The Game Review Thread

[ryannumber1gamer]

Hey everyone, This is a thread where anyone can make game reviews. It can just be written on a post in this thread or it can be on a blog or it can be a video on Youtube. Anyway have fun

[Darth Marsden]

I'd like to kick off this thread with a review of the Twilight movie.

...

Ahem.

...

It fucking sucks.

...

That is all.

EDIT: Oh all right.

The Twilight movie baffles me. It's one of the most appalling bad films I've ever seen, with so many amateurish mistakes made during its creation, and yet it's become amazingly popular. It's a genuine mystery how so many people can like it.

The plot, for lack of a better word, is so weak it defies logic. Girl moves to backwater town, falls in love with boy, boy turns out to be vampire, vampire has family, everyone's cool with everything, random threat dealt with in about 5 minutes, girl wants to be vampire so she can be with boy forever. And while that may seem like it's interesting, they somehow manage to not only pad this out to over two hours, but they also manage to lose any sense of pacing.

There's no transitional phases to show that these events take place over a great span of time, and as a result everything seems to occur within the space of a week. It's incredibly disturbing to see the girl meet the boy and then, with seemingly little interaction between the two, suddenly declare that she's in love with him and blindly accept that he's a vampire. Who sparkles.

Which brings me on to the effects, which are uniformly awful. There are three main types of effects. One being when the vampires are seen during the day - they sparkle rather then burn to a crisp as per every other vampire movie ever, and the CG-work for this is shockingly silly. The second is when the vampires run or climb things - it's amazingly obvious that the actors are on wires and just mimicking the actions they should be taking, and brings to mind comedy skits more than anything else. The third is when the vampires leap through the air and attack each other - the jumps more like the actors are simply gliding through the air in awkward poses. It's impossible to take anyone seriously when the average internet reviewer is capable of doing better effects than a fully-financed feature film.

And what film would be complete without actors? This one apparently, because there are none. There's a bunch of models hanging around, but there doesn't appear to be anyone with any actual acting abilities. Half the time the models leave long pauses in between their dialogues that just looks like they forgot their next line, and when they're actually required to deliver anything resembling a performance they turn into robots, giving stilted, emotionless readings that would bore even the most forgiving acting coach.

The whole film is one long cure for insomnia, because nothing about it is even remotely entertaining. There is nothing good about this film, save that it gathers together all the people who like it into one place, which makes it easier for us sane people to blow them to bits. This is one of the most uninspired, lazy and pointless films I have ever witnessed. 2/10, and the only reason it's got that high a mark is because of the soundtrack, which is far and away the best thing about this movie. Not that you'd know, because there's hardly any music playing though the film. Pretty much a failure all round.

[ryannumber1gamer]

Originally Posted by Darth Marsden

I'd like to kick off this thread with a review of the Twilight movie.

...

Ahem.

...

It fucking sucks.

...

That is all.

Ok that was a pretty much sums it up but it's a game review thread...I don't know if this should be a game review thread or just a reviewing thread.

[coolsome]

I'd like to kick off this thread with a review of Twilight the Game.

...

Ahem.

...

It fucking sucks.

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That is all.

[RetroVortex]

I'd like to kick off with a review of this thread...

...it kinda blows really.

It's pretty redundant and the content is irrelevant and lacking.


0/10

[Darth Marsden]

Oh, it's for game reviews? Shit. How'd I miss that? And I spent like 15 minutes on that review and everything!

[coolsome]

Originally Posted by RetroVortex

I'd like to kick off with a review of this thread...

...it kinda blows really.

It's pretty redundant and the content is irrelevant and lacking.


0/10

Il review your post It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.

[RetroVortex]

Originally Posted by coolsome

Il review your post It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.

I can see why this reply is critically acclaimed!

[Darth Marsden]

I was actually working on a review for A Vampyre Story a couple months back before I got bored and did something more interesting, like cutting my toenails or something. I've just gone back and finished it, so here it is:

A Vampyre Story

Let it never be said that I am unwilling to give games a chance to impress me. I am more than willing to try games of a wide variety of genres, and adventure games are no exception. But when I no longer want to play after an hour for countless reasons, then you’re not going to be looking at a good write-up.

Enter A Vampyre Story.

Brought to us from Bill Tiller, an ex-LucasArts developer, the story behind A Vampyre’s Tale revolves around Mona, a wannabe Opera singer unknowingly turned into a vampire. With her token ‘funny’ sidekick, she attempts to escape the castle she’s been imprisoned in and follow her dreams.

The first, and probably biggest, problem with the game is that the voice actress for Mona is incredibly annoying. A French accent is never easy to do, even at the best of times, and this is as far from the best as can be. In fact, all of the voicework is annoying, which makes the whole game particularly frustrating to play through, but it’s definitely Mona, being the lead character, who sticks in the mind most.

The second issue is the dialogue. Aside from the fact that there’s far, far too much of it, it’s all rather clumsily written. Given that it’s an adventure game, dialogue is a key element, and for the game to have so much bad writing coming from the characters is a massive problem. The humour is never funny, the banter goes on way too long, the descriptions are much too detailed and you’ll end up just skipping most of the flavour text, which is a really bad sign.

Another issue is that the art design, while beautiful to look at, makes it rather hard to see a lot of essential items, such as banners and hanging swords, most of which has a very frustrating habit of blending into the backgrounds. It adds an artificial level of difficulty to the game – or would, if there weren't the option to highlight all the interactive hotspots by holding the Tab key, a feature you will be using frequently.

There are positives though, and it would be remiss of me not to mention them. The inventory system features a ‘remembrance’ system where Mona won’t actually pick up large objects but simply remember where they are, going back and getting them when you use an icon from your inventory representing them. It’s an idea that’s long been needed in adventure games, and it’s a most welcome feature.

The puzzles themselves are also interesting, if nothing else. Unfortunately, they’re also rather complicated, and you need to jump onto the developer’s slightly twisted train of logic to have any hope of solving them. It’s not a problem solely restricted to this game – it’s endemic of the ‘comedy adventure’ genre – but some of the bizarre conundrums here will leave you stuck for ages until you give up and look up the answers online, which I don’t feel is a positive step.

There’s potential here, but unfortunately it’s buried beneath a ton of odd design choices and a frankly terrible choice of VAs. It’s not too difficult to see why this planned opener for a trilogy never got its second game, because based on this one, it wouldn’t have been much fun at all.

[Ribs]

... Isn't this very nearly the same exact thing as the What are you currently playing thread?

[Vainamoinen]

Ohhhh and the "Rate the last game you finished thread" with a vengeance.

[ParadoxalMindElla1]

I downloaded a Neighbors from hell bundle from GOG ^_^

I'll review the first game.

It's freaking hilarious! And addicting! I can't believe that JoWood bankrupted despite the games' awesomeness...

Gameplay is really simple and relaxing at first, until you get access to more rooms and until your lovely neighbor gets some pets. Things get very complicated then, and that's really good.

Sometimes it's hard to find all objects you can use to trick your neighbor, and you lose some valuable time while searching for them. Also there are more than a few times you can't chain neighbor's tantrums because he cools off quickly, and you lose points. Then you have to replay the level again, and few more times if necessary, which can frustrate you quickly. Luckily, constant funny moments and (evil) grins you do and see with your neighbor makes you forget that.

This game is awesome. Even one of the best I played in a long, long time...

(Now I want to play Slender man. Where can I get it? )

[Chyron8472]

been trying out various of the current PS+ free games.

NFL Blitz: reminds me of the frustrations I had with this in the video arcade. While on defense, your selected player has no AI. With a Madden game, if you didn't touch the thumb stick, your selected player's AI would take over until you did so. Also, if the stats for a team says the opposing team's defense sucks and my team's offense is excellent, then they shouldn't be able to blitz through my offensive line every other play. Annoying, but not unplayable. Still--I'd rather play Madden.

King of Fighters XIII: Story Mode has WAY too much story which displays on screen way too slowly. Am I watching a digital comic book or playing a fighting game? Also, the basic fighting controls are clunky and difficult to use. Terrible. I'd much rather play Street Fighter or Soul Calibur.

Scott Pilgrim: Plays like a cross between Castle Crashers and River City Ransom. Pretty decent game. Not sure why I'd play this instead of Castle Crashers (which I already own).

Ratchet & Clank:All4One: It's built from the ground up as a mutiplayer experience with little in the way of a single-player story mode, which I wasn't prepared for.

PAC-MAN Championship DX: It's fun. It's PAC-MAN with a bit of twist and that's about it. But yeah, it's just PAC-MAN.

Renegade Ops: Fun. Fun. Fun. Good times to be had with this. I like it.

Double Dragon Neon: I've only seen a review for this as yet, but it's just a modern Double Dragon game. Another beat-em-up. Yay. =\

Bloodrayne:Betrayal: I have the God of War saga. I want Castlevania: Lords of Shadow at some point. Why do I want to play this? [EDIT:]I didn't even look into what this game was. I assumed it was a 3D hack and slash game like the original Bloodrayne, but apparently it's a 2D action platformer. So, maybe it might be okay. [/EDIT]

Outland: From what I hear, it's a platformer. With its own gimmick, I guess. So... yeah. It's probably okay.

Little Big Planet 2: from what I hear, it's as different to LBP1 as Super Mario Galaxy 2 is to Super Mario Galaxy 1--which is to say it's different but the same, except that both Mario Galaxy games really are buckets of pure win. I have LBP1, which is...okay. It's not super fantastic. So why do I need this?

Payday:The Heist: watched the IGN review. Something tells me I should buy instead of playing this.

inFamous 2: not played inFamous 1 yet and I want to, so I remain purposefully in the dark on this one.

So far, I'm not impressed with Playstation Plus.

[Jennifer]

I've been doing reviews of adventure games with monsters for my blog for Halloween:

1) The Walking Dead: Starved For Help: I loved it. The choices didn't have the same game-altering effect as episode 1, and it would have been nice to have some more freedom of exploration, but the story, voice acting, art direction, and animation were all top notch. 4½ out of 5

2) Hugo's House of Horrors. Didn't like it so much. Most of the puzzles are decent, but two are more annoying than fun. One requires you to know knowledge of older US pop culture, and the other one requires you to save and reload over and over until you just happen to get an enemy to get stuck in the right spot. The art is colorful, the characters are quirky, and the music is lively, but these two puzzles really turned me off on it. A remake would really help this one, with those two issues fixed it could be fun. But as it is, I don't recommend it. At least it's free. 2½ out of 5

3) The Walking Dead: Long Road Ahead. Loved it even more than the last one. The episodes keep getting better and better. This one had some real heart-tugging moments, the voices of the characters really conveyed the heightened tensions, the animation was better than ever, and the art style shines as usual. It also had slightly more open areas for exploration, and the action scenes were more hands-on than the usual QTE's. I'm really loving this series so far. 4½ out of 5

4) Metal Dead. Loved it. The characters have a nice cute chibi-style art style that contrasts nicely with the horrors going on around them, the music is nice (although I would have liked slightly more variation), the writing is fantastic (it's really funny, and not in a forced way), and the story is engaging. There's no voice acting, but the other elements more than make up for it. 4 out of 5

And since no one ever visits The Adventuress forums, I'll ask here. Does anyone have any suggestions for more monster-themed adventure games for me to review?

[Darth Marsden]

Adventure games? Yeesh...

- The 7th Guest and The 11th Hour might count... although they're more puzzle games than adventures.
- Alter Ego, maybe? It's on Steam and looks like a Jekyll/Hyde thing. Be interesting.
- There's an Are You Afraid of the Dark? game that I'd personally love to see you tackle, if you can track it down.
- BEN JORDAN: PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR. There's like 7 games out, and they're all free. If you only look into one game (series), please let it be this one. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.
- The Black Mirror series? There's like three of them now, I think.
- i don't know how 'Halloween'ish' the Blackwell games are, but I'm putting them out there. anyway.
- Yahtzee's Chzo Mythos games (the X Days a X ones) would be good... and free.
- Pretty much any Sherlock Holmes game would fit the bill (and please Coolsome, I'd wager).

...and I could go on, but I think that's enough.

[Secret Fawful]

Ben Jordan is like junk food to me. It's extremely melodramatic, but it has great choices for monsters and haunts, I enjoy it immensely, and it's like the B movies of the adventure game world.

If only Grundislav could figure out friggin perspective in his background art. Definitely give it a look. They're not perfect, but you can tell a lot of work was put into them. The Chzo Mythos are some of the best adventure games ever made.

[Chyron8472]

I'm still playing through God of War 1, and I must say that whomever told me (I think it was Fawful) that it's not that good because Kratos as a character is neither compelling, likeable, nor has any particularly apparent motivation is quite right from what I've seen so far.

I've been playing through it and it just seems to get boring in places, not to mention that the enemies are cheap to attack when they swarm around you. Unfortunately, the God of War Saga which I bought comes in part with unlock codes for 2 downloadable games which I have already used, so I feel that I'm stuck with it. Otherwise I would have been compelled by now to have taken it back and bought Castlevania:Lords of Shadow instead.



EDIT: Also, I must say that these "top selling PS3 games" or "best PS3 games" lists that I'm finding when looking for something to start my ps3 library out with... well, they're rubbish. I'm not British, but I still feel like what I want to say is that they're absolute bollocks.

Seriously. If I go to a "top selling" list, it will list half of the games as brown shooters or sports games. When I looked for "top downloadable games" for PS3, one of the games listed is Pac-Man Championship DX. Well, I've played that game now, and you know what? It's just Pac-Man. It's Pac-Man with tons of ghosts and several time trial modes, but it's still just Pac-Man. I'm not saying I should have expected different, but I don't see why it should make somebody's top 10 list.


I think I'm going to start asking around here what I should get before I get it, because God of War and Little Big Planet are both kinda boring, so I feel like I now need second opinions on what to buy from people who have more sense than whomever is making these lists.

[Darth Marsden]

Little Big Planet livens up when you see the imaginative levels other people come up with. It's a shame they don't allow remakes of other games, but then I suppose we don't want to see constant Mario levels.

I concede that I'm really not a fan of the three plane thing. It feels cheaply used a lot of the time.

[GaryCXJk]

On the question why you should get LBP2, it's not really SMG -> SMG2. The focus on LBP2 lies more on the user created content than ever, and it's most noticeable by the fact that there was once a person who created an RTS in LBP2. It's not just user-created content, it's almost like a game maker.

[DAISHI]

I want to get back to movie reviews.


http://callatimeout.blogspot.com/201...aranormal.html

Don’t Watch This Movie: Paranormal Activity



It’s Halloween. You’re ready to be scared. You grab your girlfriend, go to the movies, and get ready to endure one of the most frightening experiences of your youthful life: Movie ticket prices. Because the gods know you won’t be experiencing any scares during Paranormal Activity 4. Let’s be straight about this from the start, PA4 has about as much originality as the last few SAW films. I mean, there are only so many ways you can beat a horse before its undead corpse rises from the grave in a vengeful fit of retaliation. And bloody hell does this corpse fight back.

For those of you who’ve been paying attention to the lore of the Paranormal Activity series (though let’s be honest, who gives a damn), there’s a coven of witches that endows that go about finding successors and possessing children with spirits. That wasn’t too clear in PA1, it came out a bit more clearly in PA2, and by PA3 we were having full on witch-on-broomstick flights of fancy. We learned the entire family we’d been witnessing was descended from witches who’d chosen the two main sisters of the films, and now that curse has been passed onto the boys.

I don’t want to spoil the film for you if you’re planning to watch it (and why would you when this article is titled DON’T WATCH THIS MOVIE), but some secrets are revealed, and new ones unleashed. Apparently the witches are now part zombie or something, like they thought they needed to merge the series with parts of the Quarantine films, creating some horrific pastiche. It’s like some new meta approach to horror, where the movie itself isn’t scary, but the method of creating it is.

Anyway, the best part of the movie is watching the Xbox Kinect they play with, because at that point PS3 fans started booing in a moment of nerd solidarity. Wii users, which we know don’t really exist, were appropriately silent. PA4 does dabble in some interesting elements, such as using the infrared from the Xbox sensor as a way to pick up on ghost movement, but it’s never really enough to scare. There are some tense moments when you’re wondering if someone’s going to get cut by a knife from the sky like God’s holy vengeance, but you never really feel frightened. The moment that made me jump the most was when someone almost got hit by a Prius, and if that’s the only way the movie’s going to scare me I’ll go load up on alcohol and watch World’s Deadliest Police Chases.

No, for most of the film you’ll be watching asleep in their beds, like a pervert who can justify their bad habit as a form of ‘ghost hunting’. Yeah, nobody wants to know about the spirits you’re seeking, sicko. In fact, the main male figure of the movie comes across like a creepy teen stalker by the way he sees and records every detail of his girlfriends existence due to their cam chats over the computer. So nerds everywhere, rejoice. You too can hope of seeing breasts at some point in your lifetime, as long as you remember to convince her to keep the webcam on so he can hunt ghosts.