[Darth Marsden]

I'd like to kick off this thread with a review of the Twilight movie.

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Ahem.

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It fucking sucks.

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That is all.

EDIT: Oh all right.

The Twilight movie baffles me. It's one of the most appalling bad films I've ever seen, with so many amateurish mistakes made during its creation, and yet it's become amazingly popular. It's a genuine mystery how so many people can like it.

The plot, for lack of a better word, is so weak it defies logic. Girl moves to backwater town, falls in love with boy, boy turns out to be vampire, vampire has family, everyone's cool with everything, random threat dealt with in about 5 minutes, girl wants to be vampire so she can be with boy forever. And while that may seem like it's interesting, they somehow manage to not only pad this out to over two hours, but they also manage to lose any sense of pacing.

There's no transitional phases to show that these events take place over a great span of time, and as a result everything seems to occur within the space of a week. It's incredibly disturbing to see the girl meet the boy and then, with seemingly little interaction between the two, suddenly declare that she's in love with him and blindly accept that he's a vampire. Who sparkles.

Which brings me on to the effects, which are uniformly awful. There are three main types of effects. One being when the vampires are seen during the day - they sparkle rather then burn to a crisp as per every other vampire movie ever, and the CG-work for this is shockingly silly. The second is when the vampires run or climb things - it's amazingly obvious that the actors are on wires and just mimicking the actions they should be taking, and brings to mind comedy skits more than anything else. The third is when the vampires leap through the air and attack each other - the jumps more like the actors are simply gliding through the air in awkward poses. It's impossible to take anyone seriously when the average internet reviewer is capable of doing better effects than a fully-financed feature film.

And what film would be complete without actors? This one apparently, because there are none. There's a bunch of models hanging around, but there doesn't appear to be anyone with any actual acting abilities. Half the time the models leave long pauses in between their dialogues that just looks like they forgot their next line, and when they're actually required to deliver anything resembling a performance they turn into robots, giving stilted, emotionless readings that would bore even the most forgiving acting coach.

The whole film is one long cure for insomnia, because nothing about it is even remotely entertaining. There is nothing good about this film, save that it gathers together all the people who like it into one place, which makes it easier for us sane people to blow them to bits. This is one of the most uninspired, lazy and pointless films I have ever witnessed. 2/10, and the only reason it's got that high a mark is because of the soundtrack, which is far and away the best thing about this movie. Not that you'd know, because there's hardly any music playing though the film. Pretty much a failure all round.