Funny Amazon.com Reviews

[St_Eddie]

Funny Amazon.com Reviews

If you trawl through the user reviews on Amazon.com (and it's sister sites), you may come across some hilarious reviews. This is a thread to post the funniest user reviews that you can find!

Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml

5 out of 5 Stars - ' DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS'
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross (TV Presenter)

5 out of 5 Stars - '20 inches of total nirvana'
I've been looking for a 20 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross since my (completely inferior) 18 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross was damaged during a Barium Enema. Thankfully this Canvass really is excellent. The quality of print complements the sheer majesty of Paul's cherubic face.

For a while I considered mounting a large number of these on my ceiling to create a Paul Ross canvass ceiling but unfortunately I realised that this is what my wife would be staring at during our frenzied horizontal moments, and what kind of a man can compare to Paul Ross in the bedroom? "No-one" I hear you cry!

I've ordered four of these now:
One of them is above the fireplace and is naturally the pride of our entire home.
On the second canvass I've cut out the section where Paul's face is, and when I drive to pick up the kids I wear the canvass and pretend that I'm a famous celebrity dad, the kids simply love it.
The third is purely for recreational purposes, I've cut a whole where Paul's mouth would be because my wife has demanded that we French kiss through the hole (I want to point out that I wear the canvass for kissing, not her! Although I'd gladly turn for just one of Paul's tender mouth hugs.)
The fourth is a backup.

5 out of 5 Stars - 'Alcoholic'
Yesterday I was a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future.
Then I bought this.
Now I'm a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future, but with a 20" Canvas of Paul Ross.
You just never know what lies around the corner.

5 out of 5 Stars - 'Best in class'
If you only buy one 20 inch canvas print of Paul Ross this year, this is the one to get.

5 out of 5 Stars - 'My reason to live'
I purchased this wondrous print almost 2 years ago & it means more to me than you can ever imagine.

In fact I recently had a horrific house fire & only had time to save 2 things - I chose this & one of the twins!

1 out 5 Stars - 'It's a swindle!'
I recently purchased this poster, and while it's lifelike, well made and had a certain, portly charm to it, I have since found out that it's actually *cheaper* to hire Paul Ross to come over and stand against a wall, whenever you feel the need to look at him.

Cat-Genie Self Washing, Self Flushing Cat Box

2 out of 5 Stars - 'An expensive way to smell poo'
Cat Genie takes the small unpleasantness of daily cleaning the litter and it saves it up and releases that unpleasantness as one big unscheduled, unpleasant inconvenience every week or two. Advanced monitors will ensure that the device failure will occur during the workday, as you prepare for your important meeting with your prospective client. Nothing like cleaning out wet cat poo in your nicest suit. Or, you may be pleasantly awoken in the middle of the night by the repeating three beeps of "there's poo and hair in the hopper." You will become more familiar with your cat's feces every day as the cat genie gently fills your home with the aroma of baking excrement. Plus, you get to pay over $300 for technology that was "designed" and built for less than $2. The "processor" unit was designed in 1967 and allows all the functionality of the most advanced microchip devices of its era. It has both on and off modes. (Note: off mode available only while unplugged.)

Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk

5 out of 5 Stars - 'Makes a boring drive easier'
You wouldn't believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window! I'm using it right now to post this review and I never

Animal House Monkey Peeler

5 out of 5 Stars - 'Please Help'
I tried to use this product to peel my monkey, but i couldn't get it to sit still. Do I need to wait until the monkey is sleeping first? Please Help!

[RAnthonyMahan]

Identifying Wood

It's Wood! April 30, 2008
By A. Osborn
Format:Hardcover
My whole life I've been asking myself the same questions. What is my bed made out of? What are those things in the forest? What fuels fire?

This book answers ALL of those questions and more! The answer....WOOD! THOSE THINGS ARE MADE OF WOOD! Life finally makes sense thanks to this book. It will take you to a new level of enlightenment.

[Alcoremortis]

Uranium Ore

Originally Posted by 5 out of 5 stars - 'So glad I don't have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore.'

I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn't sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.

Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people's privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

Originally Posted by 4 out of 5 stars - 'Ok for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants...'

Picked this up for use in one of my kid's 'diversity' projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you're supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!

Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.

And the darn trash man refuses to take them away..

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.

Originally Posted by 3 out of 5 stars - 'Great Product, Poor Packaging'

I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

Originally Posted by 1 out of 5 stars - 'Nyet!'

I no recommend this product for mad scientist, evil overlord, enemy's of James Bonds or little girls. Is too expensive and too small for building even small nuclear device much less power global death beam. I have brother Pavel that sell three times as much for half price. Come to Minsk and go to "Lenin's Tomb" bar in the east side of town, talk to Boris the bartender and tell him the password "Borscht", he will let you in basement. Walk to second freezer, inside is Pavel's office. Cash only.

[der_ketzer]

3B Scientific W43014 Testicle Self Exam Form

It's A Bag Fulla Fun!
I certainly can't find a better way to spend a hundred and sixty five bucks than on a rubber scrotum. Hell, at that price they're practically giving them away! You'd have to be NUTS not to buy one! Now I can take a break from squeezing my own scrotum constantly and give the little bugger a breather. Take the plunge folks, coz you're sure to have a BALL with it!


Also: look at the user pictures!


UFO detector

I Told You!!!
So. How do you like that?
I am so tired of the looks and stupid questions. "Gee Grandpa, did they anally probe you?" Sure, keep laughing. It's all fun and games until they show up at your house. Let me tell you something else, TIN FOIL DOES NOT WORK. I don't care what your reptilian friends told you. It does not affect the subtle cloaking radiation that makes him appear human.

Sorry, I got side tracked from the review.

This amazing device gives ample warning and is HIGHLY ACCURATE. I had a pretty good idea of when there was abnormal activity in my area. BUT NOW, DAMN. Every time that I notice distorted sensory emissions, bang, the detector is going off! WOOT WOOT WOOT!

Last Tuesday, it was raining and I admit that it is much more difficult for me to hone in on the parapsychotical wave lengths in precipitation. The detector starts going "WOOT WOOT WOOT!" I reach for my divining rod (don't laugh, Johnny Mnemonic says, "go low tech.") and my proton pack. Sure enough, one of those b*stards was right in my living room!

Every day, I am thankful to own this piece of technology. Get yours soon.