Let's Play... Simon the Sorcerer 3D

[coolsome]

Simon is my new fave video game character.

[Darth Marsden]

Hey guys. Bad news.

Unfortunately, my PC has just died. Hopefully I can get it repared, but if not, then I'll have to get a new one. Gah.

Either way, I'm going to be offline for a while, and as such will not be able to continue with this Let's Play until I'm back. Which is a pain in the arse, as I was really enjoying sharing my pain, but that's life, I guess.

So, uh, yeah. Hope to be back soon.

[Syd]

Simon probably killed it. He already kills everything else he gets remotely close to.

Seriously, though, that sucks. Hopefully it'll be an easy fix and your computer will be back up and running soon.

[Darth Marsden]

OK, so apparently my PC's working now. Huh.

Ah, whatever. Here's another update for ya.

Right. Let's head inside MucSwampys then, shall we?



And here it is. Boy, this reminds me of a few fast food places. Wait - NO IT DOESN'T. Seriously, no place in England looks anything like this. Bright white is an absolute bitch to keep clean.

*ahem*

So here we are. A room full of stuff... and the game won't let us interact with ANY of it. We can't even pick up the sachets of vinegar that Simon's looking right at. Oh well, whatever. Let's head to the back room, see if there's anything there.



...and here we are in Swampy's private office. And again, I can't interact with ANYTHING. Why fill a room full of stuff if you can't do anything with any of it?

Seriously, the only thing we can interact with is under the desk, and we have to crouch to even see it.





If we use that button, this happens:



It's a lift. So we go in it and find...



SWAMPY'S SECRET SUBTERRANEAN SWAMP!

...uh, yeah.

To the bottom of the screen is a desk full of papers. Let's have a look at that.



OK, long story short: Swampy's discovered that someone's going to destroy his beloved swamp and build houses there. He's gone to stop them with some sort of bomb.

Right. So now we know where Swampy is, let's get over there.



But oh, just as we leave...



...this guy appears thinking the place is open again.

Simon tries to tell him it's not in his usual charming manner.



So the fat guy (who's a proper wizard, unlike Simon) promptly does this:




I may be just a little bit in love with this guy.

...seriously. This is the first time Simon's had ANY form of comeuppance for his frankly appalling behaviour throughout the entire game, and not only do I highly applaud this, I want to see MORE OF IT.

So the fat wizard gets Simon to make him a burger without Sesame seeds. Unfortunately, Simon forgets to take them off, so the wizard makes him do it at the counter.



We now have those in our inventory, BTW.

...and then, just to put the icing on the cake, the fat guy does this:



Dude's not hungry any more!

I swear, it's so nice to see someone being a dick to Simon for once.

...I'm still gonna get my PC looked at, since it's clearly not particularly healthy, so there may be a few days or so without any updates. Just to warn you guys.

[WarpSpeed]

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

OK, so apparently my PC's working now. Huh.

Make a backup. Now. Or you'll have to get to that cabinet again.

[Secret Fawful]

A few days without Simon 3D?!!!

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO how will you survive.

[Darth Marsden]

Originally Posted by WarpSpeed

Make a backup. Now. Or you'll have to get to that cabinet again.

Trust me, it's pretty much the first thing I did.

Well, I've backed up the videos I recorded, anyway. I can't seem to find the savegames. Hmm...

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.

OK, so after the wizard removes the seal on Simon's mouth (aww...), we head outside. Remember, we're headed to the swamp, since that's where Swampy is.

Now, where was that map?



Right. Let's head over to the gate then.



Ah. Bugger.

(Incidentally, the left goblin rather obviously has the same voice actress as Goldilocks - it's very distracting)

So we need to get papers. Where do we get those?

...I dunno.

Turns out we need to ask this guy:



...I did introduce him, didn't I? Oh, right. Sorry. Well, this is Calypso.

So yes, in order to figure out what to do next, the game has forced us back down that incredibly long corridor. PADDING!

As you can see, he tells us to visit a forger who can do us some nice fake papers.

The problem is, he's in a Wizards-Only club, and we can't get in, since Simon isn't technically a wizard.

So let's go to the Magic Guild and register as one then.



More padding, since this hall is about 17 times bigger than it needs to be.



OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.



Yes. We had to go all the way back, AGAIN, just so Calypso can give us the go-ahead to use him as our sponser.

...and now we get to go all the way back again.

*sigh*

Now that we're in (of sorts), the guy there (who has EXACTLY the same voice as S.I.G.N. from earlier, so clearly the game needed another couple of voice actors!) rolls his magic die to see Simon's magic rating.



...dude's clearly never played D&D.

Anyway. He rolls the die again to determine what Simon's familiar is to be.



A sprite. OK. (Incidentally, since he's rolling 3 six-sided die, that high a score should be impossible, but whatever).

So where do we get a sprite?



GAAAAAAHH!!!



RIGHT. So we need to wait until night.

...



This, ladies and gentlemen, leads us to THE MOST POINTLESS PUZZLE IN THE HISTORY OF ADVENTURE GAMES.

...no. I'm not kidding. This is the most blatant shoe-horning in of a puzzle I've ever seen in all my years of playing adventure games, and as soon as you see it, I'm almost positive you'll agree.



So here's our room. It's upstairs in the inn. Simple enough, right?



But of course, once we lie down on the bed, Simon starts sneezing.



Yes, SIMON IS ALLERGIC TO POLYESTER.



Of course you can't. See, I'd have used his robes as a makeshift pillow or something, but then I guess that's why I don't make video games, isn't it.

So we have to go and find something to fill Simon's pillowcase.

MOST POINTLESS PUZZLE EVER.

Now the obvious replacement is feathers of some sort. Unfortunately the only birds I've seen are ducks at the pond we can steal money from, and Simon won't take the feathers by hand.



If we go down and talk to the barkeeper, we can now get our room cleaned, since we actually have one now. So we do that.

The barkeep mentioned a vacuum cleaner. That'd be ideal for sucking up duck feathers. Let's go nick it.



Oh. We can't go up that way while the maid's cleaning.

Now what you're SUPPOSED to do is wedge open the fire exit using the cheese we got from the guy driving down the street, then enter from outside. But fuck that!



Yep. Using the game's poor collision detection, we can actually crawl right under the barrier.

FAIL.



There's the vacuum cleaner, right outside our room. Yoink!

You can also go and try to talk to the maid, but...



Heh. Love the HOM effect behind her (it's a bit hard to see in this shot, but it's VERY apparent in motion).



...and here's me doing what I SHOULD have done in the first place. We need to leave through the fire exit anyway (we can't crawl back under the barrier), so I might as well.

Now, let's go vacuum me a duck.



...one day, Simon will have to answer for his crimes.



I will TREASURE that day. I will have it recorded so I can play it on a loop 24-7 on its own dedicated subscription-based TV.

I will make MILLIONS.



So we combine the feathers with the empty pillow case (where'd the polyester go? Ah, whatever, who cares) to get a new pillow that Simon can use.

Because that was OH SO VERY worth the effort.



Yes, because we wouldn't want Simon to be uncomfortable now, would we? Oh no.



What racket?

No, seriously. I genuinely can't hear anything. What's he talking about?

<Checks walkthrough that he has been forced to rely on countless times, though he'll never openly admit it>

The guy in the next room is snoring loudly, apparently (the game must be glitching again, because there's absolutely no sound effect to indicate this).

WELCOME TO MY WORLD, ASSHOLE. I can hear my father snoring halfway across the house. I don't know how my mother puts up with, but by god, somehow she does, and SO WILL YOU.



Oh, you're gonna make me stop him, aren't you.

*sigh*

[Syd]

"You're familiar is a sprite!" They didn't even bother to proofread the subtitles.

Simon really needs to get his comeuppance more often. It'd be more tolerable to play as him if there was plenty of pain an humiliation in Simon's future to look forward to. Alas, there isn't. He just gets away with his horrible acts far too often.

[Darth Marsden]

Ha! The lack of my PC will not prevent me from subjecting you to the torment of Simon the Sorcerer 3D!

Right. So we were going to stop the guy in the next room from snoring, right?

Well, we can't get in through the door, so let's see if there's any other ways of getting in there.



Hmm. I'm getting Broken Sword flashbacks.




Now we could have climbed out here earlier, but the other window would have been closed, making it rather pointless.

Although, that said, note that chimney on the left. That means we're right above the games room. Hmm.



Right. Now to get the guy to stop snoring. Simon suggests some sort of cattle prod (which I'd rather use on HIM), but I like to think I'm a bit less of a heartless git, so we'll use the jack to roll him onto his side.



And hey presto! Success. And nobody had to get hurt in the process!

...oh wait. The guy under the cart. We... we had to hurt him, didn't we.

...bugger.



Well, at least Simon's happy, I guess.

By the time Simon wakes up, it's night-time. So we have to head over to the same field we caught the butterflies in (*shudder*) in order to catch our sprite.

But before we do that...



...we're gonna head down to the beer cellar of the inn. (We actually could have done this during the day, I just forgot to.)



There's a bit of a block pushing puzzle here (ah! Broken Sword 3 flashbacks!), but it's not too difficult. I've actually gone the wrong way here, but it's the best view of the cellar, so there.

After we make our way through, we get to...



...a beer tap. If we turn this, then it turns off the flow of sweet, sweet alcohol to the pumps at the bar.

So that's what we do.

Then we head back upstairs and talk to the vacuum cleaner salesman again:



Good god, Simon's a douche, is he not?

Anyway, at this, the man downs his drink and asks for another.




So he goes down to sort it out. And while he's away...



...we use the kite to steal the bottle of whiskey. Remember we even had that kite? No? Good, because I didn't either.

Anyway. Now armed with alcohol (despite Simon being a minor, apparently!), we head back out to catch us a sprite.



Apparently the developers couldn't be bothered to remake BOTH maps at night, so our choice in available locations is limited somewhat. Not that it matters, since the only locations we need are the ones in green. Well, some of them. Meh.

Let's get back to the butterfly field then, shall we?



Oh. Well, this is gonna be easy, isn't it?





BANTHA POODOO!



Hey! Shut up!

...wait, who the heck are you? And where the hell did you come from?



...you mean the shack from the first video I posted that had nothing in it? Huh. Well, let's go see what's going on there now.



Yep, there they are. Can we actually get inside though?



We can. Huzzah.

Now. What follows is easily the funniest bit of the entire game. So much so that I made a video of it for all to enjoy.

(Sorry about the Windows Movie Maker intro - I did the best I could with what I had)

We then talk to the group and ask if we can have their sprite-in-a-lantern. They say no, since they're using it.

However, they do ask us for a favour...




Hmm. Well, if the 'dungeonmaster' happens to be taken suddenly ill, I guess the game would have to be abandoned... which would mean they wouldn't eed their lantern.

So, we need to go to get a pizza. Lord knows how they're going to make this complicated.

Next time: ONWARD TO THE PIZZA PLACE!

[Syd]

"Knock has a sore wrist." "He's used to it, I'm sure." I'll admit, that got a slight chuckle out of me.

[Secret Fawful]

The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

[der_ketzer]

Simon is such a hipster. He invented YOLO before it was dumb.

[Darth Marsden]

Originally Posted by Secret Fawful

The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

I've kind of gotten used to the awful graphics by this point. Somehow.

[Syd]

Originally Posted by Secret Fawful

The faces of that left goblin and that guy at the bar. Ohhhhhh man.

Both goblins have the exact same face texture, but it's just stretched for the tall one to give it the illusion of being different. Lazy lazy lazy.

[Darth Marsden]

...and we're back.

So here's the pizza place.



It's in between MucSwampys and the road where I met the cheese driver. I skipped over it earlier because it was closed, but since it's night now, it's open. So let's head on inside.



Guess what THIS guy's voice sounds like.



Uh-huh.

As an aside, there's a slight animation glitch with the guy's arms. They keep moving out slightly and then cutting back to his body. It's very distracting.

Anyway. The guy says that in order to order a pizza, we need one of these:



It's a Pizzarina. I guess that's meant to be a joke or something, but it took me so long to figure out what the joke actually was, it had long lost all comedy value.

The dude explains that you use it to call him anywhere in the world, and he'll take your order, then deliver it to you. So my first thought was that it's like a phone.

It's not.

Also:



Which is handy, since each pizza costs 10,000 groats.



I want to make fun of Simon, but to be honest, if I had that kind of money, I'd probably do the same thing.

(Well, after paying off my student loans, anyway. Doubt I'd have much left afterwards though)

So there you go. If we want a free pizza, we need to make sure it takes longer than a minute to reach us. Shouldn't be too hard, right?

Might as well head back over to the hut and order us up a pizza.



Wait a second...



PIZZARINA! OH, I GET IT NOW!

...god, that was forced.



So we can order our pizza. Please don't ask how the logistics of this works: I've absolutely no idea.

Naturally, we order one with 'the works'. We need to get rid of the 'dungeonmaster', remember?

See, now normally I'd have thought that'd be it, but then the game solves its own puzzle by asking us if we want anything else:



So naturally, I select extra cheese. Why? Well, it'll hide the anchovies, won't it? Thanks for that, game!

After telling him where we are, we then get a little cutscene showing the path the pizza takes in getting to us:









And he's made it! With seconds to spare. Bah.

Well, naturally we don't have the money (and never will - I wouldn't waste hours catching butterflies, even if my net weren't broken now), so he takes it back.

Note that he had to get directions from the S.I.G.N. Hmm. How can we take that out of commision?

...yeah, you probably guessed, especially since I had to go out of my way to get the item we need in my previous post.




This, naturally, gets the S.I.G.N. roaring drunk - and unable to give directions. So let's try the pizza thing again.













Ha! And thus, the pizza is free. Now we go inside and give it to the guys...





...and so, we can have the sprite-in-a-lantern.

I suspect this won't be the only time Simon will be exploiting someone's allergies.

*sigh*

[der_ketzer]

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

...and we're back.

Am I the only one that thinks of Rifftrax when he reads that?

[Darth Marsden]

...that's why I say it.

EDIT: Actually, check that last picture again. One of the guys gas got Gygax written on his arm, while another has it written on his shirt. Jeez, could they not think of anything else to reference?

Also: could I get a couple more posts in here so I can make my next update on a different page? Thanks.

[Secret Fawful]

HOLY SHlT THAT PIZZA GUY'S FACE

[der_ketzer]

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

Also: could I get a couple more posts in here so I can make my next update on a different page? Thanks.