I transcribed all the cutscenes I could find. Each scene is in its own set of spoiler tags, so anyone who hasn't finished the game yet can look at them as they go through if they need to. Couldn't remember the name of Meeks' weaselly little sidekick, so I just called him Vincent.
Hope it's helpful for you guys.
[helicopter and sirens]
Sniper: Come on, come on, where are you.
[shoots old lady]
Sniper: Oh my god. SORRY!
Policeman with megaphone: Er...
[gets shot in head]
Vincent: Oh dear.
Meeks: Ugh... good lord, not another one. Who was it this time? Whittingsworth?
Vincent: Boggins, sir.
[demolition man gets ready to press his detonator]
Meeks: Not you, figure of speech.
Terrorist: Idiots! You're trying my patience. Let me speak to someone who can get things done! Someone who will speak to me politely and treat me with respect! The next voice I hear had better be courteous and pleasant, or I'll kill every last one of you stinking coppers!
Vincent: Sir if you will, I would suggest Detective Inspector Hector. His people skills are ideal to ensure this situation be settled amicably.
Meeks: Hector? The obnoxious, troublemaking alcoholic?
Vincent: I'm sure he'd consider it a pleasure, sir.
Lambert: Oh don't make me go out there sir, I told Philomena I'd make it home by six tonight. Alive. Hahaha.
Meeks: We need Hector. Where is he?
Lambert: Oh, right sir. Ah, he's um, well he's likely off solving one of the violent and atrocious murders Clapper's Wreake is so famous for.
Meeks: Well he's your partner, find him and bring him down here to deal with this shambles swiftly.
Lambert: Hector sir... are you sure?
Meeks: Yes, for god's sake! Get me- desk!
[desk rolls in]
Meeks: Get me Hector!
PHONE CALL (just after you exit the cell)
Hector: Ah, maybe happy hour's been brought forward.
[picks up phone]
Lambert: Oh thank goodness boss, I've been trying to reach you for ages. We've got a situation down at Nuttage. Some psycho's gone hostile on us, he's already topped 11 of our best negotiators!
Hector: Oh christ, another bleeding nutjob. It's not that Judith Fisher again is it? I already told her, domestic disputes do not ALWAYS need to be settled with a sniper rifle.
Lambert: No no, it's not her. Just get the car and get over here now, before this gets out of hand!
Lambert: Oh my god, we just lost another one!
Hector: Well I guess my mid-morning nap will have to wait.
BUSKER CUTSCENE (seen from top of the clock tower)
Busker: Any requests?
Chav: Papa's got a brand new bag.
Blind Ali: Here's to our health.
Blind Ali: So, tell me about yourself.
BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE (of porn)
Hector: Brings a tear to my eye. Must be the asbestos.
Hector: What's the count up to now?
Hector: All right crotch stain, I've done everything on your list. If you let them go now, I can still make the lunch special at the Broken Arms.
Terrorist: Hah. You think that's all? Town's fixed now, is it? You do a little spring cleaning and we all just go home, is that it?
Hector: Oh, here we go.
Terrorist: Oh, no no no, I have much bigger plans for this town. You were so proficient at completing my first list of demands, I have a whole set of new ones for you. Now write this down:
- Number four. Clean the dead sheep out of the public fountain.
- Number five. Have the [something] in the town square spell out at least three of the ten commandments.
- Number six...
Pizza-carrying policeman: Food for the hostages has arrived.
Hector: What toppings?
Pizza-carrying policeman: Uh, mushroom, sweetcorn, pepperoni.
Hector: I'd like to offer myself in trade for the hostages.
[Hector walks towards the building]
Hector: Testing the pizza as I approach the building slowly and deliberately.
Lambert: Did you place the bug in the pizza?
[Hector rings doorbell]
Hector: I feel like I'm about to star in a really bad porno.
Lambert: I'm picking up something.
Hector: Bah! Bloody stairs.
[flips light switch]
Hector: What in the holy living toss?? ... Ballbags.
Terrorist: Should have stayed outside with the rest of the imbeciles. Hahahahaha. Looks like this pizza party's over... for you. Good people of the Clapper's Wreake police service, thank you for your time.