My script version of Ch. 4 "I wonder what happens..."

[jfen005]

Hey guys and gals,

Whilst we are all patiently waiting for Chapter 4’s release, I wrote a script for ToMI, similar to Majus’ “I wonder what happens…” series, spoofing the American courtroom show 'Judge Judy'.

Have a go at it, and tell me what you think of it.

Hope all of you will like it.

Happy reading.

I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS IN…
CHAPTER 4: THE TRIAL AND EXECUTION OF GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD


Morgan brings Guybrush back to the shores of Flotsam. A group of guards approach Guybrush.

HEAD GUARD:
There he is. Move it.

VAN WINSLOW:
Hm?

Van Winslow notices the guards and runs away scared.

VAN WINSLOW (shrieking like a little girl):
AAGGHHHH!

HEAD GUARD:
Forget the queer one. The Marquis wants him.

GUYBRUSH (still unconscious from Morgan's hit on the head):
I'm Bobbin. Are you my mother?

HEAD GUARD:
We’ve been waiting for you, Threepwood! You are under arrest by decree of the Marquis De Singe and shall be trialed by none other than Judge Julie herself!

Guard hands over Morgan her pirate reward and Guybrush is sent off to jail.

HEAD GUARD:
Thank you Miss Le Flay.

VAN WINSLOW (hiding behind a tree nearby, whispering):
Don’t you worry at all, sir! I’ll manage to save you before you know it!

The following day: The court case opens.

JUDGE JULIE:
…property damage, invasion of privacy, jay-walking in the streets. You are saying the defendant did all of this and more! Correct? Mr - er?

DE SINGE:
Marquis De Singe. Delectable petit fromage frais. Former physician of King Louis. Also Ph.D., W.C. and Y.M.C--

Judge Julie throws her gavel at the Marquis’ head.

JUDGE JULIE:
Put the period on it, fairy cake! (To Guybrush) Now, onwards to the defendant. Hmm... yeesss. Your face looks familiar. By any chance, does your name begin with an ‘A’?

GUYBRUSH:
No.

JUDGE JULIE:
A ‘B’?

GUYBRUSH:
No.

JUDGE JULIE:
C? D? E, F, G-

GUYBRUSH:
G! Guybrush! My name’s Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate!

JUDGE JULIE:
Is your name Guybrush?

GUYBRUSH:
Wow! Incredible. You’re just as good as the Voodoo Lady!

JUDGE JULIE:
And what do you do for a living, sir?

GUYBRUSH:
Err…

JUDGE JULIE:
“Err…” is not an answer! What kind of sword master training did you need to say “Err…”?

DE SINGE:
Your Honour…

JUDGE JULIE:
Quiet you! I’m speaking. When my mouth moves, yours stops. Get it? (To Guybrush) Now, Mr. Threepwood. It seems there is no one representing you. Since you look like you’d rather have spent your pillaging on a brain implant, I’ll commence to give the sentence…

GUYBRUSH:
Darn…

DE SINGE:
Excellent! When there’s only one sentence, there’s only one…

Court room doors spring wide open all of a sudden.

STAN:
CHOICE! Well, hell-oo there! I shall represent Mr. Threepwood, if you don’t mind! The name’s Stan, your Honour, of Stan’s Previously-Owned Defence Cases! When I read about this case in the Flotsam Times, I knew I would be needed around here… that is, for an adequate price… I’ve even won cases of pirate panty-raids, high-definition sea battles, huge man-eating yellow bellied-sea-dogs, scurvy-infested parrots, and of course, malfunctioned voodoo dolls! (To Guybrush) You have plenty of time to think about it, son? (Booming voice) …OR DO YOU?!

GUYBRUSH:
Oh, boy. Very well…

JUDGE JULIE:
And what are your qualifications?

STAN:
You want qualifications? I’ve got them coming right up from north, south, east and west of the Caribbean! (Opens briefcase and starts taking out certificates and stuff) Well, I’ve got an S.A.T, a CD-ROM, an F.A.Q, a B.L.T (eats sandwich), a T.N.T (throws it out of the window and explodes, cats screeching), and allow me to say you are one sexy MILF! Mmm-mmm. You want it, and I got it!

Stan gives a big, reassuring grin (teeth sparkling) and winks at the judge.

DE SINGE:
Hmpf! Preposterous, Your Honour! I think-

JUDGE JULIE:
I don't care what you think! I'm the one who has to determine what is fair. (To Stan) Very well, handsome, you shall be the defence. (To De Singe) Begin Mr. De Singe. And keep it brief!

DE SINGE:
*gulp* Your Honour, Mousier Threepwood has ignored the intended capturing for le science, resulting in committing numerous violations to thereby-

JUDGE JULIE (banging gavel several times):
In English, fancy pants!

DE SINGE:
He is a danger to the public! Look at all his wrongdoings he committed over these years! He needs to be locked up so no more harm can be done!

JUDGE JULIE:
Prove it!

DE SINGE:
Allow me to demonstrate.

STAN (ala Phoenix Wright):
OBJECTION! I say, objection, your Honour! Ha! I’ve always wanted to say that!

JUDGE JULIE:
Overruled! Continue Mr. De Singe.

DE SINGE (to guard near door):
Bring in Exhibit A!

GUARD (shouting to the outside):
Bring in Exhibit A!

DE SINGE:
Well, your Honour, we found this peculiar looking treasure chest only yesterday on the shores of Flotsam. I can’t make out what’s inside it, but it’s been calling out Mousier Threepwood’s name ever since.

VOICE FROM CHEST (as guard brings the chest to the judge):
Let me hear you scream in terror, Guybrush Threepwood, for I am in need of some bones to aid me in my plans to conquer the world! Muahahahaha!

JUDGE JULIE:
What in the name of Blackbeard’s ghost is in that thing?

GUYBRUSH (now realizing who really is in that chest):
OH NO! It can’t be! Don’t open that chest!

The treasure chest is placed in front of the judge and De Singe opens it.
Music of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face begins playing in the background.

MURRAY:
BOO!

DE SINGE:
AHHHHH! Sacré bleu!

MURRAY:
Bwahahahaha!
Bwahahahaha!
Bwahahahaha! (Hit it!)
Bwahahahaha!
Bwahahahaha!

MURRAY:
My name is Murray, the mighty demonic skull!
I'm as fearsome as a doorstop! The harbinger of your doom!
You told me I'd look great with a candle on my head.
So I bring you warnin' for you chose that iron instead!

GUYBRUSH: (faking to be scared)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh.
I'm petrified. It can't be denied.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh.
I'm petrified. It can't be denied.

Van Winslow can be seen dancing in the background, dressed as Lady Gaga with a wig and all.

MURRAY:
How could you-?
How could you-?
How could you choose that anchor piece?
(Darkness will envelop you).
How could you-?
How could you-?
How could you choose that anchor piece?
(Darkness will envelop you).

MURRAY:
A-a-a-anchor piece, a-a-anchor piece.
A-a-a-anchor piece, a-a-anchor piece.

JUDGE JULIE:
Cut the rap, cue ball!

Music abruptly stops.

MURRAY:
Hey! What gives?!

JUDGE JULIE:
This is my courtroom and I can say what I want. When you become a judge, we will talk.

MURRAY (trying to chat up the Judge Julie):
Hey babe. Are you wearing space pants because your behind is totally out of this world?

JUDGE JULIE (pissed off and angry):
You, sir, are a low-life, amoral piece of crap! You're going to keep your mouth shut until I come to you and ask you a question; otherwise, Meekins will take you outside until you understand the rules. Because here, I'm in charge... I run this episode. Do you understand? You don't speak until I speak to you.

MURRAY:
Talk to the hand, doll face!

JUDGE JULIE:
Which hand?! Ridiculous! NEXT!

Guard grabs hold of Murray, puts him back into the chest, closes it and carries it away.

MURRAY (inside chest):
NOOOO!! Fear me mortals, for I shall once again return! Muahahahaha!

JUDGE JULIE:
Mr. De Singe. Bring me one more witness like this creep again and I’ll wipe the floor with you! Do we follow each other?

STAN:
Your Honour, the plaintiff obviously isn’t getting at nowhere. You have to be soggy in the head to continue listening to what this douche bag is actually saying. All of this is just one big misunderstanding. What really needs to be considered is the other side of the mirror. Take this for example: is this mug of grog half-empty or half-full?

JUDGE JULIE:
What?

STAN:
You heard me, sister. This question has been troubling mankind for a while now, and I found the one solution. Throw the mug against the floor, and then have no mug at all! Actually, if you look at the mug as half-empty or half-full, the grog is still halfway in the mug. I personally choose not to use the mug and use one of my own prefabricated Stan’s Grog-In-A-Bottle instead, so I don’t have to worry about it. (Only 100 pieces of eight per customer, while supplies last. Void where prohibited by the anti-alcoholics league.) It's not a perfect solution, but it works... sometimes.

JUDGE JULIE:
Just a second!

GUYBRUSH:
ZZzzzz…

STAN:
Once in the blue moon, I hear you say? Hmmm… and what if the moon was made out of green cheese? Okay, it may be lousy solution but the same question arises. And then I went back to the mug and came up with another solution to the problem. It's just grog in a mug, ladies and gentlemen, neither half-full nor half-empty, but just sitting halfway in the mug, ready to be emptied or poured into, depending on your view of life at the time.

JUDGE JULIE:
What school of double-talk did you go to?

DE SINGE:
Oooh! That’s it! Out of the way, fancy boy! I’ve had enough of playing Mr. Nice Guy here! I’ve saved this for later. But I’m done with you, buster! (To guard) Bring them all in, at once!

De Singe has summed a few witnesses whom Guybrush has wronged in his past adventures.

GRISWOLD GOODSOUP:
He tricked me in believing he’s one of the family!

PIRATES OF LOW MORAL FIBER:
He pinched our rat!

JOJO JR.:
He let my father die of starvation!

CAPTAIN ROTTINGHAM:
He placed lice on my perfectly cut coif!

GAFFER CRIMPDIGIT:
He destroyed all my glass unicorns!

PEGNOSE PETE:
He assaulted me with a duck!

HEMLOCK McGEE:
He threw me out of Club 41!

KING ANDRE:
He ran away with my Goodsoup family diamond!

LARGO:
He stole my pearly white brassier!

MORT:
He scared the heck out of me!

HELLBEARD:
He snatched my hand puppets!

KENNY FALMOUTH:
He wrecked my lemonade business!

D’ORO:
He made me dig up a fake Dark Ninja Dave!

LEMONHEAD:
He fed cheese to our lactose intolerant volcano god!

TONY DIBOULDA:
He tinkered with my catapult!

CAPTAIN BLONDEBEARD:
He snagged my golden tooth!

KATE CAPSIZE:
He left me rotting in that jail cell back on Phatt Island!

McGILLICUTTY:
He sunk my ship!

SANTIAGO AND CASTANEDA:
He messed up our chess game!

WALLY:
He abandoned me at the Carnival of the Damned!

MISS RIVERS:
He alarmed my school!

SLAPPY CROMWELL:
He ruined my ‘Speare!

HERMAN TOOTHROT:
He made me become Governor of Melee Island!

VAN WINSLOW:
He did not point enough at my map!

GUYBRUSH:
Van Winslow?! You’re not helping out like that!

VAN WINSLOW:
Oops! Heh-heh! Sorry about that, sir! I-I-I must’ve got carried away.

Stan’s jaw gets wide open in astonishment.

JUDGE JULIE (banging her gavel):
I’ve heard enough! Guybrush Threepwood, I hereby sentence you to kiss…

GUYBRUSH:
HA! Everyone says what a smoocher I am!

JUDGE JULIE:
…your sorry hide goodbye, ‘cause you’re going to be hung to death at sundown tomorrow!

GUYBRUSH:
Mother!

STAN:
Heh-heh. Gotta run! Thanks everyone! Good night, and good luck!


THE END

[Majus]

Hehe, glad that you released it. As I said, I like it!

[wavefunction]

Of course you like it. It's a complete ripoff from I wonder what happens series.

[BeeKay84]

He, he, except for the Lady Gaga impression, that was quite amusing. I especially liked these few lines:

Originally Posted by jfen005

HERMAN TOOTHROT:
He made me become Governor of Melee Island!

VAN WINSLOW:
He did not point enough at my map!

GUYBRUSH:
Van Winslow?! You’re not helping out like that!

VAN WINSLOW:
Oops! Heh-heh! Sorry about that, sir! I-I-I must’ve got carried away.

[guimero64]

Really good!!!

[pluizig]

I stopped reading at Lady Gaga.

[jfen005]

Thanks for all the comments... to all those who appreciated it, that is.