...and we're back.
OK, so after the wizard removes the seal on Simon's mouth (aww...), we head outside. Remember, we're headed to the swamp, since that's where Swampy is.
Now, where was that map?
Right. Let's head over to the gate then.
(Incidentally, the left goblin rather obviously has the same voice actress as Goldilocks - it's very distracting)
So we need to get papers. Where do we get those?
Turns out we need to ask this guy:
...I did introduce him, didn't I? Oh, right. Sorry. Well, this is Calypso.
So yes, in order to figure out what to do next, the game has forced us back down that incredibly long corridor. PADDING!
As you can see, he tells us to visit a forger who can do us some nice fake papers.
The problem is, he's in a Wizards-Only club, and we can't get in, since Simon isn't technically a wizard.
So let's go to the Magic Guild and register as one then.
More padding, since this hall is about 17 times bigger than it needs to be.
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Yes. We had to go all the way back, AGAIN, just so Calypso can give us the go-ahead to use him as our sponser.
...and now we get to go all the way back again.
Now that we're in (of sorts), the guy there (who has EXACTLY the same voice as S.I.G.N. from earlier, so clearly the game needed another couple of voice actors!) rolls his magic die to see Simon's magic rating.
...dude's clearly never played D&D.
Anyway. He rolls the die again to determine what Simon's familiar is to be.
A sprite. OK. (Incidentally, since he's rolling 3 six-sided die, that high a score should be impossible, but whatever).
So where do we get a sprite?
RIGHT. So we need to wait until night.
This, ladies and gentlemen, leads us to THE MOST POINTLESS PUZZLE IN THE HISTORY OF ADVENTURE GAMES.
...no. I'm not kidding. This is the most blatant shoe-horning in of a puzzle I've ever seen in all my years of playing adventure games, and as soon as you see it, I'm almost positive you'll agree.
So here's our room. It's upstairs in the inn. Simple enough, right?
But of course, once we lie down on the bed, Simon starts sneezing.
Yes, SIMON IS ALLERGIC TO POLYESTER.
Of course you can't. See, I'd have used his robes as a makeshift pillow or something, but then I guess that's why I don't make video games, isn't it.
So we have to go and find something to fill Simon's pillowcase.
MOST POINTLESS PUZZLE EVER
Now the obvious replacement is feathers of some sort. Unfortunately the only birds I've seen are ducks at the pond we can steal money from, and Simon won't take the feathers by hand.
If we go down and talk to the barkeeper, we can now get our room cleaned, since we actually have one now. So we do that.
The barkeep mentioned a vacuum cleaner. That'd be ideal for sucking up duck feathers. Let's go nick it.
Oh. We can't go up that way while the maid's cleaning.
Now what you're SUPPOSED to do is wedge open the fire exit using the cheese we got from the guy driving down the street, then enter from outside. But fuck that!
Yep. Using the game's poor collision detection, we can actually crawl right under the barrier.
There's the vacuum cleaner, right outside our room. Yoink!
You can also go and try to talk to the maid, but...
Heh. Love the HOM effect behind her (it's a bit hard to see in this shot, but it's VERY apparent in motion).
...and here's me doing what I SHOULD have done in the first place. We need to leave through the fire exit anyway (we can't crawl back under the barrier), so I might as well.
Now, let's go vacuum me a duck.
...one day, Simon will have to answer for his crimes.
I will TREASURE that day. I will have it recorded so I can play it on a loop 24-7 on its own dedicated subscription-based TV.
I will make MILLIONS.
So we combine the feathers with the empty pillow case (where'd the polyester go? Ah, whatever, who cares) to get a new pillow that Simon can use.
Because that was OH SO VERY worth the effort.
Yes, because we wouldn't want Simon to be uncomfortable now, would we? Oh no.
No, seriously. I genuinely can't hear anything. What's he talking about?
<Checks walkthrough that he has been forced to rely on countless times, though he'll never openly admit it>
The guy in the next room is snoring loudly, apparently (the game must be glitching again, because there's absolutely no sound effect to indicate this).
WELCOME TO MY WORLD, ASSHOLE. I can hear my father snoring halfway across the house. I don't know how my mother puts up with, but by god, somehow she does, and SO WILL YOU.
Oh, you're gonna make me stop him, aren't you.