Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

[St_Eddie]

I've added a few updates to part 2, so those who've already read it may want to have a second look. The new stuff consists of pictures and photos outside of the game itself, so they should be easy enough to spot!

I'll be posting Part 3 tomorrow.

[puzzlebox]

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

Joe King (it's best to get used to the cringe inducing puns in this game)

To be honest I always expected Joe and Faye to get together at the end, just for the Joe King / Faye King gag.

This is great stuff, definitely got some laughs out of me! I look forward to the next installment with anticipation.

[St_Eddie]

Originally Posted by puzzlebox

To be honest I always expected Joe and Faye to get together at the end, just for the Joe King / Faye King gag.

Oh wow, I'd never considered that.

Looks like I now know what the final gag I'll be making for my let's play will be, thanks to you.

[corruptbiggins]

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

I've added a few updates to part 2, so those who've already read it may want to have a second look. The new stuff consists of pictures and photos outside of the game itself, so they should be easy enough to spot!

It felt like there was something missing, and that was it. Keep it up!

[Darth Marsden]

Aw. Every time I see someone's posted in this thread I keep thinking it's the next part. And then I look at who posted and it's not. Stop getting my hopes up! I can't live like this! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PEOPLE!

[corruptbiggins]

Sorry!

[Darth Marsden]

No you're not. You're just saying that to get me to shut up.

(I'm the one who's actually sorry, I seem to be a bit mad this afternoon/evening. Video editing'll do that to you.)

[St_Eddie]

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

Aw. Every time I see someone's posted in this thread I keep thinking it's the next part. And then I look at who posted and it's not. Stop getting my hopes up! I can't live like this! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PEOPLE!

I'm sorry if you were thinking this post might have been Part 3 but I just thought I'd let you know that I'm going to have a shower, watch 'The Simpsons', eat my dinner and then I'll get started on Part 3. I promise that it'll be uploaded at some point tonight.

[Darth Marsden]

Gah! That was mean! Slapped wrists all round.

...but not slapped so hard you can't work. I do want you to keep up with this, after all.

[Edward VanHelgen]

[St_Eddie]

Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
Part 3: 'Insulting the Locals (aka 'Joe the Jerk)'

Following Part 2 and my inability to get past the gorilla; forum user, Jennifer suggested suspending all disbelief in my approach. Following her advice, I resort to trying to talk to the gorilla. Yeah, like that's going to work!






"You've gotta be fucking kidding!"

The conversation with the anthropomorphic creature continues and it's not long before we are playing a game of charades... I shit you not.


Whereas I can't believe that the developers had me playing charades with an ape.

As thoroughly "amusing" as all of this is, it's really not helping me to get past our idiotic irritant. The solution to this problem makes just about as much sense as a talking primate...





... at which point the gorilla disappears up it's own paradox...

...but not before briefly transforming into Mr. DNA from 'Jurassic Park'.


"That's 'Mr. Damn Nonsensical Ape' to you!"

This whole scenario seemed so ridiculous and far fetched that I had to take a moment to stop playing and come up with a rational explanation for what just occurred.

I came the conclusion that Dr. Fruitloop designed a robotic simian as a guard to keep unwanted visitors away from his lab.


ADVERTISEMENT: Another fine product from Fruitloop Incorporated. *Disclaimer: Robot Gorilla may be prone to constantly initiating a game of charades. No refunds.

What Joe did was introduce a state of cognitive dissonance within the artificial intelligence of the robot, causing it to explode...


"Does not compute!"


... Either that or the developers simply dropped a bollock on this one!


I'm betting everything on 'bollock'.


It's time for another cut-scene...


Faye is sick of waiting for Joe to return and who can blame her, considering that Joe has spent the last three years trying to get passed an ape.

Out of frustration, Faye chucks her expensive bottle of perfume into the lake, which is a pretty short sighted thing to do...

... after-all, you never know when you might need to spray some perfume on a stinky elephant's head.

Disposing of a valued personal possession may seem like a fairly random thing for Faye to do but the developers clearly intended this scene to give her character extra depth by showing her impending mental breakdown add an extra item to the player's inventory.


Unfortunately because Faye has never acted in a horror movie before, she decides to split up and go looking for help all by herself. However, I'm sure that this will have no adverse consequences whatsoever. I mean, it's not like there's a mad scientist lurking in the jungle, ready to kidnap her and try to turn her into a dinosaur-woman hybrid or anything...


...Oh right, him! Oh well, if the worst comes to the worst then Faye could always star in the next 'Jurassic Park' movie. As a bonus, it'll also save the studio a small fortune in special effects!

I head on back to the crash site in an attempt to retrieve the perfume but Joe is wary of the piranhas again and for some unexplained reason we're unable to distract them with the last of our beef jerky, as we did previously.


"Beef jerky will no longer suffice, human. We now demand a virgin sacrifice."


"... and a shrubbery."

LOOK at SPARKY:


Bloody hell, Joe! He's sat right in front of you! You should change your name by deed pole to 'Joe Foo King Rood'.


Sparky is attempting to fix the engine by filing down the damage on it; a great mechanic he is not!

Joe asks Sparky if he can have the file.


Joe's finger nails.


However, Sparky refuses to provide Joe with the tool until he has provided him with a replacement 'Commander Rocket' comic. Hmm, I wonder why he's being so unhelpful...

One minute prior.

This is going nowhere fast so I head back to the now gorilla-less path and proceed onwards.


I reach a view of the surrounding area, which acts as a map for selectable locations. First stop; Trader Bob.


Upon arrival, Joe immediately insults a local!


"Mr. Foo King Rood, we present to you this award for 'Nice Guy of the Year' with no small amount of sarcasm."


Joe continues to bully the confused pygmy, who remains silent (this is probably due to the poor sod suffering from low self-esteem and trying to hold back the tears). Joe decides to stop being a jerk for all of 2 minutes and walks into the village.


First we'll try to talk to the chief of the village...



ROUGH TRANSLATION: "Of course not! What do you think I am?! A gorilla or something!"


I'm starting to think that I'm playing the wrong game. This is 'Flight of the Amazon Queen', right? Not 'Asshole Simulator '95'?!


I head into Trader Bob's shop and am greeted by the man himself. I notice that the dog from the Scumm Bar parrot that we came across earlier is sat on a perch.

I ask Bob about what the parrot had told me earlier...




Bob dishes out the local gossip...



Stop press! Joe in 'asking a constructive question' shocker!


Because there's nothing conspicuous about a Lederhosen company in the middle of the Amazon Jungle!


Lederhosen; it's all the rage with the tribes of today.

Bob says that he knows Princess Azura personally and asks me to rescue her. He claims that he can't do so himself because he's a lazy coward the kidnappers know that he is friends with Azura and that Joe will stand a better chance of getting near her.

Joe forgets that he's trying to find a way out of the jungle and save his friends' lives and agrees to help Bob instead.

I end my conversation with Bob and notice his beef jerky jar is empty. Bob has been selling beef jerky from his store but has run out and is waiting for supplies. What is it with beef jerky and this game?!


'Flight of the Amazon Queen', brought to you in association with Blamo's Beef Jerky; serving you the finest in beef jerky since 1806.


I offer Bob the last of my beef jerky.


Sounds good to me.

What. The. Fuck. Shut the hell up, Joe. I'm in charge here and I say take the God damn money. What do you think I am, a charity?


No. I insist.

I hand the jerky over to Bob, take the money and give Joe an evil stare for attempting to screw me over. Bob then tells me that's he's starving (yeah, he really looks it. The skin is just draping off his bones) and wolfs down the beef jerky. For a man named 'Trader Bob', you'd think that he'd know not to consume his own stock. It's hardly a surprise that his fucking jar was empty!


I think you meant to say 'Incompetent Trader Bob'.

Now that I have some money; it's time to have a look at the goods in the store...

Let's start by looking at some alcohol...

Good for you, Joe.

Uhhhh... admitting that you're in denial is the first step to recovery, Joe.


What's this? A film reel.

A Swedish wildlife film? I'm imaging something like this...


"And here we observe the wondrous ABBA creatures, grazing amongst their natural habitat; the Eurovision Song Contest. If we're especially quiet then we may be fortunate enough to hear them sing one of their mating calls."


Attempting to purchase 99% of the merchandise results in Bob saying the above. I hereby promote Bob from 'Incompetent Trader Bob' to 'Soon to be Out of Business Bob'.


"Congratulations, Bob. You've really earned it. You'll find an application for welfare enclosed."


In fact, the only item that Bob actually appears to be selling is this vacuum cleaner. So I purchase it.


The Oxford Dictionary defines a vacuum cleaner as a device used for the cleaning of carpets, the interior of cars and for tidying up the Amazon jungle.

Next I talk to Bob's assistant...


Wedgewood is the parrot in case you were wondering.


"Man, that perfume was totally psychedelic. I was tripping my balls off for weeks. You gotta fix me up with some more, man. I just need another hit. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME DRY!"

Of course, I know where to find some perfume and the lady is interested in getting a replacement bottle...


Please say access to your vagina. Please say access to your vagina.



"Oh, great. Just what I've always wanted. Scissors."


I leave the shop to take a cold shower and a cut-scene kicks in.







Notice the framed photo of Dr. Fruitloop on the wall. It's the exact same shot from earlier in the game. I guess that the Lackey took a photo of him whilst he was cackling in a evil manner.


"Say cheese Nyah ha ha haar, Sir.




That's right; humour the old fart, Lackey #6.



All together now...

DINOSAUR WOMEN!


Is Dr. Fruitloop really going to explain his plan every single time we cut to him?! Go on then, do your silly little evil laugh...

That's the spirit!



"I'll go fetch your medication, Sir."
"...You crazy old bastard."

Well, that's it for Part 3.

[Darth Marsden]

You need to center the Indiana Jones poster and the screaming woman below it, but otherwise a perfectly brilliant piece of entertainment. Very much enjoying these, thanks for doing it!

[St_Eddie]

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

You need to center the Indiana Jones poster and the screaming woman below it

Fixed

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

...otherwise a perfectly brilliant piece of entertainment. Very much enjoying these

Thanks man, I'm so happy that people are enjoying it. Part 3 took five hours to put together!

First I have to play the game segments themselves and keep my fingers hovered over ALT+S at all times, in order to take screenshots.

I usually end up with around 200 screenshots for each Part, which I then have to whittle down to the essentials for the forum.

Next I convert the screenshots to JPEG format (one by one) and upload them to Imageshack.

Then I have to copy the address for each individual screenshot from Imageshack and paste them onto this thread.

It's then a case of creating the actual post and coming up with things to say about each screen, whilst also scouring Google Images for relevant pictures.

It's a bit of a pain in the arse to be honest but it's all worthwhile providing people are entertained by the final result.

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

Thanks for doing it!

No, thank you for taking the time to read through my let's play and leaving kind feedback.

[Darth Marsden]

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

Thanks man, I'm so happy that people are enjoying it. Part 3 took five hours to put together!
...
No, thank you for taking the time to read through my let's play and leaving kind feedback.

You're very welcome! It's easy to enjoy these things when you make them so god-damn funny, and I'm happy to be a fan, as I suspect all of us are. Long may you continue!

[corruptbiggins]

Fantastic stuff. Thanks for putting the effort in and doing this.

[WarpSpeed]

Don't worry, we're being entertained!

(Especially since I've been drinking already. Must be NHL playoffs or something.)

[Alcoremortis]

This is hilarious and probably much better than a video walkthrough would be (some things just don't translate as well into video). I was in stitches with the looking at Sparky repeatedly to get the "he's looking kinda pudgy" line whenever the piranhas were mentioned. Why do the designers never give us the option to sacrifice our own companions for the good of the plot? Why?

[puzzlebox]

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

For a man named 'Trader Bob', you'd think that he'd know not to consume his own stock. It's hardly a surprise that his fucking jar was empty!

We always called him "Trader Slob".

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

Part 3 took five hours to put together!

It's worth it! I love this game and your Let's Play, thanks so much for taking the time.

[St_Eddie]

Originally Posted by puzzlebox

We always called him "Trader Slob".

Haha. Good one.

Originally Posted by puzzlebox

It's worth it! I love this game and your Let's Play, thanks so much for taking the time.

Aw, thankski verski muchski, budski!

I'll be uploading Part 4 tomorrow.

[St_Eddie]

Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
Part 4: 'Bestiality is Not Acceptable... Unless You're a Missionary'

It's time to travel to a new location...

Let's try exploring the jungle some more.


We come across a three-toed sloth, doing what it does best and just hanging out.


My first instinct is to discipline the sloth with tough love and force it to respect my "authoritah"!

Sadly, for some reason the game seems to have no concept of "authoritah" and so therefore the three-toed sloth remains unpunished for daring to exist. Damn it!


You win this round, you furry little shit.


Moving on, we meet a couple of explorers named Bud and Skip.


Bud explains that they were captured by a tribe of Amazonian women and used as sex slaves (no really, that's what they say)...



Oh Joe, you're so adorably sexist.


However, they were eventually released and are now desperately trying to get captured again.


Rape: it's a fun-time bonanza!

Let's go behind the scenes at Warner Interactive, during the period when 'Flight of the Amazon Queen' was being developed...

"Finally, a creative outlet for my lifelong fantasy of having sex with a woman being molested by Amazonian women!"

Joe then proceeds to ask an incredibly stupid question...

It's the fucking Amazon, Joe! What do you think?!


The Amazon jungle, as Joe expected it to be.

He also makes an incredibly stupid statement...

Yep, everybody knows that Amazon women are right up there with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.


Pfft! 'WWW.SO-FAKE.COM' more like!


We then talk to Skip, who is a comic collector. He also tells us that he primarily collects 'Commander Rocket' comics...


"Duh, I wonder if this will tie in with me having to find Sparky a replacement comic!"

Skip also explains to us just how far his hardcore obsession with his hobby extends to, by telling us where he has stored his issue #1 of 'Commander Rocket'...

Along with the rotting corpses of several prostitutes, no doubt.

It's extremely contrived fortunate that Skip just happens to be carrying the exact same issue of 'Commander Rocket' that Sparky has requested. Further more, Skip is more than happy to simply hand it over to us when asked, without wanting anything in return.


Puzzles; fuck it, who needs 'em?! I do, when I'm playing a fucking adventure game!


A blueprint falls out of the 'Commander Rocket' comic.


Skip gives me a 'Commander Rocket' secret code to pass on to fellow fan, Sparky. It reads; 'GSRH RH Z HVXIVG'!

By using the blueprint, I'm able to translate the secret code (which is actually an easter egg). The translated code reads 'This is a secret'...


"Worst. Easter Egg. Ever."

Before I leave to hand the comic over to Sparky, Bud provides me with one more vital piece of information...


Wonderful. Thanks for the information, Bud. Anything else that you'd care to tell me? Perhaps about your chronic case of hemorrhoids? Or shall we just leave it at 'knob-rot', hmm?

Anyway, Bud requests that I fetch him a cure for "Bud Jr.", should I come across one. Fine, it's not like I have anything better to do then to sort out your diseased penis, Bud. Well, except for...

* Saving my companions from certain death within the jungle.
* Saving a Princess from being turned into a dinosaur.

... Nope, Bud's rancid cock is clearly the priority here.


I make my way back to Sparky, in order to give him his precious 'Commander Rocket' comic.


And it's going to be in even less of a 'mint condition' once I've finished beating your sorry ass with it, you bloody ingrate!

The ungrateful sod begrudgingly accepts the comic, thus restoring his complete 'Commander Rocket' collection...

... no doubt including the 'Pocket Rocket Condom', which is seldom used by comic geeks like Sparky (but hey, at least he's able to keep it sealed and in mint condition).


Sparky hands me over one of his files and I'm on my miserable merry way.


Making my way back into the jungle, I find a fish attempting to eat a hovering beetle. There's no way to catch the little blighter at present though, so I move on.


Oh God, please no! Not again!


"FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!"


The gorilla tells us that's he's a dinosaur and that he's guarding the log bridge.

Let's have take another peek behind the scenes at Warner Interactive...

"Hey guys, I've got it! You know that really loathsome gorilla character from earlier in the game? Yeah, let's reuse him."



I attempt to make the walking turd disappear up his own paradox again but it fails to work this time.

Running away as fast as I can, I come across...

... Hold on, this scene looks eerily familiar; almost like something from a nightmare! Hmm...



"The memories are flooding back. I had tried so hard to forget!"


I am incredibly relieved to find that these monkeys don't talk and nor do they practice the art of 'Monkey Kombat'. Phew.


It turns out that the two people are married missionaries, named Jimmy and Mary-Lou (I wonder if they're married missionaries who do it in the missionary position?) and they are in the Amazon jungle to educate the local tribes.

However, the tribes weren't interested in their teachings (who can blame them) and so they've decided to study the local wildlife instead (as you do).

Frankly, I'm getting bored now and so decide to imagine that Jimmy has a... um, rather unhealthy "special relationship" with the monkeys!

... Yeah, preferably attached to the end of your penis!


I bet that you're forever blowing bubbles!


"Studying"... yeah, right! I'm sure that you give them a good, hard studying on a regular basis!




WARNING: EUPHEMISM OVERLOAD!

Listen, I apologise for the crudeness of my imagination but I have to do something to keep me sane during this let's play! Give me a break.


Moving swiftly on from the subject of bestiality, Jimmy tells me that last month he studied sloths.


I'll give you a 50/50 chance of guessing, Joe. It's either :

A/ The creature you attempted to beat with a bat earlier.

or

B/ It's this abomination...




Joe must have chosen the latter option because he then asks this question...

Joe, you're a fucking moron!


I think that the developers had given up at this point and couldn't be bothered to even try and make this "hint" subtle. I shrug my shoulders and give Mary-Lou a replacement file. In exchange, she hands me a 'Pygmy-to-English dictionary', which will allow me to converse with the local tribes.

Before I head on back to the Pygmy village to try out my new dictionary, I notice that the middle monkey is the only one without a banana...

I hand the simian my potassium based treat and I pick up the coconut, which he was previously holding.


I arrive back at the village and use my dictionary to communicate with the Chief.


He tells me what I already knew hours ago and then proceeds to tell some excruciating jokes, which I've cut from this let's play; you lot owe me big time!

Seeming as the Chief is about as useful as a solar powered flashlight, I go to talk to the Witch Doctor...

No shit, Sherlock!


I ask the Witch Doctor to make me a cure for Bud's genital rash, which is honestly something I could've happily gone the rest of my life without asking!


The Witch Doctor tells me that I will need to fetch three ingredients for the cure. The items she lists are perplexingly cryptic painfully obvious...


That'll be the hair from the three-toed sloth then.


Yeah, yeah... the coconut that I'm already carrying.


Let's see now; the beetle hovering over the fish, perchance?

I might as well give her the coconut whilst I'm here...

Being that Joe is a complete waste of space, he seems to be unaware that coconuts contain milk! I mean, what were you thinking of doing, Joe? Milking Sparky's man-boobs?!


Because Joe would need to be instructed to wipe his own ass, I tell him to use the knife on the coconut and voila; milk.

That's one of the three ingredients sorted and a good time to save my game I think...



Well, that's it for Part 4