Your Favourite Jokes
 

A woman goes to her local market and walks over to a merchant who is selling Magic Penises! The woman asks the vendor 'what on Earth is a "Magic Penis"?' The vendor replies by saying 'It's simple, you start out by saying 'Magic Penis' followed by a request and it will carry out said request".

The woman is dubious of the merchant's grand claims but decides to buy one anyway. She arrives back home and says 'Magic Penis, do the washing up" and to her absolute amazement, the wonderful member carries out the task. Next she requests 'Magic Penis, do my tax returns' and once again the little fellow obliges. Naturally she then demands 'Magic Penis, make wonderful love to me' and so it does.

Later that day, the woman's hired gardener sees her with the marvelous contraption and enquires 'what in the heck is that thing?!', to which the woman responds 'why, it's a Magic Penis' and the gardener replies 'Magic Penis my ass'.

Anything by the Marx Brothers or from M*A*S*H or Mel Brooks.

A: Oh! They’ve got a class on how to write jokes.
B: Oh, don’t take that. I dropped it after the lesson on setups. The Professor is so old…

OOOhhhhhh TomPravetz, I'm gonna get you when you least expect it. Just you wait. You've started a war now buddy. :p

You know nothing of war, my friend.

JOKE WAR!

The pope, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. Then the bartender said "Hey, is this some kind of joke?".

Everything from here.

That used to be my main hangout, before I moved here.

Ni!

My favourite joke?

...

YOU.

You must return here with.... a shrubbery!

Try not to let the unrealism dissuade you from reading it. :)

Saint Peter sat at the gate to heaven when 3 men walked up to him, to be let through the gate they had to tell him why they had died.

The first man walked up to him and started his story:
I was on my way to work, when I realized that I have forgotten something at home. When I saw my wife naked in bed, I thought she had not gotten out of bed yet, when I noticed the other man's clothes she was trying to hide. I got angry and hurt and started to look everywhere in the apartment for the man, and I found him hanging naked on the railing on the balcony.
I went inside and got a hammer and started hammering him over the fingers till he let go and fell down, he landed on some bushes and survived, still angry I went to the kitchen and picked up the fridge and threw it out the balcony, the strain was too much for me and I died from a heart attack.

Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through. (Don’t ask me why the bad man got let it in, but it is how the joke goes, so please carry on reading).

The second man walked up to Peter and told him his story:
I woke up in my bed in my apartment and it was a lovely morning, so I went out of bed but didn’t get my clothes on and walked around naked. Not many people had gotten up yet and I walked out to the balcony, I tripped over something and I fell over the side, but caught on the railing on the balcony underneath mine, and I survived. When all of a sudden a very angry man comes out and finds me, before I can ask for help he runs of and comes back with a hammer and starts hammering me over the fingers. It hurts and I have to let go, but I land some bushes and I survive, but before I can move the angry man throws a fridge at me and I die.

Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through.

The last man comes up, and Peter asks him to tell his story.

Well I was hiding in a fridge…

Ha. Good one. :D

Realistic jokes? What a joke!

I'm in a position of smug authority now, as I can safely say 'That's in the thread I linked to' to pretty much every single joke that's going to be posted here from now on.

*Exudes Smugness*

Oh, and a man walks into a bar. Ow!

I've got a lot of jokes, but my favorite ones are the "Old something-or-others never die" jokes. So here goes:

Old sailors never die...they just get a little dinghy.

Old musicians never die...they just go from bar to bar.

Old songwriters never die...they just start decomposing.

Old teachers never die...they just lose their class.

Old chemists never die...they just fail to react.

Old necromancers never die.

That's all until I strike again!

Why did the little idiot threw butter out the window?
To see butterfly!

Why did the little idiot threw a clock out the window?
To see time fly!

What did the little idiot say to the microphone?
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar and and asks for 7 shots. The bartender gives them to the man and says. "That sure is a lot of drinks, is it for a special occasion"?
"My first blow-job", the man replies.
The bartender smiles and says. "In that case let me give you another one free on the house.
"No thanks", the man says. "If the first 7 wont remove the bad taste, I am sure the 8'th wont do it either".