[RetroVortex]

What do you do when your boss promises to give you information about the new department your supposed to be working on at the end of the week, but then decides to go on holiday for the rest of that week and not tell you anything at all?

Because thats the situation I am in now.
And I've had enough now.
This guy, just hasn't done anything about his side of the arrangement, and after four month of pushing a trolley around I've just had enough.
(It was only supposed to be 6-8 weeks. I heard that come from his very lips so I know that I couldn't be confused here)

I haven't even bothered to go into work this week. I don't even KNOW what work I'm supposed to be doing.

I just can't go on with this. I mean I worked 5 days a week for four months, 37 hours a week, and only getting paid my regular 7.5 hour weekly pay, and for what?

Nothing. Exactly nothing.

I have learned nothing. Dotcom never did anything with me except order me to push trolleys around all day.
For fucks sake, I'm supposed to be doing a placement here. I'm doing a fucking business degree. I need to be learning stuff. Anything.
But I learned nothing else. I didn't even have that day out with the driver I was promised.

I... need to look for something else now. A new job, or just charity work for the week or something, because anything is better than this.

I mean I had to get out of it. The despair was all-consuming.
I don't see how people can live with that monotony. That groundhog day-like experience.
It was maddening. I constantly felt like running out of the store and jumping into the traffic or something, just to escape it all.

My life isn't great as it is, but this was pushing me over the line. It was just plain unhealthy.

I can't bring myself to tell the uni about it still. Its been a very long time since I've been in contact. Likely screwed everything up, but Its the shame guys. I feel so ashamed of myself. That I let this happen.
I was so desperate to stay on the course I tried everything. I probably should have sucked up that very little pride I had left and just transferred.
I just can't handle it. Seeing all those "uni-friends" again.
They might even half-care about me, but I couldn't face them.
They were all so successful, getting everything they wanted, having those perfect little experiences, posting it all up on facebook and that, and me?

nothing. I just never achieve anything, and it just depresses me.
I try so hard to do stuff, but I just never seem to get enough traction to be successful.

I don't have a lot of skill. I don't have any connections really.
Even basic things have been a struggle to me. Hell it took a lot of convincing by my parents just to go to a Magic draft.
Something that simple, and I struggle with it.
I was so nervous when I went as well. Its so stupid but its true. I'm just full of fear.

Afraid to step out of the shadows I lurk in and be noticed.
I crave to be recognised, to be acknowledged, to have that little bit more, but I'm so afraid to commit to that. Afraid I'll get burned by playing with fire.

Only when I surrender my heart, do I ever seem capable to rebel.
But its a kind of mindless rebellion, and it simply does not last.

Somehow this c-c-cowardly Lion needs to learn some true bravery. Else he's just going to go nowhere.

Sorry for dumping this all down at once, but I really needed to vent today.