Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
Part 3: 'Insulting the Locals (aka 'Joe the Jerk)'
Following Part 2 and my inability to get past the gorilla; forum user, Jennifer suggested suspending all disbelief in my approach. Following her advice, I resort to trying to talk to the gorilla. Yeah, like that's
going to work!
"You've gotta be fucking kidding!"
The conversation with the anthropomorphic creature continues and it's not long before we are playing a game of charades... I shit you not.
Whereas I can't believe that the developers had me playing charades with an ape.
As thoroughly "amusing" as all of this is, it's really not helping me to get past our idiotic irritant. The solution to this problem makes just about as much sense as a talking primate...
... at which point the gorilla disappears up it's own paradox...
...but not before briefly transforming into Mr. DNA from 'Jurassic Park'.
"That's 'Mr. Damn Nonsensical Ape' to you!"
This whole scenario seemed so ridiculous and far fetched that I had to take a moment to stop playing and come up with a rational explanation for what just occurred.
I came the conclusion that Dr. Fruitloop designed a robotic simian as a guard to keep unwanted visitors away from his lab.
ADVERTISEMENT: Another fine product from Fruitloop Incorporated. *Disclaimer: Robot Gorilla may be prone to constantly initiating a game of charades. No refunds.
What Joe did was introduce a state of cognitive dissonance
within the artificial intelligence of the robot, causing it to explode...
"Does not compute!"
... Either that or the developers simply dropped a bollock on this one!
I'm betting everything on 'bollock'.
It's time for another cut-scene...
Faye is sick of waiting for Joe to return and who can blame her, considering that Joe has spent the last three years trying to get passed an ape.
Out of frustration, Faye chucks her expensive bottle of perfume into the lake, which is a pretty short sighted thing to do...
... after-all, you never know when you might need to spray some perfume on a stinky elephant's head.
Disposing of a valued personal possession may seem like a fairly random thing for Faye to do but the developers clearly intended this scene to
give her character extra depth by showing her impending mental breakdown
add an extra item to the player's inventory.
Unfortunately because Faye has never acted in a horror movie before, she decides to split up and go looking for help all by herself. However, I'm sure that this will have no adverse consequences whatsoever. I mean, it's not like there's a mad scientist lurking in the jungle, ready to kidnap her and try to turn her into a dinosaur-woman hybrid or anything...
...Oh right, him! Oh well, if the worst comes to the worst then Faye could always star in the next 'Jurassic Park' movie. As a bonus, it'll also save the studio a small fortune in special effects!
I head on back to the crash site in an attempt to retrieve the perfume but Joe is wary of the piranhas again and for some unexplained reason we're unable to distract them with the last of our beef jerky, as we did previously.
"Beef jerky will no longer suffice, human. We now demand a virgin sacrifice."
"... and a shrubbery."
Bloody hell, Joe! He's sat right in front of you! You should change your name by deed pole to 'Joe Foo King Rood'.
Sparky is attempting to fix the engine by filing down the damage on it; a great mechanic he is not!
Joe asks Sparky if he can have the file.
Joe's finger nails.
However, Sparky refuses to provide Joe with the tool until he has provided him with a replacement 'Commander Rocket' comic. Hmm, I wonder why he's being so unhelpful...
One minute prior.
This is going nowhere fast so I head back to the now gorilla-less path and proceed onwards.
I reach a view of the surrounding area, which acts as a map for selectable locations. First stop; Trader Bob.
Upon arrival, Joe immediately insults a local!
"Mr. Foo King Rood, we present to you this award for 'Nice Guy of the Year' with no small amount of sarcasm."
Joe continues to bully the confused pygmy, who remains silent (this is probably due to the poor sod suffering from low self-esteem and trying to hold back the tears). Joe decides to stop being a jerk for all of 2 minutes and walks into the village.
First we'll try to talk to the chief of the village...
ROUGH TRANSLATION: "Of course not! What do you think I am?! A gorilla or something!"
I'm starting to think that I'm playing the wrong game. This is 'Flight of the Amazon Queen', right? Not 'Asshole Simulator '95'?!
I head into Trader Bob's shop and am greeted by the man himself. I notice that the
dog from the Scumm Bar
parrot that we came across earlier is sat on a perch.
I ask Bob about what the parrot had told me earlier...
Bob dishes out the local gossip...
Stop press! Joe in 'asking a constructive question' shocker!
Because there's nothing conspicuous about a Lederhosen company in the middle of the Amazon Jungle!
Lederhosen; it's all the rage with the tribes of today.
Bob says that he knows Princess Azura personally and asks me to rescue her. He claims that he can't do so himself because
he's a lazy coward
the kidnappers know that he is friends with Azura and that Joe will stand a better chance of getting near her.
Joe forgets that he's trying to find a way out of the jungle and save his friends' lives and agrees to help Bob instead.
I end my conversation with Bob and notice his beef jerky jar is empty. Bob has been selling beef jerky from his store but has run out and is waiting for supplies. What is it with beef jerky and this game?!
'Flight of the Amazon Queen', brought to you in association with Blamo's Beef Jerky; serving you the finest in beef jerky since 1806.
I offer Bob the last of my beef jerky.
Sounds good to me.
What. The. Fuck. Shut the hell up, Joe. I'm in charge here and I say take the God damn money. What do you think I am, a charity?
I hand the jerky over to Bob, take the money and give Joe an evil stare for attempting to screw me over. Bob then tells me that's he's starving (yeah, he really looks it. The skin is just draping off his bones) and wolfs down the beef jerky. For a man named 'Trader Bob', you'd think that he'd know not to consume his own stock. It's hardly a surprise that his fucking jar was empty!
I think you meant to say 'Incompetent Trader Bob'.
Now that I have some money; it's time to have a look at the goods in the store...
Let's start by looking at some alcohol...
Good for you, Joe.
Uhhhh... admitting that you're in denial is the first step to recovery, Joe.
What's this? A film reel.
A Swedish wildlife film? I'm imaging something like this...
"And here we observe the wondrous ABBA creatures, grazing amongst their natural habitat; the Eurovision Song Contest. If we're especially quiet then we may be fortunate enough to hear them sing one of their mating calls."
Attempting to purchase 99% of the merchandise results in Bob saying the above. I hereby promote Bob from 'Incompetent Trader Bob' to 'Soon to be Out of Business Bob'.
"Congratulations, Bob. You've really earned it. You'll find an application for welfare enclosed."
In fact, the only item that Bob actually appears to be selling is this vacuum cleaner. So I purchase it.
The Oxford Dictionary defines a vacuum cleaner as a device used for the cleaning of carpets, the interior of cars and for tidying up the Amazon jungle.
Next I talk to Bob's assistant...
Wedgewood is the parrot in case you were wondering.
"Man, that perfume was totally psychedelic. I was tripping my balls off for weeks. You gotta fix me up with some more, man. I just need another hit. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME DRY!"
Of course, I know where to find some perfume and the lady is interested in getting a replacement bottle...
Please say access to your vagina. Please say access to your vagina.
"Oh, great. Just what I've always wanted. Scissors."
I leave the shop to take a cold shower and a cut-scene kicks in.
Notice the framed photo of Dr. Fruitloop on the wall. It's the exact same shot from earlier in the game. I guess that the Lackey took a photo of him whilst he was cackling in a evil manner.
cheese Nyah ha ha haar, Sir.
That's right; humour the old fart, Lackey #6.
All together now...
Is Dr. Fruitloop really going to explain his plan every single time we cut to him?! Go on then, do your silly little evil laugh...
That's the spirit!
"I'll go fetch your medication, Sir."
"...You crazy old bastard."
Well, that's it for Part 3.