Let's... let's not talk about it. If we do, we'll have to discuss what comes
And you don't want that. Oh god. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
Onwards to Chapter 5!
So we take the CD back to Calypso and he tells us what we need to do next, according to the prophesies of Nostramades.
Here's the prophecy in full:
The King of Fools destroys them,
Lady of Steel, Hero of Light,
King of East and a Prince Brave.
All must journey forth to prevent a great change.
The King of Fools is clearly Simon
, but who are the other four?
Well, Calypso whips out his magical scrying ball and shows us where to find them.
(Calypso flat-out says he FORGOT to use it when we were searching for Swampy. GRR.)
The Lady of Steel is clearly Melissa Leg. The REAL one this time.
The Hero of Light is called Coneman the Barabrain (yeah, I know), and he's the guy who we crushed under a cart.
The King of the East is... well, it's the guy we killed by eating the Sacred Peach early.
And finally, the Prince Brave is Prince Charming, whom we got turned into a frog.
So, basically, because Simon's been such a massive asswipe, he's gone and made his own life six times more complicated.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Great.
So we've got to find the real Melissa Leg, get Coneman out from under the cart (and repair his broken back!), resurrect the Prince of the East and find some way of turning Prince Charming back into a human.
Inadvertently?
INADVERTANTLY?
...
...excuse me while I go and scream at the top of my lungs while standing in the rain.
...ah, that's better.
Now. We need to ask Calypso about changing the Prince back and how to resurrect the King of the East.
We'll ask about the Prince first.
He says that Princess Austin is in town - they're holding a tournament to find her a suitable... well, suitor.
He then explains that he has a friend who can sneak us into the tournament. We'll find him at the side entrance at night.
Right. That's that then. As for the King of the East?
OK. He gives us the soul jar he used in the opening cutscene and explains that in order to capture his soul, something valuable must be placed inside the jar to lure him in.
We'll then need the body, and once we have the two, then Calypso will perform the joining ritual.
OK then! We have ourselves a plan (and the King of the East gets an actual name - Jar Nin).
We'll go grab Jar's body first, since I know where THAT is.
Uh... where'd it go?
No, really. Where'd it go? No-one ever mentions it.
Well, whoever moved him, they've left behind a rather expensive looking necklace. So let's try and grab that.
Nope, stuck. Must be why it got left behind.
What in the seven layers of hell? Is that tree talking to me?
Oh.
It's worth pointing out that this particular woodworm talks like a terrorist. Infidel this and filthy son of a jackal that. It's rather reminiscent of stuff Osama bin Laden would say, and every bit as uncomfortable.
Long story short - if we get them some weapons, they'll eat the tree so we can get at the necklace.
Now, before we go ahead and track down the others, I just want to head back to Calypso quickly. See, I forgot to ask him what we're going to do once we've gotten the four warriors of light together.
*sigh*
Is is worth asking what's still legible?
Oh PLEASE be Simon oh please oh please oh please.
Now, I don't normally feature dialogue scenes taken straight from the game, but when we get conversations like this...
...well, you'll see where I'm going with this.
...this is absolutely HILARIOUS in hindsight.
In case you don't know, this game completely ruined AdventureSoft, and it's really no surprise as to why. Hell, this thread's 8 pages long - take your pick.
But that wasn't the end for Simon, oh no. He had two more games - Chaos Happens and Who'd Even Want Contact?!, both made by Silver Style Entertainment.
A German developer.
...
I'm not even kidding.
The series was fairly popular in Germany, so it's no surprise that a German developer would want to make more games in the series.
From what I can tell, they're actually not that bad either. Certainly better than this piece of crap.
So yeah, that's why that was so hilarious. AdventureSoft actually managed to unintentionally predict that the series would be continued in Germany.
Yes you do Simon. Yes you do.