Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'

[WarpSpeed]

I think Puzzlebox probably has one of the least bland existences on the board. However, I, too, was thinking about this the other day and wondering if it would ever resume.

[Darth Marsden]

Likewise. It might even encourage me to keep going with my own Let's Play...

[flesk]

I'm also eagerly anticipating the continuance of this let's play. I loved the format of this one and I'm looking forward to the sure to come hardcover book once the let's play is complete.

[St_Eddie]

Hey all, thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I haven't forgotten about this Let's Play ; however, I have some good news and some bad news...

The bad news is that I'm only able to update this thread when I stay over at my parents house, due to technical reasons.

The good news is that I'm visiting my parents this weekend!

[Alcoremortis]

Huzzah! May the cliffhanger finally end!

[puzzlebox]

Originally Posted by WarpSpeed

I think Puzzlebox probably has one of the least bland existences on the board. However, I, too, was thinking about this the other day and wondering if it would ever resume.

Ok, my statement was somewhat hyperbolic. Life is pretty awesome, but the net level of awesome would be increased with another installment of this.

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

The bad news is that I'm only able to update this thread when I stay over at my parents house, due to technical reasons.

The good news is that I'm visiting my parents this weekend!

Hooray for Davies's parents! As if doing us the favour of conceiving and raising you wasn't enough!

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

Hey all, thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I haven't forgotten about this Let's Play ; however, I have some good news and some bad news...

The bad news is that I'm only able to update this thread when I stay over at my parents house, due to technical reasons.

The good news is that I'm visiting my parents this weekend!

[St_Eddie]

Originally Posted by puzzlebox

Hooray for Davies's parents! As if doing us the favour of conceiving and raising you wasn't enough!

Thanks for the mental image. :/

[St_Eddie]

Aww, screw it! I might as well play a decent game for a change... "
I arrive at the look-out post and an old geezer listens to my inane ramblings. I can feel my lifelong desire to finish this 'Let's Play' be a pirate, ebbing ever closer...

... Seriously though, I'm moving to a new apartment soon and therefore I can't update this 'Let's Play' as much as I'd like to. However, the next installment is forthcoming within the next month or so. I promise. Pinky swear!

[thestalkinghead]

OMG i loved this game (or at least the demo i got free with win 95) but i forgot what it was called and it had been a lingering mystery that i have had for years but now i know what it was called

[St_Eddie]

Originally Posted by thestalkinghead

OMG i loved this game (or at least the demo i got free with win 95) but i forgot what it was called and it had been a lingering mystery that i have had for years but now i know what it was called

You (and a few others) may be pleased to know that a new installment in my let's play will be uploaded tomorrow.

[Darth Marsden]

I shall very much look forward to it.

[flesk]

Awesome! I'm really looking forward to it, and I usually have zero interest in Let's Plays.

[St_Eddie]

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

I shall very much look forward to it.

Originally Posted by flesk

Awesome! I'm really looking forward to it, and I usually have zero interest in Let's Plays.

Thank you kindly to you both. Making these let's play installments is nothing short of a headache but comments like these make it all worthwhile (and then some).

[Secret Fawful]

Originally Posted by St_Eddie

You (and a few others) may be pleased to know that a new installment in my let's play will be uploaded tomorrow.

[St_Eddie]

Whilst you are all waiting for me to finish the tedious workload on my new installment, I thought that I'd just let you know that I've updated Part 4 of this let's play (on page two of this thread).

I was never particularly happy with Part 4 and whilst one can only do so much with the material provided, I do think that it makes for a far more entertaining read now. So, you may want to revisit it. If nothing else, it'll make for a good refresher of where we last left of, prior to tomorrows update.

[St_Eddie]

Let's Play 'Flight of the Amazon Queen'
Part 5: 'Life's a Glitch'

It's been quite some time since the last update so please watch this video prior to reading on.

Done that? Good. Let's continue...


You may recall this complete and utter bastard; the Jar Jar Binks of this game. Well, during the last installment of this let's play I couldn’t figure out how to get past the git but I figure that I might as well attempt the same tactic as before by causing a paradox (regarding Robin Williams’ blatant non-existence within reality)…


"I do believe in fairies. I do not believe in myself."


It’s worth a shot but surely there’s no way the developers would bring back this waking turd of a character just to repeat exactly the same puzzle as before is there?!
(clue: yes, of course they fucking would because they’re sadists).


No comment.


As I enter the area that the gorilla was previously blocking, I suddenly think that I’m playing a King’s Quest game. Are those supposed to be rocks or are they what they look like; gigantic freakin’ pumpkins?!


A man pushing a giant rock.


A delicious pumpkin.


I notice a dodgy glitch an interesting detail in the graphics (which I’ve circled for you). It’s some kind of black bar in the water.


Whilst I’m sure that I’ll be needing that orchid, it also occurs to me that the wasps may be the “something with a buzz” ingredient that I need for Bud’s knob lotion. I guess that I was wrong to have assumed that it was the beetle that I would be needing for that - you win this round game.


I vacuum up the wasps and collect the orchid.


Henry the Hoover; arch nemesis to wasps.


I proceed on and come across what appears to be an entrance to a temple but before I can investigate, Joe hears the sound of someone approaching.


Well do it then! Don’t just stand there speaking to yourself and therefore drawing even more attention to your position. Hide man, hide!


Amazingly, the approaching Amazonian women is unable to spot the man shaped blob, wearing a baseball cap that’s crouched right in front of her and walks right past.


“At last, I’ve done it! At last I’ve discovered the secret of invisibility!”


The Amazonian enters by pushing the left booby of the statue (heh heh… more boobies), enters and the door closes behind her.


Oh Lord! Not again, Joe. Why do you find it so hard to believe that there’s such a thing as Amazonian women?!

I walk up to the entrance and examine it…


NEVER?! Breasts?! Really?!


Ban this sick filth!






Ah, that famous Amazonian saying; “mister”.


DUN DUN DUNNNNNN


Why? Didn’t you read the previous ‘later in…’ screen, Joe? Anyway, I best try and make my escape…


Uhhhhh... why can’t Joe fit through the bars exactly? You could fit the entire Chinese population through there at the same time (and a few giant pandas to boot).

Maybe if I try pulling on the torch on the wall, it will open up a secret doorway or something…

Good for you, Joe. Now how about pulling on the non-sentient torch like I asked you to, you fucking lemon.


Can a jail cell really be “stupid”? Is it really fair to judge a inanimate object by it’s lack of intelligence?


“Look at that shelving unit, the moronic bastard. Sitting there, thinking that it’s so much better than the rest of us. The cheeky shit.”


Okay, I take it back. That thing is pretty fucking stupid.

I decide to talk to the crazy looking sod in the corner…

Um, Joe. Do you not remember? Bud and Skip already explained to you that they rape men.


See. Told you.

Joe asks whether he’s in any danger of being killed…





The return of Joe “adorably sexist” King!


“Aye, I’ve got another one down me pants, laddie. Would you care to slip your hand down there and try it on for size?”


It’s incredibly tempting to choose the last dialogue option but in the interest of finishing this let’s play sometime before I die, I decide to go for the first option.


States the old man.

Replies Joe.


Interrupts Crocodile Dundee, before going back to not having a career anymore.


The old man offers Joe his puppet with a stick baseball bat.


Not this again. For Christ’s sake! Just take the fucking thing, you dingle berry.


Yes, take it. It’s sure to be useful at some point considering that this is an adventure game. If someone offers you a punch in the face in an adventure game; you best accept it!


Don’t even start, you walking bucket of bile.


TAKE IT!


There’s only one stupid thing here, Joe and that’s you.


TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT. FUCKING TAKE THE BLOODY THING ALREADY.


I don’t particularly want to play an adventure game where I get to control a characterless simpleton like you either but needs must. NOW TAKE THE BASTARD BAT, YOU MASSIVE TIT!


Exactly! How dare you hurt the batshit crazy old git who smells of piss’ feelings, you insensitive asshole.



Finally! The next time you do that, I’m wiping your sorry artificial ass from my hard drive. Let that be a warning to you.


Oh great, look who’s here. It’s little miss prissy knickers. Whoop de do.


If you want to find help for yourself then why don’t you book yourself into a shrink, you self-absorbed bitch!




Yes. Yes, they really are Amazonian women, Joe. Let’s settle this thing right now; what is it that you can’t grasp about women living in the Amazon? Why is an easy to grasp fact so difficult for you to comprehend?

I mean did you get a book for your birthday as a kid called ‘Mythical Creatures of the Ages’ or something? Had that book got melded together with pages from another book titled ‘Women of the Amazon’ due to some freak mishap at the publishers factory?

I just don’t get you, Joe. You’re a bloody imbecile and if I have to listen to you harping on with amazement every time you see or hear about an Amazonian women again, then I’m going to pick up my computer and chuck it (and thus you) out of the God damned window.

You stupid, dumbass, ignorant, poorly written son of a bitch. I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!


I do apologise, folks. Normal service has now been resumed.


And I’d like to see them just as soon as I’m done rubbing your nips with my mouse cursor.


Hmm. I could swear that I’ve seen this woman somewhere before…

Ah, the recycling of sprites. Lazy developers everywhere, I hate salute you.


Ms. “I fully endorse recycling” informs me that the evil Dr. Fruitloop has kidnapped their tribe’s Princess. That’s the third person/bird who’s told me, following on from the parrot and Trader Slob.

Did the developers figure that players would suffer from short term memory loss or something? I know that my mission is to put a stop to Dr. Fruitloop and to save the Princess. I really don’t need to be reminded of the fact by every other person (and animal) I come across. The next animal I come across will probably remind me to wipe my own ass!


“Remember; always wipe front to back, Joe.”



The main one being that you’re quite handy when it comes to D.I.Y. because you’re a complete and utter tool. Joe agrees to help the tribe by… yadda yadda yadda, fruitloop, blah, blah, blah princess… and off he goes.


Joe exits to the pool area of the temple and immediately starts leering at the ladies.


“Awight darlin’. Wanna see my love stick? It’s nine and a half pixels long."


Oh stop it, you dirt merchant!


The less said about your appalling chauvinistic attitude the better I think.

LOOK AT WATER

How can the water be full?!


Oh no, not the naked lady taking a shower! Come one man, have some respect.


No you’re not.


That’s not going to stop a complete wanker young buck like Joe, right fellows?


Great it’s Asshole Simulator ’95 and Rapist Simulator ’95 available together in a double pack for the first ever time! Little Jimmy will be pleased when he unwraps that present from under the Christmas tree.


Because. They. Are. Locked. In. The. Dungeon. As. Has. Already. Been. Established. You. Muppet.

Still, the showering Amazonian decides to hold off slapping Joe for a while and instead explains to him why their tribe doesn’t let men walk around the temple freely…
















I leave the temple (noticing that the entrance to the secret temple has been left wide open) and head out to give the orchid to Trader Slob because I have a great memory and distinctly remember him saying he needed to find a present for Naomi.


Shut up!


In return for the orchid, Trader Slob gives me a net.

I attempt to be cheeky by grabbing another net but to no avail…



There’s no need for ‘Take That’, period.

I head off to use the net to grab the bottle of perfume floating in the piranha infested waters…



“Oi, where’s our shrubbery?”
I also make use of the net by capturing the beetle…



I hand the perfume over to Naomi.


He sure is. Also, black is white and Hitler was an absolute darling.


Well, whoopee-shit.






Here I am, giving a sloth a haircut.


Definition of 'Exciting' - Causing excitement, stirring, stimulating, Giving a three-toed sloth a perm.


Not long ago, Joe was asking the missionary whether a sloth was a human. Now he’s suddenly David fucking Attenborough!

Now that I have the necessary ingredients for the potion (hair of a sloth and wasps), I make my way back to the Bitch Doctor...

Yeahhhh… I wouldn’t point the nuzzle of that vacuum at her, Joe. There’s around 50 seriously cheesed off wasps in there right now.


Great, I’m so very, very happy. Let’s all celebrate like it’s 1999 again. I’ll crack open a bottle of bubbly. At last, Bud’s knob-rot can be cured. Huzzah!

The Bitch Doctor starts mixing together the lotion and chanting…

I don’t even want to know what that is!


I take the lotion to Bud and attempt to hand it to him but it won’t work for some reason, so I try taking to him…

Only to find that the game has glitched and it doesn’t remember me already having talked to these two before, So I wade through the exact same conversation for the second time in a single playthrough…







It also means having to listen to this line again…

GAHHHHHHH!!!!


Having entered the Twilight Zone and come back through the other side, I hand Bud the lotion…

"Now let’s never speak of this again."


Great, I can go and buy myself an adventure game that’s actually halfway decent.


Well, that’s it for Part 5.

[Darth Marsden]

Awesomely awesome as always.

[Alcoremortis]

Can you die in this adventure game? I'm starting to feel that Joe needs an... accident to happen to him soon. Maybe then you'll get to play a new character who is actually halfway decent (not likely, but hope springs eternal).

[Secret Fawful]

Joe isn't wrong. Amazonian women don't exist. Those lying [bleep] are obviously frauds.