Everybody knows that the key to a successful video game is to have 5 to 12 video game company logos come up before the title screen. In fact, I bet if you collocated and extorpolated all the data from IGN.com, you'd see that the higher the number of logos before a game, the higher the review score.

You gotta have the developer, the publisher, the distributor, the interloper, the energy drink tie-in company, some cable network, the graphic blandishers, the hot dog cart guy that comes to the parking lot on Tuesdays, ALL represented with dynamic, animated logos that fade in, play some music, have some gross CG animal wearing pants dance around and then fade out. Oh, and make sure you can't skip through any of these by pressing START or anything. We wouldn't want you to forget all the cooks that were responsible for spoiling this pot.



I've gotten Telltale to agree to 23 logos so far, but they keep trying to talk me down. I may have to just move on and focus my efforts on the unrelated Videlectrix project: LogoQuest - Legend of the Lost Interest-Before-The- Game-Even-Starts!

Strong Bad explodes Homestar Runner's head with his new Protomite Eye Cannons only to discover he's full of Strawberry Quik in Telltale Games' new hack n' slash game for WiiWare.

Strong Bad attracts high class bikini ladies (or maybe Kate Pierson from the B-52's) with his ample hind-bosom in Telltale Games' new dating sim for WiiWare.

Strong Sad attempts to perform open heart surgery on his own dang self in Telltale Games' new whack-a-mole game for WiiWare.

Strong Bad rockets through the cosmos with his Protomite Foot Bootons and launches a heat-seeking 3-Stooges eye-poker missile and is totally not just standing on a stool in his computer room in Telltale Games' new Raise-Your- Own-Pony-and-Sell-it-to-the-Glue-Factory game for WiiWare.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my gorgeous brain around this whole 'digital distribution' thing. I look up SBCG4AP on all these gaming websites and they're like "Box art not available." So I asked some smelly Telltale about it and he was like "Blah blah blah no box. Bling bling bloo digital." I threw my coffee at his face.

So fine, I get it, no box art. It's only the coolest part of having your own videogame. But the real question is, if the game is all nebulous and floating around in the ether, then HOW is it going to have it's own A-B switch? Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about? Well take a look at my good friend MIG-29 Soviet Fighter for the NES.

No, no. Flip that shiny mess over.


That's right. There's a good chance this game might not work at all and they know it. Instead of fixing that problem, they stuck a SWITCH on the back of the cartridge so YOU get to fix it. I felt just like a video game programmer! That's all they do all day, flip switches back and forth from A to B, right? And smell like crabcakes?

Alright listen up, gamertypes! This is the place where I'm gonna be complaining about how these Telltales won't use any of my ideas. Mustard-gun peripheral for the Wii-mote? NIXED! That shaky blue/red, Rad Racer-style 3D that makes your headaches puke up smaller headaches? KAIBOSHED! The "flame cubicle" I wanted to install in the Telltale offices? SBLOUNSKCHED!!

Oh, and don't get me started on all my proposed titles they rejected. They scoffed at the genre-bender "Strong Bad: Sudoku Puzzmaster" and didn't have the guts to name the game "Strong Bad's 9.5 rating in Nintendo Power or ELSE Challenge '08." Hopefully the "mayonnaise cubicle" I installed while the Telltales were at lunch will get them to start properly respecting my style.