-093_zpsa51f5637.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-094_zpsb3edd085.png

...the demons just eat them.

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lplp69g3ZF1qaw8fa.gif

That... that's just disturbing (and not at all a completely random excuse to insert an animated image from one of my favourite movies, no sir).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-095_zpsa292efb5.png

Yes. Yes we have.

Screw it. Voodoo up that doll, bitches.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-096_zps09776349.png

...

http://media.tumblr.com/361b81eb66a1f18c592b443942e8e226/tumblr_inline_mgycqf7jJg1qf64rj.gif

*sigh*

We now have a voodoo doll of Coneman the Barabrain. Why? Because the acupuncturist-demons don't do house calls, so we'll have to get them to do their work on the voodoo doll.

So let's go do that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-097_zps309a6676.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-098_zps620bdfff.png

http://i48.tinypic.com/nxuys.jpg

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-099_zps3b4c9a2e.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-100_zpsa3924c6a.png

But... but you're the one who gave...

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSUBDOTGd2ch2_WFt8hcmBYggfK3Tkc1 Js6BhjWixl95gVcbUEgGg

...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-101_zps54489435.png

Dude, don't encourage him.

Anyway, he gets his partner to do his thing on the doll.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-102_zps14ff0d86.png

Oh, THAT'S encouraging.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-103_zps527b765c.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-104_zpsedcdb694.png

Uh-oh.

(And yes, he is doing the fist-pump dance thing. It's every bit as stiff and painful to watch as you'd imagine)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-105_zpsefa97613.png

Oh phew. That's a relief.

And if you've seen my review of the game, then you'll know EXACTLY how that second part turns out and are no doubt counting down the seconds until I cover it here.

Right. So we've gotten Coneman all fixed up - let's get on with the others. Just to remind us of who we've got to go, here's a handy dandy list:

- Coneman the Barabrain
- Jar Nin (the corpse)
- Prince Charming (the frog)
- The REAL Mellisa Leg (the hero)

All this*, next time!



*DISCLAIMER: We will not cover all of this in the next session

[St_Eddie]

Yay! I'm glad that you're continuing this. You suffer so that we don't have to. Marsden, us humble forumites salute you.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back. Crickey, two updates in one day? It's almost like I'm apologising or something!



Up next on the list of heroes is Jar Nin, the guy we killed, so let's go resurrect the guy.

This is a multi-part quest - we need to find his body (or, as it turns out, his ashes) and his soul, which has been lost somewhere since his death.

If you recall, Calypso gave us the soul jar he used in the opening cutscene so we could find and contain Jar Nin's soul, and he also told us we needed something valuable to lure him into the jar.

A brief reminder of what happened when we went to find his body under the tree:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-010_zpsaa76c9ed.png

His body was gone, but there was a nice looking necklace underneath it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-011_zps3094b7d2.png

A necklace we couldn't get.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-012_zps0e40dc98.png

Fortunately there were some terrorist woodworms who we struck a bargain with - we get them guns, they chew away the tree so we can grab the necklace.

Well, we won some toy soldiers at the fair, so let's see if that'll do the job.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-106_zps5351588e.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-107_zps7546a2e8.png

Yes. Robots. Let's... let's go with that.

And their end of the bargain could be done with a standard image, but I'm feeling a little more animated than that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-108_zps8e0bbb7e.gif

Go Ninja! Gif Ninja! Go Ninja! Gif Ninja!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-109_zps89ed187e.png

Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at ni-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-110_zps630e0aee.png

...


http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-111_zps48cc076a.png

*cough*

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-112_zps4ec4a3f2.png

Oh jeez, now we've got the son wanting to avenge his fallen fath-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-113_zpsd4facaa8.png

DAMMIT SIMON, STOP KILLING SENTIENT CREATURES!

What is that now, 7? Yeah, seven. Time to change my sig again.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-114_zps8951a2b8.png

You. Are. A. DOUCHE.

Anyway, we grab the necklace and put it in the jar (somehow it fits, don't ask me how) and we're off to find his spirit.

Time to head back to the inn. If you talk to the barman, he tells you that the inn has recently become haunted - sounds like our guy! Let's head upstairs and see if we can find him.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-115_zps005fd91d.png

Squat diddle. Hmm.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-116_zpsa0cab5e6.png

Wait a second - that voice has a terrible Japanese accent. That must be him! Let's try using the jar.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-117_zps093adcf6.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-118_zpsf1788b37.png

Someone who didn't kill the guy in the first place.

No, I'm never going to let that go.

Anyway, now we need to find his body, and this, I'm ashamed to admit, had me stumped for the stupidest of reasons.

You remember that church? Well, we're going back there. Or, rather, we're going round the back of it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-119_zps403ab299.png

See that door on the left there? Yeah, that's where we need to go.

For the life of me though, I continously overlooked this door. I honestly cannot explain why. Maybe I'm just an idiot, I dunno. But there we go. I suck. Whoop-de-doo.

Inside:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-120_zpsb25de91a.png

It's full of memorial plaques.

If you look closely you can make out a few of them. One says ELVIS, another says Feeble Files, a third says JFK...

These might actually be faintly amusing if the textures weren't repeated a dozen times, meaning that everyone gets about 10 memorials.

http://www.readthesmiths.com/articles/Images/Humor/Fail/fail-dogfood.jpg

Anyway. The plaque we're after is this one:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-121_zpsa3b575be.png

This is Nin Jar's memorial plaque, and it's actually a map to where his remains are.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-122_zpsad0f5d91.png

Like so.

And I don't normally do this, but I have to bring up the delivery of this line by Simon's VA - it's absolutely awful. You know when you get a foreigner to speak an English line and they don't know how the pronounciation goes? He does EXACTLY that. The guy should be ashamed.

Anyway. Now that we know where Nin Ja...

Wait. It's actually Nin Jar, not Jar Nin?

Oh, because he's a Ninja. That's really, really lame. No wonder my mind refused to call him that.

Sorry. Right. So now that we know where Nin Jar's ashes are, we can fly there on our bird thing. So we do.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-123_zps516b3cf7.png

And there are Nin Jar's ashes, just lying out in the open on a stone plinth.

Where, y'know, a slight breeze could send them flying all over the place.

Yeah, that sounds completely respectful.

Whatever. Simon won't pick up the ashes with his bear hands, so we have to vacuum them up. I would show you a picture of Simon doingthis, but there's absolutely no animation for it - you use the vacuum cleaner on the ashes and BOOM, ashes are gone. Considering how long the game took to make I'm frankly amazed I could find them cutting corners, but that was just plain LAZY.

But hey! We've got the soul and the ashes! What do we do with 'em?

Well, we can't go back to the temple to resurrect him.

Why, you may ask?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-124_zps3e226cf9.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-125_zpsd268116e.png

Because Simon is a thieving, hateful waste of existance. THAT'S why.

So we have to go all the way back to Calypso and give HIM the soul and the ashes so HE can resurrect Nin Jar.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-126_zpsc7ed2bcd.png

Wait - so it IS Jar Nin? Jesus Christ, this... this shouldn't be that hard! Make up your freakin' mind, game! Is it Jar Nin or Nin Jar? I DON'T KNOW! This is incompetence of the highest magnitude! HOW DO YOU FUCK UP A CHARACTER'S NAME?

Gah.. Who's left?

- Coneman the Barabrain
- Jar Nin/Nin Jar
- Prince Valiant
- The REAL Melissa Leg

We'll do the Prince next time. Lord have mercy.

[flesk]

Simon won't pick up the ashes with his bear hands, so we have to vacuum them up.

I think you mean block hands.

Great to see you back at these though. :) Funny as always.

[ryannumber1gamer]

I think you mean block hands.

Is it sad that characters hands look like they should be in Minecraft rather than a adventure game?

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



Right. Let's restore the Prince. To do this, we need to have him be kissed by a Princess, and as you may recall, there's one at the festival where we needed to launch the fireworks *shudder*

So let's go get treasonous.

If we re-enter the door that led us to the fireworks *shudder* then we arrive at:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-127_zpsc9064c2e.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-127_zpsc9064c2e.png.html)

Only one of these tents is open, and if we crawl inside, guess who we find.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-128_zpsae3bae6c.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-128_zpsae3bae6c.png.html)

It's that chick with the lisp (and hamster).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-129_zps68031081.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-129_zps68031081.png.html)

Wait - who's Johnny?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-130_zps2efef306.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-130_zps2efef306.png.html)

THAT'S Johnny, as evidenced by this poster on the wall, which is the only place we ever see anything at all related to this nightmare of a character. Just here. In this spot. Nowhere else.

As a side note - this is the one and only time that First Person mode is needed.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN REMOTELY CLEAR THAT YOU NEEDED TO USE IT TO SEE THE POSTER.

http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/terminal01/2011/6/22/13/enhanced-buzz-17456-1308765112-22.jpg

So basically we need to make ourselves look like Johnny Lightnin.

This is a three-part puzzle (because it's ALWAYS three). We need the hair, the glasses and the purple coat.

Well, the purple thing's easy - we just use our fashion magic to turn our robes purple and BOOM. Done.

The glasses are easy as well - they were our prize from the arcade machine at the fair.

As for the hair... well, this one's both obvious and incredibly obtuse (somehow).

See this?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-131_zpsb45993dc.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-131_zpsb45993dc.png.html)

Yeah, it's a laundromat. And it's not open during the day. Hell, even at night it's hard to tell you can go in there now since it's kind of out of the way and very easy to run past without noticing.

So, naturally, we NEED to go in here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-132_zps8f1aa7c8.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-132_zps8f1aa7c8.png.html)

SEXIST. We can add 'Sexist' to the insults we can lob at Simon. Blimey, that list's going to implode in on itself soon.

Anyway. You remember when we went to the Wig Lady and swapped our cotten candy (THAT I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO EAT) for some silly blonde wig?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-133_zps60971485.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-133_zps60971485.png.html)

And you remember that black t-shirt we won from the Strength Test?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-134_zps84ac93ed.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-134_zps84ac93ed.png.html)

End result:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-135_zpsba779fee.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-135_zpsba779fee.png.html)

One black wig. Perfect.

We now have all we need to impersonate Johnny Lightnin. BACK TO THE PRINCESS!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-136_zps0fd54c0c.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-136_zps0fd54c0c.png.html)

Um. Yeah. That's... that's perfect. Let's just hope she's still half asleep.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-137_zps751aacdf.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-137_zps751aacdf.png.html)

Phew.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-138_zpsf2f90a33.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-138_zpsf2f90a33.png.html)

Right. Time to REALLY commit treason.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-139_zpsbfe3781a.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-139_zpsbfe3781a.png.html)

Is this beastiality or just simple treason? God, I really have completely lost track of just how illegal this is.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-140_zps7594baf5.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-140_zps7594baf5.png.html)

She actually does scream, by the way, so that should really say AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! But no. Instead we get SCREAM. The subtitles suck, they really do.

Anyway, she took unwillingly kissing a frog somewhat better than I expected.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-142_zps0659e79c.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-142_zps0659e79c.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-141_zps2d78c4cb.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-141_zps2d78c4cb.png.html)

...sort of.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-143_zpsf85d2749.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-143_zpsf85d2749.png.html)

I genuinely don't know - I really need to get up to date on my legal terms! Treason's the only one I know for certain, but I have no idea what you call it when you force someone to commit beastiality - Abuse? Animal cruelty? Both? God, the ethical quandries this game has made me explore really are mind blowin-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/arrow-to-the-eye_zpsde7e1622.gif (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/arrow-to-the-eye_zpsde7e1622.gif.html)

...


...and the worst part is that Simon didn't do it, so I can't add it to his kill count. God dammit, I had good money on him making double digits.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-145_zps9aa6f6f8.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-145_zps9aa6f6f8.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-146_zpsb09c3ef0.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-146_zpsb09c3ef0.png.html)

Well, at least Prince Valiant is back to normal. Best let him know what's going on.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-147_zps499a2293.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-147_zps499a2293.png.html)

Right, well he's on board. Three down, one to go.

Coneman the Barabrain
Jar Nin/Nin Jar
Prince Valiant
The REAL Melisss Leg

Now tracking down Melissa is an absolute pain in the arse because it requires us to a variety of things that don't seem to make any sense whatsoever, so we'll tackle that next time.

[WarpSpeed]

I think that one just falls under the crime of romance fraud.

(Mostly posting this to see if we can get to the next page - it's starting to get slow to load again.)

[Darth Marsden]

Is romance fraud even a thing? I'll have to look that up.

...

Romance SCAM. That'll do nicely.

[GuruGuru214]

Wait, I think I missed something. Who died there?

[Darth Marsden]

The wizard with an arrow in his eye. Insert Knightmare "ooooo, nasty" joke here.

[GuruGuru214]

The wizard with an arrow in his eye. Insert Knightmare "ooooo, nasty" joke here.

Oh, shit, I totally missed that it was an arrow in his eye. With the shit graphics, I thought he was holding something in his right hand.

[Darth Marsden]

I admit, it does work (somewhat) better in motion. Lemme go back and fix that. GIF NINJA - AWAY!

EDIT: This should be a bit clearer.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/arrow-to-the-eye_zpsde7e1622.gif (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/arrow-to-the-eye_zpsde7e1622.gif.html)

Also, for the record - yes, he DID used to be an adventurer.

[flesk]

It's a bit fast though. I think I saw it loop through a dozen times until I realized what was going on in that gif.

[Darth Marsden]

Quit your whining. I'm not doing it again.

Besides, that's kinda how it was in the game, so at least I'm being faithful in its awkwardness.

[WarpSpeed]

Also, for the record - yes, he DID used to be an adventurer.

Should've hit him in the knee, then.

[Darth Marsden]

Should've hit him in the knee, then.Yes, that... that was what I was alluding to. Thanks for spelling it out for the slow ones at the back.

Bored of editing videos now, let's grab some screenshots from 'em instead.



Right. As I said, finding Melissa is a two part quest. Finding her, and reaching her. Finding her's easy - she's here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-148_zpse1ace07a.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-148_zpse1ace07a.png.html)

That is a 'mysterious island' in the open fields from WAY back in the game. We can't reach it by any means, though if you look closely at it from another angle you can see a path under the water.

THIS IS OUR ONLY HINT AS TO WHAT WE NEED TO DO.

No, seriously. That's all we get. An easily missed visual clue that isn't signposted, commented on or even given a description. That's all we get.

Words fail me on how stupid this is. All it'd take is one character saying how the water used to be lower before the dwarves ruined it, because that would clue us in on what we have to do, but nope. We get NOTHING.

I feel a well-placed animated GIF is required at this point.

http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/312/6/6/i_have_fury____lots_of_fury_by_astroboy122-d32filo.gif

Ah. That's better.

So, as you probably figured out, we have to lower the water level here.

How do we do this?

...the stupidest and most ludicrously insane method possible.

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2whkmcJRm1qe5ain.gif

We need to lower the level by doing two things in particular. We'll start with the one in town, because I've already sort-of laid the foundations for it.

Now. You remember that Cheese truck from earlier?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-016_zps5414eaf7.png

Yeah, that one. Well, we're gonna have to make use of him now.

One last thing to remember - the Lead that Goldilocks was trying to steal from the Church roof.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-027_zps9b53dc40.png

That'd be it.

The Cheese van actually drives right past it, but earlier we couldn't really do with it.

HOWEVER.

Now, for absolutely no reason, this... THING is here:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-149_zpscefc07b6.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-149_zpscefc07b6.png.html)

This is another recurring character from the second game - some stupid hedgehog kid who we're, naturally, going to abuse.

First we stand in just the right spot so that the Cheese van stops right next to the Church, like so:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-150_zps1b0a5e24.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-150_zps1b0a5e24.png.html)

Then we shoot the kid down with the Pea-Shooter.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-151_zpscd982bb8.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-151_zpscd982bb8.png.html)

Oh, wait - I lied. Sorry. We won a peashooter from the fair, remember?

Anyway. You shoot his balloons and make him land in the open-topped van.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-152_zps13202456.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-152_zps13202456.png.html)

Um.

..

Oops.

(The game actually counted this, by the way)

Anyway. All that's left is to let the Cheese van past.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-153_zpsb2043235.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-153_zpsb2043235.png.html)

We now need to follow it all the way back to the warehouse are-DAMMIT, sorry.

As you'd expect, the warehouse owner is not happy that the Cheese has all been eaten.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-154_zps483e1fb2.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-154_zps483e1fb2.png.html)

And so the driver walks off, leaving his van free for us to drive.

Oh, and the kid just walked into the warehouse. End result:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-155_zps47645ec9.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-155_zps47645ec9.png.html)

Heh. Fat kids are funny.

Anyway, now that we have the van, we can drive it back round to the Church and tip the Lead into it.

So I just do that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-156_zps152f47cc.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-156_zps152f47cc.png.html)

1) The van drives really slowly and handles like Simon would if he were 500 Lbs.
GAMEPLAY FAILURE.

2) Simon's hand has turned white while pushing off the lead.
GRAPHICS FAILURE.

3) The lead's clearly landing on the wrong side of the hedge and not inside the van at all.
PHYSICS FAILURE.

So, pretty much just a good ol' fashioned failure all round. And yet:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-157_zpsf3bbdd10.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-157_zpsf3bbdd10.png.html)

*sigh*

Anyway. We get back into the van and drive it back towards the bridge.

Only now it moves even slower.

And I'm not even kidding. We're talking snail's pace here. I could walk on my hands faster than this thing now.

We're only going to be driving the thing around the corner, but it takes almost an entire minute to get there - and I could do it in under 10 on foot. Christ.

Anyway. The in-game reasoning is that we're going to take this lead to the Inn where Goldilocks will sell it and split the proceeds with us. Of course we never see her there, and indeed will not see her again until Simon the Sorcerer 4 (where she mysteriously loses the cockney accent!), but whatever.

The only reason I mention this is because it gives us a reason to drive this way:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-158_zps819ee218.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-158_zps819ee218.png.html)

Across a very rickity old bridge with a 2-Ton weight limit.

Oddly enough, the lead we're carrying is supposed to be around 2 Tons. I wonder...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-159_zps955ab231.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-159_zps955ab231.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-160_zps0af8e14f.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-160_zps0af8e14f.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-161_zps3f9b0483.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-161_zps3f9b0483.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-162_zps5463a67b.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-162_zps5463a67b.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-163_zps5627b354.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-163_zps5627b354.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-164_zps51ee53ec.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-164_zps51ee53ec.png.html)
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-165_zps0166bf46.png (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-165_zps0166bf46.png.html)

OK, so in case you didn't get that - Simon drove a heavy van over the bridge, it collapsed and is basically acting as a dam now, which has lowered the water level in the great open fields.

WHICH THE GAME DOESN'T TELL YOU.

Seriously - the only way you'd know is if you go and check for yourselves, and you've got absolutely no impetus to do so. It's not even remotely hinted that this is what you need to do!

Where's that bloody meme...

http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/abadec76a159f0253bc0e5cd29a403a7/http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t85/cyber619312/CatsaysYouFail.jpg

That'll do it.

Anyway. That's one half of this nonsense down. We'll tackle the OTHER lowering of the water next time.

[Darth Marsden]

Oh. Right. I was supposed to be doing this, wasn't I. Oops.

Tell you what - let me make it up to you guys with a MONSTER update. How's that sound?

Hope your internet's ready for this!



Right, let's finish lowering the water of this lake thing then. Quite why Simon can't just swim across is best described as 'stupid'. And 'hard to program'.

Anyway. Here's the end result of us breaking the bridge:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-166_zps5347ac81.png

We've lowered the water level enough for us to create a (completely pointless) path across the lake, but it's not enough to let us reach Melissa Leg. We have to lower it further.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-167_zps0db39b09.png

See?

Once again, I'd like to emphasize that there has been absolutely no indication that we need to do any of this. NONE.

Anyway. We need to head back to where the tree fell on... Jar Nin? Nin Jar? Whatever.

Let me show you why.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-108_zps8e0bbb7e.gif

Remember this? Well, if you look in the top left, then you'll see a building. I know it's a tad hard to make out, but it's there next to the phone box.

THAT'S where we need to go. Why? Damned if I know, but we gotta go there anyway.

Unfortunately, it's locked. Now, see that sign in front of it?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-168_zps41ef8703.png

That's our only hint as to what we need to do. So let's go back to the dwarves!

If we talk to the one still alive, he says that one of the others (who got eaten) had some keys. Hmm.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-169_zps6f6dc092.png

I beg to differ, Simon. I beg to differ.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-170_zpse9b1493a.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-171_zps4f4e6c7e.png

So how do we get it out?

...

*evil grin*

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-172_zps021fdcb2.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-173_zps4c68f334.png

Considering all the horrible things he's done to other people, I had absolutely zero problems making him do this.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-174_zps51ddbe1a.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-175_zps815ff46e.png

Yes. Simon needs lubrication so he can reach into a dragon's arse.

http://www.readinga-z.com/content/books/62/projectable/small/1/book/page-1.jpg

Ok, so he's not actually sticking his hand up the Dragon's arse, he sticking that magnet he stole from the fair up it. Only we've stuck the magnet to a stick with the chewing gum we got from the kid who's teeth we broke.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-176_zps60e3be3e.png

Like so.

Still, funny to look at, wasn't it.

Anyway, lets rub some butter on this device so we can smoothly insert it into the Dragon's rectum.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-177_zps957fabf3.png

No Simon, that would still be you, because I've just made you make an anal toy. You sick, sick man.

Hang on - wouldn't that make ME a sick man?

...NO. That would make the DEVELOPERS sick men (and women, one sort-of hopes). Yeah, let's blame them. Ahem.

Alright, let's stick this lubricated shaft up the rear end of a Drag- I'm really not helping matters, am I?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-178_zps5f6b0b7c.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-179_zps7f8fe44d.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-180_zps71ba850c.png

Uh, you might want to give that a bit of a wash before you put it in your pocket. Just sayin'.

Anyway, we can now get back to that hut, which is a mere phonebooth teleport (or sprint, whatever takes your fancy) away.

(If you guessed that these phone booths were supposed to be a parody of the TARDIS, then congratulations, you win a non-existent cookie. You also get to slap the developers in the face, because when this game was made DOCTOR WHO WAS OFF THE AIR AND NO-ONE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE JOKE)

Inside the building we find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-181_zpsb416767d.png

...stuff. I guess. Those leaflets Simon's standing in front of are just background decoration and you can't do anything with them, by the way.

On the left is a pulley system which naturally we're going to break. And on the right...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-182_zpsdf0c155b.png

...a trap-door in the ceiling. That you have to go into first-person mode to even see because otherwise you'd never even know it was there.

Well, OK. That's not TECHNICALLY true. Let me just unlock the trap-door with my Kite and I'll show you why.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-183_zps1817813a.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-184_zpsa137bc3b.png

OK. Now if we head back... wait.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-185_zps926379c7.png

GIMME GIMME GIMME.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-186_zps495de9ca.png

Don't care, it's mine now!

Ahem. Right. Back outside.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-187_zpsd7b35d0f.png

As you can see, there's a ladder we can climb, which leads to the roof of the building.

Obviously.

And on this roof is...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-188_zps7c40f47e.png

So yeah, it's not completely unexplained, but even so, the trap-door's really hard to see from indoors and I'm still not particularly pleased with it.

But anyway. We may have unlocked the trap-door, but apparently it's stuck. So let's open it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-189_zpsf14a33b0.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-190_zpscf38406c.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-191_zps5a1e859b.png

Y'know what? I think we need a GIF of that.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-190-Animated_zpse306c04c.gif

Ah, that was nice.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-192_zpsbe0af08e.png

Yes, but it also brings me a great amount of pleasure, so SHUT UP.

Anyway. Here's the room now that we've opened the trap-door.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-193_zps03671aa2.png

No prizes for guessing what we do now.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-194_zpsa8d03b46.png

Well, duh.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-195_zpsdf91f38e.png

Aw man, and I really wanted to use that gasoline for something cool. Not burning a rope. WHICH IS A FLAMMABLE OBJECT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-196_zpsdb70c363.png

Oh my god, that's just terrible. And not just because it looks awful. Look how he's wasting it! Gah, you only needed a little bit! Augh, you useless piece of crap!

...whatever. Let's just burn this rope and get this stupid puzzle over with.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-197_zps18dc16cb.png

Yes, yes. Fire is awesome. We know.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-198_zps5f2d9777.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-199_zps13b4af9f.png

Did that confuse you? Good, because I have no idea what it was either. Seriously, this game explains NOTHING about this puzzle.

Anyway, let me look it up and find out what that was. Bear with me.

http://icecreamforzombies.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/waiting.gif

OK. Apparently that was a dam gate, and we've just released it, allowing water to siphon away from the main area into some unseen reservoir.

I THINK.

Either way, the water level's dropped, so we can now get to that mysterious island. Let's go, shall we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-200_zps67a38d75.png

Huzzah. Will Simon climb up that rope, or will we need to find some other elaborate way up?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-201_zps902f2a1c.png

Well, will wonders never cease.

What's up here then?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-202_zps005d69a4.png

Ruins! Lovely. And is that... On the left there?

Why, I think that's actually Melissa Leg! The real one! We've found her at last!

Let's go say hello.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-203_zps09d2549a.png

Nice shot of her arse there. keep it classy, Simon3D.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-204_zpsb871a556.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-205_zps5768fa8c.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-206_zps4c5b2c3a.png

...

http://data.whicdn.com/images/27886956/celcbrety-fun-middle-finger-text-true-Favim.com-415448_large.jpg

*sigh*

Well, let's go see the damage.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-207_zps6c37ab7a.png

...she's not dead? Well, that's the first bit of good luck we've had all sodding game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-208_zpsc879865d.png

Oh shut up. Just... just shut up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-209_zps60e49741.png

She's talking about her arm, so stop that sniggering.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-210_zps19e9cb8d.png

I sympathise entirely.

Anyway, she throws a rope up and asks Simon to tie it off on something.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-211_zps62fb5c43.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-212_zpse214966f.png

I like her. Can we make the game about her instead? She seems way more interesting than our douchebag of a protagonist.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-213_zps031fca35.png

This may look suggestive, but trust me - it's nothing compared to seeing it in action, because not only is Simon pulling the rope like this, but Melissa's making grunting noises at the same time. It's... well, just watch (http://youtu.be/RNL6MBxQHbk).

Anyway, long story short, she climbs up the rope with only one functional arm.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-214_zps6cad8022.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-215_zpsa17c2b47.png

Uh... blatant fan-service?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-216_zps68fb91d8.png

Oh right, that too. I guess.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-217_zpsc2efd922.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-218_zps641d1a3b.png

You'll have to imagine the loud CRACK here, since it doesn't come across in picture form.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-219_zpsa45daf78.png

That does though. Fucking pansy.

(Also, what the hell kind of pattern is that on the soles of his shoes? And why am I focusing on that?)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-220_zps55f8e1ef.png

Yeah yeah, you big girl's blouse. Get back to Calypso and the others. After you've found your purse and put your lipstick on and inserted your tampon and bought some shoes and asked if your outfit makes your arse look fat and put a thousand pillows on the bed and failed at parallel parking and cleaned the entire house and purged and acted like a drama queen and bought more shoes and spent hours chatting to your friends and done your nails and acted jealous for no reason and failed to make your mind up about anything and put a thousand cushions on the sofa and talked about your sex life with your friends and acted all clingy and bought even more shoes.

BECAUSE YOU'RE A GIRL.

...ahem. Let's just jump back to the basement, shall we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-221_zpsae1d17e0.png

Right. So now that everyone's here, let's make a plan to stop Sordid.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-222_zps442aaffa.png

Oh. They're already doing that. I guess they just felt that Simon was completely extraneous.

Have I mentioned how much I like these guys?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-223_zps03af268d.png

"Who's there? Who dares to disturb us?" (since it's a bit hard to make out)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-224_zps824351de.png

...

O...kay.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-225_zps5c5702db.png

Oh, hi Runt. That joke was old even when you did it, and you've not done a great job of animating it, so your attempt at humour has completely failed. But hi!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-226_zps34d5db89.png

Now THAT is funny. Just not intentionally.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-227_zpsccbd4009.png

I never want to be that close to Coneman's thighs ever again.

OK Runt, you've had your not-at-all-funny entrance. What else you got?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-228_zps27b1e84e.png

I have absolutely no idea what he just did to Coneman. And I have absolutely no interest in finding out.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-229_zps19e6255b.png

What? Fat lot of good you lot are then!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-230_zpsfaf2c88e.png

I repeat my previous statement about Coneman.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-231_zps08d71694.png

Bwuh? Why wouldn't you bring enough in the first place? You're dealing with the greatest heroes in the world! YOUR PLAN IS FULL OF HOLES!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-232_zps1821e670.png

This is distinctly underwhelming.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-233_zpsb9db363f.png

Oh for fuck's sake, this is the least active group of heroes I've ever seen! Useless, the lot of you!

And before you ask, no, there's no point in talking to any of them - except one. And we'll get to him last.

If we talk to the Ninja guy, we get a bad joke about him being poorly translated:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-234_zpsf8e10bf3.png

If we talk to Prince Charming, we get an equally unfunny conversation about him being gay and it being a problem when your standard reward for heroic deeds is a Princess' hand in marriage:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-235_zpsc205c082.png

And if we talk to Melissa Leg, we get a STAGGERINGLY unfunny conversation about how you need to kill bad guys in unconventional ways for them to really stay dead:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-236_zps5ccc499a.png

Seriously, there's no point in talking to ANY of these people.

BUT.

If we talk to Coneman...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-237_zpsa06672b5.png

"One more word! Just one more and I'll tear you into little pieces and feed you to my horse!"

...

http://www.danielkanolik.co.uk/Images/harrylloyd.jpg

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-238_zpsb7bb7b71.png

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the single greatest moment in the entirety of the game.

So great, in fact, that we need another GIF for it. Apologies for the large size of it, but i promise you - it's worth it.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-239-Animated_zpsda2180a1.gif (http://s294.photobucket.com/user/darthmarsden/media/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-239-Animated_zpsda2180a1.gif.html)

Oh yes. I could watch that all day.

And I think that's a good note to end on. Don't you?

[OzzieMonkey]

You know, just looking at this game, it makes me wonder why people thought ESCAPE FROM MONKEY ISLAND had bad graphics. In comparison, Escape had beautiful backgrounds and much better character models. From now on, every time I consider criticizing that games graphics, I will come here to remind myself that it could be worse...much, much worse.

PS. I should probably play the first 2 Simon the Sorcerer games at some point.

[der_ketzer]

You forgot what popped up after you got the item from the dragon:
http://img827.imageshack.us/img827/4650/e7u.gif

[St_Eddie]

Great stuff as always, Marsden. My eyes too were drawn towards the frankly bizarre shoe texture on Simon! The sound of Melissa climbing the rope is really dodgy. There's no way that wasn't done on purpose.

By the way, one of the image links is broken (due to a missing ']' after '"And if we talk to Melissa Leg, we get a STAGGERINGLY unfunny conversation about how you need to kill bad guys in unconventional ways for them to really stay dead"

[Alcoremortis]

EMI has pretty nice graphics for the time. Didn't age well compared to some others, but I remember being blown away when I saw them back in the day.

Then again, my basis for comparison were the first two Harry Potter games.

http://img43.imageshack.us/img43/5521/5gg8.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/43/5gg8.jpg/)

Soo.....

Yeah.

[St_Eddie]

http://img43.imageshack.us/img43/5521/5gg8.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/43/5gg8.jpg/)

Looking at the low-res texture on those books reminds me of 'Aliens: Colonial Marines'.

[der_ketzer]

To be honest: the first HP games look way better than EMI.
Almost everything does.

[Alcoremortis]

I dunno. EMI has more style.

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a236/Imperator26/EFMI04.jpg

http://www.juegomania.org/Escape+From+Monkey+Island+%5BLucasArts+Archive+Ser ies%5D/foto/pc/2/2935/2935_t.jpg/Foto+Escape+From+Monkey+Island+%5BLucasArts+Archiv e+Series%5D.jpg

http://www.nowgamer.com/siteimage/scale/800/600/217079.png

[der_ketzer]

I dunno. EMI has more style.

And prerendered backgrounds. Compare only the stuff that is rendered in real time and it falls flat on it's face.
Also screenshots will not show you the horror of Guybrush in motion.
HP1 was on Unreal Tournament Engine. Get it on a PC with high resolution and Anti Aliasing and it beats EMI to death. No sense in comparing the lo fi crap version of the Playstation though.

[Alcoremortis]

I only played the Harry Potter games on PC. But the comparison I was making was that EMI looks prettier in the end. This isn't pre-rendered vs. real time, it's just what the total end product looks like. And the pre-rendered backgrounds from EMI make the total game much prettier than the Harry Potter games in my opinion.

[Darth Marsden]

By the way, one of the image links is broken (due to a missing ']' after '[IMG').Fixed. Thanks for pointing it out, I was in kind of a rush when I posted this.

I am frankly staggered no-one objected to my girly rant. Oh well, good to know you're all on my side :p

[Alcoremortis]

I objected, but very quietly like a girl.

Because girls are dumb and being compared to being a girl is worse than being compared to a really lame Hitler.

[ryannumber1gamer]

On the topic of Escape from Monkey Island. Just remember there are actually console games that look horrible. Look at HP & the Chamber of Secrets. The character models looked like utter shit like Snape. Again lets remember. By this stage we had games like Jak & Daxter The Precursor Legacy, Ratchet & Clank, Sly Raccoon/Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus, Luigi's Mansion, Mario Sunshine, Smash Bros Melee.

So i would say first that HP & the Chamber of Secrets' graphics is as bad as this piece of shit game's graphics.

Btw i think Escape from Monkey Island's graphics is better than this game's and HP and the Chamber of Secrets graphics.

[St_Eddie]

I dunno. EMI has more style.

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a236/Imperator26/EFMI04.jpg

http://www.juegomania.org/Escape+From+Monkey+Island+%5BLucasArts+Archive+Ser ies%5D/foto/pc/2/2935/2935_t.jpg/Foto+Escape+From+Monkey+Island+%5BLucasArts+Archiv e+Series%5D.jpg

http://www.nowgamer.com/siteimage/scale/800/600/217079.png

That's kind of cheating though, Alcoremortis. You've selected some of the very best looking screens from EfMI. I've always thought that the The Voodoo Lady's place, Meathook's house (plus the dungeon with the iron maiden, the prosthetic shop and the underwater cavern) are easily the nicest looking backgrounds in the entire game. The majority are relatively ugly in comparison...

http://imageshack.us/a/img248/5439/ymai.jpg
http://imageshack.us/a/img441/1371/w8qp.jpg
http://imageshack.us/a/img826/7964/clmk.jpg

...There's a very strange discrepancy between the quality of the various backgrounds in EfMI. A few are lovely, many are very ugly and the majority are mediocre at best.

Why Lucasarts thought that shitty pre-rendered graphics was a step up from Curse's (still) gorgeous hand drawn backdrops is beyond me... other than "3D is teh best everz!" of course (but then it's not even true 3D)!

[Alcoremortis]

Of course I cheated! I wanted to win, didn't I?

Still I was comparing it to stuff like this:

http://media.moddb.com/images/games/1/17/16759/180_5.jpg

To explain why I thought the game was pretty gorgeous when I played it. Because it was far prettier than any other 3D game I'd played to date.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.



OK, where were we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-239-Animated_zpsda2180a1.gif

Ah yes. Glorious.

Now if you recall, whenever Simon's died in one of the dozen or so atrocious minigames, he respawned at a nearby Life Pad so he could try again.

Basically it was an in-game explanation for how we could retry all the minigames. Not that we actually needed one, of course, but then again the developers priorities are all over the map, so I guess them focusing on that shouldn't be much of a surprise.

Anyway. There's actually a Life Pad just outside of the inn, and up until now it hasn't had any use. But since we've just had Simon get brutally torn limb from limb in a manner which was no doubt extremely painful...

...hang on, I need to watch that GIF a couple more times. Bear with me.

...

...ah, that was good. OK. So. Simon died.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-240_zpscb7223f1.png

And now he's resurrected.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-241_zps4b668305.png

We can but hope it's not a one-off.

Now we could go back down to the basement, but we can't get through the magical barrier that Runt put up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-242_zpsc88fc223.png

Hell, we can't even acknowledge the damn thing's existance (nice job, developers).

What we CAN do is go back into the garden.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-243_zpscb41ca22.png

OK. I'm gonna need to explain what's going on here, becuase this puzzled me when I first came to it.

If you recall when we met Swampy, we ended up getting blown up and flying all the way back here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C4-001_zps65255327.png

Now, if you have an extremely good memory (or go back and check, you cheater), you may recall me saying this:
Actually, make note of the fact that he crashed through a skylight in the roof of this room. The game doesn't really highlight this, but it'll come into play later.
Man, it's almost like I'm psychic or something.

Anyway. What we're facing right here:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-243_zpscb41ca22.png

...THAT'S the skylight, and that's how we're going to get back into the basement.

Does the game make any of this clear?

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130207113156/glee/images/e/e3/Glee-oh-hell-no.gif

In fact, it was so long ago that you could well have forgotten that you even crashed through here in the first place. I'm willing to bet most of you reading this did, right?

Well, yeah. This game doesn't even remotely tell you what you should be doing and makes it damn near impossible to actualy do even if you know.

*sigh*

Anyway. Since we can't even interact with the giant hole that's critical to continuing the game, we might as well chat to the kid on the tire swings behind us.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-244_zps2d4eec0c.png

Wait. He looks kinda familiar.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C2-157_zpse3d5b343.png

...I guess he got bored of basketball. Or the developers just couldn't be bothered to make a new model for...

WAIT A SECOND. I know that kid on the left as well!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-070_zps54d148d8.png

...I've played this game way too much.

OK, so let's talk to the kid we haven't horribly abused (yet).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-245_zps6474afb5.png

...

...do I even have to mention just how terrible that looks? Really? Ugh.

Anyway. He challenges us to a swinging contest. Whoever can swing highest wins.

Quite why we need to do this is utterly beyond me, but it's an adventure game - if you can do it, it's bound to be essential in some utterly baffling fashion.

But if we win...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-246_zps9516d360.png

...that's not even a real number.

BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE HIM SODDING WELL HONOUR IT ANYWAY.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-247_zps9c913b94.png

Oh, hello. Are you going to give me some information about how to swing on a... swing?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-248_zps4338bac6.png

Thank you.

Seriously, her instructions can be completely ignored. Basically you just need to press the direction you want to swing - hold up to move forwards, hold down to swing backwards. Nothing too difficult as I'm sure you can imagine.

So let's get our swing on, bitches.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-249_zps008fb0d5.png

It takes me a couple of seconds to get going, but it's not long before I've gotten into the swing of it (don't worry, I've already slapped myself for saying that).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-250_zps3b8514f7.png

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SHOWING THAT SHOT, IT LOOKS AWFUL.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-251_zps5ace7707.png

Oh, that doesn't sound good.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-252_zpsa0534048.png

...great.

And sadly, because he did it to himself, we can't blame Simon for that. Bah!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-253_zps0eb6594f.png

Oh sure, focus on that and not the fact that the horrible squishing sound he made implies that he's - at the very least - horribly mutilated. That's... that's our Simon.

But yeah, kid owes me a fuckload of money. Someone check his will.

Anyway, we can now take the tire swing he was using, since it's broken away from the frame.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-254_zps0b716e60.png

See?

Now, guess how we use it.

Go on, GUESS.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-255_zps2c8adf83.png

You will NOT believe the amount of physics we're about to defy here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-256_zps71955f2a.png

Seriously, it's almost insane how stupid this is.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-257_zps84394fc6.png

Are you ready for this?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-258_zps14a3ca83.png

See, now if you thought he was just going to use that a rope to climb down, you'd have been smart.

You'd also have been very, very wrong.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-259_zps0c7f1f7f.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-260_zps281768c6.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-261_zps7eb7e461.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-262_zps7d20b6ae.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-263_zps193efba4.png

These are not out of order. Simon is literally using the tire swing... that he tied to a bench which isn't itself attached to anything... AS A BUNGEE CORD.

http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/23900000/Mythbusters-mythbusters-23930124-460-345.jpg

"Yeah, No."

Also, loving the graphical glitch on Calypso.

OK, time for some exposition. In the almost-literal FIVE MINUTES I've been gone, Runt has managed to take everyone except Calypso back to Sordid's fortress.

Oh, and for added bonuses, not only is Simon's dialogue every bit as unfunny and punch-worthy as normal, but now he pauses every couple of words because he's bouncing up and down, making the sentences about 3 times longer as a result.

FUCK THIS GAME.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-264_zpsa77215d6.png

Anyway, we can now access Sordid's fortress via the overworld map. Woo.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-265_zps0e5ccef6.png

What awaits us here?

A stealth section.

A fucking stealth section.

*sigh*

I'm gonna skim through this because it's a goddamn mother fucking stealth section and I'll be buggered if I spend any longer on it than I really need to.

Three things to point out here.

1) STICK TO THE SHADOWS. Obviously. Duh.

2) Your robes must be black to help you blend into the shadows (despite the fact the black robe also has bright white stars all over it).

3) At one point you'll pass by a small nook on the left you have to crouch to enter. You need to go in there and wait for a giant troll to walk past you.

In all honesty it's far from the worst stealth section I've ever played through, and the game is quite lenient - you can run as much as you want so long as you stay in the shadows. But even so, it's just the bloody principle of the thing, y'know?

Anyway. Once we're past that bit of time-wasting nonsense, we get to Sordid's fortress proper.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-266_zpsc509ca5d.png

...or not. Bollocks. The bridge there doesn't even remotely reach it, and there's no other way across.

Balls.

Fortunately our trip here isn't a complete waste - we get to root through Sordid's mail.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-267_zpsea4144a9.png

See? (I don't quite know why he's showing us that letter, the texture quality's so shit I can barely make anything out).

If we look at the letter in our inventory, then we find out it's addressed to the greengrocers in Poliganis, demanding the "usual".

Odd how it never actually made it to the greengrocers, but since it's the only thing we've got, we might as well go deliver it.

And in typical postal service fashion, it's going to take us... ooooh, I dunno. 4 days?

(or until I post the next update, whichever comes first)

[Spadge]

Yay! More Simon!!! Can't wait for the epic conclusion!

...Oh, wait. This game is so bad it probably doesn't even have an epic conclusion.

Also, that kid's face is going to haunt me for at least a week. It's pure nightmare fuel.

[Darth Marsden]

You're quite right - there's nothing epic about this game except how much it fails.

[Darth Marsden]

Some of the images aren't displaying properly - Photobucket doesn't appear to be loading them right. It may just be that they're taking a while to process or something, but who knows.

I've got to get to work shortly, so if the pictures haven't loaded properly when I get back, I'll reupload them this evening. Just a heads up.



Time for us to actually deliver that letter.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-268_zps74c6e24e.png

Here's the greengrocers, by the way. It's on the path that leads between the Inn and the 'magic square' with the Wizard School and stuff.

And yes, we couldn't do anything with it before this point, although to be fair we COULD interact with it. We just got a "It's locked... they must be closed", but still. Baby steps.

Anyway. Let's pop the letter into the mailbox.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-269_zpsfeb6e3f4.png

Well that was easy.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-270_zps8ec42a1d.png

Why is Simon blatantly listening in? He's standing in the middle of the street. Everyone can see him do it!

...oh wait. BECAUSE HE'S SIMON. Forgot that for a second.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-271_zps95ab0bf0.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-272_zps32838a25.png

Wait - what?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-273_zps80c4253a.png

Oh, the UPPER window. I thought they meant... well, you can probably guess what I thought they meant.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-274_zps36de3f74.png

I can't believe it either, but that's mostly because it's a really, really stupid thing to do. Although really, what else was I expecting him to do, grow his own?

But hey ho, now we have a box marked with Sordid's address-WAIT A MINUTE.

http://img.gamefaqs.net/screens/7/6/b/gfs_100263_2_66_mid.jpg

This game doesn't even remotely deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Monkey Island, but they made me do it anyway. Those lazy motherfuckers!

OK, OK, fine. We can't just climb into this crate - we have to empty it first. So what's in there?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-275_zpsf89e8275.png

Ooo, what could it possibly be? Brussel Sprouts? Radishes? Not... NOT LIMA BEANS?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-276_zps251118c6.png

Oh.

...well, yeah, OK. I'll give it a pass.

We do still need to get rid of them though, and clearly Simon's not going to touch them. Oh no.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-277_zpsbc4b8416.png

Yep, we're not done abusing kids. Not yet.

If you recall, we left the hedgehog kid in the cheese factory, where he ate an entire warehouse full of cheese in about 5 seconds while everyone's backs were turned.

No, I'm not making that up. The camera was off him for almost exactly 5 seconds.

*sigh*

Well, let's go get the little git.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-278_zpsfe471220.png

And there he is (just to the left of Simon's head. It's the best shot I had of him, sorry).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-279_zps57409b0e.png

So Simon's going around picking up kids now?

*slaps self*

But oh, you thought it'd be that simple?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-280_zpsead6ecee.png

Nope! They had to make this puzzle just that little bit more irritating. BECUASE OF COURSE THEY DID.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-281_zpse054448e.png

...if you can see where this is going, then feel free to join me in absolutely despising everyone involved in the creation of this game.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-282_zpsd9df7493.png

Every. Single. One.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-283_zpsd2f32e7e.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-284_zps814835aa.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-285_zps2a680edf.png

Ugh.

I feel dirty.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-286_zps5920fa20.png

Oh Mother of Zod, I think I might throw up now.

I think this is the single most disgusting thing I've ever had to do in a video game.

Seriously. I can't believe anyone thought this was an OK thing to do. It's... it's horrifying.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-287_zps706eeaaf.png

Just... just stop talking.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-288_zps3a9eb7a0.png

And so, having been whacked in the stomach, thrown up a bunch of partially digested cheese all over some caulliflowers and then eaten both (oh man, it sounds even worse when you describe it word for word), the hedgehog kid has wandered off, never to be seen again, leaving behind an empty box and about three weeks worth of nightmare fuel.

Let's... let's just get in the damn box and be done with this whole sodding chapter.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-289_zpsd823fd87.png

STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE YOU SON OF A BITCH!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-290_zpsa4ee4b8d.png

Oh, so you've stolen from Monkey Island 2 twice now, have you? Fuck you AdventureSoft, you got everything you sodding deserved.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm102/darthmarsden/Lets%20Play%20Simon%203D/LP-C5-291_zps411fecf4.png

...

I...

...I think something just broke inside me.

[Syd]

....At least they had the decency to admit where they stole that puzzle from?

I actually don't even recall where that sort of puzzle was used in the first Simon as I was probably more distracted by how blatantly it copied the three trials thing from Monkey Island 1, but that whole game is a blur to me. A blur of difficult-to-spot items and paths.

[Darth Marsden]

Indeed. I can barely remember any of the first two games, except that the second one was way, way worse.

[flesk]

There's this dungeon in the first game you have to get into. Outside it on the ground there's a shopping list or something you can bring back to the store in the town you start off in and when you get back there later there's a crate outside the store. When you hop into the crate you end up inside a cell filled with bones inside the dungeon.

I didn't have many games back when I played the first Simon, so I remember parts of it very well. I don't remember much of the second game though, other than that it's not very funny. Oh, and unfortunately I remember the town fool vividly.