My mother's only friend is dying within the week. Just found this out tonight. We can't see her in time. My mom doesn't know what to say to her. Friends for 22 years, those two, and she's all my mom has for a true friend. My mother is going to feel so alone soon.
Her friend is happy, and at peace. She doesn't want anyone to grieve.
I thought about that all day. But that's not me. I've always been afraid. When I was a baby I would go into fits of tears if someone laughed. As a child, I had crippling phobias of the dark and hallways and nightly recurring nightmares. As a teenager I was a nervous wreck in high school trying to get everyone to like me while dealing with extreme shyness and agoraphobia and panic disorder, and I failed with almost everyone. And now as a young adult I'm scared to go to sleep because I'm pondering the meaning of life. I have never been able to enjoy life. I make jokes, and make fun of others to cope. That's how I get enjoyment. Not great.
This isn't a switch, you overpaid quack.
This is WHO I AM. I can't deal with this on my own. I need professional help. Which is really funny since I consider that a load of bullshit. Shrinks are people too; they're afraid and they deal with the same things I do and lack the same answers I do. Yet they're the professionals who can help me. Funny. That's funny.