The Walking Dead - Walking Dead Season 1
Things I Wish Lee Could Say
Episode 1: A New Day
"Quick, Kenny. Just stand there like a dumbass. I'll see if I can save them both."
"Hey, asshole, it's my name on the door. You people get the hell out of my drug store."
"I saw a couple of batteries, but I couldn't pick them up for some reason."
"Bitch, how the hell do you not know how batteries work?"
"There's a bunch of energy bars lying around if anybody wants some."
"Anybody else think it's weird how skulls are made of styrofoam now?"
Episode 2: Starved for Help
"No good. Even with an ax, these four food items are completely indivisible."
"You trade food for gasoline? That sounds very sustainable."
"I don't know who's firing these arrows at us, but they keep repeating themselves."
"Okay, Jolene. Nobody needs to get hurt. Just quickly tell me what the dairy's dark secret is and I'll just walk away."
"So you came all this way to tell me to leave this place you sent me to check out without checking it out?"
"Mark, your legs! Thank God! I was sure they were going to turn out to be child molesters."
"Wait, you're using precious medical supplies to keep meat fresh? Haven't you people ever heard of canning? Every other farm in the world has been doing it for over a century."
"I let you eat it? For future reference, Larry, ham is a lot wider."
"Now you're a man of action, Kenny?"
"Clementine, do not lick this salt lick."
"Uh, Lilly, is that the gun Danny has been stroking all day?"
"They deserved what they got, Clementine. They had a really stupid plan."
"No, Clem and I are just going to stand here not drawing any conclusions about the childsized hoodie found in a station wagon left running."
Episode 3: The Long Road Ahead
"Zombie with helmet... must... plant... magnet!"
"Okay, Lilly. I'll look into which probably Ben is stealing supplies."
"Everybody needs to calm the hell down! Walkers can smell drama!"
"This pencil was keeping Lilly's hands bound!"
"Well, she got the RV, but at least she didn't get any redemption."
"Is the bottle of water also up in your head, because I took that, too."
"Chuck, there is no way in hell I was gone long enough for you to have introduced yourself to everybody else and handed out candy."
"My plan, if I lost Clementine, was to just let the Walkers have me, fuck everything. But yeah, if you want to go ahead with this boat plan, what the hell? It was your family."
Ben: "It was all my..." Lee: "Fault, yes I know. Shut up."
"So, why are you out here alone, Chuck? Anything to do with Megan's Law? No offense, I've been asking everybody."
"Yeah, 'finish'. The word that popped into my head was 'backwash' for some reason."
"I'm glad Clementine has another unidentifiably ethnic female to talk to."
Lee: "What did we learn?" Clementine: "Not to be afraid?" Lee: "What? No. We learned that Walkers don't make noise until you can see them. You should be scared shitless."
Episode 4: Around Every Corner
"Hmmm. I wonder why I'm going to have to dig up this shallow grave later. I guess I better look around."
"Nothing in this fountain. I'm not even going to look at this unlocked shed."
"The first floor is wellboarded up against Walkers. The second floor, well, be on the lookout for Flyers."
"I'm not desperate enough to eat this dog food. I'll save it for later tonight."
"I don't know, Clem. What could possibly be in this small grave next to an empty dog house?"
"Anybody want to try cleaning Omid's wound with this whiskey I found? Nobody? Thought I'd ask."
"I didn't get a good enough look to tell if it was a man or woman. Kidding, it was obviously a guy in a ragged coat and slacks sporting a greasy child molester haircut."
"Ben, I need you to stay here because you suck. I mean, to look after Clementine."
"Clementine! Did you leave Ben alone with useful people?"
"Molly? Oh, nothing. I've just been calling you Parkour Ninja Bitch in my head, but if you prefer 'Molly'..."
"Everybody get in the school. And try not to say 'zombie'."
"He said the boss required him to videotape all his medical appointments. That's a sustainable plan. Good thing he also recorded all the appointments he was keeping from his boss."
Lee: "Thanks for confiding your sad past, Molly, though I guessed the gist of it from the porcelain vulnerability softly shining through your tearanddust stained gossamer veil of cynicism, and from the careless prominence of the trappings of a lost girlhood in your boyish haircut." Molly: "Are you saying I'm a cliche?" Lee: "Let's get out of here and see if we can't find you a nose ring."
"Everybody, I have an announcement to make. Clementine has vanished, I got bitten, and I just wish one of you motherfuckers would talk some shit to Lee Everett right now. How about you, Moustache? Say one more goddamned word about a boat and see what happens. You, Letter Jacket? How about you two grownups from Sesame Street?"
Episode 5: No Time Left
"Hold on, DJ Father-of-the-Year, what the hell do you mean you lost your son in the woods? You want to flesh that story out before you lecture me about taking care of a kid?"
"You left your car running full of supplies in the middle of the road while you did what? I can't wait to hear the rest of this plan by the master caretaker."
"If you loved your daughter so much, how come you don't have her head in a bowling bag?"
"Your evil plan doesn't make any sense. Is your last name St. John?"
"Maybe I don't know Clem's birthday. But at least I know she hears more than she repeats, understands more than you tell her and makes up her own mind what she's going to do next. If you think you're going to fool her a second goddamed time, you got a lot more to learn than her motherfucking birthday."
[Turns out, I had misremembered the Stranger wearing a sport coat. Text has been edited to reflect this.]