http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psbd9bfe1e.png
The game opens up with a blatant rip-off from Star Wars. Because that was topical. (Actually, it was - the game came out around the same time The Phantom Menace was released on DVD. So this comment is probably a bit redundant and I should therefore probably stop talking.)

This text basically sums up the events of the first two games. I'll explain most of it as we go along, so I won't bother telling you exactly what it says here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps4f643a13.png
This is Runt. No, seriously. That's his name.

RUNT.

He's the 'apprentice' for the main villain of the series...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psa1e89a48.png
AHH! MY PARENTS LIED! THERE ARE MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET!!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps8c42287e.png
Oh no, it's just the titular SIMON THE SORCERER.

Oddly enough, you actually play as the bad guy in this series. It's a refreshing change from the norm, and makes the franchise a lot more interesting as a resul-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psbea6581f.png
Oh, right. This isn't actually Simon. It's the warlock Sordid, who's spirit possessed Simon's body at the end of the previous game. Sorry. As you'll see later on, Simon's so vicious to people it's hard to tell the difference between him and the villain sometimes!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...pscd099ccc.png
Sordid's been taking Simon's body on a funky little joy-ride, and while he's been away, Runt (god I feel so stupid every time I say that) has built him a nice new body to inhabit.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psab601964.png
Which he promptly does.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps027da51c.png
Because let's be honest, if you had the chance to take on the form of a giant ED-209-like monster machine, you would to.

(How he'll ever get laid again is a question for the ages, but I guess we're not supposed to think about that.)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps0b5250c0.png
Runt (ugh) tells Sordid (actually, that sounds dirty as well. I think I'll need a shower after I'm done with this) about his plan for finding 'The Ancient One'.

He'll have to be more specific than that though, since there's around a thousand 'Ancient Ones', most of which aren't going to be particularly inclined to help a pair of Sordid Runts.

I mean, do they mean the guy who taught Doctor Strange?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...pscd35cb22.jpg

The guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psc9388fca.jpg

This... THING from Star Wars?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps9e309d8c.png

Be a little more specific people, that's all I'm asking!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psb7ca0bb7.png
Then they both have a good laugh over a dirty joke. I think. I kinda zoned out there trying to decide which Ancient One they were talking about.

Uh, where were we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psd12b2ce0.png
Oh. Right. We're... somewhere else now. In the rain, apparently.
(You can't tell because it's just pictures, but there's no sound effects whatsoever here. It's really very weird seeing the rain but not actually hearing it. Odd disconnect.)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps4ee79226.png
And we get a glorious ass shot (or at least it would be a glorious ass shot if the graphics weren't so awful) of some chick who must be absolutely freezing as she carries Simon's body to the top of a... wait.

HOW DID SHE GET SIMON'S BODY OUT OF SORDID'S LAIR?

No, seriously - How. Did. She. Do. That? You can't just brush something like that under the rug, game! It's a pretty big thing to skip over! Explain, dammit! EXPLAIN!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps5ca47a52.gif

...sorry.

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So the chick just leaves Simon's body at the top of the stairs as she does a dramatic pose in front of three old guys, which diminishes the effect somewhat, but I guess she takes what she can get.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psdd896946.png
Fortunately the old guys can make Simon's body float over to them, which just begs the question of why the hell they didn't do that in the first place instead of making Lara McNotCroft drag him all the way to the top of the pyramid.

Jerks.

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And so they lower Simon's body into the pit of sharp pointy things coated with horribly nasty poison, and he was never heard from again.

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Everyone toasts to a job well done and the game is over.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psfa7d208e.jpg

...I wish.

Originally Posted by flesk (Post 753398) If it's graphics that makes the characters look like cardboard boxes it could be Simon the Sorcerer 3.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps61dc36bc.png
That's not alcohol, sadly, that's Simon's soul. Which just raises another question of exactly how the good guys got hold of it, but whatever, let's just get this over with.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps5b422e39.png
They remove the seal and...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps340d0098.png
...start chanting. It's really rather dull. Next time I need to get off to sleep, I know what I'LL be listening to.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps94252095.png
Not quite sure why they've got the guard there. Maybe he was just tired of being left out. I dunno.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps9e2620ab.png
Whatever the case, Simon's clearly had enough of it, as he legs it down the hole to try and get away from the constant droning noise that's suddenly started up. Because there's none of THAT in an ancient tomb, oh no.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psf12933ea.png
The old guys suddenly start waving their arms around, as if their pacemakers have just kicked in or something. Or maybe it's "the wave".

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps999a7afb.jpg

...yeah, doesn't quite work when there's only three of you, guys (I'm going to assume Amazonia Le HotPants isn't taking part).

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps8443114a.png
God clearly agrees, and sends bolts of... snowballs? Eh, whatever. They miss the old guys completely and smack Simon straight in the face. Trust me, he deserves far, far more than this.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psad350ab8.png
One of the old guys proclaims that "seven days and nights must pass" before Simon awakens. I'd complain, but since this cutscene's been dragging on for so long it already FEELS like a week's passed, I'll take that and run with it.

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The Pigtailed Princess here immediately makes herself out to be the most likeable character seen so far by claiming that they've wasted enough time on Simon already, that she's had enough the foul weather and that if the stories are true then Simon can make his own damn way out. I hereby proclaim this chick the best character in the entire game.

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This guy then says "oh dear". Clearly he knows something we don't.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps5d915af7.jpg

Time for a brilliant showcase of just how terrible the graphics are.

BEHOLD!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps1b47437c.png
OH GOD MY EYES!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...pse6cffc79.png
...and there's Simon. Still dead. Yay!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psce69b2d0.png
...aww.

And yes, those really are the textures they're going with. Hard to believe this came out the same year as Zelda: Wind Waker, isn't it?
(Wind Waker came out in 2002 in Japan, so it bloody well counts, dammit!)

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...pse05ec91c.png
Oh, and then he had to go open his mouth and start talking.

Yes, one of the many, many, MANY benefits of only doing a Picture Playthrough of this is that you're spared the teeth-grinding, fingers-down-chalkboard, nails-in-eardrums pain of the primary voice actor. He's clearly a man in his late thirties desperately trying to sound like a teenage boy... and failing miserably.

He's also trying to sound likeable, which is a frankly insulting thing for him to do given the actions Simon takes throughout the game. But we'll get to those. Oh yes we will.

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Oh, why are they focusing on that shot? It was bad enough the first time we saw it! Whatever. We've now established that Simon's trapped in this room.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps2126d8a8.jpg
Gee, I wonder how we solve this 'puzzle'.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psb35e10bc.png
"Now what" indeed, Simon. The Quit button's looking awfully tempting right about now, but that'd just be the easy way out.

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And so begins the first playable section. Christ, that only took 10 minutes. Reminds me of Daikatana, and the less I'm reminded of THAT bloated mess, the better.

The first problem is with the controls. They're all over the place. We'll start with the movement controls, which are probably the least crippled. It's the arrow keys. Left and Right to turn...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps483ea3db.png
...and Up and Down to move forwards and backwards. It's like driving a tank.

Sort of.

Let's head over to that blatantly obvious switch we saw earlier.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps3a2c4424.png
...after turning subtitles on, obviously. I'll be lowering the voices so I can avoid the terrible voicework from Simon, and you should be eternally grateful you don't have to listen to him at all.

Right. Now, to the switch!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psa9805ab2.png
...now, if I could just remember which button I press to use stu-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps6956e0c1.png
...what.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps7f5c0d58.png
...WHAT.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps6875637d.png
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps65888578.png
A fairy godmother. A Fairy. Fucking. Godmother.

...actually, you know what she reminds me of?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psc1897d13.jpg

Yes, I've played Magne Cum Laude.

No, I am not proud of this fact.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psd46fd46f.png
Simon is clearly on the same wavelength as every single person on the planet here. I suspect my take on the line would involve a lot more swearing though.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps1d2a97a8.png
...oh. She's a bloody walking tutorial.

FLYING. FLYING tutorial. Whatever.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps5878f251.png
And she's god-damn useless as well. "Press ACTION"? Yeah? Well, what key's that then?

...tell you what. I'll let YOU guess what the ACTION key is. Go on, have a guess. I'll wait.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps3687bdd2.jpg

...done?

...really?

...not just scrolling down because you can't be bothered?

...OK then. Here's what, by default, the ACTION button is.

...100% sure you actually made a guess? OK.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps398cdee7.jpg

Yeah. Control. Because, y'know, that make PERFECT sense.

(Oh, all right. You can use Enter as well. But they don't actually tell you that!)

So let's use this bloomin' switch then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps620ed06b.png
Oh wonderful. Because I'd never have figured out to do that on my own. All hail the great and powerful Godmother.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps667e4346.png
And with that, she buggers off. Thank Christ.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psa22d638e.png
I'd like to point out I only found that funny because the Fairy Godmother is a right royal pain in the arse.

So, what lies beyond the gate? What mystical treasures are there to be plundered? What crimes commited? What people insulted? Well I know, but you'll just have to wait and see.

Originally Posted by Syd (Post 754002) Simon 2 is a pretty good game as far as gameplay goes, but I have difficulty playing through it since there's quite a few moments when I'd rather punch Simon in the face than help him along on his quest.

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden (Post 754007) Quick question - are the pictures too big? That was my main concern when doing this, but if I try to resize them then the subtitles become harder to read. Thoughts?

One thing I forgot to mention is this blatant bit of dickery from the Fairy Godmother.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psdb24f727.png
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps1070f862.png

...OK.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psd727c4b6.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps6a795415.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps930318fc.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps969ed0d0.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psf52d4057.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps588e9489.jpg
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps9baed133.jpg

OK, so, yeah, this game came out in the golden age when manuals not only existed, but also actually contained useful information, including a nice list of all the controls right in the middle of the manual so that it's more than likely to be the first page you see when you open the booklet.

Odd, then, that the game feels the need to explicitely tell you to refer to the manual while it's in the middle of its tutorial section. Y'know, that thing which is EXPLICITELY DESIGNED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO ACTUALLY PLAY THE GAME.

*sigh*

The sad thing is, I did refer to the manual several times until I'd gotten the hang of the controls, and even then I had to keep going back to it whenever I had to combine inventory items, which is horrifically complicated and I'll show you in more detail when we get to it. Ugh.

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed this little bonus segment, and hopefully a proper installment will be up soon.

(For the record, the T-Shirt is the Game Grumps 'TenOuttaTen' one - thanks to Coolsome for telling me where to get it [and sharing the code for free postage, woo])

Right, where were we?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psf84fc2f1.png
Oh, right. We were gonna go through that door. OK, let's head through it then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psffe453b8.png
Ooo, what wonders could await us beyond this gate? It could be treasure, or women, or treasure, or-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...pseda85908.png
...oh. Well that's kinda lame.

Might as well head to the back first. Maybe there's women here?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps08368c9d.png
...oh, it's a dead end. That's... that's nice.

Note that plate on the floor. No idea why I'm telling you to do this. Just feel like it. Hint hint.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psbb11cbf1.png
Alright, we'll go the other way. Towards the camera. Because THAT isn't awkward at all.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps40909607.png
Now THIS is awkward. Jeez, what were the developers thinking? These camera angles are just awful. It makes controlling Simon a massive pain in the arse, especially with those Tank controls I mentioned earlier, because it means I keep running straight into things.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps6d866b92.png
...like so.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps27663527.png
Anyway, once I make my way around that I head down the hall and find...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps90e10d57.png
...a nice display thingamy.

Now I want to look at it, so it's time for another game of...

GUESS THE CONTROLS!

Yes, it's time for round two of that most irritating of quizzes! And for 10 points, your next question:

WHAT BUTTON DO YOU PRESS TO EXAMINE THINGS?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps3687bdd2.jpg

...

...ready?

...

...padding so you don't accidentally see the answer while scrolling down...

...

...more padding...

...

...OK, here's the button you press to EXAMINE:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps51750010.png

...

Y'know, I can sort of see the logic there. X to eXamine things. But, and here's the big question, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY NOT JUST USE THE E KEY THEN? Gah!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psb03027b4.png
And all so Simon can point out that it's important for something. Well whoop-de-fucking-do, it's not like I can't tell that for myself. What is it? Are those jewels? Can I do anything with it? Does any of this sound at all important? These are the things you should be telling me Simon, not that the blatantly obviously important thing could well be a tiny bit important!

We're barely 5 minutes into the actual game, folks. FIVE. MINUTES.

*sigh*

Alright, let's just try to use the thing then, see what that does. That's the Ctrl button, remember.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...pse19125af.png
Oh, Simon just takes the three jewels. So they were jewels then. Would have been nice to know that before you picked them up, but whatever.

So Simon takes all three remaining jewels an-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps1aa30f41.png
OH FUCK NO. I do NOT want to be dealing with this bitch right about now.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps5eb3013f.png
Yeah, no Shit, Sherlock.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps440bd4a2.png
Mine was better.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps0f06fd39.png
OH GOD NO NOT MORE EXPOSITION RUUUUUUUN!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps8c1807d2.png
Actually, you can skip this one if you want, and thank christ for that, because it takes AGES to go through.

How do I know this?

...because I listened to it.

And because I did that, I can tell you of a bizarre bug that happens here. On certain lines, like this one for example:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psf8e9e013.png
...there's no audio. The game acts like there should be some, and the character moves her mouth as if she's saying something, but there's no actual audible voice. It's incredibly bizarre. What's more, it's oddly specific. There's about five or six lines from the Fairy Godmother in this chapter, and then it doesn't re-occur until Chapter Three. Very odd.

Anyway. The blurb here explains the inventory system, which is accessed by pressing the SPACE BAR. That's not entirely unreasonable, so I'll let it slide. What I WON'T forgive is how you use an item. First you select it with the ACTION button (Ctrl or Enter, remember). It'll then be in the 'In Hand' position, shown by an image of the item appearing in the far-right box on the upper right of the screen. These boxes hide themselves away during cutscenes and dialogue (though there's so much bloody dialogue in this game that they're pretty much the same sodding thing), so I can't show you without referring to an earlier shot:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psbb11cbf1.png
...like so. You then use it by pressing...

...oh sod it, I can't be bothered with doing the whole quiz thing again. It's Alt.

Yes, Alt. That one key you never press because it usually brings up the 'File' menu of whatever program you're using. THAT Alt.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps70e16a89.png

*sigh*

Oh, and having Little Miss Exposition tell you all this without any visual aids to help show you what she's actually talking about and let you better understand what's going on is EXACTLY the sort of thing idiots who can't be bothered to do any decent programming would do, which explains why it's happening right now.

This is just amateurish. One of the golden rules of cinema is 'Show, Don't Tell', and that's no less applicable to games. In fact, it's even MORE important, because you can do BETTER than just showing players stuff. You can guide them through it. Games are an interactive medium, after all, and the best way to get someone to understand how to do something is to actually have them do it while you're guiding them through the experience.

But oh no, that's FAR too advanced for this game. No, Simon 3D just tells you stuff and leaves you to figure it out on your own. And then it tells you that you should probably read the manual if you're stuck.

No. No I shouldn't. You should be doing a better job of showing me what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, you stupid, irritating, cock-sucking BITCH.

...

Ahem.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psaa396508.png

...a little boring?

...A LITTLE BORING?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps85b8ef62.png
...oh, thank you Simon. I guess you're not as bad as I thought you were.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps61eab794.png
Oh, shut up.

She goes on to explain... well, not an awful lot, really. And then she leaves.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps6fc8c7bf.png
Oh now really, there's no need for that...

Anyway. As we were.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps0a1b8d1b.png
Let's continue down the hallway and see where we end up.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psb777f96b.png
Seriously?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psc5a944f5.png
Right, there we go. Now, let's see wher-

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps58bffc67.png
OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psac24528e.png
Oh, you're just taking the piss with that one.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psae0947ab.png
I swear, I'm not doing this on purpose. The controls really are this bad! Honest!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps7328cbca.png
Right. That took some work. Let's see what's through here.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psb8babb8a.png
FUCK YOU, GAME.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps110ec6a4.png
Aha! Victory at last! Lo, I have triumphed over the terrible controls and horrendous camera angles! And there's a key. Lovely. I'll just walk up and grab that...

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psb0d0e54a.png
The flying moonshine is that? Is a giant robot falling from the ceiling?

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...psbe34ef61.png
Ah. That'd be a yes then.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps83bcecc0.png
Oh Simon, you loveable coward. Quick, grab it and shove it back on your head before the camera has a chance to cut back to you, because then the programmers don't have to make a separate model of you without the hat on!

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ps35d27f92.png
...phew. That was a close one. Who cares if it made the cutscene awkward to watch, we have lazy coders to deal with!

OK, I think I've broken everyone's bandwidth enough for one day. We'll see how Simon deals with the giant robot who (spoiler) genuinely can't hurt you at all (no, seriously) in the next instalment.